Struggling Behind the Smile

In light of the recent death of actor/comedian Robin Williams, there's been a lot written today about depression and suicide prevention and reaching out, and I think it's all a very important conversation to have openly, especially with those you love.

As someone known for her quick smile, a loud laugh, and a wide circle of good friends, it's often difficult for others to believe that I have also limped through some frighteningly dark seasons. My heart goes out to those who struggle in secret. I am grateful for wise and godly counselors (yes, the professional kind), for long-suffering and compassionate friends, and for the lamp of God's Word. One of the verses that frequently offered me hope during my darkest days comes from Isaiah 50:10. In the Amplified Bible, it says ...

"Who is among you who [reverently] fears the Lord, who obeys the voice of His Servant, yet who walks in darkness and deep trouble and has no shining splendor [in his heart]? Let him rely on, trust in, and be confident in the name of the Lord, and let him lean upon and be supported by his God."

The day I first read this verse, it was like a glimmer of light at the end of a very long, dark tunnel.  For months, I'd felt weighed down by a sadness that would not lift, numb to the joys of life or relationships, unable to focus or concentrate on my work, and despairing about the future.  I had lost any desire or ability to pull myself out of it, and I was starting to believe the rest of life was going to just creep along in the same dull gray haze.

There was (and is!) so much comfort for me in knowing that the Bible acknowledges the fact that one can reverently fear and obey the Lord yet still walk in darkness and deep trouble without joy of heart. And, the only answer is to just believe God right there in the darkness.  I sat alone, on the floor in my bedroom with my Bible open in my lap, tears falling on the page as I read and re-read that hope.  "let him lean upon and be supported by his God."  Leaning was about all I felt like I could manage at that point, so lean I did.  

What did that look like practically?  It looked like getting help from a professional.  It looked like acknowledging to myself and those close to me that I was not okay and I was not going to get to okay without help.  It looked like letting the tears fall and trusting God to catch them rather than bottling them all up and masking everything with a fake "fine."  It looked like giving up all my pretense of bringing anything to the table with God and just falling hard into His arms of grace, allowing myself to believe that my Heavenly Father loved and accepted me wholeheartedly for no other reason than that I was His.  I rested.  My mind, body, and soul rested.  

The healing did not come all at once.  It didn't even come quickly.  It came, as most of life does, day by day. Moment by moment.  Grace by grace. 

I write today because I am saddened but not shocked by the death of Robin Williams.  I write today to say that nobody is beyond the struggle.  Nobody is exempt from life's pain or being pulled under by the sadness.  And, I write today because I found hope in my most desperate hour, and it is a hope that is available to any who would claim it.  Our God is a God of light and grace and healing.  I write today because I am living proof that you can lean fully into Him and you will not fall.  It will not always hurt.  It will not always be dark. Seasons are just seasons.  They always pass.  

Make My Heart Believe

A little over two years ago, I wrote this after receiving word that a man I loved and respected was battling cancer. Today, he won that battle, taking his last breath on this earth and his next in the very presence of Jesus. I am awash today with emotions -- heartbreak for those who love him knowing they will ache for him until they can join him and rejoicing that he is whole and strong and fully Home.  And, while I struggle to find words, and tears roll freely down my face, this song I heard for the first time this weekend is helping me worship, giving words to my praise and my prayers ...
Jesus Is Better
written by Aaron Ivey and Brett Land
(c) 2013 Austin Stone Music (ASCAP).
There is no other so sure and steady, my hope is held in your hand
When castles crumble and breath is fleeting, upon this rock I will stand
Upon this rock I will stand

Glory, glory, we have no other king
But Jesus Lord of all
Raise the anthem, our loudest praises ring
We crown Him Lord of all

Your kindly rule has shattered and broken the curse of sin's tyranny
My life is hidden 'neath Heaven's shadow, Your crimson flood covers me
Your crimson flood covers me

Glory, glory, we have no other king
But Jesus Lord of all
Raise the anthem, our loudest praises ring
We crown Him Lord of all

In all my sorrows, Jesus is better - make my heart believe
In all my victories, Jesus is better - make my heart believe
Than any comfort, Jesus is better - make my heart believe
More than all riches, Jesus is better - make my heart believe
Our souls declaring, Jesus is better - make my heart believe
Our song eternal, Jesus is better - make my heart believe

Glory, glory, we have no other king
But Jesus Lord of all

Glory, glory, we have no other king
But Jesus Lord of all
Raise the anthem, our loudest praises ring
We crown Him Lord of all

Glory, glory, we have no other king
But Jesus Lord of all
Raise the anthem, our loudest praises ring
We crown Him Lord of all

Isaiah 30:18 Amplified

And therefore the Lord [earnestly] waits [expecting, looking, and longing] to be gracious to you; and therefore He lifts Himself up, that He may have mercy on you and show loving-kindness to you. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed (happy, fortunate, to be envied) are all those who [earnestly] wait for Him, who expect and look and long for Him [for His victory, His favor, His love, His peace, His joy, and His matchless, unbroken companionship]!

Isaiah 30:18

The Real Deal

Unbroken - Mike Fechner from Pantego Bible Church on Vimeo.

In my first memory of Mike Fechner, I am a terrified middle school student visiting "youth choir" at this giant church called Prestonwood.  Mike is sitting at the front of the room talking brashly and irreverently about choir tour pranks.  I am definitely steering clear of that guy!

A couple of years later, I'm babysitting three of his kids, including a newborn, and the only instructions are "As long as everyone's still alive when we get home, you get paid." 

And, then, I'm a junior in high school, and I'm in a car full of church kids armed with a trunk full of toilet paper and up to no good.  As we, and the three cars behind us, pile out into the Fechner's front hard to begin draping it in toilet paper, the sprinklers unexpectedly come on (it was 11:00 o'clock at night!), and from somewhere in the bushes, Mike appears with a water hose and douses those not quick enough to get out of the way.

Of course, there were also the Monday nights spent volunteering with Bridge Builders, the ministry Mike and his wife founded to serve one of the poorest areas of Dallas.  There were the pre-mission trip concerts staged in those very "depressed" areas -- where joy abounded.  There was my first mission trip roommate, Velma, Mike's sister in the faith and partner in ministry at Bridge Builders. 

And,  throughout those very impressionable years, there were countless conversations about life and faith and making your life match your talk coming from a man who'd left a lucrative business to pursue God's call on his life into full time ministry in some of America's most downtrodden neighborhoods.

15 years later, I was sitting in my office at Cornerstone Assistance Network, when my boss brought through a tour from another local ministry.  I hear him say "And this is Kristen Horton, our director of volunteers," and I looked up to see three precious faces peering through my door: Velma, Mike, and Laura!  There were the warmest of hugs and the sweetest words of encouragement.  

Mike battled cancer for nearly 5 years, fought hard, and glorified Jesus every step of the way.  There are men and women who are worshiping and will be worshiping Jesus alongside him in heaven because he turned the cancer ward of MD Anderson Medical Center into what he called "Chemo Church" a place where people were prayed with and for, heard the Gospel, and met Jesus afresh.  

He was funny.  And joyful.  He was faith-filled and faithful.  He was honest and consistent.  And he loved with a genuine compassion that is difficult to put into words. 

This morning, as I absorb the news that Mike is no longer alive on this earth, but is worshiping in the very presence of the God he loved and served, as all of these snapshots of memories flood my heart and mind, and one sentence persists: Mike Fechner was the real deal.

I am grateful to have known Mike.  I am thankful that his life and legacy will continue to impact this world for generations to come.

And His mercy is on those who fear Him From generation to generation. Luke 1:50