Okay, so I freely admit that I wrote Sunday night's post in an attempt to convince any of you who might have been worried that I really was "fine." Yes, the four-letter word, liar's kind of "fine." I felt a bit exposed after re-reading the darker post before that and seeing just how much of myself I'd really put out there. I'd always promised myself I'd try not to be uncomfortably transparent on a blog, but I guess I threw that one out the window last week.
But, something happened Sunday night as I was writing that silly post with all the sunshine. I read something this week where a man said, "depression only lets you see what it wants you to see." And, I realized that I'd been living much like that, only seeing the difficult things, never allowing the better things to penetrate my consciousness.
Now, it's Thursday. I've been a genuinely happy and joyful person -- someone most of you would actually recognize as me -- for several days now. This morning, as I talked this shift in my thinking over with the Lord, I thanked Him for it and asked Him to sustain me here. I confessed that no matter how long I might live, my days are short, and it's the genuine desire of my heart that each and every one of them be poured out for His Kingdom's purposes. I told Him how cautiously optimistic I feel about this week and how I'm counting on Him to empower me to continue to walk in the light of His grace. Then, I turned to my Bible reading for today, Isaiah 35.
I know you wouldn't believe it from listening to me the last few months, but I'm seriously not someone who cries often or easily, but when I began to read Isaiah 35, my heart began to beat faster, my breath caught in my throat, and then tears of joy trailed down my face. Oh, our sweet, sweet Savior.
The Ransomed Shall Return
The wilderness and the dry land shall be glad;
the desert shall rejoice and blossom like the crocus;
it shall blossom abundantly
and rejoice with joy and singing.
The glory of Lebanon shall be given to it,
the majesty of Carmel and Sharon.
They shall see the glory of the Lord,
the majesty of our God.
Strengthen the weak hands,
and make firm the feeble knees.
Say to those who have an anxious heart,
"Be strong; fear not!
Behold, your God will come with vengeance,
with the recompense of God.
He will come and save you."
Then the eyes of the blind shall be opened,
and the ears of the deaf unstopped;
then shall the lame man leap like a deer,
and the tongue of the mute sing for joy.
For waters break forth in the wilderness,
and streams in the desert;
the burning sand shall become a pool,
and the thirsty ground springs of water;
in the haunt of jackals, where they lie down,
the grass shall become reeds and rushes.
And a highway shall be there,
and it shall be called the Way of Holiness;
the unclean shall not pass over it.
It shall belong to those who walk on the way;
even if they are fools, they shall not go astray.
No lion shall be there,
nor shall any ravenous beast come up on it;
they shall not be found there,
but the redeemed shall walk there.
And the ransomed of the Lord shall return
and come to Zion with singing;
everlasting joy shall be upon their heads;
they shall obtain gladness and joy,
and sorrow and sighing shall flee away.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Sunday, April 26, 2009
A Pocket Full of Sunshine
So, it's been mentioned that my last post was a bit "dark." I was genuinely surprised to hear that, but when I went back to read it, I could see how the "just kill me now" part might have been a little scary. I mean, you know, I get that. :-)
For the record, my intent was to share the hope that I found in God's revelation of Himself as the one who is able to keep me from stumbling, but I probably got a little too graphic sharing the bad news before I made the turn into the great news. I'm still finding that line between being real/honest about who I am and making you uncomfortable to the point that you miss my point. Never fear, though, I'll keep at it. We have many more awkward moments to look forward to together to be sure! :-D
So, tonight, as I put last week to bed and anticipate the coming week, I am looking for the sunnier side of me, the lighter, brighter, happier daughter of the King (aka: Princess!). Therefore, I will tell you about things that made me smile in the midst of it all this week.
On Monday, the man I probably quote more often than any other, the infamous John Wills, found himself in Fort Worth and made time to visit over lunch. I think I will probably need to do an entire post about John's influence in my life, but suffice it to say that there is something inherently uplifting about being told that the very mention of your name brings a smile to someone's face. I shared with my college students this morning that the best thing John Wills ever taught me was to stop beginning sentences with, "well, I think ..." and instead to be able to say, "Well, the Bible says ..."
On Tuesday, the sister God's given me here in Fort Worth, Suzanne, went into labor with her first child. Waiting in anticipation for that special delivery brought many old friends into my life that evening. I found myself chatting with Dodie, on the phone with Jason and Gera, and texting updates to Jodi all at the same time. It was joyous.
Wednesday morning, I held sweet Ashlen Jenee for the first time and was in awe of God and his miraculous promise all over again. For truly, all the days ordained for her were written in His book before even one of them had come to pass. Amazing!
Wednesday evening, I had coffee with Carrie and was blessed with a special outpouring of God's grace as we talked through scripture together. How my spirit was refreshed in the presence of my "long haul" friend.
Thursday, Brenna, my very first friend when we moved to Plano in the 7th grade, introduced me to her very own pocket full of sunshine, Hailey. What a delight to share a meal with a friend with whom I've known so much history and to see the incredible mom she's become.
Sigh, maybe this excercise is more for me than you. You don't really care what I did all week, but even in the rehearsing of these blessings, my spirit is being lifted in praise to the One who made it all possible. "Trust in the Lord and do good. Dwell in the land and feed on His faithfulness." Psalm 37:3
I mean, I haven't even told you about my trip to the parole office, lunch with Taryn, coffee with Lindsay ... !!!
Am I not constantly preaching that God gives us grace for today, not next week, or even tomorrow? I am! One friend referred to His grace for today as "manna" tonight, and I liked that a lot. Yes, this week was full of a lot of painful things, but at each and every turn, there was enough grace to carry the day and an opportunity to lay down the burden and take up the joy.
This week, I will choose to put on a garment of praise to replace the spirit of despair, and to become a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor! (Isaiah 61:1-3)
For the record, my intent was to share the hope that I found in God's revelation of Himself as the one who is able to keep me from stumbling, but I probably got a little too graphic sharing the bad news before I made the turn into the great news. I'm still finding that line between being real/honest about who I am and making you uncomfortable to the point that you miss my point. Never fear, though, I'll keep at it. We have many more awkward moments to look forward to together to be sure! :-D
So, tonight, as I put last week to bed and anticipate the coming week, I am looking for the sunnier side of me, the lighter, brighter, happier daughter of the King (aka: Princess!). Therefore, I will tell you about things that made me smile in the midst of it all this week.
On Monday, the man I probably quote more often than any other, the infamous John Wills, found himself in Fort Worth and made time to visit over lunch. I think I will probably need to do an entire post about John's influence in my life, but suffice it to say that there is something inherently uplifting about being told that the very mention of your name brings a smile to someone's face. I shared with my college students this morning that the best thing John Wills ever taught me was to stop beginning sentences with, "well, I think ..." and instead to be able to say, "Well, the Bible says ..."
On Tuesday, the sister God's given me here in Fort Worth, Suzanne, went into labor with her first child. Waiting in anticipation for that special delivery brought many old friends into my life that evening. I found myself chatting with Dodie, on the phone with Jason and Gera, and texting updates to Jodi all at the same time. It was joyous.
Wednesday morning, I held sweet Ashlen Jenee for the first time and was in awe of God and his miraculous promise all over again. For truly, all the days ordained for her were written in His book before even one of them had come to pass. Amazing!
Wednesday evening, I had coffee with Carrie and was blessed with a special outpouring of God's grace as we talked through scripture together. How my spirit was refreshed in the presence of my "long haul" friend.
Thursday, Brenna, my very first friend when we moved to Plano in the 7th grade, introduced me to her very own pocket full of sunshine, Hailey. What a delight to share a meal with a friend with whom I've known so much history and to see the incredible mom she's become.
Sigh, maybe this excercise is more for me than you. You don't really care what I did all week, but even in the rehearsing of these blessings, my spirit is being lifted in praise to the One who made it all possible. "Trust in the Lord and do good. Dwell in the land and feed on His faithfulness." Psalm 37:3
I mean, I haven't even told you about my trip to the parole office, lunch with Taryn, coffee with Lindsay ... !!!
Am I not constantly preaching that God gives us grace for today, not next week, or even tomorrow? I am! One friend referred to His grace for today as "manna" tonight, and I liked that a lot. Yes, this week was full of a lot of painful things, but at each and every turn, there was enough grace to carry the day and an opportunity to lay down the burden and take up the joy.
This week, I will choose to put on a garment of praise to replace the spirit of despair, and to become a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor! (Isaiah 61:1-3)
Friday, April 24, 2009
Owned
Have you ever felt completely owned by sin? Just absolutely powerless to defeat its hold on your life? Certain that freedom in Christ is God's plan for every other believer in the world, but a totally unrealistic hope for you?
I'm so sad to tell you I have. More days than not, that's the uphill battle I fight.
More times than I care to acknowledge, I've been tempted to pray, "God, just kill me now. Take me home. I'm no good to you here. I don't want to keep struggling like this. Just kill me now." And, I meant it, too. Wracked with doubt, discouragement, failure, and fear, it truly seemed better to me to just quit because I couldn't conceive of a day beyond the darkness and pain. It's a terrible place.
I shared these terrible thoughts with a friend this week, then sat back and waited for her to make me feel foolish. Instead, she graciously and compassionately looked at me and said, "yeah, I know how you feel." I was rocked. Then she said, "I have no wisdom for you, except Jude 24-25." What?! Jude? Who even knows where that is? I had to practically sing through the entire New Testament song to get there. But, when I did, here is what I found:
"Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling ..."
It was two days before I made it past that phrase. You see, if you've been reading my blog for long at all, you know that I absolutely love to talk about "He who is able to do exceedingly abundantly beyond all that we ask or imagine ..." but I have never even considered that He is able to keep me from stumbling.
That's when some things began to come into focus for me. In my struggle against sin, my prayers most often are uttered out of my own white-knuckled attempts to power my way past temptation in my own strength. I don't mean to do it. It's just that to ask for help rather than forgiveness means acknowledging my own wicked heart and the fact that most of my sinning is pre-meditated, that there is that moment before it happens that I have time to decide what I'm going to do. So, I end up praying, "God, forgive me. God, I'm sorry. God, I'll never do it again. God, just remove all temptation from my life!" (Right!) When, what I should be praying is, "Father, show me the way out of this temptation before it becomes sin that grieves your heart. God, I am clumsy, but you are able to keep me from stumbling. God, I don't know what to do but my eyes are on you."
Just last weekend, I had the privilege of walking our college students through Ephesians 1:7-8, "In Christ, we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of our tresspasses, according to his grace which he lavished on us in all wisdom and insight." You know what my favorite part of that verse is? The last part, "in all wisdom and insight." He chose me, redeemed me, forgave me, knowing full well what a mess I would be. That's incredible to me. It was no accident on His part. And, He's not sitting up in heaven regretting His sovereign choice, kicking Himself for picking me.
To him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy — to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore! Amen.
I'm so sad to tell you I have. More days than not, that's the uphill battle I fight.
More times than I care to acknowledge, I've been tempted to pray, "God, just kill me now. Take me home. I'm no good to you here. I don't want to keep struggling like this. Just kill me now." And, I meant it, too. Wracked with doubt, discouragement, failure, and fear, it truly seemed better to me to just quit because I couldn't conceive of a day beyond the darkness and pain. It's a terrible place.
I shared these terrible thoughts with a friend this week, then sat back and waited for her to make me feel foolish. Instead, she graciously and compassionately looked at me and said, "yeah, I know how you feel." I was rocked. Then she said, "I have no wisdom for you, except Jude 24-25." What?! Jude? Who even knows where that is? I had to practically sing through the entire New Testament song to get there. But, when I did, here is what I found:
"Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling ..."
It was two days before I made it past that phrase. You see, if you've been reading my blog for long at all, you know that I absolutely love to talk about "He who is able to do exceedingly abundantly beyond all that we ask or imagine ..." but I have never even considered that He is able to keep me from stumbling.
That's when some things began to come into focus for me. In my struggle against sin, my prayers most often are uttered out of my own white-knuckled attempts to power my way past temptation in my own strength. I don't mean to do it. It's just that to ask for help rather than forgiveness means acknowledging my own wicked heart and the fact that most of my sinning is pre-meditated, that there is that moment before it happens that I have time to decide what I'm going to do. So, I end up praying, "God, forgive me. God, I'm sorry. God, I'll never do it again. God, just remove all temptation from my life!" (Right!) When, what I should be praying is, "Father, show me the way out of this temptation before it becomes sin that grieves your heart. God, I am clumsy, but you are able to keep me from stumbling. God, I don't know what to do but my eyes are on you."
Just last weekend, I had the privilege of walking our college students through Ephesians 1:7-8, "In Christ, we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of our tresspasses, according to his grace which he lavished on us in all wisdom and insight." You know what my favorite part of that verse is? The last part, "in all wisdom and insight." He chose me, redeemed me, forgave me, knowing full well what a mess I would be. That's incredible to me. It was no accident on His part. And, He's not sitting up in heaven regretting His sovereign choice, kicking Himself for picking me.
To him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy — to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore! Amen.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Glory
My friend Jeremy is very sick. He's at NIH this week recovering from a major surgery. I believe that his story is being written in such a way as to give God glory for many years to come, but this week, the waiting for news, the wondering, the hurting for him, his wife, his children, and extended family, it's not always easy.
I'm headed to WMU of Texas annual meeting later this week. I've come to love the WMU and to have a profound respect and fond affection for the women I get to be with through that organization. But, the troubles, the pains, and griefs, and trials of WMU of Texas have been very public over the last year. While I am looking forward to this weekend with them, I am also heavy-hearted, praying fervently that the Lord would intervene on our behalf as we gather together, that somehow, He would take the broken pieces and make something beautiful.
Those are just two of the reasons "Glory" by Selah and Nichole Nordeman has been my repeat song of the day,
One day eyes that are blind will see you clearly
And one day all who deny will finally believe
One day hearts made of stone will break in pieces
And one day chains once unbroken will fall down at your feet
So we wait for that one day come quickly
We want to see your Glory
Every knee falls down before thee
Every tongue offers you praise
With every hand raised
Singing Glory
To you and unto you only
We'll sing Glory to Your name
One day voices that lie will all be silent
One day all that's divided will be whole again
One day death will retreat and wave it's white flag
One day love will defeat the strongest enemy
So we wait for that one day come quickly
We know not the day or the hour
Or the moments in between
But we know the end of the story
When we'll see
I'm headed to WMU of Texas annual meeting later this week. I've come to love the WMU and to have a profound respect and fond affection for the women I get to be with through that organization. But, the troubles, the pains, and griefs, and trials of WMU of Texas have been very public over the last year. While I am looking forward to this weekend with them, I am also heavy-hearted, praying fervently that the Lord would intervene on our behalf as we gather together, that somehow, He would take the broken pieces and make something beautiful.
Those are just two of the reasons "Glory" by Selah and Nichole Nordeman has been my repeat song of the day,
One day eyes that are blind will see you clearly
And one day all who deny will finally believe
One day hearts made of stone will break in pieces
And one day chains once unbroken will fall down at your feet
So we wait for that one day come quickly
We want to see your Glory
Every knee falls down before thee
Every tongue offers you praise
With every hand raised
Singing Glory
To you and unto you only
We'll sing Glory to Your name
One day voices that lie will all be silent
One day all that's divided will be whole again
One day death will retreat and wave it's white flag
One day love will defeat the strongest enemy
So we wait for that one day come quickly
We know not the day or the hour
Or the moments in between
But we know the end of the story
When we'll see
Friday, April 03, 2009
Spiritual Dehydration
I was lazy with my morning routine this week. I slept as long as I possibly could, raced to make myself presentable, then rushed to my first appointment each day. I skipped any "unessential" steps, including my morning devotional time with the Lord.
Yesterday, I was watching a Discovery Channel special about some guys on a hiking trip in the Grand Canyon that ran out of water. As the program narrator began describing the effects of dehydration on the physical body, I began thinking about spiritual dehydration, the effects of extended periods of time without spiritual nourishment, Living Water.
Early on, the effects of dehydration may or may not be noticeable. The first one is thrist. Your body notices it's gone without water and is in need. When I skip my morning time with the Lord, there's often something inside my spirit about mid-day that seems to whisper, "a few quiet moments with Jesus sure would be nice right about now." Another early effect of dehydration is fatigue and/or weakness. It's subtle at first. Spiritually, when I've gone without Living Water, instead of praying I find myself thinking things like, "I probably should pray about that ..." but often lacking the mental fortitude to actually do the work of praying.
As time passes without water, the effects of physical dehydration become more pronounced, just like the effects of spiritual dehydration. Not to be too graphic, but one of the symptoms of increasing dehydration is "reduced outputs." I believe that can easily be translated into the spiritual analogy as well. Without daily time spent meditating on Scripture and hearing from the Lord, the well from which I give and serve those around me soon runs dry and my life bears very little fruit.
In the final stages of physical dehydration, one experiences dim vision and confusion. Sad to say, this is what caught my attention as I was watching the program on the Discovery Channel yesterday. I was aware that I hadn't spent my regular time with the Lord in a number of days, but I had not yet connected the fact that I was having difficulty seeing and thinking clearly about things to the fact that I had not sought out His perspective. The further I get away from sitting at the Master's feet, the less I think on the things that are True and see clearly from an eternal mindset. My vision is dim and my thoughts are confused.
I once heard it said that if you skip your time with the Lord one day, He'll notice. If you skip it two days, you'll notice. Skip it three days, and everyone will notice!
What was even more amazing to me was listening to the survivors talk about finally getting to water and describing the sensation of literally having their bodies rehydrate, soaking in that precious, life-giving liquid. This morning, as I sat in my quiet place with God's Word in my hand and began studying what He had for me, what I'd been missing all week long, it truly was like taking a long, satisfying gulp of water to my soul. My thoughts began to move quickly through the possibilities of His plans for me. My spirit was lifted so that I was singing as I went about my day. And, I had something to say, something I wanted to share with others around me.
Yesterday, I was watching a Discovery Channel special about some guys on a hiking trip in the Grand Canyon that ran out of water. As the program narrator began describing the effects of dehydration on the physical body, I began thinking about spiritual dehydration, the effects of extended periods of time without spiritual nourishment, Living Water.
Early on, the effects of dehydration may or may not be noticeable. The first one is thrist. Your body notices it's gone without water and is in need. When I skip my morning time with the Lord, there's often something inside my spirit about mid-day that seems to whisper, "a few quiet moments with Jesus sure would be nice right about now." Another early effect of dehydration is fatigue and/or weakness. It's subtle at first. Spiritually, when I've gone without Living Water, instead of praying I find myself thinking things like, "I probably should pray about that ..." but often lacking the mental fortitude to actually do the work of praying.
As time passes without water, the effects of physical dehydration become more pronounced, just like the effects of spiritual dehydration. Not to be too graphic, but one of the symptoms of increasing dehydration is "reduced outputs." I believe that can easily be translated into the spiritual analogy as well. Without daily time spent meditating on Scripture and hearing from the Lord, the well from which I give and serve those around me soon runs dry and my life bears very little fruit.
In the final stages of physical dehydration, one experiences dim vision and confusion. Sad to say, this is what caught my attention as I was watching the program on the Discovery Channel yesterday. I was aware that I hadn't spent my regular time with the Lord in a number of days, but I had not yet connected the fact that I was having difficulty seeing and thinking clearly about things to the fact that I had not sought out His perspective. The further I get away from sitting at the Master's feet, the less I think on the things that are True and see clearly from an eternal mindset. My vision is dim and my thoughts are confused.
I once heard it said that if you skip your time with the Lord one day, He'll notice. If you skip it two days, you'll notice. Skip it three days, and everyone will notice!
What was even more amazing to me was listening to the survivors talk about finally getting to water and describing the sensation of literally having their bodies rehydrate, soaking in that precious, life-giving liquid. This morning, as I sat in my quiet place with God's Word in my hand and began studying what He had for me, what I'd been missing all week long, it truly was like taking a long, satisfying gulp of water to my soul. My thoughts began to move quickly through the possibilities of His plans for me. My spirit was lifted so that I was singing as I went about my day. And, I had something to say, something I wanted to share with others around me.
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