A Christmas Blog

I came home to Plano to spend Christmas with my parents (and my maternal grandmother). It's been a pleasant couple of days thus far. This afternoon, we attended a crowded but beautiful Candlelight Christmas Eve service during which we were poignantly reminded that Jesus truly is the reason we celebrate at all. Afterwards, we came home for a traditional family Christmas Eve meal of tamales and queso followed by a trip through our favorite neighborhoods to look at Christmas lights. It was a pleasant evening, and we were all feeling rather warm and fuzzy inside as we pulled back up to the house. That last just just until we noticed a man standing beside my car (parked on the curb in front of my parents' house) shining a flashlight on my license plate. I'm not really sure how the conversation went between him and Daddy while Mom, Mimi, and I huddled near the front door waiting to be let into the warm house, but i know it ended with me backing my car up along the curb about three feet just to be sure it wasn't across the property line in front of his house. I'm not gonna lie, I was annoyed. I did not wish him a "Merry Christmas" as he stood there watching to be sure I moved it far enough. I did not even smile at him. (If you know me, you know this actually took some effort.) I refrained from stomping back into the house. I was annoyed. But, when I got inside, Daddy sat on the couch to find a Christmas movie. Mimi and Mama got in the kitchen to whip up desserts, and we animatedly talked about plans for tomorrow, Christmas Day. That's when it struck me. Mr. Scrooge next door has nothing better to do tonight than stand outside his house with a flashlight and pick fights with his neighbors. I think I'll take him some cookies. ;-)

Love Me for Me

The last two weeks have been hard. I came to the realization a while back that I've basically been spiritually and emotionally numb for months now. I wasn't sad or angry, but I wasn't happy or joyful either. I just was. I moved through my days one at a time, rarely feeling anything. It's a terrible thing not to care, to have nothing in your life you feel strongly enough about to even get mad over. It's a horrible way to live. But, when you've done it for a while, you don't even realize you're doing it anymore. You just are. You don't live, you exist.
It's a difficult thing to admit, too. How do you tell people that you just don't care? "I know I should love you. I know I should feel something about you, the things you're going through, the place you're in, but I don't. I just can't." It's not really something your friends want to hear. It's really not something they can understand. And, why say anything about something you're not totally sure you can change or "fix." My friends are fixers. Do you have those? I'm a fixer, and I attract fixers, too. We're a bunch of fixers. So, when something's wrong, we do our best to fix one another. Usually, this just creates a bigger mess, but it hasn't stopped us yet.
Anyway, I think I hid my numbness pretty well. I'm a relatively outgoing person, and can pretend to be easily amused by many things. It doesn't take much to play the game. Act silly, make people laugh, have just enough of an answer to make them think you care about the conversation, then slip back onto the sidelines of life as it's passing you by. Scary how it happens.
Like, I said, I was making it along like this pretty well until very recently. Then along came "share time." I have a love/hate relationship with share time. I love to know what's really going on in the lives of my incredible friends, but I hate getting honest about my own messes. Love/Hate. The girl right before me really shared. I mean, there were tears and everything, and I felt so inadequate to follow that. I thought about making something up, something that sounded good, sincere, but nothing they'd want to pray about or worry about the next day. But, for some reason that night I couldn't do it again. I needed them to know. So, I just said it. "I'm numb. I don't feel much of anything. And, worst of all, I've been this way the better part of the last year, I think." Then came the praying. The hands clasping mine, the hands layed tenderly on my knee or around my shoulder, the hands telling me I wasn't alone, telling me whether they understood or not, they weren't going to leave me to go it alone. Those girls always say, "When we pray on Wednesdays, stuff happens on Thursdays." Well, they prayed.
It started simply at first, I think. A long day at work, a frustrating e-mail, a reminder that someone cared, and suddenly, unexpectedly, there were tears. It was comical really. Driving home on a rainy Thursday afternoon, the new mascara I'd been experimenting with burning the fire out of my eyes, making it difficult to see. Then, the phone rang. Ginger. She had a funny story. I laughed. (And I cried.) "What's going on?" she asks innocently. "I don't know!" I gulp miserably. "We prayed," she smiles into the phone.
I still can't explain it, but the feeling didn't stop that afternoon or when the tears subsided. The feelings (a whole broad range of them) have continued to come. Little ones, big ones, funny ones, sad ones, happy ones, teary ones, nostalgic ones, angry ones. Feelings for me, feelings for others. I'm honestly not sure I could say it's easier. Numb is very simple. But, feeling adds color. And, of course, complications. It's tempting every day to retreat back to numb. My carefully contructed emotional security system feels threatened, even compromised. But, maybe all really is just as it should be.
Here's the hardest part. Letting people love me. I mean, really letting them love me. Trusting that they can and do love me for me. Numb means not caring what they do. Numb means not really being able to feel loved or hated, so it doesn't make much difference. Feeling means being aware. Caring. Wanting more. Feeling is costly. It costs me, and it makes me more expensive for others sometimes. It's nerve-wracking wondering who's gonna be willing to pay the price on the tougher days. Feeling takes me back into the battle field. Feelings aren't bad, but they can't always be trusted, so they have to be weighed, measured, and applied carefully to the arguments in my head.
Most of you won't be directly impacted by this new flood of feeling, but for those of you who are, please be patient with me. Please remind me how blessed I am to have you in my life. Please try hard to just love me because Jesus does and he asked you to, not because you need or want something from me.

I Heard This Today ...

You Tell On Yourself.

You tell on yourself by the friends you seek
By the manner in which you speak
By the way you employ your leisure time
By the way you make use of your dollar and dime.

You tell what you are by the clothes you wear
By the spirit in which your burdens you bear
By the kinds of things at which you laugh
By the records you play on your phonograph.

You show what you are by the way you walk
By the subjects of which you like to talk
By the manner in which you bear defeat
By the foods you choose and the way you eat
By the books you select from the library shelf.

In these ways and others you tell on yourself
So there is not a bit of common sense
In trying to keep up a false pretense.






Marie Losavio

Celebrating Papa

During the weekend of January 19-20, my grandfather, Rev. Gene Horton (aka: Papa) and the Rio Hondo Baptist Church will be celebrating his 40th anniversary as pastor there. Our entire family will be together along with many friends from around the country, gathering to celebrate all that God has done in him and through him over the last 40 years. I have been sharing with a few friends recently what a huge milestone this is and how eager I am to be a part of this time with my grandfather. There is no way that we will ever be able to count this side of eternity the impact that his faithfulness in ministry at the Rio Hondo Baptist Church has had around the world.
Papa is the most faithful prayer warrior that I know, and I believe the secret to God's blessing over the longevity of his ministry and the secret to the well-being of our family has been the hours he spends calling our names out before the Lord. It's an incredible thing to know with all my heart that there has not been a single day of my life that Papa has not prayed for me, specifically, by name, with specific petitions. I am utterly convinced that much of who I am today and the ministry that God has allowed me to have is due in huge part to those prayers on my behalf.
So, I've been thinking a lot about how in the world I am going to do my part to express to Papa how thankful I am for his life and ministry and demonstrate (at least in part) the impact it's had on me. That's where you come in. Because so much of who I am comes from his influence in my life, if you've been touched or impacted in anyway by me, you're also part of his legacy.
What I want to do for Papa is collect from you any stories, quotes, thoughts about scripture or Christian living, etc., that you've have heard from me. I'd love it if you can think of things I've told you specifically about him over the time we've been friends, but even if it's just something memorable you've learned from me, it probably originated with him in some way, shape, or form.
I know the celebration is still a couple of months off, but I'd love to start assembling this special project very soon. So, please, take a minute or two even now to stop and send me your thoughts about this.
40 years ago, Papa was a 33 year old man, married with 3 kids. He had seen the Rio Grande Valley devastated by hurricane Beulah and felt compelled to move there and minister to the people there. I don't think he had any clue what God would do over the next 40 years, that his children and their spouses and their children and now, even his great-grandchildren would call Rio Hondo home. I don't think we'll ever know how many people have heard and responded to his simple presentations of the gospel week in and week out, from his pulpit and through his weekly television broadcasts. How I pray that we'd be so faithful.

Thanksgiving

If you've been reading my blog for long, you know that Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. I thoroughly enjoy the opportunity to stop and really give thought to the ways God has been insanely good to me in the last year and throughout my life. So, without further explanation, here are my ABC's of Thanksgiving for 2007:

A: Appendage Friends
B: Breaking Free
C: CCWJC, Crazy or Jesus moments, and my Chauffer (Erin)
D: D'Ann (especially unscheduled Monday visits)
E: Eleven Fingered Charlie
F: Freedom Writers
G: Godly parents
H: Holly Lake, Hannah
I: Isaiah 43
J: Jonah 2:8
K: Kindness that leads me to repentance
L: LittleHead (BigHead and LoveHead, too)
M: Mimi
N: Nephew (and Niece) Cousins, Nu Thangs
O: Online Florists
P: Podcasts
Q: Quiet Time Chair
R: Roses on my birthday
S: Super Group, Sibling Friends, Speaker of the Truth
T: Tuesday's at JJ's, Taryn's influence
U: Umbrellas of Grace
V: Volunteers!, Veronica, and Valerie!
W: Wonder Women (and Wonder Dave)
X: eXamples of Courage
Y: [YOOJ] and Yupp's
Z: Zephaniah 3:17

I Like My Eggs Scrambled

In the movie "The Runaway Bride" Richard Gere's character confronts Julia Roberts' on the issue of how she orders her eggs. He points out that each of her previous fiance's told him that she liked her eggs just like he did because she never bothered to have her own opinion, just ordered whatever the person she was with at the time preferred. I remember being facinated as I watched that scene and the one later in the movie where she goes into a diner, orders several different plates of eggs, tries them all the triumphantly proclaims exactly how she prefers her eggs. You see, I've always been more than a little bit of a geek, and particularly in my teen and younger adult years, I did my best to hide that by going along with what others deemed "cool" rather than just owning up to my own preferences. As I've matured, it's still difficult to be honest about the fact that I hate loud music, prefer to be in bed by 10:00 p.m., and genuinely enjoy breakfast meetings - oh, and country music!, but I haven't come across anyone yet who rejected me or my friendship over any of my goofy preferences. I had a conversation about this with a dear friend the other night, and I've been thinking about it ever since. Ginger wrote a blog last week about the things she loves but can't necessarily explain. Maybe it's something like that. And, maybe we posts lists like these in a place like this because we want to be known for who we really are. If you say you love me, I want you to love my inner geek as well. ;-) She's the one that likes to read way more than she likes to watch movies or television. She's the one that listens to sports talk radio and live broadcasts of games during football season. The one who checks the weather forecast and plans accordingly. The one who looks everything up on google maps and has more addresses, zip codes, and phone numbers memorized than she'd ever admit. She likes reading the newspaper and researches most of her purchases online. She enjoys any opportunity to take notes and try out new office supplies. She gets a kick out of scripture memory contests, and prefers just about any group activity to watching movies with a room full of people. She hates roller coasters, but rides them for the bonding experience. She kinda hates girls nights, except about three times a year and only when it includes doing something out of the ordinary. She likes singing, a lot, especially pop songs and old hymns. :-\

My friend John

I was reminded today of an old friend that helped me fall in love with British Literature as a college student and of a poem that should be read more often.

A VALEDICTION FORBIDDING MOURNING.
by John Donne


AS virtuous men pass mildly away,
And whisper to their souls to go,
Whilst some of their sad friends do say,
"Now his breath goes," and some say, "No."

So let us melt, and make no noise,
No tear-floods, nor sigh-tempests move ;
'Twere profanation of our joys
To tell the laity our love.

Moving of th' earth brings harms and fears ;
Men reckon what it did, and meant ;
But trepidation of the spheres,
Though greater far, is innocent.

Dull sublunary lovers' love
—Whose soul is sense—cannot admit
Of absence, 'cause it doth remove
The thing which elemented it.

But we by a love so much refined,
That ourselves know not what it is,
Inter-assurèd of the mind,
Care less, eyes, lips and hands to miss.

Our two souls therefore, which are one,
Though I must go, endure not yet
A breach, but an expansion,
Like gold to aery thinness beat.

If they be two, they are two so
As stiff twin compasses are two ;
Thy soul, the fix'd foot, makes no show
To move, but doth, if th' other do.

And though it in the centre sit,
Yet, when the other far doth roam,
It leans, and hearkens after it,
And grows erect, as that comes home.

Such wilt thou be to me, who must,
Like th' other foot, obliquely run ;
Thy firmness makes my circle just,
And makes me end where I begun.





--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Source:
Donne, John. Poems of John Donne. vol I.
E. K. Chambers, ed.
London, Lawrence & Bullen, 1896. 51-52.

Old Lyrics, New Blessing

"Thy Word have I hidden in my heart that I might not sin against thee." There are all kinds of things hidden in my heart, thankfully God's word is there, too. It's living and active, full of power, able to teach, admonish, rebuke and encourage. (Yes, I know I mixed at least two verses in that sentence.) Psalm 40 says, "I waited patiently for the Lord. He heard my cry and lifted me out of the miry clay. He put my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth that many may see and fear and put their trust in the Lord." This morning, I woke up very slowly, not entirely sure I wanted to get out of bed at all. The enemy was well ahead of me. It was as though he stood waiting beside my bed with a steaming mug full of guilt and shame, reminding me of all my failures. I didn't acknowledge him directly. It never does me much good. I did look to the Lord, though, full of questions. Why and How? Why in the world do you put up with me, Lord? How in the world do you continue letting me live, much less use me? That's when the song started. It was such an old song, sung by someone I'd written off, judged unworthy to sing such things, a "moral failure." But the song wouldn't be silenced. It was coming out of a hiding place, long forgotten in a dusty part of my memory. It was a soft humming at first, subtle. Then the lyrics came with it, and their import nearly took my breath away as I put my feet on the floor and began my morning routine. Stubborn love. It's your stubborn love that never lets go of me. Pefect love, embracing the worst in me.
It's true! It's so true. God's love has absolutely nothing to do with anything good in me. Nothing to do with anything I might have done to earn it. The bad in me far outweighs the good. The funny thing about His love, though, is that it is completely stubborn. Here's how the song goes ...

I'm caught again, your faithless friend
do you ever tire of hearing
What a fool I've been
guess I should pray what can I say
Oh, it hurts to know the hundred times I've caused you pain
Forgive me sounds so empty
when I never change
Yet you stay and say you love me still forgiving me time and time again

Chorus:
It's your stubborn love
that never lets go of me
I don't understand how you can stay
Perfect love, embracing the worst in me
How I long for your stubborn love

Funny me, just couldn't see, even long before I knew you, you were loving me
Sometimes I cry, you must cry too,
when you see the broken promises
I made to you, I keep saying that I'll tryst you, though I seldom do,
yet you stay and say you love me
still knowing someday I'll be like you

(Chorus)

It's your stubborn love that never lets go of me
I don't understand how you stay
Perfect love, embracing the worst in me
and you'll never let me go
I believe I finally know,
I can't live without, your stubborn love.

Wonders of Walmart

I journaled this morning about my fear that I'd lost my sense of wonder at the world. After reading a particular devotional thought, I realized that I don't spend much time at all contemplating things that are too wonderful for me to comprehend. If I can't get my mind around something, I'm generally pretty content to just let it be and recognize that God is so much bigger than my small mind. However, an afternoon trip to the ghetto WalMart today seems to have reawakened my sense of wonder.
Well, actually, I think it started this morning when I watched a very long funeral procession go by and noticed that instead of the usual parking lights turned on to mark them as mourners, they were all driving with their flashers!
Anyway, back to WallyWorld. First, there was the strange little woman in the parking lot that faked me out. She was putting a cart in the cart-keeper, and I mistakenly assumed she would finish her task in a timely manner, get in her car, and drive away. So, I paused and waited to take her space. (Ghetto Walmart is crowded even in the middle of a Tuesday afternoon!) However, when she'd put the cart away, she walked across the parking aisle to another cart, rounded it up, and put it away, too. By this point, I'd figured out that it was pointless to wait on her, but I was fascinated to see her heading for another as I turned down the next row. This was NOT a Walmart employee mind you.
As I parked my car, and checked my purse to make sure I had my list and my phone with me, I saw another "wondrous" site, a full grown man in a pickup truck pulled into the spot next to me. He looked normal enough, dressed in a gray t-shirt (the softest kind!) and khaki shorts, but I noticed something odd as he headed off across the parking lot (we were parked a significant distance from the entry). He wasn't wearing any shoes! None, at all! He'd driven his truck to Walmart, gotten out, and danced (it was black asphault on a 95 degree day afterall!) toward the entrance. I'm assuming they let him inside in his barefoot state because I didn't pass him coming back out as I headed for the door. How does one decide that it's appropriate to just go walking through Walmart (much less the parking lot!) without shoes on?!
I don't think I have time to recount for you the "wonder"ful sites I encountered in the Walmart aisles, but suffice it to say, I am duly convinced that there are very few things one cannot buy at Walmart, except for the rock shaped hide-a-key for which I was hunting, of course!
My excursion was only complete when I had made my purchases and stepped toward the exit only to be greeted by a sweet little man in a blue vest who interrupted his lively conversation with a man who was obviously an Elvis impersonator without his jumpsuit long enough to wish me "G'day!"
G'day indeed! :-)

Sin, Confession, and Mercy

So, on the way home from Holly Ranch the other day, we were talking about our experiences during the Prayer Lab on Saturday morning and I was telling the girls in Ashleigh's car about how as I sat at the confession table and began making a list of my recent transgressions, God just sort of pushed all that to the side, pointed right at the deepest sin issue in my heart and told me He wanted to deal with that first. Bluch! It was not fun, but having that uncovered before Him and out in the open between us has given me so much hope as I seek to continue growing with the Lord in this season of my life. That's when our resident "Speaker of Truth" - Emily - asked me an excellent question that has stayed with me ever since. "So, Kristen, how are you going to let God deal with that sin issue? What's going to be different? How's that gonna look?" Ugh! I nearly choked trying to come up with an answer. I finally admitted I wasn't entirely sure except that I knew I had to stay tender before the Lord because it's primarily been an issue of hard-heartedness and refusal to honestly seek Him. The question has stayed with me, and today, I keep thinking back to the following passage from Micah 7 that I heard John Piper preach on earlier this year. Here's what it says ...

7 But as for me, I watch in hope for the LORD,
I wait for God my Savior;
my God will hear me.
8 Do not gloat over me, my enemy!
Though I have fallen, I will rise.
Though I sit in darkness,
the LORD will be my light.
9 Because I have sinned against him,
I will bear the LORD's wrath,
until he pleads my case
and establishes my right.
He will bring me out into the light;
I will see his righteousness.

As Emily herself often reminds us, Satan is such a loser! He'd love for me to make my sin and my confession and my struggle to stay clean before the Lord to be about failure and about somehow letting him have victory over me, but it cannot be. When I sin, I sin against the Lord, the same God who has paid the ultimate price for me to be in right relationship with Him. What an incredible truth! I cast myself at His mercy today!

Jesus Loves Me

Some people would try to tell you that I'm a complicated woman, but I'm really not. It's truly the simplest things that bring me the greatest joys. A while back I wrote a post about the things for which I want to be remembered. During a Sunday morning service, the pastor had asked us to come up with what we wanted written on our tombstones, an activity designed to help us begin living with the end in mind. That was an easy one for me. Some time ago, more as a joke with my family than anything, I wrote down "funeral instructions" in a purple journal that included how I wanted to be remembered. When I am gone, I would like you to say, "Oh how she loved Jesus ... and oh how she loved me!"
This weekend, I spent about 24 hours on a retreat with the women who have been closest to me over the last year. On Saturday morning, we took time to write letters to each other in the journals we were given for the weekend. I read through the letters quickly on Saturday afternoon, but last night, when I got in bed, I took time to read them more slowly and really enjoy what my sisters had to say to me. It was so encouraging to find out that the things I've been striving to communicate in everything I say and do has been heard and felt in their lives. So many of them commented that they knew without a doubt that I love Jesus and several of them also commented about the fact that they felt very loved by me. And, in my heart, I thought "Victory!"
Saturday evening, in the course of testing a new database for work, a friend making up a bogus contact used the sentence "Kristen love Jesus" to test the field space. It was a simple, silly thing he probably didn't give much thought to at all, but it struck me that of all the things he could have typed in that space "Kristen loves Jesus" is what came to mind. And, I was thankful.
Today, another friend was making a joke about what each of us should have written on our bathroom mirror to encourage us each morning based on our personalities or funny things our friends belive to be true about us. His suggestion was that my mirror would read, "Somebody in heaven loves me."
That's when it really hit me. Yes, it's important that you know that I love Jesus and that I love you, but the greater truth is not that I love Jesus, but that Jesus loves me. This, I cannot do without.

Update

So, I know it's way past time to write, but I don't know where to start. God is doing a new thing, I'm just not exactly sure what that new thing is just yet. :-) It's been an insanely busy week this week at CCWJC, but I admit I'm learning lots every hour, and I'm thankful. Hopefully, sometime soon, I'll get around to putting some real thoughts down in writing and share them with you.

You Know He's Doin' It ...

Isaiah 43

18 Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
19 See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland.

Sacrifice

While teaching last weekend, I was reminded of a definition I think we'd all do well to commit to heart.

Sacrifice - giving up something that I love for something that I love even more

Have you ever thought you were making a sacrifice to the Lord only to find out that giving up what you loved for Him, who you loved more, turned out to be more blessing and reward than you could have anticipated?

Let the Redeemed of the Lord Say So

If you're planning to attend Awakening in a couple of weeks, don't read this -- it'll spoil the fun! Or, read it, then skip my conference and learn from someone else on that day! ;-)
The title and theme of the conference I'll be leading comes from Psalm 107, where verse 2 commands, "Let the redeemed of the Lord say so!" I've heard that phrase in church life for as long as I can remember, but I don't know that I really ever gave it much thought until the idea for this conference began brewing a few months ago. What does it mean to be redeemed? And how does one say so? These are some of the questions we'll be dealing with at Awakening. Today, I just want to share with you a couple of the lists I've gleaned from this passage so far. See, the general idea of the conference is that if God has redeemed you, then you have a responsibility (a joy and a delight) to declare that to others who need to hear that message of hope and victory through Him. So, I began searching the passage for two things: From what kinds of things has God redeemed His people? And, what has He done for them?

Just check this list out, all of these are found in Psalm 107. See how many of these you can identify with. God's people are redeemed from:

enemies
wandering
hunger
thirst
trouble
darkness
shadow of death
being downhearted
fallenness
distress
chains, gates, bars of iron
sin
affliction
destruction
depths
melting souls
reeling, staggering
their wits' end
storm-tossed seas
having been diminished and brought low
oppression
sorrow
poverty

It gets better! Check out what God's done for His people:

redeems
gathers
delivers
leads
satisfies
fills
saves
brings out of darkness
breaks chains, gates, and bars
sends His Word
heals
commands seas
brings out of distress
calms storms
guides to safety
takes power over rivers, wilderness, springs, dry ground, barrenness, famine, fields, plants, and vineyards
establishes dwelling places
yields a fruitful harvest
blesses
multiplies
sets the poor on high and increases their family
shuts up iniquity

Anybody wanna shout "Glory!"??? Friends, if God's been gracious to you, thank Him, tell others about it, proclaim His goodness. Who are we to keep silent about all His wonders?

July 13, 1985

Happy Birthday to you!
Only one will not do,
Born again means salvation!
How many have you?

This was the song we sang in Sunday School whenever someone made a profession of faith in Jesus Christ when I was a little girl. It reminded us that birthdays were important, but celebrating being born again in Jesus was even more important.

Today marks the 22nd anniversary of my new birth in Jesus. I've been thinking a lot about that day of salvation and the grace of life in Christ this week. Wanna hear the story? You're not a captive audience, so I'll tell it. Read along if you like.

We'd been having revival services at the church that week where we talked a lot about the return of Christ. My babysitter and her family had been talking about something they'd seen on the freaky Jesus channel where some image of the Lord had appeared on the back wall of a church during a healing service and everyone was convinced His return was imminent. The most upsetting song in the world to me at that time was "Soon and Very Soon." You know how it goes ...

Soon and very soon
We are going to see the King!
Soon and very soon
We are going to see the King!
Soon and very soon
We are going to see the King!
Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
We're going to see the King!

I can remember standing in church, listening to that song, looking around the room for any signs of Christ splitting the roof and taking everyone with Him, knowing that I'd never invited Him into my heart and was not prepared for eternity. I remember being on my bicycle the next day in our cul-de-sac looking at the blue sky and checking the clouds for any resemblence to that picture of Jesus in my Sunday School classroom in case He was planning His return for that day.

That night as my daddy tucked me into bed, he walked to the door of my room and flipped off the switch. I can't honestly tell you what I said, but I remember I began to cry, I asked him not to turn off the light, and I told him Jesus was coming back and I was not ready. He called my mom into the room and together, they sat by my bed, talked to me about recognizing my need for a Savior and prayed with me as I invited Jesus to come into my heart, to be my Savior and my Lord.

July 13, 1985.

Gettin the Glory

My great grandmother was fond of reminding me that it never mattered who got the credit for something as long as God gets the glory. It was one of my earliest lessons in living all of life as unto the Lord.
This past week, my friend Jeremy and his family have been on quite the roller coaster as he battled a life-threatening bacterial infection. To read their story, go here. Jeremy's on his way home from the hospital now. He's been cleared by most of his doctors, and just a week after being admitted with a 108 degree temperature, he is going home to continue his recovery in familiar surroundings. The fact that he is going home at all is testimony of God's power over all things.
I've been thinking about and praying for Jeremy and Jodi a lot lately. Watching their lives lived out in this trial, wondering how such a young family can endure so many difficulties, - did I mention their house flooded a couple of months ago and is in the process of being refloored and repainted? - and thinking about how God works in and through it all, what purpose He has for them in these things.
Someone told me once that jewlers place diamonds against black cloths in order to display their brilliance most radiantly. In Jeremy and Jodi's life, these trials have been a black cloth, but the brilliant radiance of Jesus Christ at work in them and through them has shone all the more brightly against this backdrop. Not just their family, friends, and church, or even my family, friends, and church, but also doctors and nurses and specialists, and medical personnel around the country are hearing the story of this man and the things he's survived, and whenever the story is told, Jeremy and Jodi offer one explantion. God is BIG. He's so BIG. He is being made famous through their insistance that He get the credit AND the glory.
John chapter 9 tells the story of a man who was blind from birth, and the religious rulers of the day ask Jesus if the man's blindness was caused by his sin or the sin of his parents. In verse 3 Jesus answers and says, "Neither this man nor his parents sinned, but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life." What a beautiful display Jeremy and Jodi are of the glory of God at work.

Please Pray For My Friend

I was exhausted when I went to bed last night, so you can imagine my surprise and frustration when I woke up an hour before my alarm this morning. I lay there a minute before realizing that something deep inside was calling me to pray. I began running through the people on my prayer list, but never could identify what was so urgent. I got out of bed and began my daily routine, and for some reason, I picked up my cell phone and looked to see if I had new messages. Sure enough, there was a text message from Jodi sent sometime after midnight last night saying simply, "Just realized you don't know. Jeremy's in ICU. Call tomorrow." Yeah, that'll get your heartrate going.

I quickly finished getting ready, then jumped in the car and called Jodi.

I asked Jodi how we should pray and these are the things she told me.
Pray for Jodi to rest. She knows that she's going to need plenty of energy to care for Jeremy over the next few days/weeks, but sleeping in a hospital is very difficult. Her phone rings almost incessantly.
Pray for Jeremy's doctors to have wisdom, to get to the source of the problem and correct it quickly.
Pray for Jeremy's healing.

She also offered these praises.
Praise the Lord for the friends who have surrounded Jeremy and Jodi both, arriving at the hospital at almost the same time they did, caring for Emma, and looking after Jodi, too.
Praise the Lord for a small hospital with a very attentive staff who located an infectious disease specialist familiar with Jeremy's particular disease.
Praise the Lord that even though Jeremy's temperature spiked to 108 at one point, neurological exams report no brain damage.
Praise the Lord that even before they knew this trial was coming, God was working things out for them in ways they couldn't anticipate.

Many of you who read this blog will know how important these friends are to me. Others of you might not have been introduced to them, but hang with me a while, and you will be, it's inevitable.

Thanks for praying. For updates, visit www.meadowridgechurch.org and click on the link called Updates on Jeremy.
Kristen

My Spastic Adventures

Anyone reading this who knows me won't really be surprised, just amused by yet another shining example of the genius I am. The rest of you who think you know me but are really just finding out, get ready. I'm brilliant, I tell ya.
Our water bill was due last Friday. On Thursday evening, seeing that I was out late and had not put a check in the envelope alongside my other roommates, Christy left me a gentle reminder note asking me to do just that, so that she could walk it into the Water Department the next morning. Friday morning, I had a later than usual appointment before going into the office, and awoke well after Christy had left for work. Oops.
I quickly wrote my portion of the bill, put it in the envelope and scooped it up to take to work with me, hoping to catch Christy on our lunch breaks and get the bill paid. No such luck. She was stuck in court all day but assured me it could be paid on Monday morning without penalty. I felt bad, but there wasn't much I could do about it. Nothing else was said about the matter until Sunday night.
Again, I was out late, and she text messaged me on her way to bed. "Please set the water bill on the kitchen table, so I can take it in tomorrow." Doh! The water bill was laying on my desk, in my office, downtown, where I wasn't going to be until after 10:00 Monday morning. I don't know how Christy was feeling at this point, but I was completely annoyed by me. She tells me that she'll meet me between dockets on Monday and take the bill. Deal.
I get to the office on Monday morning only to realize that the bill was laying on the backseat of my car all weekend. For some reason, I carry it upstairs into the office with me. Christy calls and asks me to meet her at the courthouse at 11:30. I jump up and make it down the stairs before realizing the bill is still laying on my desk. Fortunately, I wasn't already in my car or at the courthouse.
11:28, I pull up in front of the courthouse. Finally, something I'd done right in this whole fiasco! 11:32, still no sign of Christy. I call. I say, "Hey, where are you?" She can't even hide the amusement in her voice at this point. She says, "I'm in front of the courthouse, where are you?" I say, bewildered, then with realization dawning on me, "I'm in front of the courthouse ... (long pause) ... but not the one where you work." She's not even trying to hide her laughter now. Fortunately, the two courthouses are just blocks from each other, and I was able to pass the bill off, finally! She just reached into the car, took the bill, and informed me, "Your new name is Spaz!"
When I'm on a roll, there's no stopping me!

Walking In the Truth

This has been one of those times in my life when knowing the truth and walking in the truth are not synonymous. I know that I'm to worry about nothing and pray about everything (Philippians 4:6-7), so why does it seem so much easier to worry about it? As though I could fix it anyway! I know that I'm to bear with others, to forgive as Christ forgave me, to clothe myself with compassion, kindness, humility, and patience (Colossians 3:12-17), so why do I keep ending up at odds with another of God's chosen beloved? As if I'm always so loveable! I know that God is able to do exceedingly, abundantly beyond all that I ask or imagine (Ephesians 3:20-21), so why am I so surprised when things work out way better than I planned or expected? As if He needed my help! I know that God will supply all my needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:19), so why do I keep going to him over and over again with a laundry list of things I think I need as though He might forget or be hardpressed to provide? I know that my struggle is not against flesh and blood but against the rulers, powers, and principalities of this dark world (Ephesians 6:10-19), so why do I keep treating others and enemies? I know that through God we will do valiantly, it is He who will trample our enemies (Psalm 108:13, Exodus 14:14), I need only be still, so why do I spend so much effort and energy trying to fight for myself? As if I'd actually accomplish anything!

I've been thinking about that guy in James that looks in the mirror, sees what's wrong, then walks away without making corrections and wondering just how often I do the same thing. What good is it to know the truth if I don't live in it, let it change my life? I'm such a work in progress, so thankful that God is patient as he continues to shape me.

D. Glo

Last fall, Dodie Davis Glover and I celebrated our "10 Year Friendship Anniversary" without much pomp or circumstance. We laughed and joked about throwing a party and inviting all of our mutual friends, those who've been most directly blessed by our fabulousness. ;-) But, of course, life happens and the time slips by, and now, we're more than six months down the road from that opportunity -- guess we'll have to wait for the 20 year celebration!
However, this blog isn't about me and Dodidra. It's just about Dodidra. When I was a senior in high school, preparing to leave home and head out to Abilene to attend Hardin-Simmons University, I prayed about a lot of things. One of those prayers was for a roommate, someone I would be friends with, someone who would love Jesus and help me continue to grow in my faith by getting involved in a local church. You know that verse about God being able to do more than we could ask or imagine? Dodidra is example number one in my life of how true that verse is. I could go on and on about all of the ways she (and our friendship) have exceeded any expectation I could have ever dreamed up in those early prayers. She wasn't just my freshman roommate. She was my next door neighbor sophmore year, my office mate at PDBC our junior and senior years, my housemate the summer before our senior year, and my roommate again for a year during seminary before she married Jacob. She's been a friend, someone I have laughed with until we cried. She's been a prayer partner, a woman who encourages me with the Word of God when all other words have failed. She's been a champion, sticking up for me when others sought to tear me down. She's been a sister of my heart.
Yesterday, I held her new born daughter. I sat in a chair with that bundle of sweetness and looked across at my precious friend resting from her labor, and there were no words. I thought back to the night we met as seniors in high school, to the letters we exchanged, to the day her mom almost made us go to HPU because our housing assignment had been confused, to crazy pledging memories, to silly college crushes and a few broken hearts, to the day we accidently wore matching outfits to chapel, to dances and dressups, roadtrips, and Christmas parties, Bible studies, prayer meetings, even funerals, losses, and of course, a wedding. Dodie is not perfect, I know that, and I'd never want to put that pressure on her. But, from someone who's observed her life up close for a long time now, trust me. She is a living example of how God honors obedience, and it is a joy to celebrate with her.

Praying for Healing

I have a friend who has been in chronic pain for a very long time. She's seen doctors, specialists even, and attempted a variety of treatments. Currently, she is at a crossroads. The specialist believes it is time to begin a new round of treatments that will cost thousands of dollars and may still lead to surgery. Earlier this week she called me. She said that after talking it over with her husband, she had decided to speak with her pastor and request that a team of elders in her church gather to pray with her and for her, for her healing, and she'd asked them to invite me because she knew I believed in healing, too.
I told her I would be there. And, then, I began to tremble.
Did I believe in healing? Of course, I believed in healing? What did it mean to believe in healing? What it immediately boiled down to was that I did believe God could heal, especially those who had the faith to ask believing, but I wasn't sure that I believed He would -- or that I had the faith to ask with confidence. Wow, that was so hard to admit.
Honestly, I kept picturing myself gathered in a room full of faith giants and prayer warriors in a scene out of the exorcist, only they had to stop the procedings and ask me to leave the room because one of them discerned my lack of faith which was hindering the healing. When I confessed this fear to my friend, she said, "Kristen! This is not a seance, for Pete's sake!" Even I had to laugh at myself that time.
In preparing for this adventure in prayer, I did two things. 1) I prayed. I asked God to remove my doubts and help my unbelief. 2) I read. I love me some www.biblegateway.com, and I wasted no time doing a couple of word searches on healing in scripture. I read many passages about God's healing, but the one that I kept coming back to was in James.
James 5:13-16 says, "Is any one of you in trouble? He should pray. Is anyone happy? Let him sing songs of praise. Is any one of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven. Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective."
Was my friend in trouble? Yes. She should pray. Was she happy? Sometimes, and when she was she loved to sing songs of praise, but more often than not recently, the chronic pain she experienced hindered the happiness of other areas of life. Was she sick? Definitely. She should call the elders of her chruch to pray over her and anoint her with oil in the name of the Lord. So, she did. It was just that simple. Not magical or mystical, simple obedience that prompted this plan. I could handle that, couldn't I?
The gathering took place much like any other prayer meeting. We met, we heard about the need, we read the scripture -- wouldn't you know the pastor turned to James 5! And, we began to pray. Nobody prayed anything wacky or weird. Nobody hooped, hollared, or called out in a language I couldn't understand. They referenced familiar passages of scripture and prayed accordingly. They repeated the words of beloved praise hymns. They confessed confidence in God's sovereign goodness, his unchanging, unfailing character. They prayed for wholeness -- not just in her physical body, but in her spirit, in her mind, in her heart. They prayed that Jesus be glorified. We prayed. Although I began as a curious observer, it was not long before I recognized like-minded believers and entered into their fellowship before the throne of God Himself, and He was so kind and gracious to welcome us there, to offer us a sense of His presence among us, to direct and guide our prayers in line with His Word.
Many things about that evening cannot be described appropriately. Some times the presence of the Lord is too sweet to capture with words, and I would not want to take away from it by failing to do it justice. But, one lesson from the experience stands out clearly in my mind. As we began our time of prayer, the pastor said this. "Father, we don't know what you'll choose to do, and we leave all things up to your sovereign will. We don't know if you'll heal our sister in the way that we're asking you to, but we do know that we have not if we ask not, so we're asking." How many times do I wish for God to move in a certain way, but fail to ask Him for it? How much more might we see Him move if we faithfully gathered as His children and agreed together in His name for the desires He's placed on our hearts?

All Aboard

I've known for at least a week now that I needed to blog, maybe longer. I don't know why it's so hard to get started sometimes. The picture I carry of how things work in my head looks like an old train yard. There are multiple tracks and my ability to focus or speak intelligibly often has a lot to do with how many trains are moving at any given time. It's tough to pick one and ride with it when it comes to blogging. However, there is one train that's been blowing its horn louder than the others this week, so I figured we'd hope on that one today and see where it takes us.
I'm going to steal the title for this train from an article released by Relevant Magazine today called "Party Theology." It's been over a year ago that the idea for a ministry called "Overflow" first became a recurring theme in my life. I'd attended a concert with a friend who's coworker was playing in the band on a backyard patio at a bar near downtown Fort Worth. The bar scene was completely foreign to me, and I felt as though I stuck out like a sore thumb, and I fully expected to be pointed at and made to feel stupid for venturing so far out of my comfort zone. But, that's not at all what happened. I was completely facinated. In the hour we stood there, I had one woman strike up a conversation with me about the bracelet I was wearing, another offer to show me what was on her camera that was making her table laugh so loudly, and still another scoot her chair over so that we'd have more room to stand. On top of all that, I happend to be watching my friend's coworker when he spotted us in the crowd. The way his face lit up left little doubt in my mind that our presence that day was of great value and encouragement to him.
A few months later, I met with others from our singles ministry and we began working on "Overflow," an intentional plan to spend time in bars and other places we might have opportunity to encounter lost people. I freely admit, I was extremely excited, nervous, and naive. We calendared about three different "Overflow" activities, and while it definitely generated some interesting discussion in our group, the original idea never really took off.
A couple of weekends ago, I had several opportunities to hang out with my friends in a variety of places around town, including one of the karoke bars we'd originally marked as a target for "Overflow." As I sat with my Bible and journal that Monday morning, reading from the gospel of Luke, and presenting my prayers before the Lord, something strange occurred to me. I felt no guilt. I felt no conviction. What I did feel was a continued desire for the presence and voice of the Lord in my life. My time with Him was sweet, and His grace in my life clear. How could that be? :-\ I mean, it's not like I had been on a church retreat or anything.
As I continued to ponder these things, I was reminded of something that had happened the night before at the karoke place. Toward the end of the evening, one of the bar regulars was at the mic. (I know he was a regular because he was there the last time I was there for Overflow.) He had a drink in one hand and a cigarette in the other, and he glanced back at our table and declared, "these people know how to have a good time." We cheered and laughed, and my mind raced. What would he say if he knew who we were? Knew that we were Christians from a church just down the street? That our one common bond around the table was our love for Jesus Christ? Would he not be interested in our God? Would that not at least peak his curiousity? As the next song played, I continued thinking about the possibilities. I hadn't gone there to be intentional, wasn't planning to "witness" to anyone, but when I was there, celebrating with my friends, Jesus was there with us. I confess, I was more than a little surprised to find Him there, but so excited to recognize Him.
Today, I read Luke 15, the parables of the lost things found. And, I read about how Jesus went to the home of tax collectors and sinners and was numbered among them because he came to heal the sick, to rescue the lost, to save the sinner. I have pretty much spent my whole life avoiding places like that, country bars (that's a double whammy with dancing and drinking!), karoke bars, anything that might appear evil. And, all the while, people were lost and dying and going to hell while I refused to get close to them because I might be confused as one of them. Oh, how I must continually repent of that attitude.
I am not saying that all church members should run out and find a favorite local bar. I'm not saying that you should abandon any conviction the Holy Spirit may have put on your heart about alcohol or dancing or any combination of the two. I am saying that our salvation is by grace through faith, not by any works of our own. It is not earned by the things that we don't do anymore than it is earned by the things we do. The only thing good in me is Jesus, and if Jesus sat among thieves and tax collectors, who am I to shun them?
Going back to the term "party theology" which refers to the idea of partying with sinners, it's increasingly odd to me that we make evangelism a task or activity. For those of you who have ever been in love, did you ever have to schedule time in your calendar to tell your friends about your beloved? Of course you didn't! It was the most natural thing in the world to talk effusively about him or her. Evangelism, witnessing, sharing about Jesus is the most natural overflow of a life completely abandoned to Him. If you're finding it difficult to talk to others about Him, if nothing in you feels driven to seek opportunities to tell someone who hasn't yet heard the story of what He's been up to in your life, maybe you're not yet fully convinced for yourself that He is truly your very great reward. Can I encourage you to ask Him to show you how to find utter satisfaction in all that He is and to give you a story to share with anyone who will listen? I promise, it's a prayer He'll delight to answer. ;-)

Maybe today?

This morning, my Bible reading was from Matthew 23 and 24. There are several things about the "signs of the times" that interested me in Matthew 24, but I've just chosen the following passage as an example. I find it interesting that we all claim to believe that the return of Christ is near, that these are "last days" and that time on this earth is short, but I rarely, if ever, feel like I'm living that way. I feel like I'm shouting, "Hey, the robber's coming!" but I haven't even locked my own house down, so why would anyone take me seriously.

Matthew 24:37 As it was in the days of Noah, so it will be at the coming of the Son of Man. 38 For in the days before the flood, people were eating and drinking, marrying and giving in marriage, up to the day Noah entered the ark; 39 and they knew nothing about what would happen until the flood came and took them all away. That is how it will be at the coming of the Son of Man. 40 Two men will be in the field; one will be taken and the other left. 41 Two women will be grinding with a hand mill; one will be taken and the other left.
42 "Therefore keep watch, because you do not know on what day your Lord will come. 43 But understand this: If the owner of the house had known at what time of night the thief was coming, he would have kept watch and would not have let his house be broken into. 44 So you also must be ready, because the Son of Man will come at an hour when you do not expect him."

I guess my discussion question for today is this: How do our daily lives reflect our convictions that hell is real, time on earth is brief, and people I see every day are in danger of spending eternity separated from Christ?

Facing The Giants

So, I finally got around to watching the movie half my family is raving about, Facing the Giants. I expected it to be fully of cheesy acting and a predictable story line. And, it was. BUT, none of that stopped me from being completely moved to tears as the plot climaxed. You see, this movie isn't about a coach or a football team. It's about God, the invisible actor in the drama of all our lives, and the reason I think this movie works is that God plays Himself. The story is way too unbelieveable unless magnificent, sovereign God is the story writer, unless He truly is over and above all things, and the lessons of our lives: the football games, parental confrontations, opportunities for moral failure, longings to have children, and anything else that crosses our paths in a didactic manner are ultimately about our relationship with Him, His glory manifest in our lives. Then, and only then, is this one of the best films I've given my time to in a very long time.
My favorite scene takes place between Coach Taylor and the man who comes by the school each week to pray for the students by walking the halls and running his hand over their lockers, Mr. Bridges. Mr. Bridges tells Coach Taylor the story of two farmers who are both praying for rain. Even though both have prayed for rain, only one farmer goes out and prepares his land to receive the rain.
A couple of weeks ago, my attention was focused on I John 5:14-15 which says, "And this is the confidence we have in approaching God, that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us, whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests which we have asked of Him." So, as I look at my prayer list, at the things I most long to see the Lord accomplish in my life as well as in the lives of my loved ones, I ask myself, "If I know this is request is according to God's will, then how am I 'preparing for rain?'" How am I waiting, not just in anticipation, but with expectation?

A Few Things I Learned Last Night

2 Peter 1:3-5

3 His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. 4 Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.
5 For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge ...

~> Faith is the foundation of godly character.
~> Until, I believe that God is who He says He is, and that He can and will do what He says He will do, I will never consistently choose goodnesss (moral excellence).
~> Faith is living in such a way that God is the greatest reality in my life. His voice is louder than any other contradicting temptation. When there is a choice to be made, I choose Him, His way, believing that He sees what is done in secret and rewards what nobody else even knows.

Tribute

So, I’m headed to a funeral in a couple of hours for a man who touched more lives than I think we could accurately count. Tom is one of the first people I remember meeting at PBC when we first started visiting there my 7th grade year. He had gray hair pulled back in a long ponytail, bright blue eyes that always seemed to twinkle with a secret, and a very mischievous laugh. He played the guitar and sang Rock ‘n Roll songs with Jesus lyrics. I thought he was crazy. Then, I met his wife, Brenda. She is sweet and kind, not easily flustered, and very wise. Their son and I were in the same class from 7th grade through 12th. Brenda discipled me when I was in the 8th grade, Tom taught a Bible study in their home and when their daughter, got to junior high, I discipled her. Our lives were inextricably intertwined for a time, and the memories are buried deep inside of me.

I didn’t see them much after high school. I left most of PBC behind me when I moved to Abilene, or, at least I tried to. However, anytime there was a bridal shower or a baby shower to be hosted, you could guarantee Tom and Brenda would be at the center of it, continuing to celebrate life with the hundreds of kids that had come through their home over the years. I laughed a few years ago when I found out that the guys from my parents young marrieds’ class were attending a guys’ Bible study at their house. I don’t think Tom could have stopped investing in young lives if his life had depended on it.

But, there’s more to the story. Tom used to drive me nuts. He was rowdy and unpredictable. He said whatever was on his mind and seemed to take pleasure in embarrassing me by calling me out to pray or quote scripture in front of large audiences. If he heard I’d been on a date, those twinkling eyes would dance with glee as I sat in his livingroom, and, without regard to who was present, he’d ask for all the juicy details. Tom seemed to always be in trouble at church, too. He was forever ruffling feathers over some issue or another, being asked to step away from this ministry or that until things died down. People, including myself at times, weren't always ready for Tom's insistence on calling things like he saw them.

Monday morning, my best friend since junior high, Lauren, called at 7:30 a.m. Even though I was awake and studying my Bible at the time, I still consider that an ungodly hour, and I know she agrees, so I could only assume she had something important to tell me. Her voice sounded really confused as she told me what she’d just heard. Tom was dead. He died at home on Sunday afternoon, very unexpectedly. 52 years old. Dead. Bryan had called Kelly who called Amber who called Lauren. It was a long chain, but a tight one, and a reliable one. Still, it was too unbelievable. I called another friend with a close Prestonwood tie. She answered the phone with the words, “Yes, Kristen, it’s true. Tom's gone.” Evidently, he was working in the backyard and suffered a massive heart attack. The medical examiner who performed the autopsy says he shouldn’t have lived as long as he did based on the damage to his arteries.

It feels so surreal. Even today. But, the last few days of this week, I’ve had a good opportunity to reflect on his life. I expected to remember all of the things that drove me nuts. But, I didn’t. I could only remember the good things. You see, Tom Bailey is a part of my testimony. Three things stand out to me specifically when I recall his impact on my own life.

1) Tom never let a Bible study go by that he didn’t tell us repeatedly, “God always honors obedience.” And, I swear, everytime I’m tempted to take an easy way out, to willfully disobey, I hear Tom saying that over and over again. God always honors obedience. I hear myself saying it to others when I’m teaching or counseling. And, you know what I’ve discovered? God always honors obedience.

2) When I was 17, I began to seriously doubt my salvation. I was six years old when I committed my life to the Lord. How in the world could I have known what I was doing? I was a mess. I sat with Tom and Brenda at their kitchen table, distraught, confessing my worst fears. Tom just smiled at me and sent me home with instructions to pray, to ask the Lord to reveal to me if I was truly His. That night, I’ll never forget. The memories were so clear. I could see the afternoon before I was saved. I could remember how lost I felt, how convinced I was that Jesus was returning soon and I was not prepared to go with him. I could remember the night that my dad was tucking me into bed, and I cried out to him not to turn the lights out because I needed to know Jesus. Tom didn’t try to convince me of my salvation, he pointed me back to Jesus.

3) Finally, Tom was the man with the puzzles in my previous blog.

I still can’t believe I’m going to Tom’s funeral today. It seems so wrong. But, more than I’m sad that he’s gone, I’m so glad that he lived. I seriously doubt whether Tom or Brenda would remember any of those encounters, but they were life changing for me. God’s economy is so different from ours, isn’t it?

Lessons from a Puzzle

Did I ever tell you the story about the puzzle? I was in high school. My friend Becchi and I were visiting with a couple who had been very influential in our youth ministry at church. We were sitting at the kitchen table talking, when he pulled out a couple of puzzles. He placed one in front of each of us and told us we had three minutes to finish the puzzle, and we could ask him anything we wanted. The timer started, we both huddled over our respective puzzles, trying so hard to figure it out. The three minutes passed quickly, and I don't think either of us came close to solving the puzzle. We looked up in frustration and sighed. He looked at us with a smirk, and that ever present twinkle in his eye as though he always knew a secret. "Why didn't you ask me how to work it?" "I made the puzzle. I told you that you could ask me anything. Why didn't you ask me how to work it?" It was a powerful lesson in prayer. I hadn't thought about that day in many years before coming to my current job. I was sitting before the Lord one afternoon, completely frustrated and overwhelmed by the task before me. I cried out to him, whining really, "Lord, it's like a giant puzzle, and I don't know how the pieces fit!" In a flash, I was taken back to that day, sitting at that kitchen table, learning that God made the puzzle of life and that we are not just welcome, but invited, to ask Him for the solution.

Lessons In Faith

I've told you before that one day I will write a book called "These Prayers I've Prayed." It will be an account of the suprising and mysterious and infinitely faithful ways that God has answered prayer in my life.
Last night, the women who come to my home each week for Bible study decided to take a night off from our regular study in favor of spending time recounting God's faithfulness. We went through our group journal together to look at the prayer requests He's heard and answered during our 8 months together. We took turns sharing the verses He's been encouraging or challenging us with in our personal times with Him. And, we prayed with one another and for one another. It was refreshment like jumping into a swimming pool after mowing the yard in July!
There is an issue in my life that I've been praying through for a couple of weeks now. God's given me an incredible sense of peace about it, but rather than grab onto that peace and glide atop the stormy sea with my hand in His, I've chosen to doubt and be tossed about like a wave on the shore (James 1). Right before the girls arrived last night, I was fretfully telling a friend on the phone that I just didn't know what to do with myself anymore. I couldn't seem to pray in one direction on the issue, and I was somehow fearful of the peace God had provided, unwilling to believe it could really be that simple.
Enter share time.
Ginger says, Hebrews 11:6, "Without faith, it is impossible to please God, but he who comes to Him must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him diligently."
Didn't I just teach on the shield of faith at that retreat a couple of weeks ago? What was it that I told those women? Oh yeah, faith is the only maneuverable portion of our godly armor. Our confident belief that God is who He says He is and can do what He says He can do is our defense against the enemy's flaming arrows. Whew! Wish someone had told me that! Oh wait ...
Erin shares. Romans 4:20-21 says this about Abraham, "Yet, he did not waver in unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God was able to do all that He had promised." Two years ago, right before things went completely dark in life for a season, a friend from one of my classes at seminary called me at home one night to share those verses with me. She said she was reading them and felt the strongest urge to share them with me, that God wanted me to hear them. I took them to heart and made Abraham's testimony the goal of my own life, especially when the lights went out. I didn't always do a great job, but a little more removed from that season, and I can see that God did indeed remain faithful even when I was faithless, and He has blessed every time I've chosen to believe Him and believe in His goodness over and above any evidence to the contrary. :-)
As I listened to more sharing, James 1:2-6 kept coming back to mind. "Consider it pure joys, my brothers, when you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance and perseverance must finish its work so that you will be mature and complete, not lacking in anything. But, if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God who gives generously to all without finding fault. But he who asks must believe and not doubt for he who doubts is like a wave on the shore, tossed to and fro by the wind." Woah. For years, I've practiced asking God for wisdom, but I've ignored the consequences of asking without believing. Storm tossed. That's a picturesque word, an accurate description of my state of mind when I let myself lose sight of God's constant faithfulness, that everything He does is for my good.
In closing, there are three more verses that I just have to share.
Luke 1:45 says, "Blessed is she who has believed what the Lord has promised will be accomplished in her."
Romans 8:32 says, "He who did not spare His own Son, but graciously gave Him up for us all -- will He not also, along with Him, graciously give us all things?"
I John 5:14-15 says, "This is the confidence we have in approaching God. We know that whatever we ask according to His will, He hears us. And, if we know that He hears us, whatever we ask, we know that we have whatever we have asked of Him according to His will."
So, what's the point? Just this. Pray boldly, with utter confidence that a loving God is listening, and desires to graciously give to you all the good things stored in His heart for those who are His own.

Answering the Question: Did God Create Sin

Answering the Question: Did God Create Sin?

Nothing like receiving an email from an honest inquirer wanting to know how to answer the question “Did God create sin?” first thing in the morning. I’ll tell you what I think first, based on my initial reaction and what I’ve had time to read up on this morning, and I’ll close by sharing what I found to be a helpful anecdote.

I’ve never been very good at articulating philosophical arguments, and therefore, strongly disliked the semester I spent in Philosophy of Religion class and frequently avoid philosophical discussions. However, I recognize that running from a discussion is not always the most God honoring response. When I first read the question this morning, I immediately thought, “Well, no, of course He didn’t create sin!” but, how am I going to prove it? Sin is very much a fact of this life. And, over and over again I’ve given God the credit for creating all things, sustaining all things, being sovereign over all things. So, did He in fact, create and sustain sin? No, He did not. God didn’t create sin. God created man. God created man in His image, but He gave man choices. God did not create sin, but He did allow for disobedience. God set up a standard of holiness by giving man the Law, but He did not create the transgression of that Law or the disobedience that brought it about.

It is extremely important to remember that all that God created in the Garden of Eden was good. Even Satan was created as Lucifer, an angel of light in heaven.

Here’s how another put it …

A college professor with a reputation for being tough on Christians often berated Christians for their belief in God mocking any statements of faith.
At the beginning of one semester, he asked if there were any professed Christians present. The first young man to raise his hand in response to his challenge was asked by the professor, "Did God make everything?"
"Yes he did, sir," the young man replied.
The professor responded, "If God made everything, then God made evil, and if we can only create from within ourselves, then God is evil."
The student didn't have a response and the professor was happy to have once again proved the Christian faith to be a myth. Another student raised his hand and asked the Professor , "May I ask a question sir?"
"Yes you may," nodded the professor. The young man stood up and asked, "Sir, is there such thing as cold?"
"Of course there is, what kind of a question is that? Haven't you ever been cold?"
The young man replied, "Actually, sir, cold does not exist. What we consider to be cold, is really only the absence of heat. Absolute zero is when there is absolutely no heat, but cold does not really exist. We have only created that term to describe how we feel when heat is not there."
The young man continued, "Sir, is there such thing as dark?" Once again, the professor responded "Of course there is."
Once again, the student replied "Actually, sir, darkness does not exist. Darkness is really only the absence of light. Darkness is only a term man developed to describe what happens when there is no light present."
Finally, the young man asked, "Sir, is there such thing as evil?" The professor responded, "Of course. We have rapes, and murders and violence everywhere in the world, those things are evil."
The student replied, "Actually, sir, evil does not exist. Evil is simply the absence of God. Evil is a term man developed to describe the absence of God. God did not create evil. It isn't like truth, or love, which exist as virtues like heat and light. Evil is simply the state where God is not present, like cold without heat or darkness without light."

When Praises Overflow

This week is shaping up to be one of the busier weeks of my life. I began it yesterday with much fear and trepidation. However, yesterday afternoon, when a friend asked how I was coping so far, I stopped to take stock and give an honest answer. That's when I first noticed it. There was a strange feeling welling up inside of me that I did not recognize because it was the last thing I expected this week. It took me a minute to label it, but sure it enough, there it was. Hope. In the midst of all that was swiring around me, I had this unwaivering confidence that this week would provide innumerable opportunities for my loving heavenly Father to show me His uncompromising faithfulness. I don't know how or when He'll show up in the midst of my chaos but I am utterly certain He'll be there with a calming peace that passes all understanding.
This afternoon, I am listening to a mix of my favorite worship songs, including one with a line that never seems to be far from my lips. "I am empty, but you are holy. Come and fill this place with who you are ..."

Dinner With Uncle Butch

Uncle Butch is the family member I wish you knew. Right after my Great Grandmother's 97 year old sister, Aunt Bea, he is by far the most interesting, entertaining member of my family. As we say around here, "He's got a heart big as Texas," ... and a mouth to match! Butch's visits are never dull, and tonight was no exception. He called last night, told us he'd made reservations at a local five star steak house, said he'd be here by five and to look pretty. We had about an hour to sit and visit with him before time to go to the restaurant, and, of course, the entire dining experience. Some of the things he said, I shouldn't repeat, especially in print, but I have decided to share a few of my new favorite quotes from Uncle Butch. First of all, he has a new found love for sarcastic t-shirts, and has purchased several recently. (He's very proud of his 10 for $100 bargain!) His personal favorites include sayings such as, "My anger management classes piss me off," and "I'll try to act nicer if you'll try to act smarter." He's also got one that reads, "I see dumb people." When discussing various subjects over dinner, if a subject came up he was unfamiliar with, he'd smile across the table and say, "I don't know much about it, but I've got an opinion on it." When discussing his current work situation and his relationships with coworkers, he claims to have to the men around him repeatedly, "don't mistake this smile for weakness." When the discussion turned to politics, he set his utensils down and declared, "I don't vote anymore ... it only encourages them." As we stood outside my grandmother's apartment to send him off, he demonstrated his personal diesel tank in the back of his truck with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth the entire time. Uncle Butch is known to be quite the health nut, so when asked about his cigarette, he declared, "these are all natural. I smoke them to fight cancer." What are you gonna do with him but sigh. My favorite line of the night came up numerous times, whether discussing policits, gun control, holidays, or the "coming revolution." Butch would look over at me and say, "Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they ain't coming for you." oh! I did have one other favorite moment of the evening. Uncle Butch was telling us a story about some difficult tenants he had in one of his rental properties and how they'd had a disagreement that escalated until they called the police on him. My mom looked at her big brother and said, "Butch, just how many times have you had the cops called on you?" He grinned sweetly at her with a knowing look and said, "a few." Not to be out done, my dad got a good line in tonight, too. When Uncle Butch excused himself from the table toward the end of our meal after a lively discussion about politics, Daddy looked at the rest of us and said, "He ought to be on talk radio. He's radio gold!" As we left the restaurant, the young man who had been one of our servers wished us a Happy Easter, at which point Butch stated, "Don't worry with going to church tomorrow, son, He rose this afternoon," reflecting his opinion about the historical interpretation of scripture. I didn't care to learn more about Uncle Butch's view, but I did my best to catch the eye of the bewildered young man and smile and return his wishes for a Happy Easter. Oh Butch!

Maybe You Need This Today ... I Did

I see a mountain, You see a miracle
I see a wasteland, You see a garden
I see dry bones, You see an army
I see the impossible, You see everything

I see a seed, You see a harvest
I see the water, You see the wine
I see the broken, You see Your body
I see my enemy, You see Your footstool

You are, I am
But I've been so blind, all this time
My God, touch me
I want to see the way that You see

I see my sins, You see Your blood
I see a baby, You see my Saviour
I see my failures, You see redemption
I see a beggar, You see a son

I see a problem, You see a provision
I see a circus, You see an opportunity
I see the image, You see the heart
I see opposition, You see someone to love

I see the weary, You see the warriors
I see the restless, You see their peace
I see the doubting, You see their faith
I see the weak, You see their strength

I see my Father, You see Your daughter
I see my Shepherd, You see Your Lamb
I see my Saviour, You see Your joy
I see Your eyes, staring into mine

You are, I am
But I've been so blind, all this time
My God, touch me
I want to see the way that You see

Jonathan Helser

Shopping

I'm a pretty big fan of giving gift cards and online shopping. A) I'm not a good gift giver, so I'd rather know you're going to choose something you like. B) I don't love crowded places like shopping centers, so online shopping is easy and often included the option of having something delivered to your door. Love it! So, today, I found a new online place to shop that I think I'm going to enjoy frequenting. www.worldcraftsvillage.com is a WMU company that sells products made by artisans in impoverished countries around the world, helping support them as well as providing opportunities to share the Gospel of hope through Jesus Christ with them. Take a look!

When I Grow Up

Last week I went to lunch with five lifelong WMU (Women's Missionary Union) ladies. It was one of the most fun days of my life. These were senior adult women telling hilarious and facinating tales of their most recent adventures. I'm not talking about trips they took twenty years ago, I'm talking about the trip they went on last year, or the one they're planning for this year, or the one they want to take to South America next year! Oh, that I could be so cool!

The Discipline of Prayer

"When we go to prayer, the devil knows we go to fetch strength against him, therefore he opposes us all the more." ~ Richard Sibbs

As an avid reader for most of my life, the discipline of Bible study has come much more easily than the discipline of prayer, but both are necessary for fruitful life on the Vine, are they not? I've struggled with various prayer routines, but never felt truly disciplined in this very important matter.

Meeting with the girls on Thursday nights has helped that a lot. Exchanging notecards each week the specific desires of my sister's heart, helps me focus on praying consistently for her, but still, it seems there is a list a mile long of others in need. How do I pray fervently for each of them?

Recently, I discovered www.echoprayer.com , a place to help me keep track of the things for which I am praying. It's basically an online prayer journal. I go to the site, set up my prayer list, then choose specific days and times to be sent e-mail or text message reminders to pray for those things. I've been using it for a couple of weeks now, and I love it. It's a blessing to be reminded each time I go to my inbox that there are loved ones in need and I've been given the privilege of interceding for them.

So, if you're like me and struggle with the discipline of prayer, try out www.echoprayer.com!

What Do You Read?

Finishing graduate school has been an amazing boost for my love of reading. I've found that I can pick up something that interests me and read it without feeling guilty for all the other books I "should" be reading. I read a lot of fiction in the months right after graduation ... because I could. But, more recently, I've turned back to other reading, things that challenge or inspire. And, I've been asking my friends for suggestions. What do you read? What's subjects interest you most? Have you read any good biographies lately? Who's your favorite author? Please, share!

Jan's Gone Home

I just received word that Jan Moses went to be with the Lord late last night. While I ache for her family, I cannot find it in me to be sad for her. She was so ready to be with Jesus. According to her family, here's what she had to say when discussing the plans for her memorial service ...

"There will be people there who don’t understand… Why would God let ya’ll have cancer, let ya’ll suffer… I don’t think we could go through any of this without believing in and trusting in the sovereignty of God. We believe what God’s Word says about Him, that He is sovereign and He’s in control.

“And He’s got this big, worldwide, eternal focus that we, as finite human beings, don’t have. And He knows what He’s wanting to do, in the lives, not just in our family, but other people’s lives around the world. And if He can use any of this to bring one person into His kingdom, it’s worth it.

“I know where I’m going; I don’t mind dying… I have a place I’m going to… But it’s those people that don’t know Him, I don’t see how anyone gets thru something like this without knowing the Lord. And that’s what I would encourage people there at the service… to accept Him as their Lord and Savior. That’s the only thing worth living for in life, and that’s following Him.”

Might we all be so focused!

O Church, Arise

"O Church, Arise"
Words and Music by Keith Getty & Stuart Townend
Copyright © 2005 Thankyou Music

O church, arise and put your armor on;
Hear the call of Christ our captain;
For now the weak can say that they are strong
In the strength that God has given.
With shield of faith and belt of truth
We'll stand against the devil's lies;
An army bold whose battle cry is "Love!"
Reaching out to those in darkness.

Our call to war, to love the captive soul,
But to rage against the captor;
And with the sword that makes the wounded whole
We will fight with faith and valor.
When faced with trials on ev'ry side,
We know the outcome is secure,
And Christ will have the prize for which He died—
An inheritance of nations.

Come, see the cross where love and mercy meet,
As the Son of God is stricken;
Then see His foes lie crushed beneath His feet,
For the Conqueror has risen!
And as the stone is rolled away,
And Christ emerges from the grave,
This vict'ry march continues till the day
Ev'ry eye and heart shall see Him.

So Spirit, come, put strength in ev'ry stride,
Give grace for ev'ry hurdle,
That we may run with faith to win the prize
Of a servant good and faithful.
As saints of old still line the way,
Retelling triumphs of His grace,
We hear their calls and hunger for the day
When, with Christ, we stand in glory.

Jan

A woman I have watched from across the aisle is living her final days on this earth. I am certain I have never grieved for one I knew so little personally the way that I am now. Jan has been such a testimony of God's faithfulness, and while I do not hope for my life's journey to lead through the physical pain she's suffered, I do pray I will be the testimony of grace that she has been no matter what the future holds. Read some of her words, previously recorded on video for her family.

“Let me tell you about the valedictorian of our High School class… This person was voted most likely to succeed. Best in science and math. …and had all these awards… 30 years later, that person doesn’t own a car, doesn’t own a house, no big salary, nobody probably knows much about this person. Is this person successful? Has this person accomplished anything? In the world’s eyes probably not. But that person is me.”

“Maybe in the world’s eyes I haven’t been successful. But, I thank God for the life we’ve had, because it’s been a good one. If we’re doing what God wants us to do, we don’t have to worry about being successful. We’re just being faithful. That’s what I want to hear when I go to heaven, is God saying, “Well done, my good and faithful servant.” He doesn’t say, “My good and successful servant.” I may have not accomplished much in the world’s eyes, but the One I’m concerned about pleasing is Him, so that’s OK.”

To read more about her extraordinary story and family, go to www.caringbridge.org/texas.moses

In April, I will be speaking at a Women's Retreat for a church in Azle. Jan was their first choice, I'm just filling in since it seems she's got a greater appointment. Please pray for me that I would serve these women as unto the Lord with even half the grace and passion that Jan would have brought to them.

A First

I had my first near-death experience while driving home tonight. I'm not sure why I'm blogging about it except that it's late, and I should be in bed, but I haven't stopped shaking yet. I was headed headed home from a concert about 11:30 p.m. this evening, driving southbound on a mostly deserted Bryant Irvin Road, going about 40 mph when a truck to my right, coming out of a neighborhood, barrelled past a stop sign right in front of me and across my path. In shock, I hit my brakes hard and swerved to the left, thinking surely he'd stop before coming all the way across both lanes, but I don't think he ever even paused. I ended up headed south on the northbound side of the divided road, which was blessedly deserted. I was able to turn my car around, get back on the correct side of the road and proceed home without incident. I've had a few close calls as far as car wrecks, but never one that I am certain would have done major damage if not killed me had it not be avoided. For years, I've joked about funeral arrangements and even blogged about what you're to do in case of my passing, but tonight, I've had opportunity to truly think about life (and death) and all the implications of so narrowly avoiding disaster. Strangely enough, when I got home, my roommates were watching "An Unfinished Life." My thoughts are still a little cluttered, but a few things stick out to me. One) I realized that I wasn't afraid of dying. There is a natural instinct for self-preservation, and I am thankful to live another day and have another opportunity to glorify the Lord, but there was no fear of death or eternity in those uncertain moments. (There was, however, great fear of totaling a nearly paid for car, and catastrophic medical bills!) Two) My days are numbered by the "Star Breather" (to use a Louie Giglio phrase), and today was not my last. Lord willing, tomorrow I will rise and have a fresh set of mercies to carry me through another set of opportunities. Three) Nothing is certain. Tonight, I worshipped at an amazing concert, praised the Lord for his abundant goodness and infinite wisdom. I stopped off at a bowling alley to see some friends for about half an hour, then headed up, checking this day off my mental calendar and thinking about the next one. How strange it was to realize that all of my planning for tomorrow (and many days after that) may have been in vain. Four) There are things about my life that are "unfinished." There are people who still need to know that the Good News is for them, that they have a choice to make about Jesus. My laundry needs to be washed and put away. My sinks haven't been scrubbed this week. My journal is full of hopes for the future, but lacking in praises for today. And, there are a few people who might not know how much I love them. I'd better tell them one more time as soon as I can (though, it probably wouldn't feel like love if I called them at this hour!).
The psalmists words about life being but a vapor and passing so quickly have always facinated (and sometimes haunted) me. Even if you life a "full" seventy years, it's still short. I've still got a ways to go, I hope. I want to finish well.
I'll close this rambling with Psalm 4:8, "I both lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, have caused me to dwell in safety."

In Case You Were Wondering

WAIT

Cody and I have joked for a long time that, in his vocabulary, "Time" is a four letter word. He hates to hear. Hates to be told, "It's gonna take some time," or "We'll have to look for God's time on this one." By the same token, I've discovered in the last few years that "Wait" has a similar effect on me. Scripture is full of admonitions to "Wait on the Lord," but that "wait" part starts to make me a little crazy after a while. Most recently, I've been looking at those verses and praying, "but Lord, what am I waiting for?" with more than a little whine in my voice. A new year has always been prime journaling/blogging season for me. It seems I always have something to say and never more so than when there's a blank page in front of me like the start of a new year. However, 2007 rolled into town without much pomp or circumstance in my little world. I didn't have anything to say. I didn't know what to say. I was waiting. And, I wasn't waiting "patiently" like the Psalmist in Psalm 40. I wasn't waiting with good cheer like the Psalmist in Psalm 27 either. Finally, in desperation, I cried out again, "But, God, what in the world, am I waiting for?!" That's when the picture became clear. You know, those picture's He puts in my head to help me understand my position from time to time? In the picture, I am treading water (waiting) and I'm looking to various shores all around me, and each one represented one of the things I thought might be the key to getting "unstuck" from this waiting position. Graduation. New Job. Right Relationship. And the list goes on. I was positively frantic sitting in that water looking from one shore to the other and realizing that none of those things was capable of rescuing me. That's when it became clear to me. The Biblical phrase isn't "Wait." The Biblical phrase is "Wait on the Lord." It's so simple. So clear. I don't know why I missed it for so long. I think I must have known it at some point before, but I'd forgotten it more recently. In the picture, God wasn't on the shore around me, He was above me, and as I turned my attention toward Him, the words of Isaiah 26:3 came back to me so clearly, "You will keep in perfect peace Him whose mind is fixed on You." So, in 2007, I'm learning what it truly means to wait on the Lord, to let Him come to my rescue and be my All-Sufficient One.