Courage and Fear

Courage: to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart. ~ Brene Brown 

When I first began this journey toward international foster parenting, I was so excited about the ways I sensed God leading me ... about finding something that seemed like such a perfect fit for me, about the opportunity to fulfill a dream ... I didn't give fear much thought.  Sure, I believed there would be difficulties and challenges along the way, but that was to be expected.  I had never been a fearful person.

Then I went to my first pre-service training class, (aka: Mommy School).  There are 12 total Mommy School classes, offered two at a time on Saturdays.  I missed the first week, so I jumped in on week two.  Less than a week into my journey, I found myself sitting in a class titled "Refugee Mental Health and Responding to Sexual Trauma."  No problem, I thought.  I've got this.  I could teach this.  I'm a professional.  I sat, I listened, and I began to doubt.  Talking to grown women in my office is not the same as comforting, shepherding, parenting traumatized teens in my home.  I went home and ran my fastest (don't even ask how slow that is) mile yet, and followed it up with a big bowl of ice cream.  

Then I began looking for a home, believing that a permanent residence is the best way to truly build a stable environment for this strange new family to grow.  I did my pre-qualification paperwork, contacted an acquaintance who is also a real estate agent, and set out to look at potential homes in my price range.  Then I came back and crunched some numbers.  And took a second job.  And kept crunching.  And packing pb&j for lunch, and trying to ignore all of my friends and family members whose homes seemed to "break" this summer to the tune of giant, unexpected bills that sounded terrifying.

Then I started working on the paperwork to incorporate a non-profit organization called Mariposa House Ministires.  That came with lots and lots of tiny print, tax codes, legalese, financial and policy questions I suddenly felt completely incompetent to address. 12 years working in nonprofit world suddenly felt inconsequential. What was I thinking?

Then it was Back-to-School time for our clients at work, and thinking it would be "fun" practice, I agreed to shop for three teenage girls who'd been adopted by generous donors.  School supplies, shoes, and a first-day outfit for each.  Trying to find trendy yet appropriate attire in the junior's section about put me over the edge.  And all I could think was, "I'm only looking for one outfit right now ... for girls I've never met, girls who won't be able to argue back at me about it.  Next year, I'll be shopping for wardrobes of clothes in this department with girls who will surely have opinions about my choices."  It was enough to make me consider withdrawing my application altogether.

Add to all of those experiences the number of times a week I hear a woman say, "I just don't know how single moms do it ... I just don't know how I'd have gotten through it without my husband ... I can't imagine trying to do all this without a supportive spouse," and it's truly a wonder nobody's found me huddled in a fetal position in a corner somewhere.  I shiver.

I don't feel like I know much about courage.  I do feel like I am learning a lot about fear.  But, if by chance, courage truly is telling the story of who you are with your whole heart ... Or, perhaps, it's as simple as moving forward, afraid ... then yes, I am learning.

“Sing, O  barren, You  who  have not borne! Break forth into singing, and cry aloud, You  who  have not labored with child! For more  are  the children of the desolate Than the children of the married woman,” says the  Lord . “Enlarge  the place of your tent, And let them stretch out the curtains of your dwellings; Do not spare; Lengthen your cords, And strengthen your stakes. For you shall expand to the right and to the left, And your descendants will  inherit the nations, And make the desolate cities inhabited. “Do  not fear, for you will not be ashamed; Neither be disgraced, for you will not be put to shame; For you will forget the shame of your youth, And will not remember the reproach of your widowhood anymore. For your Maker  is  your husband, The  Lord  of hosts  is  His name; And your Redeemer  is  the Holy One of Israel; He is called  the God of the whole earth."

Isaiah 54:1-5

Why I'm Going to Jail

There's this thing I pray, something I've said so many times that it's almost more habit than heart.  God, teach me to love what you love and to hate what you hate.

I've prayed it for years, and honestly, as I've wrestled with habitual sins, selfish attitudes, and a rebellious spirit, I've often wondered whether it was a waste of breath.  Maybe I was just not capable of developing a heart that truly craved the things that God loves.  

This year started out messy.  

On January 1, I helped some of my dearest friends pack up their home to move away.  They were following God's call on their lives, and rarely has an occasion been so truly bitter and sweet for me.  

Two and a half months later, in March, Commons Church held it's final worship service. The number one thing I'd poured myself into for a majority of the previous three years was over.  I still don't have the right words to articulate that loss, and as much as I want to be, I'm not finished grieving it either.   

Then, in April, an innocent enough text message turned my world inside out again.  "Soo...I may have accidentally got you roped into potentially becoming a foster parent ..."  Claire had no idea I'd been praying for wisdom about what to do with the growing desire in me to foster.  Two weeks later, I was in my first (of many) pre-service training class for International Foster Care. That led to many other things, including working toward becoming a homeowner and incorporating Mariposa House Ministries.  

Finally, in May, I was asked if I'd be willing to go with part of Cornerstone's reentry team into Tarrant County Jail and talk to inmates about the value of mentoring and the importance of truly allowing themselves to be mentored.  

It's August now.  My savings toward a down payment on a home is growing.  I am four hours away from completing 40 hours of pre-service foster care training.  Mariposa House Ministries, Inc is registered with the state and soon to be registered with the federal government, too.  And, I'm one ID badge away from going to jail.  

As I sat in a jail orientation meeting on Saturday morning, I couldn't help but think, "What in the WORLD have I gotten myself into?  I don't want to go to jail!  This is crazy."  I love ex-cons, trust me.  I'm great with them on this side of jail.  I love it when they come to CWJC or I get to visit with them in the waiting area of our Welcome Center at Cornerstone. I get so excited when God opens doors and gives them a second chance at life.  But go? To jail?  Then, Chaplain Barrett began to quote Matthew 25, For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’ “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’ “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’ 

And, he just had to add, "PRISON MINISTRY IS ONE OF A HANDFUL OF THINGS ABOUT WHICH JESUS SAYS, 'I TAKE THIS PERSONALLY.'"  I literally sat up at that.  Put my feet on the floor, straightened my back, and leaned forward.  And, slowly, the beginnings of excitement for this new task began to push the apprehension back a bit.

This morning, as I dutifully prayed, "God, teach me to love what you love ..." I had one of those epiphany moments as He whispered over me, "I am, child.  I am."  You see, He loves orphans and prisoners!  And, guess what I'm learning to do?  Love orphans and prisoners! He's teaching me.  He's turning my world upside down and inside out for them.  He's stretching me far beyond my natural reach with the supernatural power of His Spirit.  He's answering my prayer.

There's still five months left in this year, and I've been wondering all along what exactly I'll remember about 2013.  Will I remember how much it hurt in the beginning?  Will I remember how many tears I cried in front of others because my grief was too big to hide?  Will I remember how I struggled to find a new church home?  How I constantly battled fears of inadequacy and failure as I launched into dreams far too big for me?  

But, maybe, just maybe ... I'll remember 2013 as the year God answered my prayer and taught me to love what He loves.