When I Need It Most

Can I be honest for a few minutes? Can I tell you where I'm at and what I'm (re)learning?

This weekend at CPC, our sweet pastor, spoke some VERY gracious words over and about me. I was blessed and honored to receive them, and I'm genuinely thankful that to most of the world I present gentleness and kindness in my speech, heavily seasoned with scripture. That is who I long to be and what I long to be known for -- rainbows and butterflies and all!

But.

The truth is, nobody is rainbows and butterflies all the time. The truth is, just this past Friday night, I was shamefully sharp-tongued, unfair, and unkind to someone I love very much.

And, the truth is, despite my sunny outlook on life most days, I have a history of struggling with a black cloud of depression that has ruined more days and strained more relationships than I care to count.

My maternal grandmother died last month. She was 87 years old, and she loved Jesus. It wasn't a tragedy. She wouldn't come back if she could. But, I've missed her something fierce these past weeks. I've questioned every interaction with her I can remember, wondered whether I said or did enough of the right things, hoped she knew I loved her so, wished I'd made more time to sit with her. And, I've grieved and mourned and cried till I thought I'd get dehydrated.

And, yesterday was Mother's Day. And I couldn't be with my mom, who was missing her mom. I bought her a nice gift and I spent time with her on Friday and Saturday, but we didn't take any pictures and I didn't write her a card full of superlatives. And, I felt crummy about that.

Last night, as I left the grocery store with a cart full of what can only be considered "comfort" foods with big plans to eat all my feelings, I thought to myself, "The black cloud is back. I'm in the depression hole, and I do not know the way out."

BUT.

Before I could formulate a plan about who to call for a counseling referral, that still, small voice inside of me said, "Don't you?"

"Don't you know that the Lord is a shield about you, your glory and the lifter of your head? (Psalm 3:3) Don't you know that when you walk in darkness, you can trust the name of the Lord your God? (Isaiah 50:10) Don't you know that the Lord inhabits the praises of His people (Psalm 22:3), and you can put on a garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness? (Isaiah 61:3) Don't you?"

Here's the deal. I see nothing wrong with counselors and doctors and medicine. But, I also know it's not okay to say I don't know the way out and I need professional help when I'm not doing the things I know to be right first. The truth is, I am in a dark place, feeling dark things, but the truth is I also know where the light switch is. I know that God's Word feeds and sustains me and shines light on every dark path. The truth is I know God's Word brings comfort and healing that food or wine or binge-watching television shows can never provide. The truth is, I do know the way out.

The truth is, God's Word is powerful, sharper than any two-edged sword (Hebrews 4:12), useful for every circumstance (2 Timothy 3:16-17), enough for all of life (2 Peter 1:3). It doesn't just speak in my obedience and joy. It speaks in my disobedience and grief.

So, I'm making a fresh commitment today to ignore my feelings and read God's Word anyway. To spend daily time with it. No excuses. Not because I feel like it or want to, but because I don't feel like it and don't want to. Because that's when I need it the most.

"Study this Book of Instruction continually. Meditate on it day and night so you will be sure to obey everything written in it. Only then will you prosper and succeed in all you do. This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” -- Joshua 1:8-9