I heard it again today. "You know you love me because..." I'm sure I've said it - more than a few times. But, today, I heard it. I really heard it. I think it struck me this time because of who said it. Truth be told, he probably isn't entirely sure I do love him, and since I'm a little stingy with the "L" word, I am certain I've never told him. Not only did he say it, he made up his own reason for me to love him and informed me, not only that I do love him, but why I love him.
I think it's always the why that's the most interesting to me. It's as though someone is telling me what I should find worthwhile about them. The thing is, they rarely nail it. Rarely does someone say to me, "You know you love me because ..." and finish the statement with anything resembling the true source of my commitmentfondness/affection/willingness to sacrifice for them. And, as my initial amusement fades, I feel a little sad. At the risk of unnecessarily turning a very comical moment into a very weighty one, I am tempted to push "pause" on the conversation. I want to gently pull the person near me, turn their face until I'm certain he or she is really listening, then tell them what they're worth to me.
Only, I don't do it. A) I hate ruining a funny moment. B) I don't have words for those things. Are you kidding me?
There was a running joke/argument in my life a while back that had to do with whether or not love has to cost you something to be proven. I argued that a truly worthwhile love must cost you something. And, a fairly new acquaintance in my life at the time made it his ambition to be certain loving him cost me something. This provided no small amount of entertainment for others around us since that person determined that the fastest way to prove my love was to annoy or embarrass me at every opportunity. This went on for a number of weeks, finally culminating in an exasperated exclamation -- "How are you ever going to love me if you can't get mad at me?!" He was still teasing, but how many times I've thought about that exclamation.
The truth is, he was right. I don't get mad at people I don't love. I don't have enough invested in them to get angry. The truth is, I don't cry over the words of people I don't love. I don't have enough invested in them to care what they think. The truth is, I don't confront people I don't love. I don't have enough invested in them to see their wrongs much less desire to see them corrected. So, for those of you out there wondering if I love you, it would seem that the questions to ask yourself might be: Has she ever been angry with me? Have I ever made her cry? Has she ever sat me down for coffee and difficult conversation?
There's the if ... but what about the why?
For me, love is about two words: commitment and investment. Initially, as I enter into any sort of relationship with you, my love is a commitment. I decided to "do life" with you in some form or fashion, and I'm committed to doing it well. I love you, but it's not really rooted in anything except our shared circumstances. The girls who come to [YOOJ] might understand this best. From the first or second time they visit, they'll start receiving emails and texts from me (usually to the group, occassionally personal) and they're almost always signed "Love." The newest girls, I love based on the committment I've made to act in a loving way toward anyone who becomes part of that group. The girls who've been there longer, I love because of the investment my initial commitment has cost me. We've been together for over a year and a half, doing life together week in and week out. Laughing, crying, laboring in prayer, studying scripture, serving each other and the Body. I am deeply invested in their lives. Occassionally, it is one of these women who says to me, "You know you love me because ..." and I can honestly say that no matter how she finishes that sentence, it will sound trite in comparison to the depth of love achored deep within me for her.
So, go ahead, feel free to tell me that I love you and why. Just know, you probably have no idea how right and how wrong you are. ;-)
Monday, April 28, 2008
Thursday, April 17, 2008
I Still Don't Get It
He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation. For by Him all things were created, both in the heavens and on earh, visitible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions, or rulers, or authorities - all things have been created through Him and for Him. He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together. Colossians 1:15-16
Majesty escapes me. I don't get it. I still come to him, rambling, about things I think I might want, but not measuring my words very carefully. I pray as though He is only half-listening the way I often only half-worship.
This morning as I brought my petitions before the Lord, I was reminded of this passage from Colossians. Reminded that when I come before the Father in the Name of Jesus, I have gained access to One who moves heaven and earth ... literally. I was reminded that while I may be easily distracted, weak-willed, and feable-minded, He has promised His full attention. He has promised that when I ask anything in His Name according to His will, He hears me.
I rearranged my prayer list this morning. First, I gave it a title, "Things I'm Trusting You to Provide." Then, I tried very hard to focus on each request, acknowleding that it was something only He could do and committing to trust Him for it rather than worrying about it in the days ahead.
I practiced praying as though I really believed He was listening. A novel concept, huh?
Majesty escapes me. I don't get it. I still come to him, rambling, about things I think I might want, but not measuring my words very carefully. I pray as though He is only half-listening the way I often only half-worship.
This morning as I brought my petitions before the Lord, I was reminded of this passage from Colossians. Reminded that when I come before the Father in the Name of Jesus, I have gained access to One who moves heaven and earth ... literally. I was reminded that while I may be easily distracted, weak-willed, and feable-minded, He has promised His full attention. He has promised that when I ask anything in His Name according to His will, He hears me.
I rearranged my prayer list this morning. First, I gave it a title, "Things I'm Trusting You to Provide." Then, I tried very hard to focus on each request, acknowleding that it was something only He could do and committing to trust Him for it rather than worrying about it in the days ahead.
I practiced praying as though I really believed He was listening. A novel concept, huh?
Monday, April 07, 2008
Where's The Pause Button?
There is a matter in my heart which has brought me to my knees ... more than once. Today, as I knelt again before the Lord, there were no words to offer Him. Surely, He knows even better than I do the very cry of my heart in this matter. Sincerely, it is for my good and His glory. This afternoon, sitting at my desk, trying to be diligent in my God-appointed labors, I had a funny thought.
I would rather be on my knees.
It seems to me that in this matter, I would rather sit before the Lord, literally. I would rather be sitting silently, conscious of His presence, waiting for Him to move me than to have to be up, working, carrying on, wondering when He will speak and what He will say.
It's frustrating, this life we live. It's so stinkin' daily afterall. There's no "pause" button. I love the "pause" button.
I remember reading a quote by Oswald Chambers once that talked about the difficulty of the Christian life being more in the "walking and not fainting" than in the soaring with the eagles. I'm prone to agree.
It's hard for me when there aren't words. My favorite movie quote of all time afterall comes from Anna and The King. "When a woman of many words says nothing, the silence can be deafening." I almost always have words!
In this matter, I'm out of words before the Lord. I just come, open-handed, empty-handed, saying nothing, offering up a very weary soul. I feel guilty about it sometimes, thinking maybe if I could just find the right words, then the Lord would move. Ha! How dim my understanding of His majesty! Then, today, I read this quote:
"I will offer Him my prayers, my sighs. I will pour out my heart to Him. Even in their distractedness, inconsistency and deficiency, I can be confident that my prayers rise to Him like incense." ~ Elisabeth Eliot
There's no pause button for this life, but there is a God who is not rushed, never hurried, and seriously unconcerned with my time table. He hears even the words I cannot speak.
I would rather be on my knees.
It seems to me that in this matter, I would rather sit before the Lord, literally. I would rather be sitting silently, conscious of His presence, waiting for Him to move me than to have to be up, working, carrying on, wondering when He will speak and what He will say.
It's frustrating, this life we live. It's so stinkin' daily afterall. There's no "pause" button. I love the "pause" button.
I remember reading a quote by Oswald Chambers once that talked about the difficulty of the Christian life being more in the "walking and not fainting" than in the soaring with the eagles. I'm prone to agree.
It's hard for me when there aren't words. My favorite movie quote of all time afterall comes from Anna and The King. "When a woman of many words says nothing, the silence can be deafening." I almost always have words!
In this matter, I'm out of words before the Lord. I just come, open-handed, empty-handed, saying nothing, offering up a very weary soul. I feel guilty about it sometimes, thinking maybe if I could just find the right words, then the Lord would move. Ha! How dim my understanding of His majesty! Then, today, I read this quote:
"I will offer Him my prayers, my sighs. I will pour out my heart to Him. Even in their distractedness, inconsistency and deficiency, I can be confident that my prayers rise to Him like incense." ~ Elisabeth Eliot
There's no pause button for this life, but there is a God who is not rushed, never hurried, and seriously unconcerned with my time table. He hears even the words I cannot speak.
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