Sifted

I realize that reading my blog might make one assume I'm quite the crier.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  It's just that the things that do bring me to tears tend to be the things I feel strongly enough to write about.

I think I've mentioned that the last few weeks have been rough.  My life, personally, is good.  My job is stable.  My home is peaceful.  My relationships are healthy.  My car runs smoothly.  My family is well.  Good.

But near me, people hurt.  Sickness, death, fear, loss, grief, sadness, anger, confusion, doubt.  They hurt, therefore, I hurt.  I've been poured out, emptied speechless by the pain of people near me.  I've sat stunned silent before the Lord, shaking my head, arms folded to show my disapproval at His handling of things, at a loss for what to say, not knowing how to give voice to my own frustrations and confusion in the face of what just seems like too much.  Too much.

This afternoon a friend I haven't spoken with in months sent me a short text message.  "You've been on my heart.  How are you?"

As I attempted to answer that question, my throat closed and my eyes burned.

You see, over a month ago, three different people in my life said something similar to me. All people I don't see or talk to regularly.


I've been praying for you.
You've been on my mind, praying for you.
You're heavy on my heart, praying for you.

I joked at the time that I was afraid of what was around the corner.  Why was God raising up so many people to pray for me.  To my knowledge, all was well.  What could I possibly need prayer for???

As I read a similar message today, I was reminded of those other friends.  The prayer warriors God raised up before I even knew how badly I needed them.  How he was preparing me for this season.  And, then I was reminded of this conversation between Jesus and Peter before the cross:

“Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers.”  Luke 22

I'm sad to say I took my eyes of Jesus in a lot of ways these last few weeks.  I mean, I definitely held Him responsible for all of this, powerful enough to stop it or end it or change it.  But, I did not trust His goodness, did not rest peacefully in the benevolence of His sovereignty.  

Nothing that's come into my life or the lives of those I love did not first pass through the good and gracious hands of our loving Father, and knowing I might not appreciate or understand the whys of that, He began in advance calling others to pray for me, to pray that I would cling, however timidly, to faith and ultimately come to stand firmly on the foundation of that faith in Christ.  

In awe. 

Thankful Thursday

It's taken me longer than usual to compose a Thankful post this week.  It's been a difficult week, a difficult couple of weeks, but my lack of posting isn't about a lack of gratitude.  It's just that it's been hard to put into words all of the things for which I am giving thanks right now.

I'm thankful that God has allowed me to be close enough to catch some of Angela's tears on some of the worst days of her life.

I'm thankful that at the end of a draining week, Erin showed up unexpectedly in my office just in time for lunch.  A hug has never felt so good.

I'm thankful for "TV Show" circle booths crammed full of faces I love and times when I really do get to feel like it's enough to just be me.

I'm thankful for Saturday afternoon cookouts, swimming pools, toddlers, and reminiscing.  And opportunities to see just how far we've come.  And, for how fierce Suzanne is when she compliments me.

I'm thankful for two solid years of Commons Church.  For Ashleigh's creativity and willingness to let me drag her into the craziness I got myself into!  She's really good at tying apples onto strings. She also makes some scrumptious comfort food.

I'm thankful the Bezners offer their home and their family to me as a refuge, even when I don't take advantage of it.  And that they don't rest until they're sure I know they're serious about loving me well. 

I'm thankful for Erika, this week's recipient of the meltdown tears.  I'm thankful that she pulled over on the side of a Mississippi road to listen while I finished crying rather than continue driving and risk dropping the call in the middle of that mess.  Yes,  you read that right.  I was the one crying behind the wheel in Texas, but she was the one pulled over on the side of the road waiting me out in Mississippi.

I'm thankful for Lorenzo who listens with far more patience and compassion than I deserve most days.  I'm certain he didn't know what he was getting into when he moved into the office across the hall a couple of years ago.

I'm thankful for the dinner plans I just made with Becchi, and for how just the thought of her, her birthday, and the 20 years I've known her makes me smile with more memories than I could ever put into words.

I'm thankful I get to have lunch with Dodie today.  I'm thankful for her and Jake and their faithfulness to follow the Lord even when the call is unexpected and surprising.  I'm thankful for how her faith strengthens mine.

I'm thankful I got to see Hinky this week, thankful for the husband he is to my Angie, for the daddy he is to my Addiegirl, and thankful for how when he makes me laugh it's always an irrepressible fit of giggles that comes on at the most inappropriate times and makes my sides hurt when it passes.

I'm thankful for the Essells.  For the home in which I live.  For the hospitality I've been shown and have opportunity to show others.  Thankful for I get to host my mom and Travis and Jill this weekend.

I could go on and on today.

I'm thankful for God's Word and how it's been my strength and comfort and delight and how in sharing some of the passages that have meant the most to me, I've felt connected to others with whom those words resonate.

I'm thankful for music and for songwriters who find ways to say what I can't put into words.

I'm thankful that when the liar in my head starts yelling his spiteful deceit, Truth has a swift and sure reply, providing a solid foundation on which to stand.

I'm thankful.  I'm thankful.  I'm thankful.

Two Short Long Years

Commons Church is celebrating today.  It's been two years since our first official Sunday morning gathering.  I've updated the blog with our stories from the past year.  It's good to hear from so many other voices how God has moved and blessed, that I'm not alone in this heart-swelling sensation of gratitude for our little community of believers.

I'm thinking today about how my life has changed in the last two years, how it looks different now from how it looked before Commons Church.  It's really difficult to put that into words.

More than anything, I think it's made Fort Worth a home for me.  It's no longer just the city I moved to 10 years ago to attend seminary.  Or the place I stayed because the door was open.  It's my home.

For the first time in 10 years, I have friends who really live here, who are't dreaming of moving away and changing the world in other places, but who are purposefully putting down roots and dreaming of changing this city.  We pray for this city.  We are intentional about serving in this city, investing in the ministries of this city.  Knowing this city and its people.  I am sure I didn't even know how much I needed that two years ago.

When I joined Commons Church, I was drawn by the promise of community.  I'd found myself in a situation where a genuine sense of community was lacking in my church experience, mostly because I'd stopped investing in new relationships.  Commons Church provided me with a group of people, a number that's still growing weekly, who really haven't given me the option of not investing.  Sharing meals and Bible study in homes and living in close proximity to one another tends to do that for you.  I get to know kids and pets, food likes and allergies, decorating styles and talents.  I get to celebrate birthdays and weddings and babies, promotions and accomplishments.  Sometimes we laugh until my sides hurt.  Other times, the tears flow in genuine sympathy.  And, in my favorite moments, we just get to BE together, the peaceful company of being where words aren't necessary.

My prayer for the next two years is that this city would truly begin to feel and know that we are here and that we love it and that we long for it to know Jesus.  That we would see God's kingdom come and His will be done here as it is in heaven.  I pray that God would continue to expand our hearts with the capacity to love and serve each one He entrusts to us.

Faithful to the Faithless

It's July 13.

Today marks 27 years since the night I cried out in the dark as a little girl and my Daddy walked me through God's plan of salvation and helped me ask Jesus to be my Lord and Savior.  Each year, as I sit to write this post, I think about what I'm learning, where I'm at in my relationship with Christ, how this year looks different from the previous ones.  What I know today about Jesus that I didn't know in the same way last year.

This year, it's a bittersweet truth.  This year, my heart doesn't swell with joy and pride as I think about my walk with Jesus.  This year has been difficult for me.  I've had a hard time staying focused and disciplined and haven't done all that I could or should to plumb the depths of His riches offered freely to me.

This morning, as I sat to journal my thoughts on this day, I looked at a lot of verses about God's goodness, His kindness, His graciousness, His steadfast love.  But, one verse came back to me over and over again.  "If we are faithless, he will remain faithful, for he cannot deny who he is."  2 Timothy 2:13

His faithfulness calls me back over and over again, affords me the grace and gives me the courage to get up tomorrow morning, begin year 28 and know that He will be there every step of the way.

Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you. So I will bless you as long as I live; in your name I will lift up my hands. Psalm 63:3-4

Wonderful Words of Life

Yesterday was a good day.  A giving day.  A serving and listening and praying and caring day.  A day when my heart swelled over and over again with the opportunity to be Jesus-with-skin-on to people I love dearly.  A day to hold hands, voice prayers, speak grace, rejoice, and remember.  I fell into bed last night exhausted and content.  I had sensed the nearness and the sweetness of the Lord over and over again throughout. 

A wise person once told me, "Souls are heavy."  Today, I felt the truth of that statement bearing down on me.  Souls are heavy.  I felt weak and spent and a bit undone.  What if I was called on to give again today?  I had nothing left.  

Silly girl.  What I had to give yesterday wasn't mine either. 

It's Thankful Tuesday.  I guess I should make a list, but each time I begin, I am overwhelmed by my sense of gratitude for one gift today.  Just one.  God's Word.   The Wonderful Words of Life.  

Of course, I'll be called on to give today.  Of course, the needs that were there yesterday are still present.  Still profound.  Of course, I have nothing of value to offer of myself.  Only Christ.  His eternal promises.  

To you, O Lord, I lift up my soul. O my God, in you I trust; let me not be put to shame; let not my enemies exult over me. Psalm 25:1-2

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you ... Isaiah 43:2

Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed. I Peter 4:12

Another Tuesday to Be Thankful

This week's list has to start with thankfulness for a Friday afternoon spent with Ms. Thankful Tuesday herself, Micha!  I spent a delicious afternoon basking in the comfort of an old friendship and soaking up the laughter of little boys playing with a water hose.  

Perhaps, I should have celebrated Thankful Friday this week, in fact, because I also got to spend a good portion of that day with some of the wonderful Christian Women's Job Corps site coordinators from around the state, hearing what's been happening in their classrooms and learning from their experienced wisdom.  

I finished off Friday evening with two of my favorite people, Travis and Jill, enjoying Mexican food and Jesus-talk at a local Austin establishment.

Saturday, the Horton Family converged on my cousin Jaclyn's house. Four generations of laughing, excited, patriotic relatives with a single goal: have as much fun together as we could possibly squeeze in to twenty four short hours.  Eat, swim, cheer for 6 year old basketball stars, talk, play dominoes, spit watermelon seeds, light fire crackers, drink Big Red, hold newborns, reminisce.  All of the best things. 

Also filling my heart with warm fuzzy thankfulness this week ... a rooftop evening under twinkle lights with dear friends, a table on the Blue Mesa patio with some of my favorite girls, a rich discussion around my living room about matters of faith and grace and God's glory, a friend who checks on my home (and the cat) when I'm away, and the arrival of a much-anticipated project celebrating Commons Church upcoming anniversary. 

One Year, 9 Months

When we were little, I would tell people we were two years apart.  Jaclyn would quickly correct my superior attitude by reminding me, "Actually, it's just a year and 9 months."  The truth is, I don't remember anything about that year and 9 months.  As far as I'm concerned, she's always been there.  My playmate, sidekick, confidante, my cousin, my friend.  

She is the best at laughing with me and listening to me, and she's better than anyone on planet Earth at tuning me out when I'm jumping up and down for attention or looking to get a rise out of her.  She isn't fooled by me for even a minute.  She knows I mumble the words of all the songs on the radio just to get to that one part I can belt out.  She knows when I'm fake smiling or pity laughing.  She knows when I just used a word I can't actually define, and is the first to realize I didn't understand the punchline of the joke either.  She catches the glint of mischief in my eye before I get to pull off the prank.  She keeps me honest. She knows I like my coffee black, that I can't be trusted not to laugh in church, and that she should never sit too close to my toes when my feet are bare.  Nobody gets a bigger kick out of story about me being clumsy than she does.  

She is so many things I admire.  Quiet but strong.  An amazing mom.  A loyal friend.  The best and quickest to supply a genuine compliment.  Unfailingly kind.  A thoughtful gift-giver.  An extraordinary hostess.  Crazy smart.  Stylish.  And, of course, sassy!

Those first 21 months were so boring without you!