Sifted

I realize that reading my blog might make one assume I'm quite the crier.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  It's just that the things that do bring me to tears tend to be the things I feel strongly enough to write about.

I think I've mentioned that the last few weeks have been rough.  My life, personally, is good.  My job is stable.  My home is peaceful.  My relationships are healthy.  My car runs smoothly.  My family is well.  Good.

But near me, people hurt.  Sickness, death, fear, loss, grief, sadness, anger, confusion, doubt.  They hurt, therefore, I hurt.  I've been poured out, emptied speechless by the pain of people near me.  I've sat stunned silent before the Lord, shaking my head, arms folded to show my disapproval at His handling of things, at a loss for what to say, not knowing how to give voice to my own frustrations and confusion in the face of what just seems like too much.  Too much.

This afternoon a friend I haven't spoken with in months sent me a short text message.  "You've been on my heart.  How are you?"

As I attempted to answer that question, my throat closed and my eyes burned.

You see, over a month ago, three different people in my life said something similar to me. All people I don't see or talk to regularly.


I've been praying for you.
You've been on my mind, praying for you.
You're heavy on my heart, praying for you.

I joked at the time that I was afraid of what was around the corner.  Why was God raising up so many people to pray for me.  To my knowledge, all was well.  What could I possibly need prayer for???

As I read a similar message today, I was reminded of those other friends.  The prayer warriors God raised up before I even knew how badly I needed them.  How he was preparing me for this season.  And, then I was reminded of this conversation between Jesus and Peter before the cross:

“Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers.”  Luke 22

I'm sad to say I took my eyes of Jesus in a lot of ways these last few weeks.  I mean, I definitely held Him responsible for all of this, powerful enough to stop it or end it or change it.  But, I did not trust His goodness, did not rest peacefully in the benevolence of His sovereignty.  

Nothing that's come into my life or the lives of those I love did not first pass through the good and gracious hands of our loving Father, and knowing I might not appreciate or understand the whys of that, He began in advance calling others to pray for me, to pray that I would cling, however timidly, to faith and ultimately come to stand firmly on the foundation of that faith in Christ.  

In awe.