When Joy and Grief Collide

A brokenhearted woman learns she is not carrying a much-desired child the same week she hosts a baby shower for one who wasn't even trying to conceive.

A wife and mother receives a clean pathology report the same week a brave warrior receives a final, terminal diagnosis.

Senseless tragedy claims lives far too young the same week one who is prepared to die is granted a reprieve.

Grief and joy.

Joy and grief.

How often our hearts must embrace both simultaneously.

Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Romans 12:15

I've struggled with this for a long time.  How could I laugh with delight over the blessing of one friend while carrying the weight of sadness for another friend's loss?

There is a time for every thing, and a season for every activity under heaven. Ecclesiastes 3:1

But what about when the seasons collide?  What about the mornings when you wake up rejoicing over the news you were longing to receive only to turn on the television and be devastated by news of the latest tragedy?  What about when the joy over the beginning of one season necessitates the painful relinquishment of a passing season?

Joy and grief.

Grief and joy.

This is the constant tension I've felt recently.  I, who prefer to neatly label and file my experiences, have found blessing and brokenness coinciding far too often for my liking.  And, I've found I cannot set aside the negative emotions in favor of the pleasant ones.  I have to feel them both ... or feel nothing at all.

... we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life.  Now it is God who has made us for this very purpose and has given us the Spirit as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come. Therefore we are always confident and know that as long as we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord.  We live by faith, not by sight. 2 Corinthians 5:4-7

The longing, the discomfort, it's evidence.  It's a promise.  It's the recognition that things are not as they should, not as they will be.  It's the Spirit reminding us that this is a temporary home.  The grief is only for a moment, the joy goes on and on.

Courage and Fear

Courage: to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart. ~ Brene Brown 

When I first began this journey toward international foster parenting, I was so excited about the ways I sensed God leading me ... about finding something that seemed like such a perfect fit for me, about the opportunity to fulfill a dream ... I didn't give fear much thought.  Sure, I believed there would be difficulties and challenges along the way, but that was to be expected.  I had never been a fearful person.

Then I went to my first pre-service training class, (aka: Mommy School).  There are 12 total Mommy School classes, offered two at a time on Saturdays.  I missed the first week, so I jumped in on week two.  Less than a week into my journey, I found myself sitting in a class titled "Refugee Mental Health and Responding to Sexual Trauma."  No problem, I thought.  I've got this.  I could teach this.  I'm a professional.  I sat, I listened, and I began to doubt.  Talking to grown women in my office is not the same as comforting, shepherding, parenting traumatized teens in my home.  I went home and ran my fastest (don't even ask how slow that is) mile yet, and followed it up with a big bowl of ice cream.  

Then I began looking for a home, believing that a permanent residence is the best way to truly build a stable environment for this strange new family to grow.  I did my pre-qualification paperwork, contacted an acquaintance who is also a real estate agent, and set out to look at potential homes in my price range.  Then I came back and crunched some numbers.  And took a second job.  And kept crunching.  And packing pb&j for lunch, and trying to ignore all of my friends and family members whose homes seemed to "break" this summer to the tune of giant, unexpected bills that sounded terrifying.

Then I started working on the paperwork to incorporate a non-profit organization called Mariposa House Ministires.  That came with lots and lots of tiny print, tax codes, legalese, financial and policy questions I suddenly felt completely incompetent to address. 12 years working in nonprofit world suddenly felt inconsequential. What was I thinking?

Then it was Back-to-School time for our clients at work, and thinking it would be "fun" practice, I agreed to shop for three teenage girls who'd been adopted by generous donors.  School supplies, shoes, and a first-day outfit for each.  Trying to find trendy yet appropriate attire in the junior's section about put me over the edge.  And all I could think was, "I'm only looking for one outfit right now ... for girls I've never met, girls who won't be able to argue back at me about it.  Next year, I'll be shopping for wardrobes of clothes in this department with girls who will surely have opinions about my choices."  It was enough to make me consider withdrawing my application altogether.

Add to all of those experiences the number of times a week I hear a woman say, "I just don't know how single moms do it ... I just don't know how I'd have gotten through it without my husband ... I can't imagine trying to do all this without a supportive spouse," and it's truly a wonder nobody's found me huddled in a fetal position in a corner somewhere.  I shiver.

I don't feel like I know much about courage.  I do feel like I am learning a lot about fear.  But, if by chance, courage truly is telling the story of who you are with your whole heart ... Or, perhaps, it's as simple as moving forward, afraid ... then yes, I am learning.

“Sing, O  barren, You  who  have not borne! Break forth into singing, and cry aloud, You  who  have not labored with child! For more  are  the children of the desolate Than the children of the married woman,” says the  Lord . “Enlarge  the place of your tent, And let them stretch out the curtains of your dwellings; Do not spare; Lengthen your cords, And strengthen your stakes. For you shall expand to the right and to the left, And your descendants will  inherit the nations, And make the desolate cities inhabited. “Do  not fear, for you will not be ashamed; Neither be disgraced, for you will not be put to shame; For you will forget the shame of your youth, And will not remember the reproach of your widowhood anymore. For your Maker  is  your husband, The  Lord  of hosts  is  His name; And your Redeemer  is  the Holy One of Israel; He is called  the God of the whole earth."

Isaiah 54:1-5

Why I'm Going to Jail

There's this thing I pray, something I've said so many times that it's almost more habit than heart.  God, teach me to love what you love and to hate what you hate.

I've prayed it for years, and honestly, as I've wrestled with habitual sins, selfish attitudes, and a rebellious spirit, I've often wondered whether it was a waste of breath.  Maybe I was just not capable of developing a heart that truly craved the things that God loves.  

This year started out messy.  

On January 1, I helped some of my dearest friends pack up their home to move away.  They were following God's call on their lives, and rarely has an occasion been so truly bitter and sweet for me.  

Two and a half months later, in March, Commons Church held it's final worship service. The number one thing I'd poured myself into for a majority of the previous three years was over.  I still don't have the right words to articulate that loss, and as much as I want to be, I'm not finished grieving it either.   

Then, in April, an innocent enough text message turned my world inside out again.  "Soo...I may have accidentally got you roped into potentially becoming a foster parent ..."  Claire had no idea I'd been praying for wisdom about what to do with the growing desire in me to foster.  Two weeks later, I was in my first (of many) pre-service training class for International Foster Care. That led to many other things, including working toward becoming a homeowner and incorporating Mariposa House Ministries.  

Finally, in May, I was asked if I'd be willing to go with part of Cornerstone's reentry team into Tarrant County Jail and talk to inmates about the value of mentoring and the importance of truly allowing themselves to be mentored.  

It's August now.  My savings toward a down payment on a home is growing.  I am four hours away from completing 40 hours of pre-service foster care training.  Mariposa House Ministries, Inc is registered with the state and soon to be registered with the federal government, too.  And, I'm one ID badge away from going to jail.  

As I sat in a jail orientation meeting on Saturday morning, I couldn't help but think, "What in the WORLD have I gotten myself into?  I don't want to go to jail!  This is crazy."  I love ex-cons, trust me.  I'm great with them on this side of jail.  I love it when they come to CWJC or I get to visit with them in the waiting area of our Welcome Center at Cornerstone. I get so excited when God opens doors and gives them a second chance at life.  But go? To jail?  Then, Chaplain Barrett began to quote Matthew 25, For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’ “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’ “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’ 

And, he just had to add, "PRISON MINISTRY IS ONE OF A HANDFUL OF THINGS ABOUT WHICH JESUS SAYS, 'I TAKE THIS PERSONALLY.'"  I literally sat up at that.  Put my feet on the floor, straightened my back, and leaned forward.  And, slowly, the beginnings of excitement for this new task began to push the apprehension back a bit.

This morning, as I dutifully prayed, "God, teach me to love what you love ..." I had one of those epiphany moments as He whispered over me, "I am, child.  I am."  You see, He loves orphans and prisoners!  And, guess what I'm learning to do?  Love orphans and prisoners! He's teaching me.  He's turning my world upside down and inside out for them.  He's stretching me far beyond my natural reach with the supernatural power of His Spirit.  He's answering my prayer.

There's still five months left in this year, and I've been wondering all along what exactly I'll remember about 2013.  Will I remember how much it hurt in the beginning?  Will I remember how many tears I cried in front of others because my grief was too big to hide?  Will I remember how I struggled to find a new church home?  How I constantly battled fears of inadequacy and failure as I launched into dreams far too big for me?  

But, maybe, just maybe ... I'll remember 2013 as the year God answered my prayer and taught me to love what He loves. 

God of "Yes" as well as "No"

There's a prayer that I've been repeating a lot lately.

God, help me to be thankful for all the times you've said "No" as readily as I am thankful for every time you say "Yes."

It's a discipline.  It's a developed response to the natural grumbling of my heart.  To the natural distrust of my flesh.  To the serpent in the Garden, "Did God really say ... ?"

On the good days, I'm certain.  I'm confident.  I know.  I believe without hesitation that God is good.  That every "No" (especially to what looks good and pleasing in my eyes) has provided opportunity for Him to say "Yes" to something better, something good, pleasing and perfect in His eyes.

Then there are days like today.  Today is a whiny, grumbling, spiritual temper tantrum sort of day.  Today is a day full of doubt and questions, of second-guessing.  "God, I could have written this story so much better."  That's what my flesh is stomping up and down to say. Today is a day when the way He's clearly pointed is not the way I want to go, and I do not feel sure He's going to actually make something beautiful out of the ashes I've offered Him.  There's stuff laying on the altar that I'd really rather not leave there, stuff to which I'd rather cling.

The great thing is, my attitude doesn't change the facts.  No matter how I feel about it, today is still grace.  There is goodness in the "No", in the sacrifice of good for best, and in the call to wait and trust.

I am whiny some of the time ... God is good all of the time.

Already All I Need

I heard this song for the first time today. But, its message resonates deeply with lessons the Lord has been teaching me about Himself and His provision in my life.

 

Song: Already all I need
Artist: Christy Nockels
Album: Into the glorious
------
Asking where You are Lord, wondering where You've been
Is like standing in a hurricane trying to find the wind
And hoping for Your mercy to meet me where I am
Is forgetting that your thoughts for me outnumber the sand.

You filled the sun with morning light
You bid the moon to lead the night
You clothe the lilies bright and beautiful.

You're already all I need
Already everything that I could hope for
You're already all I need
You've already set me, already making me more like you
You're already all I need
Jesus, You're already all I need.

Walking through this life without your freedom in my heart
Is like holding onto shackles, that You have torn apart
So remind me of your promises and all that You have done
In this world I will have trouble, but You have overcome

And every gift that I receive, You determine just for me
But nothing I desire compares to You

You're already all I need
Already everything that I could hope for
You're already all I need
You've already set me, already making me more like you
You're already all I need
Jesus, You're already all I need.

In your fullness, You're my all in all
And in your healing, I'm forever made whole
And in your freedom, Your love overflows and carries me
You carry me, yes You carry me, You carry me

You're already all I need
Already everything that I could hope for
You're already all I need
You've already set me, already making me more like you
You're already all I need
Jesus, You're already all I need.
Already all I need

You Can't Skip to Fine

I'm grieving.

I could use a less dramatic sounding term, but it would not fully encapsulate the truth.

The church that I have loved and poured myself out for in the last three years will have its final worship service in two weeks, and I am grieving.

I am grieving that it won't ever be all that I dreamed it would be.
I am grieving that I won't have a place to belong on Sunday mornings for a while.
I am grieving that, right or wrong, it feels like all that I invested of myself is lost.
I am grieving that God chose to answer my prayers differently from what I hoped.
I am grieving the friendships and relationships that have been lost, strained, or broken.

I am grieving.

And, as you know, grief is unpredictable and irrational.  It strikes unexpectedly, rolls over you like a tidal wave knocking you off your feet, doubles you over like a sucker punch to the gut at an unanticipated trigger.  It ruins the carefully painted mask you wear. It steals the words right out of your mouth.

You want to know what I hate most about grief?  You can't skip to fine.  I know I will be fine, but I'm not today.  I know that one morning, I'll wake up and it won't hurt as bad.  I'll make it an entire week without crying about it.  I'll remember with a smile, not sadness, and I'll begin to see fruit coming from what I thought was a barren crop. I will be fine.

But, I can't skip to fine.

Fine is on the other side of the mountain, and the only way over it is one step at a time.  So, I'm praying for wisdom on the way.  To harvest every possible lesson.  To find every hidden blessing.  To bear the soul markings of this journey gracefully.  To walk gently with others whose grief is the same yet wholly different.

A Garment of Praise

... the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness ... Isaiah 61:3

These last few weeks (months?) have been heavy.  Weighty.

This morning, as I headed to work, I really didn't feel ready.  I felt the weight of the last few weeks.  The heaviness.  I thought about my regularly scheduled life, and the thought felt overwhelming somehow. These are not unfamiliar thoughts for me.  As I got into my car, I sensed one of those gloomy seasons drawing close, lurking nearby.

I turned the radio off as I sat in traffic, and I listened to the silence.  That's when I heard it.  A line from a very old song I haven't sung since I was a girl took up a refrain in my thoughts.  "Put on the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness, lift up your voice to God ..."

It's very difficult to praise God and stay gloomy.  It just is.  So, right there in my car, sitting in rush hour traffic, I began to dress myself in the garment of praise.  I thanked God for the day, praised Him for who He is, recounted to myself all of the ways He's been faithful to me.  And I couldn't help but feel like the the gloom was pushed back.

When I got to work, I googled the phrase "garment of praise."  I knew it came from scripture, but I couldn't remember where.  This is what I found.

“The Spirit of the Lord God is upon Me, 

Because the Lord has anointed Me To preach good tidings to the poor; 

He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, 

To proclaim liberty to the captives, 

And the opening of the prison to those who are bound; 

To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord , 

And the day of vengeance of our God; 

To comfort all who mourn, 

To console those who mourn in Zion, 

To give them beauty for ashes, 

The oil of joy for mourning, 

The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; 

That they may be called trees of righteousness, 

The planting of the Lord , 

that He may be glorified.”  

Isaiah 61:1-3

Isaiah 58:6-14, KRH Style

My own paraphrase of Isaiah 58. 

"Is not this the fast that I choose: 

Here's the kind of worship I'd rather you practice:

to loose the bonds of wickedness, 

to undo the straps of the yoke, 

to let the oppressed go free, 

and to break every yoke? 

Repent from your sin, cast off its shackles;

proclaim freedom from the Law that binds people,

teach them about the Grace that saved you!

Is it not to share your bread with the hungry 

and bring the homeless poor into your house; 

when you see the naked, to cover him, 

and not to hide yourself from your own flesh?

Give to those in need. Give till it costs you something. 

Give when it's uncomfortable, even awkward;

and be especially good to your own family, to those you've taken for granted. 

Then shall your light break forth like the dawn, 

and your healing shall spring up speedily; 

your righteousness shall go before you; 

the glory of the Lord shall be your rear guard. 

When you do the things that please Me, 

that's when the darkness lifts and the light shines.

You begin to feel whole in a hurry, 

and you experience the freedom of being in right standing with Me 

and enjoying My presence. 

Then you shall call, and the Lord will answer; 

you shall cry, and he will say, "Here I am." 

If you take away the yoke from your midst, 

the pointing of the finger, and speaking wickedness, 

if you pour yourself out for the hungry 

and satisfy the desire of the afflicted, 

then shall your light rise in the darkness 

and your gloom be as the noonday. 

That's when you'll call, and you'll be able to hear Me answer.

Stop putting your own rules on yourself and others;

stop placing blame and sinning with your words.

Put your energy into feeding the hungry

and caring for the needy.

That's when the darkness lifts and the light shines.

And the Lord will guide you continually 

and satisfy your desire in scorched places 

and make your bones strong; 

and you shall be like a watered garden, 

like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail. 

And, I'll guide you.  I'll always show you the next step.

I'll quench your thirst even in the dry places, 

And I'll strengthen you beyond reason.

You'll flourish so much with growth and fruit, 

you'll be vibrant, and you'll always have enough to share.

And your ancient ruins shall be rebuilt; 

you shall raise up the foundations of many generations; 

you shall be called the repairer of the breach, 

the restorer of streets to dwell in. 

And, the places you thought broken beyond repair and forgotten will be rebuilt;

You'll be part of building a foundation for generations you'll never meet;

You'll be known as the one who stood in the gap,

The one who revealed Kingdom community where people live.

"If you turn back your foot from the Sabbath, 

from doing your pleasure on my holy day, 

and call the Sabbath a delight 

and the holy day of the Lord honorable; 

if you honor it, not going your own ways, 

or seeking your own pleasure, or talking idly; 

then you shall take delight in the Lord , 

and I will make you ride on the heights of the earth; 

I will feed you with the heritage of Jacob your father, 

for the mouth of the Lord has spoken."

If you quit using My day for your own pleasure,

expecting it to be about what you want and think you need,

but rather take it seriously as time of rest and worship,

then you'll begin to delight again in Me.

I'll give you pleasure and energy like you've never known,

I'll feed you with riches and abundance you've never dreamed of.

That's My heart for you.  What I promise, I do.

Good and Near and Broken

The nearness of God is my good. Psalm 73:28

God is near to the brokenhearted. Psalm 34:18

A broken and contrite heart, He will not despise. Psalm 51:17

A broken heart is good.

This train of thought plays out in my mind daily it seems.  When my thoughts are wracked with disappointment that life hasn't turned out the way I wanted or planned for it to go, as I am driven to my knees desperate to hear the voice and sense the presence and maybe, just maybe, catch a glimpse of the hand of God over my circumstances, then I know.

The one who comes to Him must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him diligently. Hebrews 11:6

"I am your very great Reward." Genesis 15:1

God's economy.  It's not mine.  He doesn't measure time or good or reward as I would.  He knows better.  He knows best.  There will be blessing, but I am reminded today that sometimes blessing is brokenness.

Reminders

I keep a playlist on my Spotify account called "Reminders", songs full of the Biblical truth that I need to hear to drive out the lies I'm prone to believe.  I've been listening to that playlist a lot lately as life has felt a little overwhelming.  I think it's amusing, though, how often I'm surprised by just how plainly these songs speak into my circumstances.  I catch myself thinking, "Man, I really needed to hear that today," and then I laugh.  Well, duh! That's why it's called "Reminders."

Today, as I sat at my desk, weariness and stress bearing down on me, I heard these lyrics:

So many times I question certain circumstances
and things I could not understand.
Many times in trials my weakness blurs my vision
and that’s when my frustration gets so out of hand.
It's then I am reminded, I've never been forsaken.
I've never had to stand one test alone.
As I look at all the victories, the Spirit rises up in me.
And It's through the fire my weakness is made strong.
He never promised that the cross would not get heavy
and the hill would not be hard to climb.
He never offered a victory without fighting.
He said help would always come in time.
Just remember when you're standing in the valley of decision
and the adversary says give in, Just hold on.

Our Lord will show up
and He will take you through the fire again

Through the Fire -- Jason Crabb

When you go through deep waters,

I will be with you.

When you go through rivers of difficulty,

you will not drown.

When you walk through the fire of oppression,

you will not be burned up;

the flames will not consume you.

Isaiah 43:2