Courage: to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart. ~ Brene Brown
When I first began this journey toward international foster parenting, I was so excited about the ways I sensed God leading me ... about finding something that seemed like such a perfect fit for me, about the opportunity to fulfill a dream ... I didn't give fear much thought. Sure, I believed there would be difficulties and challenges along the way, but that was to be expected. I had never been a fearful person.
Then I went to my first pre-service training class, (aka: Mommy School). There are 12 total Mommy School classes, offered two at a time on Saturdays. I missed the first week, so I jumped in on week two. Less than a week into my journey, I found myself sitting in a class titled "Refugee Mental Health and Responding to Sexual Trauma." No problem, I thought. I've got this. I could teach this. I'm a professional. I sat, I listened, and I began to doubt. Talking to grown women in my office is not the same as comforting, shepherding, parenting traumatized teens in my home. I went home and ran my fastest (don't even ask how slow that is) mile yet, and followed it up with a big bowl of ice cream.
Then I began looking for a home, believing that a permanent residence is the best way to truly build a stable environment for this strange new family to grow. I did my pre-qualification paperwork, contacted an acquaintance who is also a real estate agent, and set out to look at potential homes in my price range. Then I came back and crunched some numbers. And took a second job. And kept crunching. And packing pb&j for lunch, and trying to ignore all of my friends and family members whose homes seemed to "break" this summer to the tune of giant, unexpected bills that sounded terrifying.
Then I started working on the paperwork to incorporate a non-profit organization called Mariposa House Ministires. That came with lots and lots of tiny print, tax codes, legalese, financial and policy questions I suddenly felt completely incompetent to address. 12 years working in nonprofit world suddenly felt inconsequential. What was I thinking?
Then it was Back-to-School time for our clients at work, and thinking it would be "fun" practice, I agreed to shop for three teenage girls who'd been adopted by generous donors. School supplies, shoes, and a first-day outfit for each. Trying to find trendy yet appropriate attire in the junior's section about put me over the edge. And all I could think was, "I'm only looking for one outfit right now ... for girls I've never met, girls who won't be able to argue back at me about it. Next year, I'll be shopping for wardrobes of clothes in this department with girls who will surely have opinions about my choices." It was enough to make me consider withdrawing my application altogether.
Add to all of those experiences the number of times a week I hear a woman say, "I just don't know how single moms do it ... I just don't know how I'd have gotten through it without my husband ... I can't imagine trying to do all this without a supportive spouse," and it's truly a wonder nobody's found me huddled in a fetal position in a corner somewhere. I shiver.
I don't feel like I know much about courage. I do feel like I am learning a lot about fear. But, if by chance, courage truly is telling the story of who you are with your whole heart ... Or, perhaps, it's as simple as moving forward, afraid ... then yes, I am learning.
“Sing, O barren, You who have not borne! Break forth into singing, and cry aloud, You who have not labored with child! For more are the children of the desolate Than the children of the married woman,” says the Lord . “Enlarge the place of your tent, And let them stretch out the curtains of your dwellings; Do not spare; Lengthen your cords, And strengthen your stakes. For you shall expand to the right and to the left, And your descendants will inherit the nations, And make the desolate cities inhabited. “Do not fear, for you will not be ashamed; Neither be disgraced, for you will not be put to shame; For you will forget the shame of your youth, And will not remember the reproach of your widowhood anymore. For your Maker is your husband, The Lord of hosts is His name; And your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel; He is called the God of the whole earth."
Then I began looking for a home, believing that a permanent residence is the best way to truly build a stable environment for this strange new family to grow. I did my pre-qualification paperwork, contacted an acquaintance who is also a real estate agent, and set out to look at potential homes in my price range. Then I came back and crunched some numbers. And took a second job. And kept crunching. And packing pb&j for lunch, and trying to ignore all of my friends and family members whose homes seemed to "break" this summer to the tune of giant, unexpected bills that sounded terrifying.
Then I started working on the paperwork to incorporate a non-profit organization called Mariposa House Ministires. That came with lots and lots of tiny print, tax codes, legalese, financial and policy questions I suddenly felt completely incompetent to address. 12 years working in nonprofit world suddenly felt inconsequential. What was I thinking?
Then it was Back-to-School time for our clients at work, and thinking it would be "fun" practice, I agreed to shop for three teenage girls who'd been adopted by generous donors. School supplies, shoes, and a first-day outfit for each. Trying to find trendy yet appropriate attire in the junior's section about put me over the edge. And all I could think was, "I'm only looking for one outfit right now ... for girls I've never met, girls who won't be able to argue back at me about it. Next year, I'll be shopping for wardrobes of clothes in this department with girls who will surely have opinions about my choices." It was enough to make me consider withdrawing my application altogether.
Add to all of those experiences the number of times a week I hear a woman say, "I just don't know how single moms do it ... I just don't know how I'd have gotten through it without my husband ... I can't imagine trying to do all this without a supportive spouse," and it's truly a wonder nobody's found me huddled in a fetal position in a corner somewhere. I shiver.
I don't feel like I know much about courage. I do feel like I am learning a lot about fear. But, if by chance, courage truly is telling the story of who you are with your whole heart ... Or, perhaps, it's as simple as moving forward, afraid ... then yes, I am learning.
“Sing, O barren, You who have not borne! Break forth into singing, and cry aloud, You who have not labored with child! For more are the children of the desolate Than the children of the married woman,” says the Lord . “Enlarge the place of your tent, And let them stretch out the curtains of your dwellings; Do not spare; Lengthen your cords, And strengthen your stakes. For you shall expand to the right and to the left, And your descendants will inherit the nations, And make the desolate cities inhabited. “Do not fear, for you will not be ashamed; Neither be disgraced, for you will not be put to shame; For you will forget the shame of your youth, And will not remember the reproach of your widowhood anymore. For your Maker is your husband, The Lord of hosts is His name; And your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel; He is called the God of the whole earth."
Isaiah 54:1-5
1 comment:
You've got this sister!!!
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