Struggling Behind the Smile

In light of the recent death of actor/comedian Robin Williams, there's been a lot written today about depression and suicide prevention and reaching out, and I think it's all a very important conversation to have openly, especially with those you love.

As someone known for her quick smile, a loud laugh, and a wide circle of good friends, it's often difficult for others to believe that I have also limped through some frighteningly dark seasons. My heart goes out to those who struggle in secret. I am grateful for wise and godly counselors (yes, the professional kind), for long-suffering and compassionate friends, and for the lamp of God's Word. One of the verses that frequently offered me hope during my darkest days comes from Isaiah 50:10. In the Amplified Bible, it says ...

"Who is among you who [reverently] fears the Lord, who obeys the voice of His Servant, yet who walks in darkness and deep trouble and has no shining splendor [in his heart]? Let him rely on, trust in, and be confident in the name of the Lord, and let him lean upon and be supported by his God."

The day I first read this verse, it was like a glimmer of light at the end of a very long, dark tunnel.  For months, I'd felt weighed down by a sadness that would not lift, numb to the joys of life or relationships, unable to focus or concentrate on my work, and despairing about the future.  I had lost any desire or ability to pull myself out of it, and I was starting to believe the rest of life was going to just creep along in the same dull gray haze.

There was (and is!) so much comfort for me in knowing that the Bible acknowledges the fact that one can reverently fear and obey the Lord yet still walk in darkness and deep trouble without joy of heart. And, the only answer is to just believe God right there in the darkness.  I sat alone, on the floor in my bedroom with my Bible open in my lap, tears falling on the page as I read and re-read that hope.  "let him lean upon and be supported by his God."  Leaning was about all I felt like I could manage at that point, so lean I did.  

What did that look like practically?  It looked like getting help from a professional.  It looked like acknowledging to myself and those close to me that I was not okay and I was not going to get to okay without help.  It looked like letting the tears fall and trusting God to catch them rather than bottling them all up and masking everything with a fake "fine."  It looked like giving up all my pretense of bringing anything to the table with God and just falling hard into His arms of grace, allowing myself to believe that my Heavenly Father loved and accepted me wholeheartedly for no other reason than that I was His.  I rested.  My mind, body, and soul rested.  

The healing did not come all at once.  It didn't even come quickly.  It came, as most of life does, day by day. Moment by moment.  Grace by grace. 

I write today because I am saddened but not shocked by the death of Robin Williams.  I write today to say that nobody is beyond the struggle.  Nobody is exempt from life's pain or being pulled under by the sadness.  And, I write today because I found hope in my most desperate hour, and it is a hope that is available to any who would claim it.  Our God is a God of light and grace and healing.  I write today because I am living proof that you can lean fully into Him and you will not fall.  It will not always hurt.  It will not always be dark. Seasons are just seasons.  They always pass.