When You Tell Me I Love You

I heard it again today. "You know you love me because..." I'm sure I've said it - more than a few times. But, today, I heard it. I really heard it. I think it struck me this time because of who said it. Truth be told, he probably isn't entirely sure I do love him, and since I'm a little stingy with the "L" word, I am certain I've never told him. Not only did he say it, he made up his own reason for me to love him and informed me, not only that I do love him, but why I love him.

I think it's always the why that's the most interesting to me. It's as though someone is telling me what I should find worthwhile about them. The thing is, they rarely nail it. Rarely does someone say to me, "You know you love me because ..." and finish the statement with anything resembling the true source of my commitmentfondness/affection/willingness to sacrifice for them. And, as my initial amusement fades, I feel a little sad. At the risk of unnecessarily turning a very comical moment into a very weighty one, I am tempted to push "pause" on the conversation. I want to gently pull the person near me, turn their face until I'm certain he or she is really listening, then tell them what they're worth to me.

Only, I don't do it. A) I hate ruining a funny moment. B) I don't have words for those things. Are you kidding me?

There was a running joke/argument in my life a while back that had to do with whether or not love has to cost you something to be proven. I argued that a truly worthwhile love must cost you something. And, a fairly new acquaintance in my life at the time made it his ambition to be certain loving him cost me something. This provided no small amount of entertainment for others around us since that person determined that the fastest way to prove my love was to annoy or embarrass me at every opportunity. This went on for a number of weeks, finally culminating in an exasperated exclamation -- "How are you ever going to love me if you can't get mad at me?!" He was still teasing, but how many times I've thought about that exclamation.

The truth is, he was right. I don't get mad at people I don't love. I don't have enough invested in them to get angry. The truth is, I don't cry over the words of people I don't love. I don't have enough invested in them to care what they think. The truth is, I don't confront people I don't love. I don't have enough invested in them to see their wrongs much less desire to see them corrected. So, for those of you out there wondering if I love you, it would seem that the questions to ask yourself might be: Has she ever been angry with me? Have I ever made her cry? Has she ever sat me down for coffee and difficult conversation?

There's the if ... but what about the why?

For me, love is about two words: commitment and investment. Initially, as I enter into any sort of relationship with you, my love is a commitment. I decided to "do life" with you in some form or fashion, and I'm committed to doing it well. I love you, but it's not really rooted in anything except our shared circumstances. The girls who come to [YOOJ] might understand this best. From the first or second time they visit, they'll start receiving emails and texts from me (usually to the group, occassionally personal) and they're almost always signed "Love." The newest girls, I love based on the committment I've made to act in a loving way toward anyone who becomes part of that group. The girls who've been there longer, I love because of the investment my initial commitment has cost me. We've been together for over a year and a half, doing life together week in and week out. Laughing, crying, laboring in prayer, studying scripture, serving each other and the Body. I am deeply invested in their lives. Occassionally, it is one of these women who says to me, "You know you love me because ..." and I can honestly say that no matter how she finishes that sentence, it will sound trite in comparison to the depth of love achored deep within me for her.

So, go ahead, feel free to tell me that I love you and why. Just know, you probably have no idea how right and how wrong you are. ;-)