Owned

Have you ever felt completely owned by sin? Just absolutely powerless to defeat its hold on your life? Certain that freedom in Christ is God's plan for every other believer in the world, but a totally unrealistic hope for you?

I'm so sad to tell you I have. More days than not, that's the uphill battle I fight.

More times than I care to acknowledge, I've been tempted to pray, "God, just kill me now. Take me home. I'm no good to you here. I don't want to keep struggling like this. Just kill me now." And, I meant it, too. Wracked with doubt, discouragement, failure, and fear, it truly seemed better to me to just quit because I couldn't conceive of a day beyond the darkness and pain. It's a terrible place.

I shared these terrible thoughts with a friend this week, then sat back and waited for her to make me feel foolish. Instead, she graciously and compassionately looked at me and said, "yeah, I know how you feel." I was rocked. Then she said, "I have no wisdom for you, except Jude 24-25." What?! Jude? Who even knows where that is? I had to practically sing through the entire New Testament song to get there. But, when I did, here is what I found:

"Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling ..."

It was two days before I made it past that phrase. You see, if you've been reading my blog for long at all, you know that I absolutely love to talk about "He who is able to do exceedingly abundantly beyond all that we ask or imagine ..." but I have never even considered that He is able to keep me from stumbling.

That's when some things began to come into focus for me. In my struggle against sin, my prayers most often are uttered out of my own white-knuckled attempts to power my way past temptation in my own strength. I don't mean to do it. It's just that to ask for help rather than forgiveness means acknowledging my own wicked heart and the fact that most of my sinning is pre-meditated, that there is that moment before it happens that I have time to decide what I'm going to do. So, I end up praying, "God, forgive me. God, I'm sorry. God, I'll never do it again. God, just remove all temptation from my life!" (Right!) When, what I should be praying is, "Father, show me the way out of this temptation before it becomes sin that grieves your heart. God, I am clumsy, but you are able to keep me from stumbling. God, I don't know what to do but my eyes are on you."

Just last weekend, I had the privilege of walking our college students through Ephesians 1:7-8, "In Christ, we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of our tresspasses, according to his grace which he lavished on us in all wisdom and insight." You know what my favorite part of that verse is? The last part, "in all wisdom and insight." He chose me, redeemed me, forgave me, knowing full well what a mess I would be. That's incredible to me. It was no accident on His part. And, He's not sitting up in heaven regretting His sovereign choice, kicking Himself for picking me.

To him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy — to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore! Amen.