Lessons In Missions: I Can't Do It ... And That is Okay!

After spending three months as a student missionary in Guadalajara, Mexico in the fall of 2001, I returned home to Texas unsure I ever wanted to leave American soil again. Guadalajara was the scene of many incredible lessons in God’s faithfulness, but on the whole, I felt like a failure as a missionary and did not relish the idea of repeating the experience. There are plenty of people who need to hear the Good News about Jesus right here in the good ol’ U.S.of A. after all, right? I came home. I moved to Fort Worth, and I started seminary. I was determined to be the best home missionary there was. I would show the Lord and anyone else watching that I could be useful, faithful, successful right here in my own little comfort zone. For three years, I did not leave the state of Texas. My heart beat wildly at the thought of being too far from home and all things familiar. It’s not like it was all that hard. I mean, I was a graduate student after all. I had important things to do. I was putting myself through school. I couldn’t be expected to spend money on frivolous things like mission trips. Then Caleb called. He was taking his youth group on a trip to Morelia, Mexico and needed another female sponsor, preferably one who spoke Spanish. I think I probably laughed at him. If I didn’t laugh out loud, I am certain I chortled inside. He must be crazy!, I thought. I knew I’d told him what a terrible missionary I was. Crazy or desperate, those were the only possibilities. Like any godly woman, I told him I’d pray about it. I was quite certain there was no way God was sending me back to Mexico. I’m not so sure I prayed about it as much as I fretted about it and spent my time before the Lord telling him all of the reasons we both knew this was such a bad idea. Certainly He had to agree with me. Right? Silence. I couldn’t believe it! Finally, I was running out of time to give Caleb a solid answer. I woke one morning telling the Lord I needed an answer, and I was willing to hear whatever the answer might be. I went to work that morning only to be passed a string of Spanish-speaking clients needing my help. I got to my desk and found the “time-off” request form I’d filled out just in case, laying there … approved. I got home and checked my e-mail, only to receive a word of encouragement from a friend I’d met three years earlier in Mexico. It felt like a conspiracy! I don’t remember what all happened that day, but I was certain at the end of it that I was going to spend 10 days in Mexico that summer. And, when Caleb called the next week to say he was purchasing airline tickets and needed an answer, I flatly told him, “Yes, I’ll go. Buy my ticket.” Not having shared any of this struggle with him, I’m not certain he caught the resignation in my tone. I was resigned, though. Not happy, not sad, just resigned. The next two months passed quickly, and soon, the trip was just two weeks away. I woke with a start one morning with just four words flashing like a neon sign inside my head, “I can’t do this!” What had I been thinking? This was nuts! I couldn’t go back to Mexico! I certainly couldn’t go back with a group of students in my charge! What in the world could I possibly show them? How to be a failure at missions? No, this idea had disaster written all over it. I emailed Caleb and told him of my new conclusion. I entreated him to understand what a big mistake we were making. He laughed patiently at me and told me I was going, the ticket was purchased, the plans were made, the kids needed me there. I shared my trembling with another friend, repeating the flashing words over and over again, “I can’t do this.” Finally, with more patience than I deserved, he said, “No, Kristen, you can’t. It’s good you realize it now.” Those were the first words to penetrate my heart in mind in days. And, in their place came a new set of words, a memory verse taught to me by a Spanish professor in college. “Todo lo puedo en Cristo que me fortalice.” I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I was right and so was my friend. I couldn’t do this, but Christ in me could accomplish anything when I submit to Him. Through the next two weeks of preparation, another verse became dear to my heart and brought me much comfort as I sought to take each thought captive and make it obedient to the will of God. John 15:5, “I am the Vine, you are the branches. Apart from me, you can do nothing. If you remain in Me and My words remain in you, you will bear much fruit.” There is was in black and white, clear as day. I could do nothing apart from Christ, but when I chose to let His words abide in Me and I in Him, I could bear much fruit. I don’t know why I was even surprised to arrive at our final group meeting before the trip only to hear one of the leaders pray that very verse over those students. It’s amazing how many times those verses come to mind as I face life’s daily challenges. Every time I am tempted to cry out a defeated, “I can’t do it!” I am reminded that I indeed cannot do it, but Christ in me can do all things!