Coming Up Short

In the practice of confession this week, I was treading very slowly, choosing my words with extra care. My sister finally said, "spit it out, my ears can handle it!"  Chagrined, I admitted, "it's not your ears I worry about; it's my own dignity I'm still trying to preserve."  I've thought about that conversation a lot.  The absurdity of my attempts to confess my own wickedness while maintaining some semblance of respectability would be comical if it were not so pitiable.

She graciously heard what I needed to say, listened carefully, without passing judgment, then boiled it all down to a simple statement that I hope will haunt me for a long time to come.  "At some point, you're going to have to decide if you love your sin or if you love Christ."

I've known for a long time now that I am guilty of stopping short of radical.  I want enough of Jesus to be usable.  Even better, I want to be "blessable."  But, I always shy away from crossing the line into radical.
The problem is, there's no such thing.  I've drawn a false line.  I can't be usable or blessable without being radical.  I can be dignified.  I can have the respect of persons.  I can own nice things.  I can hold honored positions. I can bask in my meager accomplishments.  But, I cannot be Spirit-filled, Christlike, God-glorifiying without full surrender of myself, my will, and my delusions of dignity.

It is a strange thing to fear and yet crave the humbling that I know must come.  I cannot pray daily to love what God loves and hate what He hates, then expect that He would allow any amount of pride to go unmortified.

May I never boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, through which the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world. Galatians 6:14