Valentine's Day feels like a mine field to me. Most years I tolerate it without a strong opinion one way or the other. I smile indulgently at those who feel the need to publicly proclaim their affections, try not to roll my eyes at those who claim to be "dating Jesus", and refuse to jump on the bitter bandwagon of those who rant against it all. Still, every so often I wake on this day, and my normally level-headed, rational self has been invaded by a 20 year old drama queen who isn't capable of truth-centered thinking to save her life. Today was one of those Valentine's Days.
I had a foreboding feeling when I checked the mail last night and my annual "You'll always be my Valentine" card from Dad wasn't there. To be fair, I generally laugh at that card and tell him I'm afraid he might be right. I might always be exclusively his Valentine. But, secretly, I love that he takes the time to pick out a card and address it in his own handwriting and tell me I'm special at least to one man on this planet. But, last night, the mailbox was void of any personal mail, and dread set in.
This morning, I wasn't fully awake when my phone rang. "Dad" calling. It was the confirmation I was afraid of, no card was in the mail, just an early morning wake up call as an attempt to make up for the oversight. I don't like to be awakened by anything other than quietly playing music, so a ringing phone with an overly jovial parent pestering me just because he can was not a great beginning. (Sidenote: My dad is on the very short list of people in this world who know exactly what my buttons are and how to push them in perfect sequence to elicit a fullblown emotional display. Admittedly, this can be funny, but it's also seriously annoying.)
As I rolled slowly out of bed and began my morning routine, the drama queen took over in my thoughts. Oh, the lies she tells. She's ridiculous, and I'm ridiculous for entertaining her. She exhausts me. She is straight from the pit of hell, and she knows exactly where my weak spots, tender scars, and carefully guarded wounds hide. She pokes and prods and does her best to affirm every doubt I've ever had about myself. I spent a long miserable day telling her she was a liar, that she was not speaking the Truth, and doing my best to preach the Truth to myself louder than she was spewing her lies.
I dragged myself home, feeling utterly defeated and wondering what in the world I had to offer the sweet women in my Community Group tonight. A Bible study about "Becoming a Woman of Faith" from someone who was struggling to believe the most basic truths about her own identity in Christ? This spelled disaster. Three of the women were already there when I arrived. I listened empathetically as we stood in the kitchen and each of them exchanged war stories from the day. I knew almost instantly that none of us needed a lecture about faith as much as we needed to be heard and lifted up in prayer tonight, so I closed the book and invited the sharing. When it was my turn, I took a big deep breath, fixed my eyes on the corner of the wall across the room, and told them about my day and the drama queen in my head. They listened, and they prayed, and they hugged. And, I felt better. The day was almost over.
On my way home, I dropped by to see some friends who'd gotten together for dinner. I walked into a peaceful living room where they were enjoying a rambling conversation. I sat and listened and eventually joined in, and I laughed. I laughed that super crazy wheezing laugh that earns me strange looks and almost always gives me a headache later, but is so worth it in the moment. I sat and soaked up the joy of being in the company of people with whom I feel known and accepted. And, when I got back in my car two hours later, I realized the drama queen had finally shut up.
Sometimes, no matter how hard we try to preach the truth to ourselves, it takes hearing it from others to make it sink in. The combination of my sweet Community Group listening and praying and hugging followed by the a healthy dose of laughter in the company of great friends soothed the aching places and quieted the nagging doubts.
It's nearly midnight now. Valentine's Day 2011 has come and gone. I'm glad I didn't write about it until the end. The story wasn't over yet. It wouldn't have been complete. Tonight, I am reminded how important it is to let the story unfold, to trust the Author and believe Him when He says He does not disappoint.
To You they cried out and were delivered; In You they trusted and were not disappointed.
Psalm 22:5
2 comments:
Our conversation was rambling? :)
The lying drama queen gets ahold of us all- with or without a valentine... Glad you didn't let her win!
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