When It Seems Easier Not to Believe

I had a conversation last week with a friend who calls himself a skeptic/atheist. He wants to question God about why things have happened in his life, but he's not entirely certain there is a God to be questioned.

This was a difficult conversation for me because everything in me wanted to defend God. How dare he not believe in the Almighty? How dare he not trust God's divine providence? How dare he question God's goodness? The funny thing is, whether blatantly or inadvertantly, I am fairly certain I pose a lot of the same questions on a frequent basis in my own heart and mind.

Believing God isn't always easy.

As I thought about all that this friend has experienced, and I reflected back on painful seasons in my own life, I realized that sometimes it really does seem easier not to believe.

I wrote a few weeks ago about Habakkuk. I'm preparing to teach Habakkuk 2 tomorrow night, and I'm increasingly intrigued by the prophet's relationship with God. The prophet asked honest questions, rooted in his knowledge of and confidence in God's character. God answered with a vision. Only, it wasn't the vision of the end, it was a vision of the middle of things. It wasn't the picture of God and His people triumphing. It was a picture of evil men overtaking God's people, followed by a picture of the same evil men being destroyed by their own pride. It was ugly and dark and terrifying. And, still, Habakkuk responds with praise. And, I am challenged. Will I do the same?

Sometimes, particularly in the darkness where daily life feels like an open wound being opened and salted repeatedly until we become blinded and numb by grief and pain, when evil appears to triumph over good, and the Rescuer is nowhere in sight, it seems easier not to believe. Isn't it easier to believe that there's Nobody or Nothing out there than to have to cling desperately to the belief that an all-knowing, all-powerful, sovereign God not only allowed our circumstances but has not chosen to change them?

I remember clearly the day I cried out to Him in anguish, telling Him how I wished He wasn't there, so I wouldn't feel so angry and betrayed by what He hadn't done. Scripture likens that conversation to the clay calling out to the potter, and it's truly laughable now, but it was no laughable matter at the time.

Here's some of what I learned from that place.

A) God does ordain darkness. There are times when He allows His children to walk through dark places for a variety of reasons. Isaiah 50:10 says, "Let Him who walks in darkness and has no light trust in the name of the Lord and rely on His God."

B) God never leaves us in the darkness. His silence does not equal His absence.

C) God and I have different definitions of good. Psalm 73:28, "But as for me, the nearness of God is my good." Psalm 34:18, "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 119:71, "It is good for me that I was afflicted, that I might learn your statutes."

D) God's heart is always for my good. God has never allowed anything into my life that He could not make beautiful when surrendered to His skillful, loving hand. Ephesians 2:10, "For we are God's workmanship created in Christ Jesus for good works which God prepared in advance for us to do."

E) He who gave His son for me, will never withhold any good thing from me. Romans 8:31-32, "What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who is against us? He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him over for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things?"

I've been thinking a lot lately about the power of personal testimony. A very wise friend spoke to me as I was coming out of that dark season saying, "Kristen, don't you think it's important when you look people in the eye and speak to them of God's faithfulness that there be something deep inside you that is able to communicate that with the conviction of experiential knowledge?" She was so right. I sit across my desk every day from broken women, and I can tell them with utter confidence that my God is mighty to save. I can look directly into the eyes of a friend steeped in dark pain and confidently tell him that God is near, and He is good.

Yes, there are times I admit it seems easier not to believe. But, the despair of that state of mind is intolerable. I choose the more difficult road of belief because hope sustains me. "Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail." Lamentations 3:22