The Labor of Prayer

When my friend Lauren was teaching first grade, she would frequently tell me stories about a child named Wesley who was forever responding to her instructions with a scrunched up little face, barely pushing the words passed his pursed lips, beneath a tightly furrowed brow, "But, Miss Ahveckio (not exactly her name, but close), that's too haaaaard!" This was particularly hilarious when I was able to spot him the very first time I walked into her classroom, no introductions necessary. I was standing in the doorway, waiting while she lined the kids up for lunch. She looked at Wesley and asked him to tie his shoes before getting in line, and he scrunched that face up just like she'd imitated for me previously, and got about as far as, "But, Miss Ah-" before she cut him off and told him to just do it. Amazingly, he bent down and tied his shoes. I was so amused!

Today, I was thinking about prayer. I was noticing that several of my facebook friends have status lines today that request prayer for one endeavor or another. And, I was thinking about some of the things I'd like some prayer about right now. And, I was thinking about how fun it is when you pray for something and God works it out as only He can do. And, then I was thinking about how it's been a while since I experienced that. But, it's also been a while, since I really labored over something in prayer. So, then I was thinking about why that is. If I know prayer works. I believe prayer works. I've seen prayer work. Why am I not more quick to get busy with it rather than trying so many other less effective things first?

And my next thought stunned me.

Too often, I don't jump to serious prayer over a matter more quickly because it's hard. It's labor. It takes time and concentration and effort. Much like Wesley, I am called to prayer, and my first response is, "But, God, it's too haaaard!" in my whiniest voice. And, much like Lauren, the Lord says, "Do it. Just do it. Call to me and I will answer and I will show you great and mighty things which you do not know. I am He who is able to keep you from stumbling and present you blameless with great joy before His glorious majesty. I am He who is able to do exceedingly abundantly beyond all that you could ask or imagine."

Well, when you put it THAT way ...

One More :-)

Hurricane by Jimmy Needham

I have built a city here
Half with pride and half with fear
Just wanted a safer place to hide
I don’t want to be safe tonight

I need You like a hurricane
Thunder crashing, wind and rain
To tear my walls down
I’m only Yours now
I need you like a burning flame
A wild fire untamed
To burn these walls down
I’m only Yours now
I’m only Yours now

I am Yours and You are mine
You know far better than I
And if destruction’s what I need
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
Then I’ll receive it Lord from Thee
Yes, I’ll receive it Lord from Thee

And it’s Your eye in the storm
Watching over me
And it’s Your eye in the storm
Wanting only good for me
And if You are the war
Let me be the casualty
‘Til I’m Yours alone
I am only Yours
I am Yours alone, Lord

Unashamed Love

While I'm sharing lyrics, let me go ahead and post these as well. It's called "Unashamed Love" by Ten Shekel Shirt.

You're calling me to lay aside the worries of my day
To quiet down my busy mind and find a hiding place
Worthy, Worthy
I open up my heart and let my spirit worship Yours
I open up my mouth and let a song of praise come forth
Worthy, You are worthy

Of a child-like faith
And of my honest praise
And of my unashamed love
Of a holy life
And of my sacrifice
And of my unashamed love

Sweet Morning Light

I jotted down a line from one of the songs we sang during The Leadership Summit last week, and I finally got around to tracking it down. It's called "Sweet Morning Light" and is coupled with "This Pathway" by Greg Ferguson.

I will trust
Through the darkest night
What I knew to be true
When I last saw daylight

Moved by faith
And not by sight
Till at last I see
What you promised me
On the distant horizon
At the first sight of sweet morning light

Lord, this pathway
May not be easy
But it’s where I’m meant to be
In your presence You will keep me
As my mind is stayed on Thee

I will follow through the canyons
Over mountains
Across the seas
You will find me
In your footsteps
Till at last I’m home and free

Lord, don’t let me
Be dissuaded
From Your holy work in me
Till I reach your destination
And I’m finally home and free

#tls09 ... Wess Stafford: Leveraging Your Past

Whew. Wess Stafford was by far the most difficult talk to listen to, but one of the richest hours of the conference. Wess is the president of Compassion International, but his talk was about his own painful history of childhood abuse and how he's allowed the Lord to take his pain and turn it into a passion for freeing children from poverty in the name of Jesus Christ.

Stafford calls his testimony, "a story God redeemed and leveraged for good." He stands, telling his painful tell, and states, "by God's grace I am still usable in His Kingdom ... God has crafted each of us with a story of brokenness to redeem for His glory."

Then he asks the questions, "What's your cause? Does it move you to tears? What is it that moves you passionately?" As someone who truly doesn't cry easily -- I know you don't believe this about me, but it's true -- this was tough for me. "Don't live without a passion that draws you to tears -- don't lead like that."

As someone who's currently working on a new Bible Study series about the glories of being "in Christ" I thrilled when Stafford said, "We have worth because of Who gives us worth." Amen!

In addressing the issue of forgiveness for those dealing with a painful past, Stafford says, "you may not forget what you have forgiven, but you will never forget what you cannot forgive." He goes on to say that unforgiveness is the primary avenue satan uses to gain access to believers' lives. Stafford says forgiveness is giving up your right to revenge.

Speaking about allowing God to redeem a painful or destructive past, Stafford said, "Sometimes we limit the definition of the word redemption. Sometimes we are not expansive enough to know what else He can redeem."

And, finally, my favorite quote of the entire two days ...

"My prayer is that as Jesus wipes the tears from my eyes, He'll also have to wipe the sweat from my brow because I worked until I was wonderfully interrupted by His trumpet call."

#tls09 ... Dave Gibbons: Thinking Forward

The point during Dave Gibbons talk that I first really sat up to listen was just a couple minutes in when he said, "The world stops and pays attention when it sees us loving someone who is unforgivable to us." I'm always looking for ways to measure whether or not I'm truly living a set apart life, and I love being challenged to think about how the church, too, should function in a way that forces us to think radically, biblically. Gibbons points out that "normal" is when likes attract. People who have everything in common are drawn to one another and ready and willing to help one another. But, Gibbons says, the church is called to be abnormal, we are called to a painful adaptation, to a "mindset and will to love and serve in any culture," especially those that are difficult for us.

Gibbons went on to challenge our "metrics," the way we measure life and success. Our natural inclination is to view success on a graph as "up and to the right." But, Gibbons says, life rarely works that way. Most of us experience set backs and challenges, but we should not consider those failures because he says, "Your pain is your platform to humanity." "Most of the world doesn't understand success, but they do understand suffering."

Gibbons then challenges the way we view people around us. In his opinion the most important thing about a person is their story. His most oft quoted statement of the day was "relationship trumps vision," meaning it's much more important to develop relationships with people and be committed to people rather than to a grand vision without relationships. And, he points out, "you can't have a great vision without a great relationship with God."

Gibbons closed by offering four acts of obedience to help us become more "abnormal."

1. Deeper collaboration. Work together, listen better to each other, receive input from many sources, including those on the fringe.
2. Communal living. Do life deeply with those around you. Live close to others and maintain an open life out of which you minister to those closest to you, starting in your home and moving to your neighborhood and beyond.
3. Prayer. Believe in the power of the Holy Spirit.
4. Radical Sacrifice for the outsider. Offer up the things that cost you something to give and to serve.

#tls09 ... Andrew Rugasira: Aid vs. Trade

I confess, I have never ever had any desire whatsoever to go to Africa. (To be fair, I've rarely had any desire to go anywhere they don't speak English or Spanish.) It's just never been on my radar, and it's not because I haven't known plenty of people with a heart for the African continent who've gone and returned with magnificent stories. I've prayed for many of them, rejoiced with them, but never felt particularly drawn.

On Friday morning, Andrew Rugasira took the stage. He is a Ugandan man with a heart and passion for his people with a fresh perspective and a challenge for Americans. He is also the founder of Good African Coffee. His first question was "What comes to mind when you hear the word Africa?" He then gave us a few moments to settle on some images. Then, he spent the next 30 minutes challenging that image.

He says that we've heard it said many times that most Africans survive on less than $1/day, and we think "how poor!" But, then he says, "What entrepreneurship is takes to survive on a dollar a day, no?!" Rugasira defines integrity as being truthful about what you need to od oot get out of a situation. He is a proponent of finding ways to help Africans help themselves -- trade, not aid. He asks, "there is no country that has developed through handouts -- why is Africa different?"

Rugasira challenges us to look at Africa and see opportunities rather than problems, to change the dialogue of our conversations about Africa, and to ask ourselves, "what is the impact of our compassion?" He challenges us to see Africa as a country of consumers, innovators, and entrepreneurs.

I can never come close to describing Rugasira or his talk nearly well enough, but I loved how it got me to thinking and challenged the way that I see poverty in general. It was a wonderful follow up to an interview earlier in the conference with Jessica Jackley, founder of www.kiva.org.

#tls09 ... Harvey Carey: Against All Odds

Unfortunately, my notes from this session are a little all over the place. It was one of my favorite sessions, but I was having a difficult time getting it all down in an easily communicable way.
Harvey Carey is pastor at Citadel of Faith Community Church in Detroit, MI. A number of years ago, he felt God's call to move from a good-paying position at a large church in Chicago to start a new work in the poorest zip code in America.
I had several "take aways" from his message.

1. We are not called to huddle; we are called to play the game. Carey said this while discussing the way that Citadel uses Sunday mornings for mobilization. His analogy is that of paying good money to go to a football game. Standing and cheering as the team enters the stadium and huddles on the sidelines in preparation for the game. However, five minutes go by, then 10, fifteen, and then thirty. Finally, after an hour, the team yells, "break!" and they all trot back into the locker room. They didn't do what they were supposed to do. They didn't accomplish what they'd trained all week to accomplish. They never played the game! Christians are really good at huddling, but there comes a time when we must get out and play the game -- do the thing -- be the church.

2. One of the more humorous but challenging anecdotes Carey shared was about something his church calls "urban camping." Rather than planning men's campouts into the woods, they take their tents and their lanterns and their chairs and their s'mores and "camp out" next to the worst crack house they can find. They sit around and roast marshmallows and sing praise songs, and one by one, they've shut down 8 different crack houses in their city!

3. Finally, Carey asks the question, "When do we take the Bible and make the promises of God real?" And his answer? "We don't experience the fulness of God's Word because we don't create context (opportunities) for the text to work." This was powerful to me. Perhaps I don't see God at work more often around me because I work so hard at living safe rather than living obediently.

#tls09 ... Tim Keller: Leading People to the Prodigal God

I picked up Tim Keller's book "Prodigal God" a few months ago after a friend recommended it to me. I read the first few chapters one weekend, found the premise fascinating, then went back to work and forgot about it. Now, I can hardly wait to pick it up again.
Before I go any further for those of you unfamiliar with this book, wondering how in the world one might rightly attribute the adjective prodigal to God, I should tell you that the definition of "prodigal" is "recklessly extravagant." Keller says that most of us assume the target audience of the parable of the prodigal son in Luke 15 is sinners who will most identify with the younger brother. His proposition is that the real target audience was the Pharisees, the very "good", who would most identify with the elder brother. And, the main point of the story is that both younger brothers and elder brothers are alienated from the father's heart. At the end of the story, it is the bad boy younger brother who is saved, but the "good" elder brother is left outside because of his "goodness." He missed the party.
Keller says Pharisaical religion obeys to be accepted, but the gospel is for people who understand they are accepted and therefore obey. Elder brothers obey God to get things. God is a means to an end.
Keller offers a few ways to recognize "elder brothers." First, an elder brother gets furious when life doesn't go their way. They believe God owes them. Second, elder brothers can't handle criticism because their self-image is not rooted in Christ; it's rooted in their own "goodness." Third, elder brothers pray petionary prayers, rarely simply enjoy God, and have little intimacy with Him. Fourth, elder brothers constantly loathe others who don't measure up to their standards. Fifth, elder brothers can't forgive. Keller says, "you can't stay angry and bitter at someone unless you feel superior to them."
So, what do we do when we recognize the elder brother in our our lives? Keller says we must find a new level of repentance and rejoicing. We must glory in our salvation and the grace that afforded it to us rather than thinking that we're doing God some kind of favor by obeying Him. "The secret to spiritual renewal is not repenting from your wrongdoing, but repenting from your real reasons for right doing."

A quote from this session I hope I don't soon forget:

"The only reason we can be clothed in the father's robe is because Jesus was stripped naked on the cross." Keller says that Jesus is the true elder brother, the One willing to go to any length to bring us back into the Father's house. In the parable, the younger son had taken and squandered his inheritance. The only way the father could welcome him back was by taking from the elder brother. Jesus willingly paid the price for us to be welcomed back into right relationship with God.

#tls09 ... Gary Hamel: Manage Differently NOW

During the second session yesterday morning, Gary Hamel challenged the way we think about church leadership in our rapidly changing world. His first question was, "Are you changing as fast as the world around you? Are you part of the vanguard or the old guard?" He discussed data that shows an increasingly negative cultural perception of Christians, particularly "born again" and "evangelical" Christians. He states his fear that "Church today has become a weekly convocation for the converted and content," and that we are "losing market-share due to apathy and antipathy."

Then, just about the time his talk was starting to feel depressing, he says, "Maybe we should be grateful that so many people are no longer willing to just go through the motions." In other words, it's not necessarily a bad thing that "cultural Christianity" is dying off and fewer and fewer people are willing to play church. This got my attention.

He then went on to describe the pace of change as hypercritical and exponential, observing that the future is less and less an extrapolation of the past. Then he said, "the world is becoming more turbulent faster than organizations are becoming more resilient." Our visions became strategies that became policies that turned into procedures which became habits. He says this is why "success is a self-correcting phenomenon." ;-) Hamel says, "Coming up with a vision is not the difficult thing, reinventing that vision from the root and branch is." WE HAVE TO CHANGE THE WAY WE CHANGE.

As if I wasn't already busy working through that, he began giving "points" after this!

1. Overcome the temptation to take refuge in denial. He says, "we miss the future, not because it's unknowable but because it's unpalatable." Dang! That one stuck somewhere deep in me. How often do we refuse to prepare for the future because we don't like what we see coming? How ridiculous does that sound when we really examine it?! Hamel says, "Face the facts. Question your beliefs about practices. Listen to the renegades and dissidents."

2. Generate more strategic options. "The job of every leader is to make sure change sounds more fun that staying put." I smiled when I heard this one. Cornerstone is lead by someone like this. Mike never uses the word "challenge" or "obstacle" but "opportunity." Hamel says those truly committed to effective change must develop a process that is open and participative.

3. Deconstruct what you already believe. Ask yourself, "What hasn't changed in the last 3-4-5 years? Why?" If the answer isn't because it's still the best practice, then do something about it. The quote of the day may have been "The longer you're down in the trenchese, the easier it is to mistake the edge of your rut for the horizon!"

In his closing remarks, Hamel asks the question, "How unconventional does God expect you to be?" Again. Dang! If I'm to become more like Him, then I have to guess I'm to be pretty radically unconventional. Hamel challenges, "Are you more committed to redemption and renewal than to practices/policies of your church?" Of course I want to say, "well, duh," but then I examine my own life and how easily flustered I am by changes ... :-/ The last note I made on this session was something Hamel pointed out. "The early church was spiritually powerful, but institutionally weak." I'll be working over that one and what it means for me today for a while to come.

#tls09 ... Bill Hybels: Leading in a New Reality

It's time again for Willowcreek's annual Leadership Summit. I had almost forgotten how this conference made my head spin last year, but I remember now. Trust me, I remember now.

Hybels began by describing our current economic/cultural situation as a "rogue wave" -- unexpected, unpredicted, inexplicable. Five minutes into the day, my head was swimming with the idea that "leaders are energized by uncharted waters, recognizing opportunity for creativity, hearing the affirming whisper of the Holy Spirit that they were called and gifted for just such a time." He says, "rogue waves draw things out of us that calm seas never will."

Hybels offers four lessons from his own experiences leading through the last year:

1. Be the church to one another no matter what. Follow the Acts 2 model. The church is still God's plan to offer hope to the world. Offer people serious church. Nobody's coming to church looking for a mild dose of God.

2. In Kingdom Economics, the math makes no sense. Revenues are down, and needs are up, but people will still give generously and sacrificially to a white hot kingdom vision.

3. God does great things through people who are fully surrendered to Him. (2 Chronicles 16:9) Are we attracting and hiring fully yielded followers? Are we mentoring people toward this? Are we talking with people who seem to be losing this passion?

4. Live a sustainable life. Have an adequate replenishment strategy. Hybels admits to writing in his own journal 20 years ago, "The pace at which I'm doing the work of God is destroying God's work in me." The best thing you bring to the table everyday is a full bucket. He offers two strategies for this. First, have a planned negligence strategy -- say "no" more often. Second, reorder relationships. Who replenishes your bucket? Who depletes it?

This was just session one, and I was already thinking I could chew on the information for a week!

What's the Point?

"A man's greatest care should be for that place where he dwells longest; therefore eternity should be his scope."
~ Thomas Manton

I have to admit that one of my most oft asked questions in life is "What's the point?" It's the reason I frequently leave my bed unmade. What's the point? I'm just going to get back in it. It's the reason I rarely pay to have my car washed. What's the point? It's just going to rain again. It's the reason I rarely put makeup on when I'm home for the day. What's the point? I'm just going to have to wash it off. It's also the reason I nearly failed a leadership class with a syllabus full of busy work during my graduate studies. I had better things to do with my time - like skip class and strengthen the bonds of my friendship with Holly by watching Gilmore Girls. Laugh. You should. It's funny. But, it's also true. My friendship with Holly and the laughter we shared over that silly tv show brought me infinitely more joy than sitting in a class that rarely challenged me or provided me with any meaningful information. "What's the point?" is the reason I maintained a steady B+ average throughout school -- all 20 years of it! My mom always wondered what I could have done if I'd applied myself. I was too afraid of the fun and friends I might miss out on if I actually bothered to study very hard. Different priorities -- different "points." ;-)

Lately, I've been hearing a more serious "what's the point?" It comes in the midst of practicing any discipline. When the alarm goes off an hour early for a run ... when a friend calls with a juicy bit of gossip and I know I need to quell the conversation ... when that still small voice inside says it's time to turn the tv off in favor of a more constructive/edifying activity ... when the same voice calls me to assume a physical posture of prayer to reflect my spiritual condition ... when I resist the urge to give in just one more time to any number of temptations. What's the point?

While I'm sure that attitude has been buried in my heart for a long, long time, it's only recently surfaced in my conscious thoughts. And, last week, as I paused to weigh the consequences and rewards of sin and obedience, I heard it again. Only, that time, there was an answer, loud and clear. Holiness is the point. "I have been crucified with Christ, therefore I no longer live, but Christ lives in me, and the life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave Himself for me." Galatians 2:20.

It was one of those rare moments of extreme clarity. The point, the goal is Jesus - more of Him and less of me. Yes, of course, I knew that. I knew it in my head, probably could have even articulated it more eloquently than I am right now. But, I still didn't get it. It wasn't changing the way I live. You know, like finding out I might have to repeat that leadership class if I didn't start showing up changed my Gilmore Girls watching pattern. These last few days have been like finally figuring out how to turn on the flashlight I've been carrying in my purse forever. Colossians 3:17 says, "Whatever you do in word or in deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, giving thanks to God the Father through Him." I finally understand that the point, the goal, of all of my life, every decision I make -- when I rise, what I eat, what I read, how I work, what I say, what I don't say, how I play -- is always holiness, Christlikeness, an effort to proclaim the glory of God, to declare that I have a living hope, a secure future.

What's the point? The point is that life is short and the only things I get to take with me are the treasures I've stored up for myself in heaven above.

Peters says it this way, "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade—kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls."

Twenty Four and Counting

I almost skipped my quiet time with God this morning. I hit snooze a few too many times, causing me to start my run a bit late, but had such a great run, I decided to go a little longer than usual, putting me that much further behind getting ready for the day. I can't say exactly what prompted me to go ahead and sit down in my favorite chair, pull out my Bible, journal, and current study, but as I turned to a fresh blank page in my journal and began my entry by recording the date, I was so thankful I'd taken the time. Today is Monday, July 13, 2009.

Last night I received an email from a precious friend stating that she and her husband are rejoicing with the angels for Jesus had called their granddaughter's name, and she said "Yes!" I like that because twenty four years ago today, Jesus called my name, and I said "Yes!"

Sometimes, I hesitate to write posts like this one because I'm afraid it'll sound more cheesy than truly express the depth of genuine awe, wonder, and pure joy that floods my heart when I think about it. Should I just keep it to myself? Have a private celebration just between me and Jesus? Certainly, there's an element of that. There are things I whispered to the Lord from my favorite chair this morning that are for His ears alone, and the tender way that He responds through His magnificent Word is not even something I could truly tell you about if I tried with all my best words.

But, just like a regular birthday often warrants a quiet family celebration as well as a larger, more public outright party, I think this day deserves at least a public blog mention.

I've been thinking about the significance of twenty four years. Does my life look like that of a 24 year old believer should? The longer I walk with Jesus the more I realize what a beautiful metaphor exists between the physical life and the spiritual. I think that anyone walking closely with me at this time in my life would say that I very much look like a twenty four year old. There are moments of true maturity, responsiblity, and evidence of the capability to accomplish significant things in service to my King. However, there are also some serious lapses in judgement, times when I seem to slip backwards, preferring to lean more heavily on family and shun true personal responsibility, times when I act more like a young teenager than a fully grown woman.

Twenty four years sounds like a long time, and it has been. I have so many things to celebrate today. I think the greatest thing about celebrating twenty four years of life in Christ is knowing that it's still just the beginning. The words from Amazing Grace ring in my ears as I reach for words to tell you what I'm thinking right now. "When we've been there 10,000 years, bright shining as the sun, we've no less days to sing God's praise than when we've first begun." Eternity, that's what I have to look forward to with my sweet Savior.

I Corinthians 13:11-12 ... When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a (wo)man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

Jesus Wants to Get Involved

I have a frequent conversation with the Lord. It happens just about every time I come in contact with an overly needy person, often one of my clients. There are a number of things that I am more than happy to be helpful about, but then the conversation or the list of needs will bump into one of my carefully placed personal boundaries. It's usually something that leads me beyond my comfort zone, takes more time and energy than I've alloted for a given day or person, and is likely to get a little "messy" either physically or emotionally.

My preference is to avoid such things, I find myself saying, "I just don't want to get involved." And, that'd be just fine if I didn't serve a living God whose Spirit dwells in me. You see, He's never content to sit on the sidelines, and I'm not sure He believes in "boundaries." More often than not, He is the compelling voice prompting from deep within, sometimes chomping at the proverbial bit, saying, "BUT, I want to get involved, and you're my chosen vessel."

You see, Galatians 2:20 says, "I am crucified with Christ, and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me, and the life I live in the body I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave Himself for me." If the God who didn't stop short of sacrificing Himself for me wants to use me to get involved in somebody else's situation, who am I to complain? It's never simple, and it's often messy, but it's always a blessing when He takes over.

Ought Not Be

"Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be." James 3:10

I've known that verse since I was a child. But, when I was a child I didn't curse, ever. It never occurred to me to curse. Sure, I developed all kinds of pseudo-swear words and other careless ways of speaking for which I am still repenting. But, this particular verse never really bothered me back then.

On Monday, I began a new training schedule for an upcoming triathlon. I got up much earlier than usual, sweat profusely, telling the Lord how thankful I was for the health that allowed me to experience such pain. I cleaned up, dressed, and headed to work. The cd in my car was a mix of praise songs elaborating on the greatness of the Lord and the wonder of His love for His children. I was singing at the top of my lungs, reminding myself to keep my eyes open and my hands on the wheel, thinking about what a glorious week was ahead of me. About two minutes from my destination, at the height of my personal praise fest, a truck pulling an extra long trailer pulls up in the lane to my right and proceeds to push his way into my lane, nearly causing a wreck.

Without even a second's hesitation, ever foul and angry thought I'd ever had in my car came rushing to the surface, and a few of them escaped my mouth. I was angry.

As the truck/trailer sped on ahead of me, and I approached my exit, I looked up in the rear view mirror and noticed that one of my sweet coworkers was following me. And quickly, I saw the last two minutes in a whole other light. I could picture myself behind the wheel, mouth wide open, but this time, there were literally two incongruous streams of words spouting forth, and immediately I thought, "This ought not be."

"Teach me your way, O LORD, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name." Psalm 86:11

Brother Hugs

This week has been one for the record books. I will not soon forget it. An incident with a client rocked my happy little world and nearly lead to the filing of a police report. What is comical now that all has been resolved was terrifying for about 72 hours.

I am blessed to work with some wonderfully godly men and women who helped me find my way through the whole mess on a professional level, but so many times each day I found myself just wishing for a good, strong hug from one of my Christian brothers. Unfortunately, most of the ones I have counted on for such things in the past were unavailable this week, either having moved away or being out of town on business. On Wednesday night, I asked some godly women in my life to pray that God would strengthen me to do whatever was going to be required of me and that He would comfort me, even as I longed for someone with "skin on" to reinforce the message.

All day Thursday the Lord provided such incredible peace. He brought verses to mind that helped me remember that the battle was for Him to fight and I needed only to rest in Him. And, sure enough, when the resolution came, it was in a way I'd have never imagined. It was swift, decisive, and even provided some very welcome humor.

This morning, as I woke, came to work, and went about my tasks, the weight I'd been shouldering all week was gone, and I reveled in a refreshed sense of joy in my work, quickly putting all the drama behind me.
Then, about mid-morning, I received a very unexpected phone call from JJ, one of those brothers I was missing this week as he had been out of town on business. He was running some errands and realized he was near my new office and wanted to come by. By the time I returned the call to tell him to "come on over!" he was already in our parking lot. He came in, greeted me with a warm hug, and visited for a few minutes. I gave him the tour, walked him back to the parking lot, hugged him goodbye and went back to my desk. It was only after I sat down, thinking about what a pleasant surprise it was to see him today, for the first time in a couple of months, that I realized God really had heard my request for a brother-hug and sent one just as soon as He could. JJ's plane landed last night, and here he was in my office before noon this morning. How sweet of God to punctuate His love by sending a hug from someone with "skin on!"


Luke 12:6 Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. 7 Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.

On Mother's Day

In our family, my dad is the sentimental one, famous for stepping back from a gathering of family or friends and stating thoughtfully, "it'll never be exactly like this again." This morning at the breakfast table, he tried to suggest that we take turns sharing things we learned from our mothers, mine sitting right next to me. Mama and I both groaned and refused to play the game, but I've been thinking about it all day long.
My mom and I are very different people. My mom is shy, never ever one to be the center of attention. She turns clammy and trembles at the mention of having to speak in public. My mom is proper, in dress, in speech, in decorum. She works hard not to stand out. My mom never breaks the rules, and she rarely bends them. She is punctual, does everything that is expected of her, never lies, and always follows directions to the letter. My mom is extremely observant, rarely forgetting a face, catching every detail. My mom is obedient, even her mother will tell you she was a perfect child. My mom is practical. She doesn't like flowers because they cost too much and die too soon. She doesn't waste time or money or energy or words. My mom doesn't complain.
I, on the other hand ... well, you know. I mean, I blog because I have so many words all the time. I buy myself fresh flowers when it strikes my fancy. My mother would tell you I was the definition of a strong-willed child, difficult at every turn. I'm terrible with faces and only slightly better with names, and I miss the most obvious details. I push the proverbial envelope at every turn, often just to get a rise out of others, usually her. I love bright colors, and I am happiest when speaking to an audience. We are very different people.
As I was growing up, these differences were difficult for both of us. As I matured, moved out of the house, made my way through college, and headed into graduate school, we seemed to find more common ground, or at least brokered a general peace. I grew to appreciate who she was as a woman and began to understand how much I could benefit from her softer, gentler ways.
Lately, more often than not, I look in the mirror first thing in the morning and feel as though I am saying hello to her. While we may not be much alike in personality, the similarities in our appearance are undeniable. And, with each passing year, I realize that while she will always be my mom - older, wiser, more aware of the pitfalls ahead of me than I can imagine, more concerned with my welfare than I'll ever understand - she's also my friend. I love being in her home, relishing her hospitality. I love calling her in the middle of the day to tell her something outrageous, then hanging up and imagining her sitting at her desk shaking her head at me. I love to shop with her, learning to appreciate her eye for fashion and enjoying challenging her conservative choices in accessories. I love to plan meals with her. She has so much to teach me! I love to introduce her to new music, movies, and technology.
I am thankful that she taught me that my feet, my face, and my hair are worth spending money to take care of. I am thankful that she taught me that presentation matters when it comes to hospitality. I am thankful that she taught me to appreciate Christian music and sound Bible teaching while we worked around the house or ran errands on Saturdays. I am thankful that she never let me get away with dusting around the picture frames, but made sure I picked each one up. I am thankful that she stayed after me to learn better penmanship. I am thankful she encouraged and nurtured my love for reading. I am thankful she forgave me and was doggedly determined to love me through my most unlovable years. I am thankful she worked harder than she had to, so that I could experience so much of life. And, most of all, Mama, I am so thankful that you always turned the mixer off BEFORE you handed me the beaters! ;-)

In Him

Two little words are pounding in my heart and mind today. In Him.

...He is a shield for all those who take refuge in Him ... in Him, my heart trusts and I am helped ... I will hope in Him ...whoever believes in Him may have eternal life ... whoever abides in Him bears much fruit ... whoever believes in Him receives forgiveness through His name ... in Him we live and move and have our being ... whoever believes in Him will not be put to shame ... in every way you were enriched in Him, in all speech and knowledge ... for all the promises of God find their "yes" in Him ... And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together ... For in him all the fullness of God was pleased to dwell ...

I could go on and on and on!

Here's what's gripped me today. In Christ, I lack nothing. I want for nothing. But, I go around day after day, living like an incomplete person, pretending as though other things can fill me. Far too often, I live a powerless life. I wring my hands anxiously, needlessly. I've ignored who (and Whose) I really am. "In Christ, the fullness of deity dwells bodily, and you have been filled in Him who is the head of all rule and authority." (Colossians 2:9-10) What?! The fullness of deity dwells in Christ, and Christ dwells in me.

Shield! Refuge! Hope! Salvation! Redemption! Eternal Life! Forgiveness! Chosen! Inheritance!

In Him.

Early on in my CWJC career, another site coordinator talked with me about operating out of a place of peace, reminding me that our clients operate in constant panic and chaos, but it is our joy to demonstrate peace for them through Christ. This lesson can be carried out in every aspect of life in Him. While the world around us operates blindly, anxiously, hopelessly, it is our joy to introduce them to light, life, peace, hope, and power ... in Him.

I cannot even come up with a metaphor to describe the futility of squandering or denying such a vast heritage such a wealth of power at work in me. I fear that it might be like holding a sack full of bread while watching others starve or perhaps, holding a water hose yet refusing to turn on the spigot while the neighbors' house burns. It's a terrible, tragic, heartless atrocity we commit when we fail to live in Him. We are not the only ones who suffer when we choose to deny our rightful inheritance in Christ.

Okay, so I freely admit that I wrote Sunday night's post in an attempt to convince any of you who might have been worried that I really was "fine." Yes, the four-letter word, liar's kind of "fine." I felt a bit exposed after re-reading the darker post before that and seeing just how much of myself I'd really put out there. I'd always promised myself I'd try not to be uncomfortably transparent on a blog, but I guess I threw that one out the window last week.
But, something happened Sunday night as I was writing that silly post with all the sunshine. I read something this week where a man said, "depression only lets you see what it wants you to see." And, I realized that I'd been living much like that, only seeing the difficult things, never allowing the better things to penetrate my consciousness.
Now, it's Thursday. I've been a genuinely happy and joyful person -- someone most of you would actually recognize as me -- for several days now. This morning, as I talked this shift in my thinking over with the Lord, I thanked Him for it and asked Him to sustain me here. I confessed that no matter how long I might live, my days are short, and it's the genuine desire of my heart that each and every one of them be poured out for His Kingdom's purposes. I told Him how cautiously optimistic I feel about this week and how I'm counting on Him to empower me to continue to walk in the light of His grace. Then, I turned to my Bible reading for today, Isaiah 35.
I know you wouldn't believe it from listening to me the last few months, but I'm seriously not someone who cries often or easily, but when I began to read Isaiah 35, my heart began to beat faster, my breath caught in my throat, and then tears of joy trailed down my face. Oh, our sweet, sweet Savior.

The Ransomed Shall Return

The wilderness and the dry land shall be glad;
the desert shall rejoice and blossom like the crocus;
it shall blossom abundantly
and rejoice with joy and singing.
The glory of Lebanon shall be given to it,
the majesty of Carmel and Sharon.
They shall see the glory of the Lord,
the majesty of our God.
Strengthen the weak hands,
and make firm the feeble knees.
Say to those who have an anxious heart,
"Be strong; fear not!
Behold, your God will come with vengeance,
with the recompense of God.
He will come and save you."
Then the eyes of the blind shall be opened,
and the ears of the deaf unstopped;
then shall the lame man leap like a deer,
and the tongue of the mute sing for joy.
For waters break forth in the wilderness,
and streams in the desert;
the burning sand shall become a pool,
and the thirsty ground springs of water;
in the haunt of jackals, where they lie down,
the grass shall become reeds and rushes.
And a highway shall be there,
and it shall be called the Way of Holiness;
the unclean shall not pass over it.
It shall belong to those who walk on the way;
even if they are fools, they shall not go astray.
No lion shall be there,
nor shall any ravenous beast come up on it;
they shall not be found there,
but the redeemed shall walk there.
And the ransomed of the Lord shall return
and come to Zion with singing;
everlasting joy shall be upon their heads;
they shall obtain gladness and joy,
and sorrow and sighing shall flee away.

A Pocket Full of Sunshine

So, it's been mentioned that my last post was a bit "dark." I was genuinely surprised to hear that, but when I went back to read it, I could see how the "just kill me now" part might have been a little scary. I mean, you know, I get that. :-)

For the record, my intent was to share the hope that I found in God's revelation of Himself as the one who is able to keep me from stumbling, but I probably got a little too graphic sharing the bad news before I made the turn into the great news. I'm still finding that line between being real/honest about who I am and making you uncomfortable to the point that you miss my point. Never fear, though, I'll keep at it. We have many more awkward moments to look forward to together to be sure! :-D

So, tonight, as I put last week to bed and anticipate the coming week, I am looking for the sunnier side of me, the lighter, brighter, happier daughter of the King (aka: Princess!). Therefore, I will tell you about things that made me smile in the midst of it all this week.

On Monday, the man I probably quote more often than any other, the infamous John Wills, found himself in Fort Worth and made time to visit over lunch. I think I will probably need to do an entire post about John's influence in my life, but suffice it to say that there is something inherently uplifting about being told that the very mention of your name brings a smile to someone's face. I shared with my college students this morning that the best thing John Wills ever taught me was to stop beginning sentences with, "well, I think ..." and instead to be able to say, "Well, the Bible says ..."

On Tuesday, the sister God's given me here in Fort Worth, Suzanne, went into labor with her first child. Waiting in anticipation for that special delivery brought many old friends into my life that evening. I found myself chatting with Dodie, on the phone with Jason and Gera, and texting updates to Jodi all at the same time. It was joyous.

Wednesday morning, I held sweet Ashlen Jenee for the first time and was in awe of God and his miraculous promise all over again. For truly, all the days ordained for her were written in His book before even one of them had come to pass. Amazing!

Wednesday evening, I had coffee with Carrie and was blessed with a special outpouring of God's grace as we talked through scripture together. How my spirit was refreshed in the presence of my "long haul" friend.

Thursday, Brenna, my very first friend when we moved to Plano in the 7th grade, introduced me to her very own pocket full of sunshine, Hailey. What a delight to share a meal with a friend with whom I've known so much history and to see the incredible mom she's become.

Sigh, maybe this excercise is more for me than you. You don't really care what I did all week, but even in the rehearsing of these blessings, my spirit is being lifted in praise to the One who made it all possible. "Trust in the Lord and do good. Dwell in the land and feed on His faithfulness." Psalm 37:3

I mean, I haven't even told you about my trip to the parole office, lunch with Taryn, coffee with Lindsay ... !!!

Am I not constantly preaching that God gives us grace for today, not next week, or even tomorrow? I am! One friend referred to His grace for today as "manna" tonight, and I liked that a lot. Yes, this week was full of a lot of painful things, but at each and every turn, there was enough grace to carry the day and an opportunity to lay down the burden and take up the joy.

This week, I will choose to put on a garment of praise to replace the spirit of despair, and to become a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor! (Isaiah 61:1-3)

Owned

Have you ever felt completely owned by sin? Just absolutely powerless to defeat its hold on your life? Certain that freedom in Christ is God's plan for every other believer in the world, but a totally unrealistic hope for you?

I'm so sad to tell you I have. More days than not, that's the uphill battle I fight.

More times than I care to acknowledge, I've been tempted to pray, "God, just kill me now. Take me home. I'm no good to you here. I don't want to keep struggling like this. Just kill me now." And, I meant it, too. Wracked with doubt, discouragement, failure, and fear, it truly seemed better to me to just quit because I couldn't conceive of a day beyond the darkness and pain. It's a terrible place.

I shared these terrible thoughts with a friend this week, then sat back and waited for her to make me feel foolish. Instead, she graciously and compassionately looked at me and said, "yeah, I know how you feel." I was rocked. Then she said, "I have no wisdom for you, except Jude 24-25." What?! Jude? Who even knows where that is? I had to practically sing through the entire New Testament song to get there. But, when I did, here is what I found:

"Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling ..."

It was two days before I made it past that phrase. You see, if you've been reading my blog for long at all, you know that I absolutely love to talk about "He who is able to do exceedingly abundantly beyond all that we ask or imagine ..." but I have never even considered that He is able to keep me from stumbling.

That's when some things began to come into focus for me. In my struggle against sin, my prayers most often are uttered out of my own white-knuckled attempts to power my way past temptation in my own strength. I don't mean to do it. It's just that to ask for help rather than forgiveness means acknowledging my own wicked heart and the fact that most of my sinning is pre-meditated, that there is that moment before it happens that I have time to decide what I'm going to do. So, I end up praying, "God, forgive me. God, I'm sorry. God, I'll never do it again. God, just remove all temptation from my life!" (Right!) When, what I should be praying is, "Father, show me the way out of this temptation before it becomes sin that grieves your heart. God, I am clumsy, but you are able to keep me from stumbling. God, I don't know what to do but my eyes are on you."

Just last weekend, I had the privilege of walking our college students through Ephesians 1:7-8, "In Christ, we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of our tresspasses, according to his grace which he lavished on us in all wisdom and insight." You know what my favorite part of that verse is? The last part, "in all wisdom and insight." He chose me, redeemed me, forgave me, knowing full well what a mess I would be. That's incredible to me. It was no accident on His part. And, He's not sitting up in heaven regretting His sovereign choice, kicking Himself for picking me.

To him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy — to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore! Amen.

Glory

My friend Jeremy is very sick. He's at NIH this week recovering from a major surgery. I believe that his story is being written in such a way as to give God glory for many years to come, but this week, the waiting for news, the wondering, the hurting for him, his wife, his children, and extended family, it's not always easy.

I'm headed to WMU of Texas annual meeting later this week. I've come to love the WMU and to have a profound respect and fond affection for the women I get to be with through that organization. But, the troubles, the pains, and griefs, and trials of WMU of Texas have been very public over the last year. While I am looking forward to this weekend with them, I am also heavy-hearted, praying fervently that the Lord would intervene on our behalf as we gather together, that somehow, He would take the broken pieces and make something beautiful.

Those are just two of the reasons "Glory" by Selah and Nichole Nordeman has been my repeat song of the day,

One day eyes that are blind will see you clearly
And one day all who deny will finally believe
One day hearts made of stone will break in pieces
And one day chains once unbroken will fall down at your feet
So we wait for that one day come quickly

We want to see your Glory
Every knee falls down before thee
Every tongue offers you praise
With every hand raised
Singing Glory
To you and unto you only
We'll sing Glory to Your name

One day voices that lie will all be silent
One day all that's divided will be whole again
One day death will retreat and wave it's white flag
One day love will defeat the strongest enemy
So we wait for that one day come quickly

We know not the day or the hour
Or the moments in between
But we know the end of the story
When we'll see

Spiritual Dehydration

I was lazy with my morning routine this week. I slept as long as I possibly could, raced to make myself presentable, then rushed to my first appointment each day. I skipped any "unessential" steps, including my morning devotional time with the Lord.

Yesterday, I was watching a Discovery Channel special about some guys on a hiking trip in the Grand Canyon that ran out of water. As the program narrator began describing the effects of dehydration on the physical body, I began thinking about spiritual dehydration, the effects of extended periods of time without spiritual nourishment, Living Water.

Early on, the effects of dehydration may or may not be noticeable. The first one is thrist. Your body notices it's gone without water and is in need. When I skip my morning time with the Lord, there's often something inside my spirit about mid-day that seems to whisper, "a few quiet moments with Jesus sure would be nice right about now." Another early effect of dehydration is fatigue and/or weakness. It's subtle at first. Spiritually, when I've gone without Living Water, instead of praying I find myself thinking things like, "I probably should pray about that ..." but often lacking the mental fortitude to actually do the work of praying.

As time passes without water, the effects of physical dehydration become more pronounced, just like the effects of spiritual dehydration. Not to be too graphic, but one of the symptoms of increasing dehydration is "reduced outputs." I believe that can easily be translated into the spiritual analogy as well. Without daily time spent meditating on Scripture and hearing from the Lord, the well from which I give and serve those around me soon runs dry and my life bears very little fruit.

In the final stages of physical dehydration, one experiences dim vision and confusion. Sad to say, this is what caught my attention as I was watching the program on the Discovery Channel yesterday. I was aware that I hadn't spent my regular time with the Lord in a number of days, but I had not yet connected the fact that I was having difficulty seeing and thinking clearly about things to the fact that I had not sought out His perspective. The further I get away from sitting at the Master's feet, the less I think on the things that are True and see clearly from an eternal mindset. My vision is dim and my thoughts are confused.

I once heard it said that if you skip your time with the Lord one day, He'll notice. If you skip it two days, you'll notice. Skip it three days, and everyone will notice!

What was even more amazing to me was listening to the survivors talk about finally getting to water and describing the sensation of literally having their bodies rehydrate, soaking in that precious, life-giving liquid. This morning, as I sat in my quiet place with God's Word in my hand and began studying what He had for me, what I'd been missing all week long, it truly was like taking a long, satisfying gulp of water to my soul. My thoughts began to move quickly through the possibilities of His plans for me. My spirit was lifted so that I was singing as I went about my day. And, I had something to say, something I wanted to share with others around me.

Just Passing Through

Recently, my attention has been drawn time and time again to the fact that this life is temporary. I've been more or less camped out in II Corinthians 4 and 5. I find myself pulling my Bible out time and time again to read it just one more time, to make sure this life really isn't the whole story. You see, all around me this week, people are hurting.

This week, I'll attend another funeral for a family member, the third one this year. This week, a sweet six year old lays in a hospital bed, waiting to find out why her kidney is three times its normal size. This week, a strong 18 year old athlete battles for his life against an aggressive cancer. This week, a 57 year old man battles viral meningitis, and both of his pregnant daughters pray he lives to know his grandchildren.

And these are just the situations touching people I love. So you can imagine why I need to know that this is not the end. This isn't the whole story. There's got to be more.

"But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves; we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despairing; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying around in the body the dying of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body."

In the 1990's, there was a catchy youth camp song based on that passage with a chorus that went, "Yes, Lord; Yes, Lord; Yes, yes, Lord!" We'd all bop our heads and laugh and sing along, sometimes almost shouting. Today, I sit quietly, reading over and over again as the weight of the passage washes over me.

We are afflicted, perplexed, persecuted, struck down, always carrying death around with us ...

That's the part I get. I understand. I identify. I feel. I experience. I know.

But that's just the beginning. That's not the end. It's not even the point. All of it is achieving a much larger purpose in my life, in the lives of those suffering directly, and in the lives of those standing by watching.

"For all things are for your sakes, so that the grace which is spreading to more and more people may cause the giving of thanks to abound to the glory of God. Therefore we do not lose heart, but through our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison."

It's really easy for me to smile and tell someone that my life is all for the glory of God when the proverbial sun is shining. I mean, after all, I am, "an oak of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor." But what about when I'm crushed and perplexed and afflicted and struck down? Where's the glory then? That's when the glory is in my favorite word: Hope, "looking not at the things which are seen but at the things which are not seen; for the things that are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal."

Evidently, God purposefully allows us to be uncomfortable on this earth, something about wanting us to long for more, to long for our home with Him. Can you believe that?

"For we know that if the earthly tent which is our house is torn down, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens ... For indeed, while we are in this tent, we groan, being burdened because we do not want to be unclothed but to be clothed, so that what is mortal will be swallowed up by life."

So, this trouble all around me, in the lives of faithful believers, is able to accomplish at least two things. One, a dying world may see and believe. When staring death in the face, we want nothing more than to know that it's not the end. For the believer, there is a far better future on the other side of the grave. Two, we are reminded that this is not our permanent home. Whether we're here 6 years or 99, it's all temporary, light and momentary. And the pain of this world only serves to make us long for the next.

"For if we are beside ourselves, it is for God; if we are of sound mind, it is for you. For the love of Christ controls us, having concluded this, that one died for all, therefore all died,; and he died for all, so that they who live might no longer live for themselves, but for Him who died and rose again on their behalf."

What? You're Not a Mind Reader?

Today, I found myself extremely annoyed and frustrated by a situation that was more or less all my own fault. I'm fairly certain that more often than not, I expect people around me to be mind readers. I assume they know what I'm thinking, are on board with my logic, and will act accordingly. As you can imagine, this rarely happens. Rarely. As I paused to analyze my own frustration, I asked myself what it was that I expected the source of my frustration to do differently. And, I realized, it all boiled down to the fact that I was annoyed that another person didn't intuitively know information I'd never given her. It seemed so silly, but even recognizing how ridiculous I was being didn't completely calm me down because the reality is I still don't want to change. I don't want to adjust my communication patterns or habits. I want others to change. I want them to develop a supernatural ability to read my mind. Is that really too much to ask? :-/

An Interesting Week in Heaven

My Uncle Butch died peacefully last Wednesday evening. Shortly after Cousin Sylvia stood beside his bed and sang "I'll Fly Away," he slipped into the presence of the Lord. I've been wanting to say something about this for over a week now, but I haven't been exactly sure what to say. As you know from some of my previous posts, Uncle Butch was a larger than life character. We rehashed old stories and even told some new ones when we gathered for his burial earlier this week. Some of my favorites include:

The way he used to make my mom ride in the floorboard of his car when they were in high school because he didn't want other girls who might pull up next to him to think he had another chick in the car with him. This went on until Mimi pulled up next to them one day and asked him where his sister was, and Mom popped up smiling and said "here I am!"

There was the time Mimi was on her way home to punish all three siblings for misbehaving, but right before she got there, Butch his his head on a kitchen cabinet hard enough that it bled. When my mom tried to help him, he told her to leave him there, Mimi would feel sorry for him and forget she was mad a them. An hour later, cleaned up, and sitting at an ice cream parlor, he winked at my mom and said, "told ya so!"

And, then there was the night he borrowed Pappy's car for a date, and stayed out past curfew. He knew Pappy needed the car to get to work for his overnight shift, but once he knew he'd missed the deadline and was going to be in trouble, he decided to stay out all night and just have fun. Mimi tracked him down at his date's house watching movies with another couple at 2:00 a.m.!

Somehow, knowing all these stories and so many more, it seems fitting to me that my last phone call from Uncle Butch came just a week or so before his death. Up to the point that he got too weak to dial the phone, he'd been calling every other day or so just to tell me he loved me. I admit, there were times I wasn't sure I had time to answer the phone, but I was always afraid I'd miss his last call. Sure enough, I was sitting on the couch one afternoon at home, and he called. Our conversation went something like this:

Me: Hello, what are you doing?
B: Who's this?
Me: You're favorite niece, Kristi, of course! (Sorry, Addie, Tiff, and Ava :-P)
B: Oh, I called the wrong person.
Me: (laughing) Well, good to talk to you, too.
B: Yeah, well, I love ya, bye.
Click. Silence. That was just his way.

I had a lot of valid disagreements with Uncle Butch when it came to politics and theology over the years, but in the days before his death, Uncle Tracey reported that he became very serious, made peace with many of the people he'd had contentions with, and told Tracey, "I'm ready to see Jesus." Through all of our laughter and tears ("Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion!"), I keep thinking, "I bet it's been an interesting week in Heaven."

I Thessalonians 4:13 Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. 14 We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. 15 According to the Lord's own word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left till the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. 16 For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. 17 After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. 18 Therefore encourage each other with these words.

My Rock and My Refuge

I love you, O LORD, my strength. The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer,
my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. I call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praised, and I am saved from my enemies. Psalm 18:1-2

The problem with treating God like a polite acquaintance rather than the loving Father that He is becomes glaringly obvious to me when I read a passage like this one. This last week was not an easy one. I experienced loss and grief, fear, and disappointment. Thursday morning, as I woke, still processing Uncle Butch's death the night before, God who is rich in mercy and abounding in love allowed me to crawl into the place I meet with Him, open His Word, written to show me who He is in times like these, and read Psalm 18:1-2. Who is He?

My strength, so good to know when I am very, very weak.
My rock. This always makes me picture one of those giant boulders in some National Park that people go up and push against and take pictures with as though they're holding it up, when in reality, they could push with all their might and that massive rock isn't going to budge. There is great comfort for me in knowing that no matter how hard I push against My Rock, He does not move. He stands, unchanging, constant.
My fortress, a place of protection and defense in the midst of a raging battle.
My deliverer. I am free. I am free to experience all that life has for me, knowing that I am slave to none of it. He has set me free.
My refuge, shelter in the storm, a safe place.
My shield, my first line of defense, extinguishing the flaming arrows of my enemies.
My horn of salvation, trumpeting victory before the battles even get started.
My stronghold. When discussing sin, a stronghold is a negative thing, the place that Satan seems to have the advantage in our lives, but when talking about God, this is the best news possible. He's got me, and He will never let go.

No Shortcuts

I am the queen of shortcuts. If there's a way to do it faster, more efficiently, I wanna find it. I do not believe in wasting time. If I can multi-task, I'm gonna. If I can carry it in one trip, you'd better believe I'm not making two. Some people say it's because I'm a hard worker, but really, it's because I like free time. I like being able to play on the computer, or veg in front of NCIS reruns, or enjoy a spontaneous night of fun with friends. But, those things are really only enjoyable when I know my work is done.

The problem with this overall attitude toward life comes in to play when whenever a matter requires discipline. There are no shortcuts for sound discipline in life. There are no shortcuts to a healthy body. There are no shortcuts to a well-fed mind. There are no shortcuts to a life of integrity. There are no shortcuts to a Spirit-filled life. We must do the work to gain the prize.

This week, our church studied Ezra 3, and the story of the laying of the foundation for the rebuilding of the temple, and I was reminded of a vision the Lord gave me several years ago. It was during a season of great loss in my life. I had experienced loss through death, loss through broken relationship, and loss through physical distance over and over again in the span of a few short months. My spirit felt stripped and barren. During that time, I was lying in bed, working on the courage to face that day, when the Lord painted a picture for me of a foundation slab. Cold. Gray. Boring. Straight. Solid. Firm. Unshakable.

It was as though He was showing me that He had to strip my life down to the barest essentials, show me how solid my foundation in Him was, so that He could begin building other things into my life atop that. Last week, someone was talking to me about ways that we, as humans, tend to hide from the things we'd rather not face. She listed shopping, eating, busyness, work, etc. And, somewhere in the middle of all that she listed "religion." I think I know what she meant, but everything in my cried out against that at the same time. You see, I confess, I've been known to treat myself to a little retail therapy or brownie therapy, to book my calendar in such a way that there wasn't time to think about anything that might hurt, or to lose myself in work in such a way that made me unavailable to others. But, what she called "religion," my relationship with Jesus Christ, is no game. When all else is stripped away, He remains, faithful. I have searched the depths and found Him there.

All of those other things, those are shortcuts. And, every so often, because of His great love for me, He blows through my life with gale force, sweeping away anything not securely fastened to that Foundation. Sometimes, there's very little left. Oh, but even in those times, He is enough.

In this new season of my life, a new year, a new decade of life, the seeds of a new ministry being planted in my heart, I am increasingly committed to not taking shortcuts. As I build, I want to do it slowly, carefully, making sure that every structure is securely fastened to my immutable Savior.

The Love Mix

In honor of Valentine's Day, I thought I'd share with you some of my favorite "love" songs ...

Loving You, Loving Me - Dave Barnes
What If I Loved You - Joey Gian
Love Love - Brett Younker
Never Been Unloved (Bruce's Song) - Michael W. Smith
Unfailing Love - Chris Tomlin
But I Do Love You - Leanne Rimes
Bold As Love - John Mayer
How Sweet It Is (To Be Loved By You) - James Taylor
Love You Out Loud - Rascal Flatts
Lead of Love - Caedmon's Call
We Love You, Jesus (Acoustic Version) - Shane and Shane
Your Love Is Extravagant - Darrell Evans

Memories!

So, I've already reached an age when it seems like taking a trip down memory lane to get together with long lost college friends. But, last night, I had the opportunity to reach even further back in my personal history and sit down to dinner with long, lost high school friends!
Thanks to the magic of facebook, I have recently reconnected with a sweet friend from my past, and last night was what I hope turns out to be the first of many opportunities to reconnect.
Some of my earliest happy memories of life in Plano start with Brenna and Lauren. Throughout junior high and high school, these were the girls who were with me for every major event, and all of the minor ones, too ... camps, cars, crushes, d-nows, dances, choir tours, sleep overs ... all of the highs and lows the teen years had to offer!
Last night was like having the opportunity to peer backwards in time. Laughter, facial expressions, catch phrases all came rushing back. Names and events I hadn't thought about in years were suddenly on the tip of my tongue. So much has changed, but so many things have stayed the same.

Life By the Lyrics

"To starve is to feast/Less of me is more of Jesus" I Want It All, Shane and Shane

"All of my life/In every season/You are still God/I have a reason to sing/I have a reason to worship" Desert Song, Hillsong

"I'm haunted by my God/ who has the right/ to ask me, what/ by the nature of my rebellion/ I cannot give/So, I beg for You to move/I beg for you to move/I beg for you to break through" Beg, Shane and Shane

"He is a hurricane/I am a tree/Bent by His wind and His mercy" How He Loves Us, Kim Walker

"You love all of who I am with all of who You are" - You Are Good, Jenny Riddle

"If you say go, we will go. If you say stay, we will stay. If you say step out on the water, and they say it can't be done, we'll fix our eyes on you and we will come!" If You Say Go, Vineyard

"You come as You are/I come as I am/And grace covers shame" You Come As You Are, Watermark

"I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way that you love me, oh how you love me!" How He Loves Us, Kim Walker

When I was in college, my friends and I used to play a game called "youth group" during which we'd hold up pretend microphones and go around the circle making up very cliche fake "testimonies" as though it were the last night of youth camp. Most of us had grown up in typical churches and we all shared similar stories of such events. We'd follow that up with "prayer request" and start making up terrible fake prayer requests about great-aunt Bertha's fungus on her third toe and Suzy's sister-in-law's uncle who has a sick dog, etc. I'm not gonna lie, it was funny, and it still makes me laugh when I think about it.

But, I think it also gave me a complex about sharing prayer requests. Recently, I had something really heavy on my heart, effecting many people I love, but I hesitated to tell others about it because I didn't want to seem too needy. You see, lately, it seems like I've had an inordinate number of prayer requests for myself or those near me. As I was thinking about some of those things this morning and wondering how to share and with whom to share, I told the Lord that I didn't want to sound needy. And, y'all, like only He can, the response was immediate, "But, Kristen, you ARE needy." Where I got the idea that I wasn't in need or that it was wrong for me to be in need, I'll never know.

In need of grace, in need of love,
In need of mercy raining down from high above,
In need of strength, in need of peace,
In need of things that only You can give to me.
In need of Christ, the perfect Lamb, my refuge strong, The Great I Am.
This is my song, my humble plea; I am Your child, I am in need.

In Need by Ross King

Lyrically Speaking

"You love all who I am with all of who You are ..." - So Good, Jennie Riddle

"He is jealous for me/Loves like a hurricane - I am a tree/Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy ... I don't have time to maintain these regrets/when I think about the way that he loves us ..." - How He Loves Us, John Mark McMillan

"His mercy hovers like a cloud never raining dry ..." 145, Jolly Napier

"All of my life/In every season/You are still God/I have a reason to sing/I have a reason to worship ..." Desert Song, Hillsong

"Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades ... Let justice and praise become my embrace ..." From the Inside Out, Hillsong

"I am empty/You are holy/Come and fill my soul with Who you are ..." A Loss for Words, Charles Billingsley

"There are so few words that never grow old ... Jesus! Jesus! Jesus!" O,For a Thousand Tongues to Sing, David Crowder

"Your will above all else/my purpose remains/The art of losing myself in bringing you praise ..." From the Inside Out, Hillsong

I Don't Believe In Coincidence

Sometimes, I wish I did. But, I don't. I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in a Sovereign God whose hand touches every detail of life. I believe that I was created with purpose, and that God never wastes a thing that comes into my life but uses all things to bring glory for Himself and good for me. I've believed that for some time now, but recently, this belief has been at the forefront of my thinking more than ever.

Lately, I've been in a slump. I told you I believed I was losing my mind. Some days, just getting out of bed is like fighting an uphill battle. Other days, keeping a string of coherent thoughts running together just seems impossible. And, frequently, I resort to a good old fashioned bout of tears to deal with whatever seems like more than I can handle. There's no simple explanation or straightforward answer to these things, but I am working through them.

This problem is not what I want to write about, though. It's the way God's been working in the midst of it that has stopped me in my tracks today. It's the way He continues to move and speak and make Himself known that makes me stand in awe.

You see, in the middle of what feels like chaos, there's a growing list of friends who've contacted me out of the blue just to check in, telling me I've been weighing heavier in their thoughts than normal and they've been praying for me more specifically.

On Sunday afternoons, there's this very random assortment of women who come together for discipleship. When I prayed four months ago that God would put us together however He saw fit, I couldn't have known that I'd need exactly what each of them brings to that table. I couldn't have known I'd need someone who's been through this valley or someone who'd joyfully pray daily or someone who'd call just to see where I was or someone who'd speak wisdom with every utterance.

He knew, though. He saw what I couldn't see coming.

He knew before I could have that when I accepted teaching opportunities, I'd need the lessons as much if not more than those listening. He knew I'd need to meet "The God Who Sees" and "The God Who Fights For Me" in a specific way this week.

He knew, even when I wasn't sure I had time for it, that I'd need a weekend away with relatively new friends to laugh out loud, to share the burdens of my heart, and to learn new songs with which to praise Him.

And, He knew every time He gave me the grace to walk another step with a hurting friend, that those sweet ones would be exactly who I needed to walk with me now and that He'd give them the grace to take another step with me today.

"In his heart, a man plans his way, but the LORD directs his steps." Proverbs 16:9

Losing My Mind

Lately, I've felt more than a little crazy. I say that seriously, and I'm working through it, but sometimes, the things that happen are just too funny. I haven't decided how much I'll really blog about the things that are more serious, but I figure if I'm going to go crazy, we might as well all have a little fun with it. ;-)
One of the things I've noticed is that I misplace things like my keys and/or cell phone DAILY. It's so annoying. This morning, however, was even more comical. I misplaced a pot of coffee. Not really, of course, but I was so very confused. I got up, set set the coffee to brew, turned it on and went about my morning routine.
Half an hour later, my stomach rumbled, and I went to find some breakfast. I walked into the kitchen, grabbed a banana, stuck a bagel in the toaster, then pulled out a coffee mug. That's when I noticed -- the coffee pot was nearly empty! I looked inside the well, and the water was gone from it, the grounds were wet as though it had all flowed through, but there was almost no coffee in the pot. About the time I was deciding to start a fresh pot so I could watch to see what the matter was, I remembered the very full travel mug I'd filled and carried back to my office right after the pot had finished brewing. Genius! I had to laugh at myself, but goodness, that's aggravating. :-)

Living On the Third Day

Every now and then a song catches me by surprise, captures my attention, my imagination -- gets me fired up. Today, as I rounded the corner on my way home, my radio was turned down low, but suddenly I was aware of the lyrics being sung:

On the third day, behold the King!
On the third day, death has no sting!
On the third day, we're forgiven and reconciled!

Today was one of those days I woke up a little fired up. I'm not sure why, but after spending time with the Lord this morning, I just felt a heightened sense of His magnificence in every aspect of my life and the world in general. I've written before that sometimes His majesty just overwhelms me. It was kind of like that.

On Sunday, my discipleship group had a discussion about "praying on our spiritual armor." Our pastor has often encouraged us to do this, so as we began a six-week emphasis on spiritual warfare, I asked how many of them actually make a habit of praying on their armor. Rather quickly, someone said, "I don't. I don't pray it on because I never take it off!" I've been chewing on that ever since. The helmet of salvation. The breastplate of Christ's righteousness. The belt of God's Truth. These are items in which I am meant to live, not put on and take off at will.

Then, this afternoon, those lyrics, "On the third day death has no sting! On the third day we're forgiven and reconciled!" And, I realized why I was so moved. Entirely too often, I fail to really live, walk, ABIDE in this Truth. It's the third day. Death has no sting. Nothing separates me from God's love. I can enter the Holy Place and find mercy. I am FREE.

I am crucified with Christ, and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. And, the life I live in the flesh, I live by faith in the One who loved me and gave Himself for me. Galatians 2:20

Day Three.

More Lessons from Hagar

It occurs to me that I should just save all of this until after I've taught this lesson, but sometimes the wonder of God's truth is just too great to not share right away.
So, just to recap, in Genesis 16 we meet Hagar, the mistreated maidservant of Sarah, the wife of Abraham. She's pregnant with Abe's baby because Sarah thought that'd be a good idea. Only, once Hagar was pregnant, Sarah was more than a little uncomfortable with the situation and Hagar was more than a little taunting toward her mistress. Eventually, the whole situation becomes too much to handle and Hagar flees. She's a fugitive in the desert, pregnant, alone, and a long way from her home in Egypt. Then, an amazing thing happens. God comes to her.
Hagar tells Him her plight, then He tells her what to do. Two commands. Go back ... and submit. Ouch! I'm thinking this is probably not what she wanted to hear in that moment. But, this is where the lesson gets good. There was grace in those commands.
First of all, to whom was He sending Hagar back? To Abraham's people, God's chosen, the blessed ones. Hagar was a foreigner, from a people who did not worship the True and Living God. By sending her back to Abraham and Sarah, God was placing her in the protection of His people. Secondly, He told her to submit. Submit to an unfair situation? Submit to carrying the child of a man who used her and a woman who plans to take it from her? Really? Submit? But, there's more. The Lord tells her a little bit about the baby she's carrying. As the child of Abraham, he's to be included in the promise. Submit, let Abraham claim the child, for he will have descendents too numerous to count. "El Roi" could see the things Hagar could not.
Ahh! Do you ever find things in scripture you just wish were not there? Grace in a command like "go back and submit"! Think of it. How often do I sense the Lord's command in my life, but ignore it because it just seems too far-fetched to be accurate.? Surely that's not what He meant to say. Surely I didn't hear that correctly. Surely "El Roi" the God who sees everything, even invisible women hiding in deserts, wouldn't ask me to go back to that difficult situation and submit myself to an unfair authority. Would He?
Perhaps I would do well to remember that the everything He sees includes the things I cannot see.

You Gotta Hear This!

I frequently ask others for music download suggestions. Now, I'm publishing mine. If I could make you a Mix CD, this is what would be on it ...

Albertine by Brooke Fraser
Beautiful, Scandalous Night by Roby Seay Band
Desert Song by Hillsong
Faithful God by Shannon Wexelberg
Fringes by Shane and Shane
Glorious Day by Jeff Johnson
Hallelujah by Bethany Dillon
He's Always Been Faithful by Sara Groves
Hello Lord by Sara Groves
Jesus Paid It All by Kristian Stanfill
Let It Be Said of Us by Elijah Thomson
A Loss for Words by Charles Billingsley
The Maker of Noses by Rich Mullins
Never Underestimate My Jesus by Relient K
O For a Thousand Tongues to Sing by David Crowder Band
Revelation Song by Christ for the Nations Institute
Thankful by Josh Groban
This Is Our God by Chris Tomlin
What Do I Know of Holy by Addison Road
Worth It All by Rita Springer
You Are Good by Point of Grace
You Are My Treasure by Chris Tomlin

Influences

It seems like the conversation's been coming up more and more lately about books (other than Scripture) that have influenced me. First, you should know that absolutely nothing has been more influential and powerful in my life and personal spiritual growth than consistent time spent studying the Bible itself, learning what God has to say about Himself, his character, his promises, his plans. If you haven't already, start there.

But, as for other reading, I'm always a bit intimidated by this question because my list is more than a little eclectic, and not nearly as "deep" as I think it should be. But, for better or worse, here's my list - in no particular order!

The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning ... I read this book for the first time in college, and it revolutionized my understanding of grace. I desperately needed that.

The Velveteen Woman by Brenda Waggoner ... I happened across this on early on in seminary, and it made me crave and strive for authenticity in all of my relationships with others.

You're God is Too Safe by Mark Buchanan ... The chapter on prayer left an indelible impression that continues to spur me on in intercession.

The Life You've Always Wanted by John Ortberg ... This is a book about spiritual disciplines for everyday people, and it was the impetus for much creativity in my personal life as well as public ministry.

God's Heart for the Nations by Jeff Lewis ... I still shake my head in wonder as I think of how my mind and heart swelled with the fresh understanding of God's passion for His Name and His Glory to be exalted in every people.

Believing God by Beth Moore ... If you are going to choose one of these to read for yourself, choose this one.

Sophie's Heart by Lori Wick ... This is a novel, a Christian fiction romance, but it contains a great scene in which one of the characters confesses his penchant toward jealousy and how it messes up his best intentions. I love the listener's response. She says, "I'm so glad jealousy is a sin." She goes on to explain that if he'd sat her down to tell her he had a deadly disease, there may be no cure, but because his problem was a sin, they have a Solution, a Savior who died for that. The rest of the story is good, but that scene was powerful for me.

Crazy Love by Francis Chan ... I liked this one because it left me with no excuses, no easy outs for living as a Christ-follower. Being radically, all out, sold out to Jesus is just plain biblical.

And the Word Came with Power by Joanne Shelter ... a powerful true story about the transformation of a remote people group introduced to Scripture in their own language.

I bet you're a little disappointed in my list, huh? Told you it wasn't much of one! As you can probably tell, most of these are books I read a number of years ago. I haven't stopped reading, but I think it takes some time to see what's going to stick with me, so I didn't include much from my recent reads. Something I've learned about myself is that I love stories, especially true ones; I learn well from them. I like to see faith played out. I'd be remiss if I didn't at least mention The Hiding Place by Corrie Ten Boom and Facing Terror by Carrie McDonnall.

Here We Go Again

I absolutely love fresh starts. It's why, despite my best efforts, I can't hate Mondays. It's why I love brand new journals. I keep two or three blank journals on my shelf at a time, and I've been known to drop one and start fresh when the need arises. And, every January 1st, I get a great, big fresh start with a brand new year. It's as though a giant calendar lies before me waiting to schedule memorable moments, and a giant journal lies open before me waiting to record them.

I've been thinking a lot about writing a 2008 Reflection post before I plunge headlong into 2009. I've toyed with a "Top 10" idea, listing the things that will always draw my mind back to the last 12 months. I've thought about a list of songs or verses or books that have heavily influenced me in the last 12 months. I'm still thinking about it. But, in the meantime, it's January 2nd and 2009 is moving ahead at full speed.

This morning, I was waking up rather slowly, contemplating today's post, and two things kept coming to mind. First, I had to write about fresh starts. I couldn't describe my state of mind without telling you how much I love them and encouraging you to grab hold of this one. Second, as I contemplated whether or not to write the 2008 reflection post, the theme verse I've adopted for Mariposa Ministries kept popping up in my thoughts. "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs up, will you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert, a stream in the wilderness." Isaiah 43:18-19 Perhaps, I dare not spend so much time revelling in the things of 2008 that I fail to eagerly anticipate the joys of 2009.

How can I be so sure that 2009 will be a year of blessing? (pause while the song "Every Day With Jesus is Sweeter Than the Day Before" finishes playing through my head) Psalm 16:11 says, "You will show me the path of life; in your presence is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore." I can be sure because joy is found in Jesus, and I am planning to fill this year with as much of Him as I can possibly get!