Okay, so I freely admit that I wrote Sunday night's post in an attempt to convince any of you who might have been worried that I really was "fine." Yes, the four-letter word, liar's kind of "fine." I felt a bit exposed after re-reading the darker post before that and seeing just how much of myself I'd really put out there. I'd always promised myself I'd try not to be uncomfortably transparent on a blog, but I guess I threw that one out the window last week.
But, something happened Sunday night as I was writing that silly post with all the sunshine. I read something this week where a man said, "depression only lets you see what it wants you to see." And, I realized that I'd been living much like that, only seeing the difficult things, never allowing the better things to penetrate my consciousness.
Now, it's Thursday. I've been a genuinely happy and joyful person -- someone most of you would actually recognize as me -- for several days now. This morning, as I talked this shift in my thinking over with the Lord, I thanked Him for it and asked Him to sustain me here. I confessed that no matter how long I might live, my days are short, and it's the genuine desire of my heart that each and every one of them be poured out for His Kingdom's purposes. I told Him how cautiously optimistic I feel about this week and how I'm counting on Him to empower me to continue to walk in the light of His grace. Then, I turned to my Bible reading for today, Isaiah 35.
I know you wouldn't believe it from listening to me the last few months, but I'm seriously not someone who cries often or easily, but when I began to read Isaiah 35, my heart began to beat faster, my breath caught in my throat, and then tears of joy trailed down my face. Oh, our sweet, sweet Savior.

The Ransomed Shall Return

The wilderness and the dry land shall be glad;
the desert shall rejoice and blossom like the crocus;
it shall blossom abundantly
and rejoice with joy and singing.
The glory of Lebanon shall be given to it,
the majesty of Carmel and Sharon.
They shall see the glory of the Lord,
the majesty of our God.
Strengthen the weak hands,
and make firm the feeble knees.
Say to those who have an anxious heart,
"Be strong; fear not!
Behold, your God will come with vengeance,
with the recompense of God.
He will come and save you."
Then the eyes of the blind shall be opened,
and the ears of the deaf unstopped;
then shall the lame man leap like a deer,
and the tongue of the mute sing for joy.
For waters break forth in the wilderness,
and streams in the desert;
the burning sand shall become a pool,
and the thirsty ground springs of water;
in the haunt of jackals, where they lie down,
the grass shall become reeds and rushes.
And a highway shall be there,
and it shall be called the Way of Holiness;
the unclean shall not pass over it.
It shall belong to those who walk on the way;
even if they are fools, they shall not go astray.
No lion shall be there,
nor shall any ravenous beast come up on it;
they shall not be found there,
but the redeemed shall walk there.
And the ransomed of the Lord shall return
and come to Zion with singing;
everlasting joy shall be upon their heads;
they shall obtain gladness and joy,
and sorrow and sighing shall flee away.

A Pocket Full of Sunshine

So, it's been mentioned that my last post was a bit "dark." I was genuinely surprised to hear that, but when I went back to read it, I could see how the "just kill me now" part might have been a little scary. I mean, you know, I get that. :-)

For the record, my intent was to share the hope that I found in God's revelation of Himself as the one who is able to keep me from stumbling, but I probably got a little too graphic sharing the bad news before I made the turn into the great news. I'm still finding that line between being real/honest about who I am and making you uncomfortable to the point that you miss my point. Never fear, though, I'll keep at it. We have many more awkward moments to look forward to together to be sure! :-D

So, tonight, as I put last week to bed and anticipate the coming week, I am looking for the sunnier side of me, the lighter, brighter, happier daughter of the King (aka: Princess!). Therefore, I will tell you about things that made me smile in the midst of it all this week.

On Monday, the man I probably quote more often than any other, the infamous John Wills, found himself in Fort Worth and made time to visit over lunch. I think I will probably need to do an entire post about John's influence in my life, but suffice it to say that there is something inherently uplifting about being told that the very mention of your name brings a smile to someone's face. I shared with my college students this morning that the best thing John Wills ever taught me was to stop beginning sentences with, "well, I think ..." and instead to be able to say, "Well, the Bible says ..."

On Tuesday, the sister God's given me here in Fort Worth, Suzanne, went into labor with her first child. Waiting in anticipation for that special delivery brought many old friends into my life that evening. I found myself chatting with Dodie, on the phone with Jason and Gera, and texting updates to Jodi all at the same time. It was joyous.

Wednesday morning, I held sweet Ashlen Jenee for the first time and was in awe of God and his miraculous promise all over again. For truly, all the days ordained for her were written in His book before even one of them had come to pass. Amazing!

Wednesday evening, I had coffee with Carrie and was blessed with a special outpouring of God's grace as we talked through scripture together. How my spirit was refreshed in the presence of my "long haul" friend.

Thursday, Brenna, my very first friend when we moved to Plano in the 7th grade, introduced me to her very own pocket full of sunshine, Hailey. What a delight to share a meal with a friend with whom I've known so much history and to see the incredible mom she's become.

Sigh, maybe this excercise is more for me than you. You don't really care what I did all week, but even in the rehearsing of these blessings, my spirit is being lifted in praise to the One who made it all possible. "Trust in the Lord and do good. Dwell in the land and feed on His faithfulness." Psalm 37:3

I mean, I haven't even told you about my trip to the parole office, lunch with Taryn, coffee with Lindsay ... !!!

Am I not constantly preaching that God gives us grace for today, not next week, or even tomorrow? I am! One friend referred to His grace for today as "manna" tonight, and I liked that a lot. Yes, this week was full of a lot of painful things, but at each and every turn, there was enough grace to carry the day and an opportunity to lay down the burden and take up the joy.

This week, I will choose to put on a garment of praise to replace the spirit of despair, and to become a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor! (Isaiah 61:1-3)

Owned

Have you ever felt completely owned by sin? Just absolutely powerless to defeat its hold on your life? Certain that freedom in Christ is God's plan for every other believer in the world, but a totally unrealistic hope for you?

I'm so sad to tell you I have. More days than not, that's the uphill battle I fight.

More times than I care to acknowledge, I've been tempted to pray, "God, just kill me now. Take me home. I'm no good to you here. I don't want to keep struggling like this. Just kill me now." And, I meant it, too. Wracked with doubt, discouragement, failure, and fear, it truly seemed better to me to just quit because I couldn't conceive of a day beyond the darkness and pain. It's a terrible place.

I shared these terrible thoughts with a friend this week, then sat back and waited for her to make me feel foolish. Instead, she graciously and compassionately looked at me and said, "yeah, I know how you feel." I was rocked. Then she said, "I have no wisdom for you, except Jude 24-25." What?! Jude? Who even knows where that is? I had to practically sing through the entire New Testament song to get there. But, when I did, here is what I found:

"Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling ..."

It was two days before I made it past that phrase. You see, if you've been reading my blog for long at all, you know that I absolutely love to talk about "He who is able to do exceedingly abundantly beyond all that we ask or imagine ..." but I have never even considered that He is able to keep me from stumbling.

That's when some things began to come into focus for me. In my struggle against sin, my prayers most often are uttered out of my own white-knuckled attempts to power my way past temptation in my own strength. I don't mean to do it. It's just that to ask for help rather than forgiveness means acknowledging my own wicked heart and the fact that most of my sinning is pre-meditated, that there is that moment before it happens that I have time to decide what I'm going to do. So, I end up praying, "God, forgive me. God, I'm sorry. God, I'll never do it again. God, just remove all temptation from my life!" (Right!) When, what I should be praying is, "Father, show me the way out of this temptation before it becomes sin that grieves your heart. God, I am clumsy, but you are able to keep me from stumbling. God, I don't know what to do but my eyes are on you."

Just last weekend, I had the privilege of walking our college students through Ephesians 1:7-8, "In Christ, we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of our tresspasses, according to his grace which he lavished on us in all wisdom and insight." You know what my favorite part of that verse is? The last part, "in all wisdom and insight." He chose me, redeemed me, forgave me, knowing full well what a mess I would be. That's incredible to me. It was no accident on His part. And, He's not sitting up in heaven regretting His sovereign choice, kicking Himself for picking me.

To him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy — to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore! Amen.

Glory

My friend Jeremy is very sick. He's at NIH this week recovering from a major surgery. I believe that his story is being written in such a way as to give God glory for many years to come, but this week, the waiting for news, the wondering, the hurting for him, his wife, his children, and extended family, it's not always easy.

I'm headed to WMU of Texas annual meeting later this week. I've come to love the WMU and to have a profound respect and fond affection for the women I get to be with through that organization. But, the troubles, the pains, and griefs, and trials of WMU of Texas have been very public over the last year. While I am looking forward to this weekend with them, I am also heavy-hearted, praying fervently that the Lord would intervene on our behalf as we gather together, that somehow, He would take the broken pieces and make something beautiful.

Those are just two of the reasons "Glory" by Selah and Nichole Nordeman has been my repeat song of the day,

One day eyes that are blind will see you clearly
And one day all who deny will finally believe
One day hearts made of stone will break in pieces
And one day chains once unbroken will fall down at your feet
So we wait for that one day come quickly

We want to see your Glory
Every knee falls down before thee
Every tongue offers you praise
With every hand raised
Singing Glory
To you and unto you only
We'll sing Glory to Your name

One day voices that lie will all be silent
One day all that's divided will be whole again
One day death will retreat and wave it's white flag
One day love will defeat the strongest enemy
So we wait for that one day come quickly

We know not the day or the hour
Or the moments in between
But we know the end of the story
When we'll see

Spiritual Dehydration

I was lazy with my morning routine this week. I slept as long as I possibly could, raced to make myself presentable, then rushed to my first appointment each day. I skipped any "unessential" steps, including my morning devotional time with the Lord.

Yesterday, I was watching a Discovery Channel special about some guys on a hiking trip in the Grand Canyon that ran out of water. As the program narrator began describing the effects of dehydration on the physical body, I began thinking about spiritual dehydration, the effects of extended periods of time without spiritual nourishment, Living Water.

Early on, the effects of dehydration may or may not be noticeable. The first one is thrist. Your body notices it's gone without water and is in need. When I skip my morning time with the Lord, there's often something inside my spirit about mid-day that seems to whisper, "a few quiet moments with Jesus sure would be nice right about now." Another early effect of dehydration is fatigue and/or weakness. It's subtle at first. Spiritually, when I've gone without Living Water, instead of praying I find myself thinking things like, "I probably should pray about that ..." but often lacking the mental fortitude to actually do the work of praying.

As time passes without water, the effects of physical dehydration become more pronounced, just like the effects of spiritual dehydration. Not to be too graphic, but one of the symptoms of increasing dehydration is "reduced outputs." I believe that can easily be translated into the spiritual analogy as well. Without daily time spent meditating on Scripture and hearing from the Lord, the well from which I give and serve those around me soon runs dry and my life bears very little fruit.

In the final stages of physical dehydration, one experiences dim vision and confusion. Sad to say, this is what caught my attention as I was watching the program on the Discovery Channel yesterday. I was aware that I hadn't spent my regular time with the Lord in a number of days, but I had not yet connected the fact that I was having difficulty seeing and thinking clearly about things to the fact that I had not sought out His perspective. The further I get away from sitting at the Master's feet, the less I think on the things that are True and see clearly from an eternal mindset. My vision is dim and my thoughts are confused.

I once heard it said that if you skip your time with the Lord one day, He'll notice. If you skip it two days, you'll notice. Skip it three days, and everyone will notice!

What was even more amazing to me was listening to the survivors talk about finally getting to water and describing the sensation of literally having their bodies rehydrate, soaking in that precious, life-giving liquid. This morning, as I sat in my quiet place with God's Word in my hand and began studying what He had for me, what I'd been missing all week long, it truly was like taking a long, satisfying gulp of water to my soul. My thoughts began to move quickly through the possibilities of His plans for me. My spirit was lifted so that I was singing as I went about my day. And, I had something to say, something I wanted to share with others around me.

Just Passing Through

Recently, my attention has been drawn time and time again to the fact that this life is temporary. I've been more or less camped out in II Corinthians 4 and 5. I find myself pulling my Bible out time and time again to read it just one more time, to make sure this life really isn't the whole story. You see, all around me this week, people are hurting.

This week, I'll attend another funeral for a family member, the third one this year. This week, a sweet six year old lays in a hospital bed, waiting to find out why her kidney is three times its normal size. This week, a strong 18 year old athlete battles for his life against an aggressive cancer. This week, a 57 year old man battles viral meningitis, and both of his pregnant daughters pray he lives to know his grandchildren.

And these are just the situations touching people I love. So you can imagine why I need to know that this is not the end. This isn't the whole story. There's got to be more.

"But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves; we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despairing; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying around in the body the dying of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body."

In the 1990's, there was a catchy youth camp song based on that passage with a chorus that went, "Yes, Lord; Yes, Lord; Yes, yes, Lord!" We'd all bop our heads and laugh and sing along, sometimes almost shouting. Today, I sit quietly, reading over and over again as the weight of the passage washes over me.

We are afflicted, perplexed, persecuted, struck down, always carrying death around with us ...

That's the part I get. I understand. I identify. I feel. I experience. I know.

But that's just the beginning. That's not the end. It's not even the point. All of it is achieving a much larger purpose in my life, in the lives of those suffering directly, and in the lives of those standing by watching.

"For all things are for your sakes, so that the grace which is spreading to more and more people may cause the giving of thanks to abound to the glory of God. Therefore we do not lose heart, but through our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison."

It's really easy for me to smile and tell someone that my life is all for the glory of God when the proverbial sun is shining. I mean, after all, I am, "an oak of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor." But what about when I'm crushed and perplexed and afflicted and struck down? Where's the glory then? That's when the glory is in my favorite word: Hope, "looking not at the things which are seen but at the things which are not seen; for the things that are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal."

Evidently, God purposefully allows us to be uncomfortable on this earth, something about wanting us to long for more, to long for our home with Him. Can you believe that?

"For we know that if the earthly tent which is our house is torn down, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens ... For indeed, while we are in this tent, we groan, being burdened because we do not want to be unclothed but to be clothed, so that what is mortal will be swallowed up by life."

So, this trouble all around me, in the lives of faithful believers, is able to accomplish at least two things. One, a dying world may see and believe. When staring death in the face, we want nothing more than to know that it's not the end. For the believer, there is a far better future on the other side of the grave. Two, we are reminded that this is not our permanent home. Whether we're here 6 years or 99, it's all temporary, light and momentary. And the pain of this world only serves to make us long for the next.

"For if we are beside ourselves, it is for God; if we are of sound mind, it is for you. For the love of Christ controls us, having concluded this, that one died for all, therefore all died,; and he died for all, so that they who live might no longer live for themselves, but for Him who died and rose again on their behalf."

What? You're Not a Mind Reader?

Today, I found myself extremely annoyed and frustrated by a situation that was more or less all my own fault. I'm fairly certain that more often than not, I expect people around me to be mind readers. I assume they know what I'm thinking, are on board with my logic, and will act accordingly. As you can imagine, this rarely happens. Rarely. As I paused to analyze my own frustration, I asked myself what it was that I expected the source of my frustration to do differently. And, I realized, it all boiled down to the fact that I was annoyed that another person didn't intuitively know information I'd never given her. It seemed so silly, but even recognizing how ridiculous I was being didn't completely calm me down because the reality is I still don't want to change. I don't want to adjust my communication patterns or habits. I want others to change. I want them to develop a supernatural ability to read my mind. Is that really too much to ask? :-/

An Interesting Week in Heaven

My Uncle Butch died peacefully last Wednesday evening. Shortly after Cousin Sylvia stood beside his bed and sang "I'll Fly Away," he slipped into the presence of the Lord. I've been wanting to say something about this for over a week now, but I haven't been exactly sure what to say. As you know from some of my previous posts, Uncle Butch was a larger than life character. We rehashed old stories and even told some new ones when we gathered for his burial earlier this week. Some of my favorites include:

The way he used to make my mom ride in the floorboard of his car when they were in high school because he didn't want other girls who might pull up next to him to think he had another chick in the car with him. This went on until Mimi pulled up next to them one day and asked him where his sister was, and Mom popped up smiling and said "here I am!"

There was the time Mimi was on her way home to punish all three siblings for misbehaving, but right before she got there, Butch his his head on a kitchen cabinet hard enough that it bled. When my mom tried to help him, he told her to leave him there, Mimi would feel sorry for him and forget she was mad a them. An hour later, cleaned up, and sitting at an ice cream parlor, he winked at my mom and said, "told ya so!"

And, then there was the night he borrowed Pappy's car for a date, and stayed out past curfew. He knew Pappy needed the car to get to work for his overnight shift, but once he knew he'd missed the deadline and was going to be in trouble, he decided to stay out all night and just have fun. Mimi tracked him down at his date's house watching movies with another couple at 2:00 a.m.!

Somehow, knowing all these stories and so many more, it seems fitting to me that my last phone call from Uncle Butch came just a week or so before his death. Up to the point that he got too weak to dial the phone, he'd been calling every other day or so just to tell me he loved me. I admit, there were times I wasn't sure I had time to answer the phone, but I was always afraid I'd miss his last call. Sure enough, I was sitting on the couch one afternoon at home, and he called. Our conversation went something like this:

Me: Hello, what are you doing?
B: Who's this?
Me: You're favorite niece, Kristi, of course! (Sorry, Addie, Tiff, and Ava :-P)
B: Oh, I called the wrong person.
Me: (laughing) Well, good to talk to you, too.
B: Yeah, well, I love ya, bye.
Click. Silence. That was just his way.

I had a lot of valid disagreements with Uncle Butch when it came to politics and theology over the years, but in the days before his death, Uncle Tracey reported that he became very serious, made peace with many of the people he'd had contentions with, and told Tracey, "I'm ready to see Jesus." Through all of our laughter and tears ("Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion!"), I keep thinking, "I bet it's been an interesting week in Heaven."

I Thessalonians 4:13 Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. 14 We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. 15 According to the Lord's own word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left till the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. 16 For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. 17 After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. 18 Therefore encourage each other with these words.

My Rock and My Refuge

I love you, O LORD, my strength. The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer,
my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. I call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praised, and I am saved from my enemies. Psalm 18:1-2

The problem with treating God like a polite acquaintance rather than the loving Father that He is becomes glaringly obvious to me when I read a passage like this one. This last week was not an easy one. I experienced loss and grief, fear, and disappointment. Thursday morning, as I woke, still processing Uncle Butch's death the night before, God who is rich in mercy and abounding in love allowed me to crawl into the place I meet with Him, open His Word, written to show me who He is in times like these, and read Psalm 18:1-2. Who is He?

My strength, so good to know when I am very, very weak.
My rock. This always makes me picture one of those giant boulders in some National Park that people go up and push against and take pictures with as though they're holding it up, when in reality, they could push with all their might and that massive rock isn't going to budge. There is great comfort for me in knowing that no matter how hard I push against My Rock, He does not move. He stands, unchanging, constant.
My fortress, a place of protection and defense in the midst of a raging battle.
My deliverer. I am free. I am free to experience all that life has for me, knowing that I am slave to none of it. He has set me free.
My refuge, shelter in the storm, a safe place.
My shield, my first line of defense, extinguishing the flaming arrows of my enemies.
My horn of salvation, trumpeting victory before the battles even get started.
My stronghold. When discussing sin, a stronghold is a negative thing, the place that Satan seems to have the advantage in our lives, but when talking about God, this is the best news possible. He's got me, and He will never let go.

No Shortcuts

I am the queen of shortcuts. If there's a way to do it faster, more efficiently, I wanna find it. I do not believe in wasting time. If I can multi-task, I'm gonna. If I can carry it in one trip, you'd better believe I'm not making two. Some people say it's because I'm a hard worker, but really, it's because I like free time. I like being able to play on the computer, or veg in front of NCIS reruns, or enjoy a spontaneous night of fun with friends. But, those things are really only enjoyable when I know my work is done.

The problem with this overall attitude toward life comes in to play when whenever a matter requires discipline. There are no shortcuts for sound discipline in life. There are no shortcuts to a healthy body. There are no shortcuts to a well-fed mind. There are no shortcuts to a life of integrity. There are no shortcuts to a Spirit-filled life. We must do the work to gain the prize.

This week, our church studied Ezra 3, and the story of the laying of the foundation for the rebuilding of the temple, and I was reminded of a vision the Lord gave me several years ago. It was during a season of great loss in my life. I had experienced loss through death, loss through broken relationship, and loss through physical distance over and over again in the span of a few short months. My spirit felt stripped and barren. During that time, I was lying in bed, working on the courage to face that day, when the Lord painted a picture for me of a foundation slab. Cold. Gray. Boring. Straight. Solid. Firm. Unshakable.

It was as though He was showing me that He had to strip my life down to the barest essentials, show me how solid my foundation in Him was, so that He could begin building other things into my life atop that. Last week, someone was talking to me about ways that we, as humans, tend to hide from the things we'd rather not face. She listed shopping, eating, busyness, work, etc. And, somewhere in the middle of all that she listed "religion." I think I know what she meant, but everything in my cried out against that at the same time. You see, I confess, I've been known to treat myself to a little retail therapy or brownie therapy, to book my calendar in such a way that there wasn't time to think about anything that might hurt, or to lose myself in work in such a way that made me unavailable to others. But, what she called "religion," my relationship with Jesus Christ, is no game. When all else is stripped away, He remains, faithful. I have searched the depths and found Him there.

All of those other things, those are shortcuts. And, every so often, because of His great love for me, He blows through my life with gale force, sweeping away anything not securely fastened to that Foundation. Sometimes, there's very little left. Oh, but even in those times, He is enough.

In this new season of my life, a new year, a new decade of life, the seeds of a new ministry being planted in my heart, I am increasingly committed to not taking shortcuts. As I build, I want to do it slowly, carefully, making sure that every structure is securely fastened to my immutable Savior.

The Love Mix

In honor of Valentine's Day, I thought I'd share with you some of my favorite "love" songs ...

Loving You, Loving Me - Dave Barnes
What If I Loved You - Joey Gian
Love Love - Brett Younker
Never Been Unloved (Bruce's Song) - Michael W. Smith
Unfailing Love - Chris Tomlin
But I Do Love You - Leanne Rimes
Bold As Love - John Mayer
How Sweet It Is (To Be Loved By You) - James Taylor
Love You Out Loud - Rascal Flatts
Lead of Love - Caedmon's Call
We Love You, Jesus (Acoustic Version) - Shane and Shane
Your Love Is Extravagant - Darrell Evans

Memories!

So, I've already reached an age when it seems like taking a trip down memory lane to get together with long lost college friends. But, last night, I had the opportunity to reach even further back in my personal history and sit down to dinner with long, lost high school friends!
Thanks to the magic of facebook, I have recently reconnected with a sweet friend from my past, and last night was what I hope turns out to be the first of many opportunities to reconnect.
Some of my earliest happy memories of life in Plano start with Brenna and Lauren. Throughout junior high and high school, these were the girls who were with me for every major event, and all of the minor ones, too ... camps, cars, crushes, d-nows, dances, choir tours, sleep overs ... all of the highs and lows the teen years had to offer!
Last night was like having the opportunity to peer backwards in time. Laughter, facial expressions, catch phrases all came rushing back. Names and events I hadn't thought about in years were suddenly on the tip of my tongue. So much has changed, but so many things have stayed the same.

Life By the Lyrics

"To starve is to feast/Less of me is more of Jesus" I Want It All, Shane and Shane

"All of my life/In every season/You are still God/I have a reason to sing/I have a reason to worship" Desert Song, Hillsong

"I'm haunted by my God/ who has the right/ to ask me, what/ by the nature of my rebellion/ I cannot give/So, I beg for You to move/I beg for you to move/I beg for you to break through" Beg, Shane and Shane

"He is a hurricane/I am a tree/Bent by His wind and His mercy" How He Loves Us, Kim Walker

"You love all of who I am with all of who You are" - You Are Good, Jenny Riddle

"If you say go, we will go. If you say stay, we will stay. If you say step out on the water, and they say it can't be done, we'll fix our eyes on you and we will come!" If You Say Go, Vineyard

"You come as You are/I come as I am/And grace covers shame" You Come As You Are, Watermark

"I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way that you love me, oh how you love me!" How He Loves Us, Kim Walker

When I was in college, my friends and I used to play a game called "youth group" during which we'd hold up pretend microphones and go around the circle making up very cliche fake "testimonies" as though it were the last night of youth camp. Most of us had grown up in typical churches and we all shared similar stories of such events. We'd follow that up with "prayer request" and start making up terrible fake prayer requests about great-aunt Bertha's fungus on her third toe and Suzy's sister-in-law's uncle who has a sick dog, etc. I'm not gonna lie, it was funny, and it still makes me laugh when I think about it.

But, I think it also gave me a complex about sharing prayer requests. Recently, I had something really heavy on my heart, effecting many people I love, but I hesitated to tell others about it because I didn't want to seem too needy. You see, lately, it seems like I've had an inordinate number of prayer requests for myself or those near me. As I was thinking about some of those things this morning and wondering how to share and with whom to share, I told the Lord that I didn't want to sound needy. And, y'all, like only He can, the response was immediate, "But, Kristen, you ARE needy." Where I got the idea that I wasn't in need or that it was wrong for me to be in need, I'll never know.

In need of grace, in need of love,
In need of mercy raining down from high above,
In need of strength, in need of peace,
In need of things that only You can give to me.
In need of Christ, the perfect Lamb, my refuge strong, The Great I Am.
This is my song, my humble plea; I am Your child, I am in need.

In Need by Ross King

Lyrically Speaking

"You love all who I am with all of who You are ..." - So Good, Jennie Riddle

"He is jealous for me/Loves like a hurricane - I am a tree/Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy ... I don't have time to maintain these regrets/when I think about the way that he loves us ..." - How He Loves Us, John Mark McMillan

"His mercy hovers like a cloud never raining dry ..." 145, Jolly Napier

"All of my life/In every season/You are still God/I have a reason to sing/I have a reason to worship ..." Desert Song, Hillsong

"Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades ... Let justice and praise become my embrace ..." From the Inside Out, Hillsong

"I am empty/You are holy/Come and fill my soul with Who you are ..." A Loss for Words, Charles Billingsley

"There are so few words that never grow old ... Jesus! Jesus! Jesus!" O,For a Thousand Tongues to Sing, David Crowder

"Your will above all else/my purpose remains/The art of losing myself in bringing you praise ..." From the Inside Out, Hillsong

I Don't Believe In Coincidence

Sometimes, I wish I did. But, I don't. I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in a Sovereign God whose hand touches every detail of life. I believe that I was created with purpose, and that God never wastes a thing that comes into my life but uses all things to bring glory for Himself and good for me. I've believed that for some time now, but recently, this belief has been at the forefront of my thinking more than ever.

Lately, I've been in a slump. I told you I believed I was losing my mind. Some days, just getting out of bed is like fighting an uphill battle. Other days, keeping a string of coherent thoughts running together just seems impossible. And, frequently, I resort to a good old fashioned bout of tears to deal with whatever seems like more than I can handle. There's no simple explanation or straightforward answer to these things, but I am working through them.

This problem is not what I want to write about, though. It's the way God's been working in the midst of it that has stopped me in my tracks today. It's the way He continues to move and speak and make Himself known that makes me stand in awe.

You see, in the middle of what feels like chaos, there's a growing list of friends who've contacted me out of the blue just to check in, telling me I've been weighing heavier in their thoughts than normal and they've been praying for me more specifically.

On Sunday afternoons, there's this very random assortment of women who come together for discipleship. When I prayed four months ago that God would put us together however He saw fit, I couldn't have known that I'd need exactly what each of them brings to that table. I couldn't have known I'd need someone who's been through this valley or someone who'd joyfully pray daily or someone who'd call just to see where I was or someone who'd speak wisdom with every utterance.

He knew, though. He saw what I couldn't see coming.

He knew before I could have that when I accepted teaching opportunities, I'd need the lessons as much if not more than those listening. He knew I'd need to meet "The God Who Sees" and "The God Who Fights For Me" in a specific way this week.

He knew, even when I wasn't sure I had time for it, that I'd need a weekend away with relatively new friends to laugh out loud, to share the burdens of my heart, and to learn new songs with which to praise Him.

And, He knew every time He gave me the grace to walk another step with a hurting friend, that those sweet ones would be exactly who I needed to walk with me now and that He'd give them the grace to take another step with me today.

"In his heart, a man plans his way, but the LORD directs his steps." Proverbs 16:9

Losing My Mind

Lately, I've felt more than a little crazy. I say that seriously, and I'm working through it, but sometimes, the things that happen are just too funny. I haven't decided how much I'll really blog about the things that are more serious, but I figure if I'm going to go crazy, we might as well all have a little fun with it. ;-)
One of the things I've noticed is that I misplace things like my keys and/or cell phone DAILY. It's so annoying. This morning, however, was even more comical. I misplaced a pot of coffee. Not really, of course, but I was so very confused. I got up, set set the coffee to brew, turned it on and went about my morning routine.
Half an hour later, my stomach rumbled, and I went to find some breakfast. I walked into the kitchen, grabbed a banana, stuck a bagel in the toaster, then pulled out a coffee mug. That's when I noticed -- the coffee pot was nearly empty! I looked inside the well, and the water was gone from it, the grounds were wet as though it had all flowed through, but there was almost no coffee in the pot. About the time I was deciding to start a fresh pot so I could watch to see what the matter was, I remembered the very full travel mug I'd filled and carried back to my office right after the pot had finished brewing. Genius! I had to laugh at myself, but goodness, that's aggravating. :-)

Living On the Third Day

Every now and then a song catches me by surprise, captures my attention, my imagination -- gets me fired up. Today, as I rounded the corner on my way home, my radio was turned down low, but suddenly I was aware of the lyrics being sung:

On the third day, behold the King!
On the third day, death has no sting!
On the third day, we're forgiven and reconciled!

Today was one of those days I woke up a little fired up. I'm not sure why, but after spending time with the Lord this morning, I just felt a heightened sense of His magnificence in every aspect of my life and the world in general. I've written before that sometimes His majesty just overwhelms me. It was kind of like that.

On Sunday, my discipleship group had a discussion about "praying on our spiritual armor." Our pastor has often encouraged us to do this, so as we began a six-week emphasis on spiritual warfare, I asked how many of them actually make a habit of praying on their armor. Rather quickly, someone said, "I don't. I don't pray it on because I never take it off!" I've been chewing on that ever since. The helmet of salvation. The breastplate of Christ's righteousness. The belt of God's Truth. These are items in which I am meant to live, not put on and take off at will.

Then, this afternoon, those lyrics, "On the third day death has no sting! On the third day we're forgiven and reconciled!" And, I realized why I was so moved. Entirely too often, I fail to really live, walk, ABIDE in this Truth. It's the third day. Death has no sting. Nothing separates me from God's love. I can enter the Holy Place and find mercy. I am FREE.

I am crucified with Christ, and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. And, the life I live in the flesh, I live by faith in the One who loved me and gave Himself for me. Galatians 2:20

Day Three.

More Lessons from Hagar

It occurs to me that I should just save all of this until after I've taught this lesson, but sometimes the wonder of God's truth is just too great to not share right away.
So, just to recap, in Genesis 16 we meet Hagar, the mistreated maidservant of Sarah, the wife of Abraham. She's pregnant with Abe's baby because Sarah thought that'd be a good idea. Only, once Hagar was pregnant, Sarah was more than a little uncomfortable with the situation and Hagar was more than a little taunting toward her mistress. Eventually, the whole situation becomes too much to handle and Hagar flees. She's a fugitive in the desert, pregnant, alone, and a long way from her home in Egypt. Then, an amazing thing happens. God comes to her.
Hagar tells Him her plight, then He tells her what to do. Two commands. Go back ... and submit. Ouch! I'm thinking this is probably not what she wanted to hear in that moment. But, this is where the lesson gets good. There was grace in those commands.
First of all, to whom was He sending Hagar back? To Abraham's people, God's chosen, the blessed ones. Hagar was a foreigner, from a people who did not worship the True and Living God. By sending her back to Abraham and Sarah, God was placing her in the protection of His people. Secondly, He told her to submit. Submit to an unfair situation? Submit to carrying the child of a man who used her and a woman who plans to take it from her? Really? Submit? But, there's more. The Lord tells her a little bit about the baby she's carrying. As the child of Abraham, he's to be included in the promise. Submit, let Abraham claim the child, for he will have descendents too numerous to count. "El Roi" could see the things Hagar could not.
Ahh! Do you ever find things in scripture you just wish were not there? Grace in a command like "go back and submit"! Think of it. How often do I sense the Lord's command in my life, but ignore it because it just seems too far-fetched to be accurate.? Surely that's not what He meant to say. Surely I didn't hear that correctly. Surely "El Roi" the God who sees everything, even invisible women hiding in deserts, wouldn't ask me to go back to that difficult situation and submit myself to an unfair authority. Would He?
Perhaps I would do well to remember that the everything He sees includes the things I cannot see.

You Gotta Hear This!

I frequently ask others for music download suggestions. Now, I'm publishing mine. If I could make you a Mix CD, this is what would be on it ...

Albertine by Brooke Fraser
Beautiful, Scandalous Night by Roby Seay Band
Desert Song by Hillsong
Faithful God by Shannon Wexelberg
Fringes by Shane and Shane
Glorious Day by Jeff Johnson
Hallelujah by Bethany Dillon
He's Always Been Faithful by Sara Groves
Hello Lord by Sara Groves
Jesus Paid It All by Kristian Stanfill
Let It Be Said of Us by Elijah Thomson
A Loss for Words by Charles Billingsley
The Maker of Noses by Rich Mullins
Never Underestimate My Jesus by Relient K
O For a Thousand Tongues to Sing by David Crowder Band
Revelation Song by Christ for the Nations Institute
Thankful by Josh Groban
This Is Our God by Chris Tomlin
What Do I Know of Holy by Addison Road
Worth It All by Rita Springer
You Are Good by Point of Grace
You Are My Treasure by Chris Tomlin