O, Be Joyful!

It's finally a Thankful Tuesday, and I'm not overcoming some grumpy mood or sad life disappointment.  Thankfulness is not a sacrificial offering today.  I'm just genuinely rejoicing in daily graces this week.

• I'm thankful for Barbie Car Pink nail polish.
• I'm thankful for a refreshing evening with my Wonder Girls last week.
• I'm thankful Erin and Ashleigh were okay just letting me play DJ rather than paint much.
• I'm thankful blue paint washes off hands ... and shins. 
• I'm thankful Erika came in town this weekend, for all the laughter shared and memories made and humbling truths spoken as only the dearest of friends can.
• I'm thankful for friends who'll pretend to be family for me when I have the urge to make Sunday dinner.
• I'm thankful God is bold, persistent, and unyielding as he makes Himself known in the middle of my ordinary life.
• I'm thankful for new journals full of blank pages waiting to be filled.
• I'm thankful for new babies, filling arms and hearts and families with with delight and promise. 

Broken and Thankful

It's Thankful Tuesday.

For the last week, I've been capturing pictures in my mind, sweet moments I wanted to share with you and be thankful for having experienced. Children reciting memory verses. Little boys in astronaut suits. 5 year old birthday parties. Father's Day brunch with my Daddy and my church family. Rainy swim celebrations. New music. Homemade pizza. Shared laughter with good friends.

Good, rich, blessed graces.

Then, I received news from a precious lifelong friend.  Her dad, a man I have known and loved dearly for a very long time, is sick.  The cancer is far more aggressive than any of us dreamed, and the battle for his life will be straight up a steep hill.  My heart has not stopped aching.  At first there were messy streaks of black mascara mixed with my salty tears, but eventually there was no mascara left, just tears.  I went to bed with a headache and a heavy heart and woke 8 hours later feeling as though I'd never slept.

And then I saw the calendar. Tuesday. Oh,God, how can I be thankful today? I hurt. I just hurt.

Yesterday, before receiving this news, I heard about someone who has more or less allowed anger and disappointment over the death of a friend wreck his walk with the Lord, then his marriage, and his life.  All I could think was how much that friend he's been grieving, whose death he's blamed for all his anger, would hate what he's done.

If I refuse to be thankful today, am I any different?  If, in the midst of a broken heart, I refuse to praise God and proclaim His goodness in all things, I do great disservice to Mr. Harry, his life and his testimony.  He's laying in a hospital bed, gathered with his family, singing hymns, telling doctors and nurses about the God who saves, asking strangers if their eternity is secure.  How can I not be thankful?

So, today, with tears streaming down my face for the umpteenth time in the last 24 hours, I am thankful.  I am thankful that 17 years ago, I met Mr. Harry and we bonded over a mutual excitement for his daughter's new found faith in Jesus.  I'm thankful that as a senior in high school, Mr. Harry gave me a job and in so doing, invited me into his home and his family.  I'm thankful that for all these years Mr. Harry has never stopped pulling me into crushing bear hugs when I see him.  I'm thankful for every time Mr. Harry has promised me with a twinkle in his eye and a grin on his face that he was still praying for "some dumb boy somewhere to wise up."

And, while I hate this sickness, I am thankful for every person who will hear the gospel and see the faithful testimony of one who knows this earth is not his final home. For we know that if the tent that is our earthly home is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens. 

On repeat: Lord, I Need You.

For Goodness Sake

Our pastor preached on the sovereignty of God this week.  God's absolute right and power to rule and to reign however He sees fit.  And, he said this, "God's sovereignty would be a terrifying prospect were it not for His goodness."  Because God is good, we can rest in his power.  Because God is good, we can trust Him through the things we don't understand.  Because God is good, we can know peace in the midst of chaos.  His goodness permeates all of life.

It's Thankful Tuesday again.  It cracks me up that this seems to catch me off guard each week as though I might ever run out of good things for which to be grateful. Ha!  (This week's list will be illustrated by photos I've borrowed from Facebook.)

I'm thankful for a night out at the Ballpark with my church family last week.  The Rangers' loss was nothing short of terrible, but the delight that we found in just sharing the experience together made a lasting memory. It was good.

I'm thankful that there are so many children around in this season of my life.  I love that this one crawled up in my lap (even if it was only to get to games on my phone) and stayed a while during the ball game last week.  It was good.

 

I'm thankful for laughter, thankful for the hours I can spend in companionship with close friends and for how sometimes we use words and sometimes we just use eyebrows to say what needs to be said.  It is good.

I'm thankful for sister-cousins who are friends and prayer warriors.  This one is mighty.  Her words are good for me.

I'm thankful for my pastor. I'm thankful for how he loves others with all that he is. I'm thankful for how he presents difficult and powerful truth in readily applicable ways.  And, I'm thankful he is my friend.  This is good.

I Choose Gratitude

One of my recent Christian Women's Job Corps graduates sent me a text at 6:20 this morning to let me know she couldn't come in to volunteer today because she didn't have a place to stay and needed to find a shower before reporting to her part time job this evening.  Her reality shook any thought of grumbling about a short night right out of my head.

I choose gratitude.

The roof over my head isn't mine.  It isn't permanent.  But, it's a safe and warm shelter, a space graciously offered to me by people more dear to me than words can say.
The sun often rises before I'm ready to push back the covers, but there are covers, and there is work, and all that a regular paycheck provides.
My family is not without its share of difficulties, but each one is safe, sheltered, and fed.  Parents and children sleep securely under the same roof each night.
My car is making a funny noise, and I have to manually roll down the windows and unlock the doors on it, but it's almost mine.  Each day, I come and go as I please thanks to those tires.
I'm trying to eat healthier these days.  I'm choosing grilled over fried, water over soda, greens over carbs.  It's not fun, but the question is never when or where or how I'm going to eat, rather simply what I will eat.

It's Tuesday, and I want to just be thankful for Cajun Shrimp nail polish and tweetable quotes from my hilarious coworkers, for Saturdays at the pool and courageous friends who help my faith grow by sharing their own, for that tube of cortisone cream I almost forgot was in my purse till the 11 year old sitting next to me in church needed it, and for babies who call me "Horton".  I am thankful for all of those things.  So thankful.  Yet, today I'm acutely aware of the extravagance of those graces in my life.  Today, my list starts all the way back up at the necessities I've taken for granted.  Shelter. Clothing. Food. Safety. And, the God Who Sees it all.

It's Thankful Tuesday (Get Used to It)

So, it looks like this is going to become a regular thing around here.  It's good for me. Maybe you'd like to play, too!  Link-up here. 

• I''m thankful I was able to stay home yesterday and rest. After two very, very full weeks of fuller-than-usual time ministry, I needed that break. 
• I'm thankful that when I finally came out of the closet last week and admitted to some of my closest friends that, yes, I actually do like cats better than dogs, they gasped,  but decided to love me anyway. 
• I'm thankful for a church that takes off a regular Sunday to worship with the homeless population in our city.  It was refreshing in ways I still don't have words to express properly.
• I'm thankful that Dr. Brad and Stephanie are the kind of friends that even though I've known them for just over a year, I'll miss them much when they've moved.  
• I'm thankful for Joy, who agrees with me that grocery shopping can be a shared activity. Walmart, Costco, and Target are much less daunting with a friend by my side. 
• I'm thankful for birthdays and the annual excuse they give me to celebrate the amazing people in my life.  
• I'm thankful for positive peer pressure and an excuse to practice thankfulness and for how this little exercise always improves my disposition. 
• I'm thankful that D'Ann called Friday afternoon at the last minute to meet up, thankful we were able to sop up every bit of that hour together and didn't have to waste any time getting reacquainted though it's been months between visits. 

Does It Matter?

There are hundreds (if not thousands) of women in this city in need.  Real need.  Need for housing, clothing, food.  Need for medical attention, need for safe shelter, need for spiritual and emotional nurturing.  Hundreds (if not thousands) of women with deep and profound needs.

I've spent the last two weeks of my life pouring all that I've got to give into six of them.  Just six.

On Day One, I read Ephesians 2:10 to them, "For you are God's workmanship created in Christ Jesus to do good works with He prepared in advance that you would walk in them."  I told them that they have worth and value.  I wanted them to view themselves that way, and I wanted them to know that I view them that way, having worth and value.

Every day I've learned a little more about them.  None of them has lived a life untouched by tragedy or failure.  Three of them are homeless.  Two of them have been incarcerated.  One of them has been arrested more than 60 times.  All of them have been married and divorced multiple times, one of them to the same man four times!  Three of them have children with felony records. One of them had her first child at 14 years of age -- she's five years older than me, has 7 children, and 6 grandchildren!  One of them is a breast cancer survivor. Most of them are survivors of sexual abuse that began in their earliest years.  I could go on and on and on.

I've been involved with classes like this one for most of the last six years.  The reality is, these lives are messy and tangled and the majority of them won't look any different a year from now once the high of the last 10 days wears off.  Lasting life change isn't easy.  Old habits die hard.  Peer pressure is powerful.

Conversations with others, attempting to explain myself, this ministry, these women often leave me wondering if I'm not wasting my time, wasting my life giving so much of myself to "hopeless" causes.

My alarm went off this morning, and I sat up feeling like I hadn't slept at all.  Tired, spent, wondering where the mental and emotional resources were going to come from to pull off another day of class.  I had a list of errands that had to be run before I even got to the office/classroom.  As has become my habit, I began mentally calling their six names before the Lord, handing each of them over to Him and asking Him to do all that I couldn't do for them, asking Him to bring them here and make this day count.

"God, will it all matter?  Is it worthwhile?"

For she is My workmanship created in My Son to do good works that only she can do which I planned long ago for her to accomplish.

Thankful Tuesday

As a freshman in college, I met a bright and shiny girl who wore a lot of yellow and was always accosting me in the SUB on Tuesdays asking me what I was thankful for.  (I may or may not have intentionally dodged her a time or two.)  She forever changed my Tuesdays, and gave me a concrete way to regularly practice gratitude.  Now, she's taken her Thankful Tuesday challenge to the world wide web, and invited us all to play.  So, here it goes:

• I'm thankful that every thought and memory of my friend Micha brings such a smile to my heart. 
• I'm thankful for six beautiful women sitting in my Christian Women's Job Corps classroom today, eagerly learning tools for life and employment.
• I'm thankful for funny text messages about boys from friends near and far in the middle of a hectic morning that pull a smile from my frowny face.
• I'm thankful for how selflessly my Mama loves her Mom, setting an example for me to follow.
• I'm thankful that God put the book of Habakkuk in the Bible and that when I most need to be reminded of its lessons He puts it into my teaching rotation. 
• I'm thankful for my church family and how they love me well.  In the last week alone, they've provided lunches for my CWJC ladies, picked up friends from the airport when I couldn't, and come over early on a Saturday morning to cover my pet sitting responsibilities so I could be with my sick grandmother. 
• I'm thankful that Thankful Tuesday and the time it's taken to put this list together has radically changed my attitude today. 

I'm Not Too Cool

My newsfeeds are filled with Scripture, lyrics, and exclamations proclaiming the GREAT news that we celebrate this Easter weekend.  Jesus is alive, and "by His stripes we are healed."  My heart rejoices, my thoughts run gleefully down the path of forgiveness and grace and redemption.  It's wondrous.

I fight this internal battle about posting, though.  Holidays always feel like a bandwagon to me, and I really don't like bandwagons.  Everyone expects me to post something about Easter today, so I think I'll just stay silent.  That's what the cool kids do.

Oh, but I'm not a cool kid.

I'm not too cool to tell you that the resounding thought in my head since I woke this morning has been, "Oh, praise the One who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead!"

I'm not too cool to tell you that the cross and the resurrection are THE best news in all of history.  Without that, nothing else matters.  "And if Christ has not been raised, then our preaching is in vain and your faith is in vain ... If in Christ we have hope in this life only, we are of all people most to be pitied."

I'm not too cool to tell you you that the cross of Jesus, His death, burial, and resurrection, the price He paid for my sin, the way He made for me to have right relationship with God and eternal life wrecks me.  In the best possible way.

Waiting for Easter

I  have to be honest.  I was totally skeptical about this Lent thing.  It is not something anyone I knew well ever practiced, nor something I understood.  Anything I might give up would, of course, seem silly in comparison with the ultimate sacrifice of Christ.  How could a few weeks without sodas or chocolate or television really change the way I worship or celebrate Easter?

I believe I was approximately 4 days into this experiment the first time I heard myself praying, "Lord, Jesus, I really do love you more than crunchy tacos and Diet Dr Pepper ... please get me past this craving today."  It wouldn't be the last time.

With over two weeks of Lent left to go, I can say in all sincerity that this often-amusing season of sacrifice has been one of the most revealing practices of my adult life.  I'm humbled by just how weak I am.  I'm amazed by how swift and strong the temptation to trade my worship for so many lesser things captures my attention.  I'm embarrassed that when it came time to decide on what I'd give up, there was such a long list of possibilities.  I am spoiled.

And, I don't remember the last time I was this excited about Easter.  Not because I can (FINALLY) satisfy a silly craving, but because all these revelations have served to continually and repeatedly turn my heart toward my Savior, toward the magnitude of His sacrifice, toward the hope of Easter.  Resurrection. Redemption. Eternal Life.  Because this season of going without has served to stir up a longing in me for the satisfaction only He provides.  Because Easter is a single day designated to celebrate the reality Christians walk in every day.

Six Inches

Driving home last night, on a very familiar residential street, about a mile from my bed, I heard a loud noise and thought something struck my windshield.  I flinched, but continued driving.  A few seconds later, I glanced over my left shoulder and realized there was a dime-sized hole in the rear driver's side window and the entire glass was shattered. Not knowing, what else to do, I continued driving.  As I went over a speed bump, the glass began to crumble into the back seat, and the hole got larger.  By the time I got home, this is what it looked like.

That hole originated just six inches behind my head.  I don't know if it was a sling shot, a bb gun, or what.  I haven't been able to find anything in my car to tell me what was shot at me.

Last night, I was in shock.  As my roommates said, I was "eerily" calm.  My heart was beating with palpable force, but to the outside observer, I was serene.  I called the police, filed a report, called my insurance agent, filed a claim, and calmly readied for bed.  I spoke with four different friends, assured them I was okay, then pulled the covers up, turned the lights out, and allowed myself a brief bout of tears of release.

This morning, I felt like I'd ridden a bad roller coaster.  My whole body ached as though I'd been violently shaken, and my head pounded with remnants of unshed tears.  I walked out to look at the car again, and felt sick at my stomach.  Six inches.

I made an appointment with the glass repair guys, sat down to drink my coffee and read my Bible.  Psalm 139.  "The dark is as light to you."  God knows as though it happened in broad daylight who stood on that curb and what they fired at me.  "You hem me in behind and before."  God chose the impact point.  He measured the inches.  All six of them.  "Every day ordained for me was written in your book before one of them came to be."  I woke up sore, shaky, but alive and well today because "This is the day the Lord has made."  I will rejoice and be glad in it. 

ALL the Time

I received some very good news today.

I've spent the better part of the last 4 weeks in and out of my doctor's office, having tests and waiting on results.  The last one felt like a big one simply because it was called a biopsy.  The doctor didn't really expect to find a malignancy in my body, but she had enough doubt to order it just in case.

Today the doctor called and said the words I'd been waiting to hear, "All clear."  The deep sigh of relief and the full breath I was able to inhale and exhale in the next moment were enormous.  I didn't even realize how tense I'd been until I felt my entire body relax.

I had so many people to share the good news with.  Delivering good news is so much fun, and it didn't take long for the replies to begin pouring in.  The most common being a joyous, "God is good!"  I smiled and laughed with every single one, feeling grateful and lighthearted and spoiled by so many loving friends.

When the third, "God is good!" arrived, I mentally finished the thought, "ALL the time." And that's when it hit me.  God is good.  All the time.

Had the doctor's news been different, had there been a malignancy, had I been facing a much more difficult journey this afternoon, God would still be good.

He is good on this path, and He would be good on that one, too.  My circumstances do not have any bearing on his character.  On his goodness or faithfulness or sovereignty.  He is always good, always faithful, and always in control.

Now, if only I could learn to live that way day in and day out!

This morning, I read from Philippians 4. This afternoon, Paul's words are all the more profound to me,  Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me. Philippians 4:11-13

God is good. All the time.

God's Better Ways

Hast thou not see how all thy longings have been granted in what He ordaineth? 

- Praise to the Lord, The Almighty

Sometimes God meets my needs in unexpected ways, and I am delighted.

I recognize a need, have no clue how to meet it, and imploringly take it to Him, asking Him to show up.  It's always thrilling to see just how creatively He engineers a solution I'd have never come up with on my own.

Other times, He meets my needs in unexpected ways and I respond with a temper tantrum.

I recognize a need , come up with the perfect solution, then take them both to God as more of a demand than a petition.

When that happens, I look for God in only one direction.  I wait and watch and expect Him to move in a very specific way, and when He doesn't, I accuse Him of not meeting the need at all.  I get angry and defensive and bitter, and find it very difficult to rejoice in any blessing at all because it wasn't THE blessing I expected.  It's an ugly temper tantrum of the heart.

Eventually, I accept that the need was met, but I tend to treat the gift as more of a consolation prize, begrudgingly acknowledging it with a mumbled platitude of thanks rather than heartfelt joy.  I've done this my whole life.  Over and over again, patting myself on the back for practicing the discipline of gratitude even when accepting something "less than" what I'd expected.  Go, me.

This week, I have come face to face with this very ugly pattern of my heart.  It wasn't a fun or pleasant experience, but the outcome has been monumentally life changing.  I have found myself overwhelmed with delight over graces I'd only marginally acknowledged previously.

I came to God and told Him my need and how I thought it should be met.  He set aside my solution and came up with one infinitely more fulfilling.  Ever since I saw this, ever since I saw that His solution wasn't a consolation prize but truly a full expression of His grace over my life, I haven't been able to stop thinking about it, to stop smiling about it, to stop talking about it, to stop looking for how many other indescribably good gifts I've missed seeing.

God never gives less than His best, even when it's exactly what I think I want.

So don’t be misled, my dear brothers and sisters. Whatever is good and perfect comes down to us from God our Father, who created all the lights in the heavens. He never changes or casts a shifting shadow. He chose to give birth to us by giving us his true word. And we, out of all creation, became his prized possession. - James 1:16-18

Baby Born to Die

Sovereign [sov-rin] - adj., having supreme rank, power, or authority.

This year, I have wrestled like never before with the idea of God's sovereignty.  Whereas once I rested comfortably in the knowledge that "God is in the heavens; He does whatever pleases Him," this year I spent months feeling angry and fearful of that truth.  I found myself asking questions I'd never asked before, such as, "Is God good?"  Is it good that He is in the heavens, able to do whatever pleases Him?  Is what pleases Him always good?  For me, at the heart of it all was a simple question, "Could He be trusted?"

I am grateful to say that over the last couple of months, I've had some truly wonderful conversations with some wise and godly friends and counselors who have helped me wrestle well with those questions, and that my heart has once again found a resting place secure in the knowledge that, "He who did not spare His own Son, how will He not also graciously give to us all things?" (Romans 8:32)

He who did not spare His own Son. Every Christmas it seems that there is one thought or phrase from a verse or lyric from a song that etches itself on my heart and becomes the lens through which I view the holiday season.  This year that refrain has been, "the baby born to die."

It occurs to me that we, in Christian circles, use that phrase rather comfortably as we talk about the Christ-child at this time of year.  But, it is not a casual phrase to be batted around.  A baby born to die?

A mother bravely carries a child to term, knowing her life will be but a breath, yet many come to know the grace and peace of our Savior through their story.  The life of a teenager comes to a senseless end at the hands of a drunk, yet the story of hope and peace is proclaimed boldly in an auditorium full of grieving students.  A young mother receives a terminal diagnosis and determines to live out every last day with gratitude to the Life-giver, and her legacy is a celebration of life without end.  A beloved pastor, still young, dies suddenly in his sleep, and his congregation rallies around his life-long passion for the message of Christ and in his death, a new fervor for the spread of the gospel is born.

None of us would dare to label any of these, "a baby born to die."  But, weren't they?  Didn't Sovereign God is his all-knowing goodness ordain every one of their moments on this earth and determine to use everything surrendered to Him for their good and His glory?  If we can be so comfortable with the idea that He would send His only begotten Son to live and to die as the ultimate gift for us, for our good, then why is it so difficult for us to trust that everything else He does or allows will also work out only for our good?

As I reflect on this last year, as I look back on my deepest struggle to rest at peace with God and His mysterious ways, the manger and the incarnation have provided such precious and powerful reminders that His ways are so very different from and far superior to my own.  The baby born to die is also the very good King who came to rule.

But when the fullness of time had come, God sent forth his Son, born of woman, born under the law, to redeem those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons. And because you are sons, God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, crying, "Abba! Father!" So you are no longer a slave, but a son, and if a son, then an heir through God. - Galatians 4:4-7

Listening to: Born to Die by Shane and Shane

November 14: I am grateful for the confidence of knowing that "Greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world," I John 4:4 ... The week leading up to a SPARK trip is always difficult, filled with stress, illness, and all manner of distraction.  This one was no different, but after all we survived on the Seattle trip, I was keenly aware that no matter what the enemy had for us, God's plan and purpose would prevail!

November 15: I am grateful for accountability, for godly women who pray hard for me, ask me tough questions, and speak Truth faithfully. ... I have some of the most amazing journey-partners, and Tuesday mornings, I get to sit down with one of them over steaming cups of coffee and just feast on God's faithfulness with her.  When I think of all that these women have faithfully walked with me through, I am in awe.  They are a beautiful picture of Christ's grace in my life.

November 16: I am grateful when I pray, "Unto Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly beyond all we could ask or imagine," He answers.  ... I got to see my dear friend and college roommate, Dodie, last Wednesday night.  Her friendship is such a constant reminder to me that I asked for just a little and got a whole lot!  If God is so generous to me in answering the prayer of a teenage girl for a godly roommate, I believe I can count on Him to be generous in all things.

November 17: I'm grateful for SPARK, for the blessing of traveling with, serving with, and learning from a team only God could assemble. ... I've written more than a few blog posts about SPARK Ministry and what an incredible joy and gift and honor and blessing it is to serve on that team.  Life changing.

November 18: I am grateful for volunteers, men and women who serve out of calling and passion with a heart for showing Jesus to others. ... The best part of my job in volunteer management is getting to watch others come alive as they exercise the gifts God's given them to bless others and point toward Him.  

November 19: I am grateful for Thanksgiving, a season in which we focus on the gratitude we should be cultivating year round! ... Lots of people have been mocking everyone's thankful posts as it seems to be the "cool thing" to do on facebook right now, but I love them.  I love seeing what others are grateful for, and I love being reminded that I have so much for which to give thanks.  

November 20: I am grateful for community, that God didn't leave us to walk this journey alone, but surrounds us with fellow travelers. ... Commons Church celebrated Thanksgiving together on Sunday night with an all out feast.  After a weekend full of serving with Spark in Houston, I didn't think my heart could get any fuller, but walking into that room and trying to take in all of the faces of people who've become so dear to me just about did me in.  What a joy to and blessing to do life with such lovely people. 

November 21: I am grateful for @Lewey11, her faithful friendship, loving admonitions, and patient listening ear. #myperson ... Angela and I both managed to have our Christmas gifts for one another early this year, so we decided to hurry up and celebrate before the busyness of the holidays crowded out the joy of it all.  We spent the entire day laughing, talking, walking the mall, shopping for Addison.  

November 22: I am grateful for music "He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God that many will see and fear ..."Psalm 40:3 ... Music is powerful.  Whatever your tastes in music, you can't deny that it gets stuck in your head and in your heart.  I love that as the Lord draws me near to Him, the song in my heart shifts and the words on my lips become praises.  

November 23: I am grateful for children - especially that my life is full of so many cute ones I get to love on and spoil then send home! ... I have some of the most adorable adopted nieces and nephews. I love watching my friends and cousins become parents and grow right along with their sweet babies.  I love seeing God's grace poured out on a new generation.  

November 24: I'm grateful that in all things God is working good for those who love Him and are called according to his purpose. Rom 8:28 ... This Thanksgiving, I am grateful most of all that God wastes nothing.  He is a redeemer, and He takes every mess I've ever made, unravels it, and repurposes it for my good and His glory. 

November 12 and 13: Weekend

November 12: I am grateful for the Barretts and the Hortons. My extended family includes some of my best friends and favorite people.  Yesterday, I sat in the stands at Lions Stadium in Plano with my mom, dad, cousin Daisy, and nephew-cousins Daniel, Nathan, and Joshua as we cheered on the PCA Lions and their offensive coordinator, my cousin Steven.  And, we texted the rest of the family with each score to make sure they felt like part of the action.  Today, I drove back to Plano for the afternoon, to spend some time with my Mimi and my aunt Susan and uncle Tracey.  We talked about life and ministry and church and I got updates on the rest of my cousins from that side of the family.  This weekend came with some great reminders that I am abundantly blessed with a family I don't just love but also like!

November 13: I am grateful for salvation. "For when we were still helpless, at the right time, Christ died for the unrighteous..." Romans 5:6  I've been reminded a lot lately that salvation is completely a work of God's unmerited favor from beginning to end.  He saved me when I was still helpless, unrighteous, dead in my sins and trespasses (Ephesians 2:1-10; Romans 5:6-8).  Words will never be enough to express gratitude for so great a gift, only obedience will truly do.

November 11: Veteran's Day

November 11: I am grateful that when I start trying to name names the list of veterans I have to thank is too long for a status post.  I didn't grow up in a military family, nor in a military town.  My grandfather and one of my uncles were veterans, but it wasn't something we talked about, so it wasn't something I gave much thought.  In the last couple of years, two close friends have joined the military, and I have had opportunity to witness their sacrifice and the sacrifice of their families in a very personal way.  And now, as I truly sit and consider my family and friends, many of whom served long before I knew them, my perspective is greatly changed.  This Veterans' Day, my heart swells with gratitude as I understand with much greater clarity how very high a price has been paid by the men and women of our armed forces.  

It's My Blog and I'll Ramble If I Want To

It's Thanksgiving Month.  I love all the posts on Facebook and Twitter about what people are grateful for each day.  So far, I've limited myself to just 140 Twitter characters in my expressions of gratitude, but today, I want to elaborate.  So, I came here.

November 1:  I am grateful for God's stubborn pursuit of my undivided heart.  I kicked this month off sitting in a counselor's office discussing the fact that God is never satisfied with any portion or percentage of my heart and obedience.  He knows that I will only be truly happy when I am fully surrendered to His good, pleasing and perfect will, and He does not rest until my heart toward Him is undivided.

November 2:  I am grateful for 5 "never-a-dull-moment" years of work and ministry at Cornerstone Assistance Network.  This was my first full-time ministry position.  I was young and fresh out of seminary, idealistic, and completely green.  This job has taken me so many places I never knew existed, introduced me to so many fascinating people, harsh realities, and beautiful testimonies.  I work with an amazing team of people all committed to fulfilling God's call on their lives through serving the poor.  I am blessed.

November 3: I am grateful for seasons. No matter how long and hot summer is, fall and winter eventually bring a cool reprieve. A lot like life. The long, hot, dry summer seemed to mirror my very dry soul.  It's been a long, dry season spiritually that seemed interminable, but almost perfectly coinciding with the temperature reprieve outside a sweet sweeping sensation of the Spirit's presence began to refresh my soul.

November 4: I am grateful simple things brighten a day, like having money left on a Starbuck's gift card for a peppermint mocha. When I was growing up, my dad used to say, "If you get everything you want now, what will you have to look forward to?" My life is rich and blessed, but it is not extravagant.  It's simplicity leaves plenty of room for joy in simple pleasures.  I love that a drive-thru the coffee shop and treating myself to a hot flavored coffee still has the ability to delight me.

November 5: I am grateful for rich friendships. Today I'll be with people who have walked closely and done life with me for a very long time. Last Saturday provided a rare opportunity to spend time with two different friends from two different seasons, and I was keenly aware of how fortunate I am to be surrounded by people who are not content to sit on the surface of my life but swim boldly into the depths with me.

November 6: I am grateful for the years and family God provided at Wedgwood Baptist Church and for the beauty He's brought me at Commons Church. I am blessed by two incredible bodies of believers. I joined Commons Church because I believed it was a door to community God was opening for me. I found an opportunity to do life and ministry and experience the joys of seeking the Kingdom of God together through this beautiful family in ways I had not yet known.  I recognize, though, that the incredible family at Wedgwood and the years I spent there were training ground for this season, and I am so thankful for the love and support of that training, sending church.

November 7: I am grateful for family and friends who generously support the work and ministry God has called me to do. Next week, I'll depart on my fifth SPARK mission trip.  I love these trips and this ministry, and as much as I love what God does through us in the lives of the women we serve, I am always humbled by what He does in me as I go.  This trip, I did not send out any support letters or request, yet by the first of this week, my entire trip was covered by generous family and friends who simply said, "God put in on my heart to give." That kind of affirmation is priceless.

November 8: I am grateful for the women in my Monday night Community Group and how God enriches my life through their fellowship. I spend Monday evenings with a really beautiful gathering of women.  Married moms, single moms, singles, grandmothers ... it's awesome.  Every week, no matter how tired I am when I get home from work or how much I wish I could just curl up at home rather than drive across town, I am always blessed by my time with them, their words of wisdom and encouragement, and their insights into Scripture and the character of God never cease to speak to me.

November 9: I am grateful that "The Word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, able to rightly divide between soul and spirit, even joints and marrow, able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart," and for old Truths being made new in me. As that sweet refreshing wind of the Spirit has begun to blow again in my soul, I have been swiftly reminded of the power of God's Word, how it quenches my thirst, and satisfies my hunger like nothing else can.  I am grateful that things I may have known or memorized long ago can be made fresh as they are newly and rightly applied to my life.

November 10: I am grateful for my pastor and his wife and how they sacrificially love and serve me, our church, and this community.  It's a new experience for me to have a pastor who I also call friend.  As I spend time with him and his wife and family, I am so blessed by their willingness to sacrifice home and comfort and security and so much more to be here, to follow God's call, to serve this community.  I learn so much from and am challenged frequently by their example.

Birthday Week Playlist

I know you're all just dying to know what I'm listening to this week!

1. Rolling In the Deep - Adele - "I can't help feeling we could have had it allllllllll ..."
2. Kick Drum Heart - The Avett Brothers - "It's not the chase that I love; it's me following you!"
3. Autumn - Ben Rector - "And you can't see the Spring till you're like the leaves here on the autumn ground."
4. Put Your Records On - Corinne Bailey Rae - "You go ahead, let your hair down"
5. Stepping Stone - Duffy
6. Twenty Something - Graham Colton (wishful thinking, I know!)
7. Rivers and Roads - The Head and The Heart
8. Friends, Lovers or Nothing - John Mayer "There can only be one."
9. Lost and Found - Katie Herzig "Oh, I'm worn by the war in me"
10. Always Be This Way - Martina McBride
11. Moves Like Jagger - Maroon 5 (that one's for AddieGirl)
12. Breakfast In Bed - Train "You're better than punk rock cred."
13. Slumber - Needtobreathe "glory's waiting outside your windows"
14. Brown Haired Daughter - Old 97's - "I'm afraid that this is the real thing"
15. I Love You But I Don't Know What to Say - Ryan Adams
16. Just As I Am - Shaun Groves - "I come to the Thief who's robbed every tomb!" 

The Mirror of God's Word

He's still working on me
To make me what I oughta be
Took Him just a week to make the moon and stars
The sun and the earth and Jupiter and Mars
How loving and patient He must be
'Cause He's still working on me!

Some of you (a very small few of you) are now humming a happy little tune you haven't heard in years.  You're welcome.

There's a verse that goes with that song that says,

In the mirror of His Word
Reflection that I see
Makes me wonder why He never gave up on me ...

I've been thinking a lot about that mirror lately.  Our church has been working through the book of Genesis since early summer, and about the time we hit Genesis 12, I started getting really fidgety.  As week after week Steve extolled God's faithfulness, I began to see myself in Abraham's repeated failure to keep covenant.  It was as though he was holding up a mirror, forcing me to take a good, hard look at myself.

This week, we got to Genesis 22.  Abraham binds his only son, the child God promised him, the child he waited YEARS to have, on an altar and raises his knife to sacrifice him, an offering of incalculable worth. We read and heard and talked about Abraham's faith.  His unwavering obedience.  And, I didn't get it.  I felt frustrated all over again.  I could identify with the liar and the cheater and the laugher.  But, this guy that hears he's supposed to sacrifice his only son and gets up EARLY the next morning, chops some wood, and sets out on a three-day journey up a mountain?  Yeah, no.

I want to whine about it awhile.  I have whined about it awhile.  Why must following God be so stinking hard?  Why must He demand so stinking much?  Why is it never enough until He's got our everything?  Why does He let us taste the promise only to ask for it back?

Listening to the discussion during a community group meeting last night, it hit me.  Isaac wasn't the fulfillment of the promise.  He was a taste of the promise.  He was the tip of the iceberg.  We want to focus on Isaac because he looks like the fulfillment to us, the long awaited child.  But, the promise wasn't for a son, the promise was for a nation that would outnumber the stars, multitudes.

I stubbornly cling to an idol, to a promise, to what I think is the fulfillment (or maybe the betrayal) of a promise never realizing that it's only a taste of the immeasurably more than all I could ask or imagine God longs to reap through my life.


And because of Abraham’s faith, God counted him as righteous.And when God counted him as righteous, it wasn’t just for Abraham’s benefit. It was recordedfor our benefit, too, assuring us that God will also count us as righteous if we believe in him, the one who raised Jesus our Lord from the dead. Romans 4:22-24

Believe Me Now

Music is powerful.  Just a few familiar notes can instantly transport me to another time and place entirely.

This morning, I thought it would be fun to put my entire music collection on "shuffle all" and just see what happened.  I was so buried in my work that the music faded until it was just part of the background noise.  Most of the first few songs were recently familiar, my mind didn't have to think hard or travel far when hearing them.

But, then I had such a strange experience.  My body/emotions reacted to it so quickly my mind had to catch up.  As the very familiar lines of Steven Curtis Chapman's (I know! I know!) "Believe Me Now" played over my speakers, I was suddenly blinking back tears.  What in the world?!?

I was a brokenhearted girl in her mid-20's who had just climbed back into her own car after crying her way through an entire worship service.  I was broken in such a way that I no longer recognized myself, and all of the things I thought I'd known had become so foreign. And, I was being called to something that felt impossible.  I was surrendered, but I was terrified and terribly lonely.  I got in my car, cranked the engine, and the first lines of an unfamiliar song filled the empty space. The lyrics spoke so specifically to all that I was wrestling with that I honestly wondered if God Himself had invaded my radio and was singing directly to me.

I know that you don't have the strength to fight
But do you have the faith to stand? 
and Believe Me now
Believe Me here
Remember all the times I've told you loud and clear
I am with you and I am for you


I know all the fears you're feeling now
But do you remember who I am?
Do you believe Me now?
Believe Me here


I am the God who never wastes a single hurt that you endure
My words are true, and all My promises are sure
So believe Me now


That song didn't fix or change a single thing about my circumstances in that season, but it did serve as a beautiful reminder to me of God's character and that no matter what I thought or felt, I was not alone or broken beyond repair.  Today, with the familiar words and sounds, the conviction of that truth came rushing back.  The sweetness and intimacy of that dark moment sitting alone and feeling fully known and seen by my Creator.  And, the reminder that He is today exactly who He was on that day.

... I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him for that day.  - I Timothy 1:12