Expectations

Recently, the idea was raised that perhaps it is our expectations that get us into trouble in life and with the Lord.  We pray with an expected outcome in mind, and we are disappointed when something other than what we imagined best comes to pass.  One friend stated that it is his practice to pray without expectation.  To say that this bothered and confounded me would be putting it mildly.  I’ve continued to chew on this thought for several weeks now.

In one sense, praying without expectations sounds good to me. It definitely sounds safe to me, and my closest friends will tell you that I almost always choose "safe" when it comes to my emotions.  If I don’t have expectations, I can’t be disappointed.  I hate being disappointed.  I can flow along life’s crooked stream without questioning the path or the length of the journey.  I will not wrestle with any pesky impediment because I had no expectation for the path to be smooth.

In thinking along these lines, I wrote the following thoughts last week …

If my life’s joy is wrapped up in a specific answer from God, I’m likely to be sorely disappointed over and over again.  If, however, He Himself is my joy and delight, the answer is inconsequential.  When He is my hope, I’m not praying for a job; I’m praying for provision.  I’m not praying for a mate; I’m praying for contentment.  I’m not praying for physical healing; I’m praying for God’s glory to be displayed through suffering or His power to be displayed through miraculous intervention.  I’m not praying for the waiting to end; I’m praying that I am formed more and more into the likeness of Christ. My eager hope and expectation is not in the answer but in the One who provides the answer.  I do not pray hoping that He will be good, but knowing that He is good and asking Him to reveal that goodness.  

When I pray with only my idea of what is good in mind, I will likely never know how many better things I’m leaving on the table.  The same psalmist who wrote, “The nearness of God is my good,” also wrote, “God is near to the brokenhearted.”  Sometimes, good is a broken heart that brings us near to God.  Until I have accepted that truth, I have not fully put my hope in Him.  And, until I value that nearness of God more than I value my own circumstantial happiness, I am willing to settle for far less than best. 

So, I began trying to pray that way.  The problem was, I sounded vague and distant even to my own ears. The best/worst analogy I can come up with for this is dating.  I hate dating.  I think it’s miserable and terrifying.  We spend time, money, and emotion getting to know someone, slowly pealing back all the layers of our protective personal walls, revealing our true selves to another person, knowing with each revelation that there’s the potential for someone to say, “Yeah, that’s too much. That’s going to be more than I want to work through. See ya.”  It’s agonizing.  And, when it’s over, and we rebuild those walls we’d taken down, we add another layer to protect us from the next one.  

As a result of that attitude toward dating, I tend to approach relationships with men without expectations.  I am guarded and vague and always fun and light-hearted and easy going.  If hurt, I deal with it at home.  If angry, I step away, re-evaluate and decide if I want to get over it or just put more space between me and the person who angered me. So far, it’s been a very safe (and lonely) way to go through life.  I don’t get hurt often, but that’s generally because I never give anyone enough of myself for him to truly be able do any damage.  

Sometimes, when God has not done things the way I wanted (expected) Him to do them, I’ve taken the same approach.  I back off, tell Him less about my feelings and hopes, let Him do His thing while I do mine, and tell myself it’s better that way. I mean, He is God and He's going to get His way anyway, right? A relationship without expectations. 

The problem with that approach is Scripture always gets in my way.  “…in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God …” “… pour out your heart to Him, O people …” “Call to Me and I will show you great and mighty things that you do not know.” “He who comes must believe that God is and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him diligently.” “If we ask anything according to His will, we know that He hears us and if He hears us, we know that we have whatever we ask.” “Ask, and it will be given to you. Seek and you will find. Knock and the door will be opened.”

You and I have been invited to intimacy with the Lord.  He’s welcomed us to pour out our hearts before Him, not because He intends to grant every desire, but because He wants to work though each of them with us.  When I don’t acknowledge the desires of my heart before Him, whether pleasing, confusing, or downright sinful, I am denying myself the opportunity to enjoy the fullness of intimacy to which He has invited me, to know Him and to be known by Him.

Trust in the LORD, and do good;

         Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness.

 Delight yourself also in the LORD,

         And He shall give you the desires of your heart. 

      

Commit your way to the LORD,

     Trust also in Him, a

nd He shall bring it to pass.

He shall bring forth your righteousness as the light,

         And your justice as the noonday.

      

Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for Him;

         Do not fret because of him who prospers in his way, 

         Because of the man who brings wicked schemes to pass.

Cease from anger, and forsake wrath;

         Do not fret—it only causes harm.

         

For evildoers shall be cut off;

         But those who wait on the LORD, t

hey shall inherit the earth.

Psalm 37:3-9

Meals on Wheels: Unflattery

One afternoon, the guy I was dating at the time went with me to deliver meals.  Our route took us by the home of John, a client I saw weekly and with whom I had a very friendly relationship.  When we walked up to the door, John pulled a "dad" move and stuck out his hand with a very formal introduction.  I just smiled.

The next week, I returned on my own for my regular visit, and John says, "So, Kristen ... that young man with you last week ... was that your ... son?"  WHAT?!?! I explained that he was a friend, my age.  He had facial hair for pete's sake!

John just put his hand on his head and groaned, "Oh, Darlin', what have I done? I meant to say 'husband' ... Is he your husband?!"  I just laughed.  John said sheepishly, "Gosh, I just wanted to know if that was my competition."  Ha!  "Too late, John -- damage done."

I couldn't help but laugh, but it was by far the most offensive thing ever asked by a client. :-)

Joy To The World

Who doesn't love Joy to the World?  I mean, seriously.  It's just plain old good news.  You've got to love that.  I was reading Luke 2 earlier today, the passage where the angel appears to the shepherds and scares them half to death then announces, "We bring tidings of great joy which shall be to all people ..."  Great Joy. To all people.  A baby, a Savior.  This changes everything.

He rules the world with truth and grace,
and makes the nations prove
The glories of His righteousness,
and wonders of His love
and wonders of His love
And wonders, wonders, of His love.


If I'm not careful, I dread Christmas.  Modern Christmas.  The busyness, the pressure to buy the perfect gifts, the unholy desire to impress others with my ability to "keep Christ in Christmas".  Writing these posts, reflecting on these lyrics, really does remind me what it is we're celebrating.  It's a big deal because He is a big deal.  A baby born in a remote village on the other side of the world over two thousand years ago changed my life.  And whether you know it or not, He changed yours, too.

I got a text from a friend this weekend asking me to pray that she'd be able to really experience an understanding of God's love for her deep down inside.  I thought of her when I was reading these lyrics, the wonders of His love.  


A popular worship song I love to crank up loudly in my car has a line in it that says, "I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way He loves us, Oh, how He loves us!"  That's the joy to the world, the coming of One who freed us from sin and from ourselves.  The One who had every right to condemn us in His righteousness, chose to pursue us with a wondrous love instead.

We don't sing the third verse very often, but with all these things in mind, read it afresh today:

No more let sins and sorrows grow,
Nor thorns infest the ground;
He comes to make His blessings flow
Far as the curse is found,
Far as the curse is found,
Far as, far as the curse is found!

You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly.  Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might dare to die.  But God demonstrates His love for us in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.  Romans 5:6-8

I am NOT a Medical Professional

I joked often when I was a case manager that I needed some sort of badge that read plainly, "This Person Is Not a Medical Professional."  For some reason, people frequently wanted to show me their wounds or scars or ask my opinion about an ailment -- opinions I was not qualified to offer.

One afternoon, I went to see one of my favorites, an elderly widower named Cliff.  He always seemed thankful for company and willing to sit and chat for a while.  I arrived and he told me how pretty I looked.  We sat and began to visit, and I asked about his health.  -- At this point, it is important to tell you that Cliff was not wearing a shirt. -- He began reaching over his large pot belly and messing with the elastic waistband of his shorts saying slowly, "Well, I've got something you may want to feel."  I sat frozen on the sofa at this point, holding my breath until he stopped at his belly button and added, "I've got a knot come up here, and I don't know what it is."

The man wanted me to stick my finger in his belly button and feel of what was surely a hernia!  I informed him that I was not a nurse and that he would have to talk with his doctor about that.

Come, Thou Long Expected Jesus

So, I'm a blended worship girl.  I like it all.  I've loved hymns and preferred to keep them as part of worship, mostly because they come with a comforting childhood familiarity.  However, as I've worked my way through some of my favorite Christmas hymns, I'm finding another reason to love they hymns.  They are theologically dense.  I've heard this argument before, but I never bothered to really engage the thought process.  But, this December, as I study the lyrics of some of my favorite songs, and the truths they set to melody and bury deep in the recesses of my heart and mine, I am so thankful and in awe of what the writers have penned.  For most of these songs, I've tried to pick a specific verse or line to share with you.  Today, I can't narrow it down.  It's all good.

Come, thou long expected Jesus,
Born to set thy people free;
From our fears and sins release us,
Let us find our rest in Thee.
Israel's strength and consolation,
hope of all the earth thou art;
dear desire of every nation,
joy of every longing heart.
Born thy people to deliver,
born a child and yet a King,
born to reign in us forever, 
now thy gracious kingdom bring.
By thine own eternal spirit
rule in all our hearts alone;
By thine all sufficient merit,
Raise us to they glorious throne.

Simeon was there. He took the child in his arms and praised God, saying,“Sovereign Lord, now let your servant die in peace,as you have promised. I have seen your salvation, which you have prepared for all people.  He is a light to reveal God to the nations, and he is the glory of your people Israel!” Luke 2:29-32

Another Story I Couldn't Tell ...

One day while visiting an elderly woman who lived alone in an apartment complex, it got to be lunch time.  She was very concerned that I might be hungry.  As I worked my way through my questions for her, I assured her I would eat when I left her, but she didn't seem convinced.  Finally, she asked if I'd like a can of Sprite.  Thinking a canned soda had to be pretty safe, I agreed. She shuffled her way into the kitchen, oxygen tank in tow.  When she got there, she decided to pour the Sprite over ice.

At this point, I began to get a little nervous.  Old people can't see well and have low energy, so their kitchens are not generally the cleanest.  Then, she asked if I'd like a straw.  A safe, sanitary method for drinking a soda?  Why, sure!  I'd love a straw!

As she shuffles back over to me with the glass, I'm going on and on about how much I prefer drinking from a straw.  Just about the time she hands me the glass, she says, "Oh, I love straws, too.  I save them and wash them and reuse them!"  I look down at the glass in my hand and notice a strange discoloration around the rim of the straw sticking up at me.  Yikes!

I held the glass politely as we continued to talk.  When she mentioned a photograph of her granddaughter that she kept in the next room, I asked to see it.  While she shuffled to find it, I quickly fed a thirsty looking plant a very refreshing soda!

The X-Files

One afternoon, I found myself sitting in the home of a 57 year old woman who was convinced she needed assisted living.  As I listened to a list of ailments a mile long, I could see out of the corner of my eye that there was a scanner program running on her computer, but I couldn't see what exactly she was running.  When she finally got up to go into the other room, I was able to clearly see that her computer was running, "The At-Home Search for Extra Terrestrial Intelligence."  That woman was looking for E.T. in her living room!

Hark! The Herald Angels Sing

Christ, by highest Heaven adored;
Christ the everlasting Lord;
Late in time, behold Him come,
Offspring of a virgin's womb.


Veiled in flesh the Godhead see;
Hail the incarnate Deity,
Pleased as man with men to dwell,
Jesus, our Emmanuel

This popular hymn celebrates the wonder of the incarnation, God made flesh.  The wonder of the Christ story is this ... the most magnificent, majestic Being was pleased to dwell among us.

... He gave up His divine privileges;

He took the humble position of a slave

and was born as a human being.

When he appeared in human form,

He humbled himself in obedience to God 

and died a criminal's death on a cross. 

Philippians 2:7-8

Ode to My Space Heater

Dear Little Space Heater,
I love you so much.
You’re here every morning;
You come through in the clutch.

I ignore you so terribly
In the spring and summer,
Even cursing your heat,
That you’re not also a fan is a bummer.

I think I don't need you at all,
But then comes winter with its icy morn.
I shiver and shake, then plug you in,
And suddenly all of my love for you is reborn.

You're Here

This one is new to me.  I heard it on the radio this afternoon and googled it tonight.  It's Francesca Battistelli's "You're Here."  I think it's kind of Mary, Did You Know? meets Strange Way to Save the World with a little Breath of Heaven thrown in for good measure.  In other words, in some ways, it's a little cheesy, but I keep coming back to the line that says, "You could have left us on our own, but you're here."  If that doesn't sum up the wonder of Christmas, I'm not sure what does.  He didn't have to come.  He didn't have to die.  He chose to humble Himself in the most unthinkable way all to make a way for us to have relationship with God.  

Hold on now, I gotta take a deep breath
I don’t know what to say when I look in your eyes
You made the world before I was born
Here I am holding You in my arms tonight

Noel, Noel
Jesus our Emmanuel

You’re here
I’m holding You so near
I’m staring into the face of my Savior
King and Creator
You could’ve left us on our own
But You’re here

Don’t know how long I’m gonna have You for
But I’ll be watching when You change the world
Look at Your hands, they’re still so small
Someday You’re gonna stretch them out and save us all

Noel, Noel, God with us Emmanuel

You’re here, I’m holding You so near oooh oh
I’m staring into the face of my Savior
King and Creator
You could’ve left us on our own
Bbut you’re here, you’re here

Someday I’m gonna look back on this
The night that God became a baby boy
Someday You’re gonna go home again,
But You leave your spirit and flood the world with joy

You’ll be here, I’m holding You so near
I’m staring into the face of my Savior, King and Creator
You could’ve left me on my own, but you’re here… You’re here
Hallelujah, You’re here
Hallelujah, You’re here

 In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death— even death on a cross! Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father. 

Philippians 2:5-11

Passion for People

Last weekend, over Sunday lunch, a conversation started up about passion, specifically thing things one feels strongly enough to argue over or defend.  It was noted that I am not one who is quick to fight.  There are very few things I feel strongly enough to engage in verbal disagreements about.  I don't enjoy arguments for arguments sake, and while I might have opinions, I am not always quick to share them persuasively.

This bothered me.  I chewed on it most of the afternoon.  I love passionate people.  I admire people who feel strongly about things and take a stand for what they think is right.  Sometimes that's something really important, but other times, it's just an opinion about music or movies or sports.  I didn't like to think that I was not a passionate person because that seemed to say that I don't feel deeply.  That is certainly not the case.

Late that afternoon when I'd thought myself in circles, I went to my good, excessively passionate friend Erin and asked her what she thought.  She laughed and said she'd been thinking through the same issue regarding me.  She came to the conclusion that the only way to really rile me up is to directly attack someone I love.  She pointed out that someone could sit there all day and attack my musical, political, sports, or movie preferences, possibly even my theological leanings and I wouldn't take the bait, but were that same person to directly malign the character of or be intentionally hurtful toward one of the others sitting at that same table, I'd have put a stop to it in a heartbeat.  And, when she said it, I knew it was true.

My heart, the seat of my emotions, soars and plummets with those I love.  I was laughing with my best friend this morning because I caught myself tearing up over something really silly.  I quickly realized, though, it wasn't really what she'd said that had my heart in my throat as much as all the really wonderful emotional moments I'd had building up over the course of several days.

From celebrating with CWJC graduates to coffee with long lost Peruvian missionary friends and adventures with a locksmith to impromptu family gatherings around football, a joyful lunch with my treasured church family to dinner with a loving and generous older couple intentionally pouring into my life ... it was one heck of a weekend.  My heart and head can barely contain it all still.

So, where was I?  Oh, yes, people.  I am passionate about people.  I am passionate about friends with and for whom I've fought to be close.  I'm passionate about friends who are no longer close in proximity but are never far from thought.  I'm passionate about women who are making major life changes one small decision at a time.  I'm passionate about family and the determination to love in a I Corinthians 13:7 sort of way.  So, if I seem a little weepy this week, it's just my heart overflowing via my tear ducts.  Don't worry.  They're probably happy tears.

I'm passionate about loving others well and making sure they know they are loved.  Step on that, and we might go to fighting.

Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. I Corinthians 13:7

Generous Obedience

I was writing Christmas cards to some of my full time volunteers this morning at work.  These are people who literally put in as many hours on the job as I do, but don't take home a single penny or any other measurable benefit for their time and effort.  They amaze me.  As I wrote to one precious couple who have given and given to Cornerstone and its clients this year, I thanked them for their "generous obedience".  It was a phrase that just came to me as I was writing, but I haven't been able to get it out of my head since.

That particular couple has basically allowed the Lord to turn their lives inside out and upside down as they've followed Him on a wild roller coaster ride into full time ministry this last year.  They have opened their hearts and lives to others in new and profound ways, and they will tell anyone listening that they are not the same people they were just twelve short months ago before either of them ever set foot in my office.

As a director of volunteers, there is no greater story.  It is the perfect tale of people impacting and being impacted through volunteerism.  But, as a follower of Christ, it's an even more powerful lesson.  Because this man and woman were willing to obediently follow God into a great unknown and have continued to walk faithfully through the doors He's opened despite numerous difficulties and hardships, countless lives have been touched.  That's the generosity of their obedience.  In obeying God, they gave generously to all who were standing near enough to see.

Because they obeyed, I am challenged and encouraged and energized in my own commitment to obedience.  Because on multiple occasions throughout the year, they continued to obey when I thought for sure any sane person would have thrown in the towel, I was challenged and encouraged and energized to go harder and farther with Christ.  Because they obeyed in the small things then looked for ways to obey in the bigger things, I was challenged and encouraged and energized to match their enthusiasm in my own life. Their obedience became a generous gift to me.  And, I know I'm not alone.

This year, I have been made aware in so many special ways of the power of the Body of Christ.  I have been reminded over and over again that, as believers in Christ, we never act alone.  

Run hard. Run fast. Run long. In one direction.

Brothers and Sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God in Christ Jesus has called me heavenward. Philippians 3:13-14

I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day

I heard the bells on Christmas day,

Their old, familiar carols play,

And wild and sweet the words repeat

Of peace on earth, good will to men.

I thought how, as the day had come

The belfries of all Christendom 

Had rolled along the unbroken song

Of peace on earth, good will to men.

And in despair I bowed my head:

There is no peace on earth, I said.

For hate is strong and mocks the song

Of peace on earth, good will to men.

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow penned this hymn in 1867.  It's another slow, somber one.  And, again, I love it.  It tells a story of someone contemplating the deep chasm between the hope of Christmas and the despair of life. 

Yesterday, I had a conversation with a friend about faith.  My conclusion was one that I've shared numerous times, faith is believing that God is good despite all evidence to the contrary.  It is knowing the heart and character of God in such a way that you trust Him to be and do good in all things at all times.  It's trusting that His definition of good, while often different from mine, is best.  

I am thankful that Longfellow did not leave the hymn alone after the third verse, but added a fourth and fifth.

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:

God is not dead; He does not sleep!

The wrong shall fail; the right prevail!

With peace on earth, goodwill to men.

Till, ringing, singing, on its way,

The world revolved from night to day

A voice, a chime, a chant sublime,

Of peace on earth, goodwill to men!

The wonder of Christmas is that there is hope.  The despair is real.  The harsh realities of life are enough to knock anyone sideways.  But despair does not have the final word.  Our good and gracious, loving and merciful God made a way.

Because of God's tender mercy, the morning light from heaven is about to break upon us, to give light to those who sit in darkness, and in the shadow of death, and to guide us to the path of peace. Luke 1:78-79

O Holy Night

If "O Come, O Come Emmanuel" is my very most favorite Christmas hymn, "O Holy Night" is a very close second.

O Holy Night! The stars are brightly shining,
It is the night of our dear Savior's birth.
Long lay the word in sin and error pining,
Till He appeared and the Soul felt its worth.


A thrill of hope! The weary world rejoices,
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.
Fall on your knees! Oh, hear the angel voices!
O night divine, the night when Christ was born;
O night, O holy night, O night divine!


There are a couple of things I love about this song.  First, I love the idea of acknowledging and celebrating a very specific, significant moment in time. My dad is notorious at family gatherings for stopping in the midst of the chaos, looking around at the kids and all who are gathered there and saying, "It will never be this way again."  We may all gather again, but we will never be exactly the same as we are on that day.  I don't pretend to know when Jesus was really born, but I do know that the night of his birth changed everything.  It was truly a night set apart.

Second, I hope I never get over the line, "a weary world rejoices".  The fact that it's followed by the celebration of a "new and glorious morn" -- and you all know how I feel about mornings -- just makes it that much better.  It's that beautiful contrast that draws me over and over again to the glory of Christmas.

But when the right time came, God sent His Son, born of a woman, subject to the law.  God sent Him to buy freedom for us who were slaves to the law, so that He could adopt us as His very own children. Galatians 4:4-5

Stories I Couldn't Tell

When I worked as a case manager for Meals on Wheels, I kept a journal on my desk.  As funny things would happen, I'd stop and jot them down under the heading, "Stories I Couldn't Tell When I Was a Case Manager."  This week, someone at Cornerstone who happens to also be a Meals on Wheels volunteer found that journal on an abandoned shelf in the copy room.  She returned it to me ... after she'd read the entries.  She was so amused by them, I took some time to go back a read a few of them myself.  I know I say there's never a dull moment at Cornerstone, but I'm not sure any job will ever provide the laughs that M.O.W. did ...

During my first week on the job, my supervisor took me out to deliver meals for the first time.  We were on a route outside of my territory, but I was still learning about how sites and routes worked.  We stopped at a home, and I got out with the meal in hand while my boss turned the car around.  A large Marmaduke-sized dog came galloping out to meet me.  He literally stood taller than my waist.  From somewhere behind the partially cracked front door a male voice yelled, "Get in here!"  I hoped he was talking to the dog.  The dog ran up a wheelchair ramp, and I followed suit.  The voice said, "You can put the meal on the counter," so I made my way through a dark, cluttered living space over to the kitchen and found space for his meal.  As I set the meal down, I turned with my brightest grin to wish him a happy day only to find a very hairy old man sitting in a wheelchair ... butt naked!

I made it back to my boss' car and told her about the man.  She said, "We really should go back in there and tell him he has to wear clothes."  I calmly replied, "This is not my territory.  That is not my naked man."  A year later, she told our entire staff that was the moment she knew her sheltered little Baptist seminary student was going to make the cut as a case manager.

Here We Come a Caroling

I've been thinking a lot about Christmas music lately.  I was going to do a series of my top 25 favorite Christmas songs, but realized, I really don't have 25 songs I like enough to write entire blog posts about, so I'll just do one at a time until I'm bored with it.

And, I'll start with my favorite, so you know from the start it's all downhill from here.

My very most favorite Christmas song, the one I have about 50 jillion different recordings of is ... (drum roll please) ... O Come, O Come Emmanuel

Yes, it's rather sad sounding, I know.  And, it's kind of hard to sing, I'm aware.  And, I love it.

O come, Thou Dayspring, come and cheer
Our spirits by Thine advent here;
Disperse the gloomy clouds of night,
And death's dark shadows put to flight.

I'm a firm believer that the good news isn't good news until you know just how bad the bad news really is, so the somber, melancholy tones of this song express beautifully the longing for God with us ... the dreariness of a world waiting in desperate need of a Savior.  And, the joy of a well-placed hope.

Rejoice! Rejoice!  Emmanuel
Shall Come to Thee, O Israel

And hope does not disappoint us for God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit ... Romans 5:5

Abraham Lincoln's Proclamation Establishing Thanksgiving

October 3, 1863

The year that is drawing towards its close, has been filled with the blessings of fruitful fields and healthful skies.  To these bounties, which are so constantly enjoyed that we are prone to forget the source from which they come, others have been added, which are of so extraordinary a nature, that they cannot fail to penetrate and soften even the heart which is habitually insensible to the ever watchful providence of Almighty God.  In the midst of a civil war of unequalled magnitude and severity, which has sometimes seemed to foreign States to invite and to provoke their aggression, peace has been preserved with all nations, order has been maintained, the laws have been respected and obeyed, and harmony has prevailed everywhere except in the theatre of military conflict; while that theatre has been greatly contracted by the advancing armies and navies of the Union.  Needful diversions of wealth and of strength from the fields of peaceful industry to the national defence, have not arrested the plough, the shuttle, or the ship; the axe had enlarged the borders of our settlements, and the mines, as well of iron and coal as of the precious metals, have yielded even more abundantly than heretofore.  Population has steadily increased, notwithstanding the waste that has been made in the camp, the siege and the battle-field; and the country, rejoicing in the consciousness of augmented strength and vigor, is permitted to expect continuance of years, with large increase of freedom.

No human counsel hath devised nor hath any mortal hand worked out these great things.  They are the gracious gifts of the Most High God, who, while dealing with us in anger for our sins, hath nevertheless remembered mercy.

It has seemed to me fit and proper that they should be solemnly, reverently and gratefully acknowledged as with one heart and voice by the whole American people.  I do therefore invite my fellow citizens in every part of the United States, and also those who are at sea and those who are sojourning in foreign lands, to set apart and observe the last Thursday of November next, as a day of Thanksgiving and Praise to our beneficent Father who dwelleth in the Heavens.   And I recommend to them that while offering up the ascriptions justly due to Him for such singular deliverances and blessings, they do also, with humble penitence for our national perverseness and disobedience, commend to his tender care all those who have become widows, orphans, mourners or sufferers in the lamentable civil strife in which we are unavoidably engaged, and fervently implore the interposition of the Almighty Hand to heal the wounds of the nation and to restore it as soon as may be consistent with the Divine purposes to the full enjoyment of peace, harmony, tranquillity and Union.

In testimony whereof, I have hereunto set my hand, and caused the seal of the United States to be affixed.

Done at the city of Washington, this third day of October, in the year of our Lord one thousand eight hundred and sixty-three, and of the independence of the United States the eighty-eighth.

A. Lincoln

Out of Egypt

I’ve been trying to write this entry for weeks now.  But, every time I sit down to put it into comprehensible words, the wonder of it all just takes over in inexpressible, unintelligible joy. 

It all started when I was in LA last month.  I was praying for God to show off in a big way one morning and was reminded of Psalm 81:10, “I am the Lord, who called you out of Egypt, open wide your mouth and I will fill it.”  It was such a beautiful reminder of the extravagance with which God demonstrates His love to us.  He holds nothing back. 

In the days and weeks that followed that reminder, I kept coming across that phrase, “out of Egypt” and I began to study it a bit.  Throughout Scripture, Egypt is equated with a place of bondage, servitude.  There was the literal exodus of God’s people, the Israelites, from the rule of the Pharaoh, but there was also an allegorical application for all of us who’ve ever found ourselves enslaved.  Over and over again, God identifies Himself as the one who sets His people free.  And, He did so with a purpose. I am the Lord, your God, who brought you out of Egypt

… so that I might dwell among them. (Exodus 29:45)

… to be your God. (Leviticus 11:45)

… to give you the land of Caanan (promise) and be your God. (Leviticus 25:38)

… so that you would no longer be slaves to the Egyptians. (Leviticus 26:13)

… to be the people of [His] inheritance as you are now. (Deuteronomy 4:20)

As I began to contemplate this, that’s when the wonder-filled joy began bubbling up inside of me.  I have an Egypt, a place of captivity, where I spent far too many years enslaved, yet, all the while the Lord, my God, was calling me out of Egypt.  In fact, Hosea 11:4 says it like this, “I led them with cords of human kindness, with ties of love. To them I was like one who lifts a little child to the cheek, and I bent down to feed them.”

I believe it is significant that God refers to himself repeatedly as the One who brought His people out of Egypt.  He reminds us over and over again that His heart for us is to bring us out of captivity into a land of promise, to be our Companion on every step toward freedom. 

I am mindful of several things as I contemplate this truth today:

1. God’s arm is not too short to reach me.  He is mighty to save.
2. Nothing is too difficult for Him.  There is no bondage more powerful than His love for me.
3.  It is God’s delight to show off in extravagant displays of love and grace. 
4. I was delivered with a purpose, to an inheritance, for a relationship with Him.

Charles Wesley said it this way,

And can it be that I should gain
An interest in the Savior’s blood?
Died He for me, who caused His pain—
For me, who Him to death pursued?
Amazing love! How can it be,
That Thou, my God, shouldst die for me?
Amazing love! How can it be,
That Thou, my God, shouldst die for me?

I’m guilty.  I definitely hopped into Christmas mode pre-Thanksgiving.  That’s not usually my style.  I love Thanksgiving.  I love the family gathering and the ridiculously good food and the football and the opportunity to focus on gratitude without the pressure of buying gifts.  I love Thanksgiving.  This year, though, I have just felt this longing for Christmas, for the joy and the hope and the goodwill to all men.  I’ve longed for the promise fulfilled and the rejoicing … and, to be perfectly candid, the cold weather. 

Christmas is a really big deal, and I’m not sorry for making a big deal of it.  But, today is not the week before Christmas; it is the week before Thanksgiving.  I’m giving myself this opportunity to backtrack briefly and focus on all that God has done and give thanks “unto Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly beyond all that we ask or imagine.”  (Ephesians 3:20) I’m never as in awe of the fact that God can do something great as I am the fact that He is willing to do something great.  Psalm 126 says it this way (emphasis mine):

¹ When the LORD restored the fortunes of Zion, 
   we were like those who dreamed. 
² Our mouths were filled with laughter, 
   our tongues with songs of joy. 
Then it was said among the nations, 
   “The LORD has done great things for them.” 
³ The LORD has done great things for us, 
   and we are filled with joy.

In the past, I’ve given you alphabetical lists of people and places and experiences for which I am grateful.  This year, I’m offering you a playlist.  There’s nothing new here, but it’s a great combination of expressions of gratefulness.  My Thanksgiving Playlist:

1.     Blessed – Brett Dennen

2.     I Have Been Blessed – Martina McBride

3.     Doubly Good – Amy Grant

4.     A Grateful People – Watermark

5.     Made Me Glad – Hillsong

6.     Thank You for Hearing Me – David Crowder Band

7.     Psalm 126 (You Have Done Great Things) – Passion Worship Band

It's Good to be Common

Looking over the blog today, I noticed a glaring omission.  I’ve neglected to share with you loyal readers one of the most exciting journeys I’ve been on this last year.  It’s called Commons Church. 

Last October, an acquaintance and fellow blogger, Steve, announced that he and his family were moving to Fort Worth to plant a church.  Being the helpful individual that I am, I jumped right on facebook that afternoon and messaged them both letting them know that I had lived in Fort Worth for a number of years and would be glad to help them in any way I could. 

At the time, I thought that might be helping them find housing and maybe jobs and introducing them to others doing similar works and ministries in our fair city.  I was firmly planted in my own church home with no intentions to leave.  Sure, I’d been struggling to find community within that larger group for over a year and praying for God to place me into a new group, but I genuinely assumed it would be within that body.

In December, Steve called.  They were having an informal informational meeting about the church and asking anyone in the area who might be interested to come sit down and hear their vision.  I agreed to stop by, intending it as a gesture of support, not interest.  I was amazed when I arrived and found that I had at least met all of the people present and actually knew some of them quite well.  We sat down to talk and Steve began to share about his and Joy’s journey to become church planters and their vision for reaching the lost of Fort Worth, and my interest was definitely piqued.  I, however, had a birthday party to get to, and only halfway listened to his announcement about a church planting training coming up in February. 

I knew it there was a cost involved, and I wasn’t sure I was ready to commit, so I ignored the calendar as the date for the training approached.  Then, the day before the training, my phone buzzed.  It was a text from Steve asking if I was coming.  I told him I’d forgotten about it and had some things on my calendar, but I’d see what I could do.  I wish I’d saved that exchange because I think he called me a chicken or questioned my ability to manage my schedule.  Either way, I felt challenged and decided to clear my way to be at Northwood Church’s Turbo Training for church planters the next day. 

There’s no way to succinctly share all that I heard during that training, but when I look back on it, I know that was the day I decided to become a Commoner.  Steve and Joy had shared with us back in December how they’d begun telling others, “We’re going to plant a church in Fort Worth unless the Lord stops us.”  Without even consciously thinking about it, I told a good friend after Turbo training, “I am going to keep walking forward in this church planting adventure unless the Lord stops me!”  As soon as the words came out of my mouth and recognized their correlation to The Bezners own mantra, I was fairly certain there would be no stopping. 

In April, right after Easter, Thomas and Kimberly Law opened their home to our core group of 9 for a Wednesday evening home group Bible study.  I’ll never forget knocking on that door that first night and being welcomed by both Joy and Kimberly.  The community I’d been longing for suddenly had its arms around me in a very literal way.  It looked nothing like I expected it to when I’d prayed, but I recognized it nonetheless.  We met each Wednesday night and shared meals together, talked about what we wanted church to look like, took spiritual gifts inventories and personality profiles, and prayed for one another. 

By June, when we set out on Sunday mornings to visit other local church plants together, I had come to genuinely love and look forward to spending time with this new faith family.  I realized one Sunday morning as I got ready to visit yet another unfamiliar congregation with the people who were quickly becoming my church family that I was actually excited to be up and getting ready and worshiping with them.  Sadly, it had been a long time since I’d felt that way about going to corporate worship. 

In July, we held our first Sunday morning gathering in The Bezners’ living room.  There were about 12 people there, and it was new and different and so exciting.  Scripture says, “Where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.”  I really began to understand that verse in a whole new light when I began actively giving financially to The Commons.  I’d already come to love the church, but somehow, investing my meager resources there, gave me a greater sense of joy and anticipation about what God was going to do in and through us. 

It’s mid-November now, and the journey continues.  We are consistently running 25-30 adults on Sunday mornings, and we’re actively engaged in conversations about moving to a larger space early next year.  We have new visitors almost every week … and lots of them come back!  There are two different home groups meeting during the week with talks of a third (and fourth?) starting in January.  We’re committed to loving our neighbors and have had some great times volunteering with the local Home Owners Association at dive-in movies at the community pool, neighborhood garage sales, and fall festival.  In October, we began having monthly missions lunches to raise funds to allow us to buy Christmas presents for children in need.  And, today, a dozen of us met over lunch to discuss a strategy for local and global missions in the coming year. 

I am so blessed by the men, women, and children who call themselves Commoners.  They are teachers and social workers and business men and builders and doctors and musicians and salesmen and deeply committed to using their gifts to bless others and point them to Jesus.  Each and every week I get to see Ephesians 3:10 played out in big and small ways, “God’s purpose in all this was to use the church to display his wisdom in its rich variety to all the unseen rulers and authorities in the heavenly places.”

Hope

Cornerstone's CEO, Mike Doyle, is the eternal optimist.  I've never met a man with more hope in him.  I'm honestly not sure if he knows how to give up once he sets his course for a goal.  The other day, Mike stuck his head into a meeting just in time to hear me teasing a coworker about their ineptitude at Facebook saying, "There's no hope!"  Mike had no idea what we were talking about, but upon hearing those words come from my mouth, you'd have thought I struck him personally.  His shoulders sagged, his head dropped until his chin was resting on his chest, and he shook his head from side to side slowly as he repeated the words as though he truly couldn't fathom such a statement, "No hope?!?"  It was pitiful!  In that moment, I learned more about my CEO than in the total 4 years I've worked for his organization.  Hope is what fuels him.  And, truthfully, it's what fuels us all.
Earlier this week, I wrote about a truly awful day in my work.  And, I realize now, it was hope that the next day would be better and that the story wouldn't end there that helped me get out of bed the next morning.  Hope is a truly beautiful word.  It empowers us when nothing else can.

So then, brothers and sisters, stand firm and hold fast to the teachings we passed on to you, whether by word of mouth or by letter. May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word. 2 Thessalonians 2:15-17

Come, Lord Jesus

Some days at my job are really great.  Some days, we win.  We get to see people making choices that bring them and their families closer to abundant life in Christ, and we rejoice.  Other days are more like today.

Today didn't feel victorious at all.  Today, the world just felt so broken.  Every time I turned around, I kept imagining peoples' lives shattered like glass, shards slicing into anyone who dares to try picking up the pieces.

Last month, I took multiple calls from a man trying to locate the girlfriend he had tormented so badly, she fled to a neighbor's without a stitch of clothing on her body.  Last week, I heard the story of a 14 year old girl who has already had multiple sex partners and an abortion and seems to have no idea that life doesn't have to be that way.  This morning, I saw the bruises on a woman who was kicked repeatedly by the steel-toed boot of a man who said he loved her. This afternoon, I read the rap sheet of a con-artist who sweet-talked her way into my good graces and nearly got a hiring recommendation from my office.

I sat at my desk at the end of this day, and all I wanted to do was find a way to make people on the outside understand how badly I hurt on the inside.  I wanted to throw things.  I suddenly understood perfectly how violence begets violence because I felt violent toward those men.  I wanted to hold that little girl and cry for all the things she doesn't know she's lost.  I wanted to bandage those women, tilt their heads up, look them in the eye and tell them how precious they are.  I wanted to shake that very gifted felon and make her understand how badly her poor choices wound everyone around her.

I wanted to call every godly man I know and thank him for not beating the women in his life, thank him for treating women with kindness and respect and helping them develop a sense of value and worth.  I wanted to call up every woman I know and remind her how treasured she is in Jesus' name.  I wanted so badly to find a way to pick up the pieces and put the world back together.

I longed to cry out for justice, knowing that only mercy would ever truly do.  Today, I prayed like never before, "Come, Lord Jesus, come."

from the overflow

Last week, I was visiting with my pastor and my upcoming trip to Alabama was mentioned.  He asked, "Now, tell me again who you're going to see?"  I smiled as I thought through the list, then began to explain, but before I got very far, he stopped me. "Never mind, I've know.  You're going to see amazing person x with whom you have an amazing relationship, and they do fill in the blank with amazing godly thing."  I had to laugh because he was kind of correct.

Last Friday, I got in a car with some of my favorite Fort Worth girls (shout out to Erin, Erika, and Ashleigh!) and drove to Birmingham where we picked Mel up from the airport and rendezvoused with Steph who was driving down from Nashville.  From the airport, we drove to meet Joel in the parking lot of the church where he's been serving as youth minister for the last two and a half years.  Joel had Josh with him.  Josh and Esther (and baby Noah) drove in from Jacksonville, Florida where they minister to youth as well.  The surprise attendee to our family family reunion was waiting for us at Joel's parents lake house.  Danny, a naval officer stationed in San Diego, found out at the last minute he was going to get to come.  Finally, Joel and I made a second trip that evening to the airport for Army officer Jarrod and his wife Dawn, flying in from Virginia.  It was just after midnight before the 14 of us were all under one roof for the first time in years.  What a delight!  We spent the next twenty four hours simply enjoying the pleasure of being close.  We sat on the deck or the pier and talked lazily, catching up.  We grilled hot dogs, watched football then baseball, played cards, took walks, and had our traditional breakfast for dinner meal.  Saturday night, in the girls' room, we lay awake giggling far too long.  And, early Sunday morning, we parted ways.  We hope to do it again next year, and that hope made the parting a little easier.

From the lake house, I went on to spend a couple of extra days in Hayden, Alabama with a different set of friends.  Jeremy and Jodi (and Emma and Abbi) were spectacular hosts.  It is difficult for me to describe the depth of my affection for this family.  Earlier this week, I summarized my relationship to them by saying that Jeremy was the first person I ever had to seriously talk out of punching someone on my behalf and I'm pretty sure Jodi was right behind him.  I seriously didn't want punches thrown, but it felt really incredible to know there were people with that sort of protective loyalty for me.  Jeremy has served as friend, mentor, counselor, and tutor.  Jodi is the consummate girls' girl.  She's wise and kind and hospitable.  She's a patient listener and has a gift for getting to the heart of a matter.  She's a treasure!  And, for two days this week, I soaked up their friendship.

And, while I was away, enjoying these "amazing" people, I realized something else.  I have a whole host of amazing people right here in Fort Worth I was really eager to get back to.  I love my church family so very much.  They are so funny and kind and eager to serve.  I feel rich when I'm with them.  I love my work family, too. They are quirky and outrageous and generous and gifted in such unique ways.  I have so much to learn from them.  And, I love my family.  The ones related to me by blood.  I didn't have much time to talk with them while I was gone, and I loved hearing my dad's voice on the phone today.  I'm looking forward to talking with my mom tomorrow.  I am eager to catch up with my cousins and see my grandmother, too.  

Today, I got home from work, and I was alone in my apartment, and my heart was so full of all these thoughts I thought I might need to go run around the building.  I posed the question on facebook, "When your heart is full, what do you do with the overflow?"  My answer is, I blog.  

#SparkLA2010 Spark Team

I decided to do a separate post about the team itself.  Serving with this team of women was perhaps the most surprising joy of the weekend.  We were the epitome of variety.  20 year old college students, 74 year old great-grandmothers, North Dallas socialites, working moms who picked up extra jobs to pay their way, nurses, paralegals, social workers, stay-at-home moms, p.e. coaches, and ex-cons.  You name it, we probably had it!  But, the one thing you would not find numbered among us was a princess.  (Even I left my tiara at home on this trip!)  I watched these women serve tirelessly, kindly, generously -- at Hope Gardens, on the bus, in the hotel.  They consistently looked for ways to bless whoever was within reach.  It struck me the morning we got to the ranch and there were boxes that had to be carried up a long path.  They fought for the opportunity to carry a box.  Then, that same day, the wind was blowing our screen over, and Linda volunteered to sit behind the screen and hold it steady throughout our session.  I smiled because I realized she was grateful for the opportunity to serve and because I knew any one of us would have gladly traded places with her.

At every meal, every bus ride, and on the planes, I had the opportunity to get to know different members of this remarkable team.  I met Jolie, a fashion merchandising student from Baylor, on her second Spark Trip.  She was traveling with her mom and her sister, and she'd recruited two of her college roommates and their moms, too.  I met, Sharon, a p.e. teacher and coach's wife from Abilene, on her second trip as well.  She rescued me from having to use the helium tank to blow up balloons, and she let me snuggle up next to her when I couldn't stop shivering around the camp fire.  I met, Sherry, the wife of a minister who was very influential in encouraging God's gifting and calling in my life when I was a high school student.  I sat next to Carrie, a Premier jeweler from Kansas City who heard about the trip in September and decided to fly out and see for herself what all the fuss was about.  She brought her coworker, Janet from San Diego as well.  I met Allison, a pastor's wife, and her friends Beverly and Nancy.  They were there to check things out so that they could recruit women from their church to anchor the next Spark trip to Orlando this coming February.  I met Sue, an incredibly organized and talented cook who worked for hours on her feet preparing incredible meals for all of us.  I met Linda, a librarian from Plano, a grandmother with a heart of gold.  I met Cindy, an ex-con who wants to go to seminary.  I met Jennifer, a paralegal who moonlights as a photographer.  I met Stacy, a minister to person's with special needs with a gift for running sound equipment.  I met Sandra, a life coach with a single son who lives in Alaska. :-)  I met Ms. June, who shared her testimony about how God has become a husband to her since her own husband was tragically shot five years ago.  I met Julie, who is allowing God to heal her broken heart after addiction held her captive for years.  I met Amanda, who bravely told her story of shame and grace and repentance.  I met Kathryn, a brand new believer already learning how to serve.  And on and on and on ...

Each and every one of these women with a story and a heart to let the Lord use her however He sees fit.  It was the most beautiful picture of the Body of Christ I have yet to experience.  

#SparkLA2010 Day Four

Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!

How do I even begin to describe Sunday?

The food team went ahead of us, preparing a beautiful brunch for all of us.  The decorations team transformed our meeting room into a lovely banqueting place.  The women arrived, joyful, open, ready to receive whatever we had for them, faces glowing.  It was a complete transformation from the women we'd met first on Thursday.

As I looked at the extravagance around me, I began to pray earnestly that each of them would understand what it was all about.  It wasn't about our love for them, we hardly knew them.  I was desperate for them to understand that all of this, all we'd done for them all weekend long was but a picture of the extravagant love God has for them, the grace He lavishes upon them.

Our musical worship that morning was powerful.  The message of the Lord's Prayer woven with songs and testimony was undeniably annointed.  And, then we moved into our final small group time.  I asked them one question, "Tell me what you will remember about this weekend, a year from now when you've forgotten our names, what will you remember about this time we've had together?"  I was terrified that they'd say something about the gifts or the decorations or the silly games.

Juana went first.  "I will remember that yesterday, I gave my heart to Jesus."  And I cried because I realized at least one of them had gotten it.  Maria was next.  "I know that God wants to have a relationship with me, and it is time for me to draw near to Him."  Yesss!  I cried some more.  Edith told us, "I am beginning to believe that it's possible for someone to love me without wanting something from me, that there is a genuine Love out there."  More tears.  Amanda, one of our senior adults, shared that she would remember the hugs, that she really appreciated the physical touch of love we'd brought with us, and she considered that to be God's gift to her throughout the weekend.  My heart cracked.  At this point, there were two others still sharing, but Vanessa, who'd told me she didn't really do this church stuff, reached over and linked her arm through mine and lay her head on my shoulder.  When it was finally her turn she simply said, "I guess I've learned that maybe this God stuff is worth a try.  Maybe He is real."  I'll take it!

Our final act of service for the women was to put all of them in a circle and wrap a fleece blanket around their shoulders and pray over them.  It was joyful and tearful and simply beautiful.  I could think of no better way to release them.

#SparkLA2010 Day Three

Saturday morning, I sat up in bed and swung my legs over the side and stood up quickly, and suddenly realized I was virtually pain free.  There was still a twinge of pain here and there, but the constant throbbing spasm was gone, and I rejoiced!

On our way up into the mountains, I prayed that our ladies would meet the Mountain Mover.  Saturday was a great opportunity for us to get them away from their familiar environment, to leave their children with caregivers, and to really just pour into them without distraction.  We did crafts, then began a silly series of relay games, as a seasonally uncharacteristic rain began to fall.  It was the strangest thing.  There was blue sky all around us, but right over us, a large gray cloud camped, unmoving.  So, we gathered under some trees and began to just sing and laugh and wait.  We took down and set up sound equipment and towel dried chairs three times before the rain finally cleared and we were able to carry on with our plans.

The first thing we did was set the chairs up in a circle, with a second inner circle of chairs turned to face the outer circle.  Hope Gardens ladies sat on the outside with Spark ladies facing them.  We took out hand lotion and began to massage their hands as an act of service and an opportunity to visit with and pray for them individually.  Their surprise and delight was so much fun to see as they realized what we were doing.  A few ladies had their nails painted, and others received back/neck massages, too.  It was a great time.  Session 2 followed with singing and teaching from Psalm 139 and a testimony from one of our team members, a formerly incarcerated felon who is now living for and serving Jesus in Reno, NV.  Cindy's testimony was like a glue that pulled everything we'd been doing all weekend together.  Suddenly, we weren't just a bunch of crazy rich ladies in pink, we were women with stories of how God had delivered us through circumstances every bit as dark or difficult as theirs.

Our small group discussion that afternoon centered on God's grace and the importance of our obedience to His commandments, not because it earned us salvation but because it was our response to His great love for us.  The women shared from their various experiences, some having walked far with the Lord and others having walked far from Him.  One young girl told us, "I just don't really do this church thing."  And another gave her heart to the Lord that same day.  Mountains were definitely beginning to shift.

We closed out that great day with s'mores over a campfire and began to turn our hearts and thoughts toward our final times together on Sunday.

#SparkLA2010 Day Two

I woke up Friday morning still in a great deal of pain.  I moved slowly and carefully as I dressed and went downstairs to breakfast.  I repeated my request for prayers to friends back home.  Through prayer and through friends, the Lord repeatedly reminded me that He could change my circumstances or He could change me with the grace to endure them.  I was completely confident He would relieve me of that pain when He saw fit, and until such a time, I was determined to enjoy my day with the ladies of Hope Gardens.

My prayer for the ladies that day was that God would "show off."  I wanted Him to make His presence known to them and to us in grand and precious ways.  We lost cell service once we arrived at Hope Gardens each day, but the last "tweet" I saw before getting off the bus was a verse from Psalm 81 that says, "I am the Lord your God who brought you out of Egypt, open wide your mouth and I will fill it."  I had to smile as I remembered all the times the Lord has been faithful to "show off" with His extravagant love and grace.

As we pulled up to Hope Gardens, we had to laugh.  Right in front of the admin building sat several residents in pink Spark t-shirts smoking cigarettes and waiting for us to arrive.  It was a beautiful (and comical) sight!  That morning, we gave the ladies their folders for the weekend and divided them into teams, carefully fixing things so that our previously identified Spanish speakers all ended up in group "S". We were given supplies to decorate a team flag and about 20 minutes to come up with a team name and cheer.  It was quickly decided that we would be the "Super Sonadoras" (Super Dreamers) and our cheer was something hoping in Christ and jumping with Jesus.  Our cheer was a disaster, but we had so much fun making it up and performing it, nobody seemed to care.  Our ladies bonded quickly over their shared language barrier and seemed thrilled that Spark had brought 4 teammates who could communicate with them.

After lunch, we had our first worship time.  The spiritual battle in that room was almost unreal.  Women were coming and going throughout the music time, staff walkie-talkies sounding off, babies crying, and then Patti got up to teach and basically went temporarily blind, having to stop mid-thought, ask for more lighting, and take time out to pray again and settle into the lesson.  It was bizarre.  She presented a beautiful lesson to our ladies about the love of God and his care for them based out of Psalm 91.  And, then we had our first serious small group time.  Only four of our ladies stayed for the small group discussion, but their sharing was full of transparency, and I began to really long for each of them to encounter Jesus in a fresh way through our time together.  As we talked about the love of God and His unchanging nature despite all our shortcomings, I heard myself saying to the ladies, "You know, God has the power to change our circumstances, and sometimes, that's His way, but more often, it's His desire to change us through our circumstances."  I had to smile as I thought about the pain in my back and the grace (and Motrin!) He'd provided me throughout the day.

At dinner that night, I sat alone with a woman named Maria.  She shared with me about her two young children, and the poor relationship decisions she'd made that brought her to Hope Gardens, not just once but twice.  And, she mentioned at least two other shelters she'd been in previously.  Then, she dropped the real bomb on me.  She was 32 years old -- the age I'd just turned the day before.  The reality of her life nearly broke my heart.  I listened and affirmed the good choices she's made recently, but I went away with a heavy heart.

Friday night was reserved for "Sparky's Rootin' Tootin' Stampede", a variety show made up of skits put on by various Spark team members as well as some Hope Gardens residents.  Our first hurdle, though, was attempting to translate "Rootin' Tootin'"!  We had a big laugh over that one!

By the time we got on the bus that night, I was beginning to experience some relief from the pain in my back, and I slept really well that night.  This was a very good thing, since we were scheduled to spend nearly 2 hours on the bus Saturday morning heading to the Wrightwood Guest Ranch in the nearby mountains.

#SparkLA2010 Day One

I didn't plan to go on this Spark trip.  Even though I had an amazing time in Longview on last year's trip, October is a really bad time for me to be out of town, and I determinedly ignored the repeated email invitations I received to join this year's trip to Hope Gardens Family Center in Los Angeles.  Then, one morning in mid-September, I received a voicemail from Spark's founder, Molly Breitenfeld, telling me she'd been thinking of and praying for me and asking if I'd consider going to L.A. to lead a bilingual small group during the retreat weekend.  This piqued my interest.  A month later, I found myself boarding a plane with nearly 50 other women (there would be 53 total on our team) bound for Los Angeles.

We arrived mid-morning, ate a quick lunch at the hotel, dropped our stuff, and headed to Hope Gardens for "Sparky's Rockin' Rodeo" -- a night of outrageous fun designed for the mom's and their children.  Spark Ministry functions in teams.  We have prayer team, kitchen team, decorations team, gifts team, etc.  The Rodeo Team outdid themselves -- clowns, balloon animals, bounce houses, cotton candy (which I had up to my sleeves before I learned how to use the machine like a pro!), popcorn, snowcones, hot dogs, photo booths, stick ponies, line dancing, etc.  One of the case managers from Hope Gardens referred to us throughout the weekend as "Fun in a Box" and it was never more true than that first night.  We ended the evening with an important Spark tradition, "Spark in the Dark" where we turn out all the lights in a large room, pass out all kinds of glow in the dark toys, and turn up the dance music.  So. Much. Fun.

As we were putting stuff away that night and preparing for the next day, I hopped on the back of a golf cart and rode to the top of a bumpy hill.  I was fine when I got on the cart, but couldn't even stand up straight when I got off of it due to intense pain in my lower back.  It was frightening.  On the bus, my roommate for the weekend, who also happens to be a nurse, handed me some ibuprofen with water, and told me to sit still.  She carried my bag inside for me, and began the process of getting us checked into the hotel.

We had been assigned to a room with two other women, four of us total, sharing two double beds.  I was so tired and in so much pain and all I could think was, "we'll never get any sleep that way."  When we went back up to the front desk to inquire about the possibility of getting a room to ourselves, the lady initially told us the rate would be significantly higher since we would be out from under the Spark group rate, but she would check anyway.  When I gave her my name, she said, "Well, we already have a room reserved for you that nobody has checked into yet."  She rattled off a list of names that were supposed to be our roommates, and we said, "No, that's our small group."  She looked back and said, "Miss Horton, this room is here, under your name, with your group rate, and nobody else is claiming it."  I didn't argue any longer.  We took the keys and headed up the stairs - grateful beyond belief.  My sweet roommate spent some time massaging my aching back with muscle rub before we went to sleep, and I prayed fervently that I'd feel better in the morning ...

Jesus Saves

While God is infinitely creative expressions of grace, Satan is pitifully unimaginative in his ongoing attempts to mitigate the power of the Gospel in my life.  It struck me as sadly comical tonight as I was preparing for my latest adventure with Spark Ministry.  As I folded clothes and gathered toiletries and laid out travel documents, my thoughts were full of the same old doubts and inadequacies and self- ... well, just self.  Bluch!  It's such a frequent thought loop, you'd think I'd be onto his game by now, but unfortunately, I am a slow learner at times.

About the time I was ready to despair, a familiar song came to mind.  The words and melody swirling their way over all my foolish thinking.  Shane & Shane's "Embracing Accusation" ... Could the father of lies be telling the truth to me tonight?  ... Oh, the Devil's singing over me an age old song, That I am cursed and gone astray ... Singing the first verse so conveniently over me ... He's forgotten the refrain ... JESUS SAVES!


It's so true.  Those negative thoughts in my head are powerful because on some level they are all true.  I'm a mess.  I'm totally inadequate and ill-prepared and likely to fail epically on my own.  The problem is, those are only half-truths.  The bigger Truth is what really matters.  I am not on my own.  He who called me is faithful.  It is God who works in me both to will and to act according to His good pleasure.  He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it.  Jesus saves!  That's the power of the Gospel.

May the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen. 

Hebrews 13:20-21