Musician's Challenge

There's a song with lyrics that I love, but I can't find a version of it that I want to hear more than about once a week. (And, I've told you how much I love the "repeat" button!) So, I need you to go to iTunes, find the song "Let It Be Said of Us" and record it in a way that people will actually want to sing it. That is all.

Let it be said of us
That the Lord was our passion,
That with gladness we bore
Ev'ry cross we were given;

That we fought the good fight,
That we finished the course.
Knowing within us
the pow'r of the risen Lord.

Let the Cross be our glory
And the Lord be our song.
By mercy made holy
By the Spirit made strong.

Let the Cross be our glory
And the Lord be our song.
'Till the likeness of Jesus
Be thru us made known.

Let it be said of us:
We were marked by forgiveness.
We were known by our love,
And delighted in meekness.

We were ruled by His peace,
Heeding unity's call;
Joined as one body
that Christ would be seen by all.

Oh yeah, the original was written by Steve Fry.

Say

In honor of what is planned to be "The Best Week Ever" (Prison Break, Breakfast for Dinner, Rangers Baseball with [YOOJ] and friends, Pool Time, Cousin Company, John Mayer, and Colbie Caillat!!!) I am posting lyrics to my current favorite John Mayer song ...

SAY

Take all of your wasted honor.
Every little past frustration.
Take all of your so called problems,
Better put 'em in quotations.

Say what you need to say (x8)

Walkin' like a one man army,
Fightin' with the shadows in your head.
Livin' up the same old moment
Knowin' you'd be better off instead

If you could only...Say what you need to say (x8)

Have no fear for givin' in.
Have no fear for giving over.
You better know that in the end
It's better to say too much, than never to say what you need to say again.

Even if your hands are shaking,
And your faith is broken.
Even as the eyes are closin',
Do it with a heart wide open.

Say what you need to say (x7)

Say what you need to, Say what you need to...

Say what you need to say.

Quote

It's when we doubt that God is good that His commands become a burden. ~ Gregg Harris

Uncle Butch Quotes of the Day

I had lunch with Uncle Butch today. Yes, the same Uncle Butch we all thought might not live past May. He's alive and kicking, and as entertaining as ever. I will warn you up front that the quotes posted below do not reflect the views of the blogger, I'm only repeating what I heard over lunch today. If you're easily offended, I recommend you skip this post. Seriously.

#10. "I'm just like my sister." (If you know my mom, you know why this is funny.)

#9. B: When I go to a church and hear the preacher lyin' from the pulpit, I call him on it.
Me: When's the last time you went to church?
B: It's been a while.

#8. Me: I thought you weren't supposed to have any more red meat this week.
B: Yeah, but these are fajitas, they're already cut up.

#7. "I figure God left me here cause there's still about 5 billion people in the world I haven't pissed off yet."

#6. "I can't stand those damn homosexuals. I mean, I know my name's Butch, but ..."

#5. "If I put a bullet in my head every time I lost a job, I'd be a damn collander!"

#4. B: What's the word for me? You know, my peculiarities?
Me: Quirks?
B (not sounding satisfied): yeah ...
Me: Idiosyncrasies!
B: Yes! That's a great one! I like that one. That's a lot more syllables than the what people usually call me.
Me: Oh yeah? What's that?
B: Jack ass.

#3. "The doctors say I'm terminal. I told them, who isn't?"

#2. Me: Butch, when's the last time you cared what someone else thought?
B: Hmm, it's been a while. Maybe when I was 2?

#1. Me: Well, everyone knows what you're against, but what are you for?
B: I'm for making people think!

Vote for EFC

For those of you who don't know yet, my cousin is a rock star. I'm not bragging. He just is. He's amazing and talented and plays in a band. And he is quickly becoming more popular with my friends than I am. I'm okay with that. I think his music's more than good -- it's great. I want him to succeed. I think the world needs more music like THIS. That's why I'm telling you about him. He's got a SOLO PROJECT. He's also part of a band, ELEVEN FINGERED CHARLIE. Check them out. And, if you like their stuff (or if you just love me and want me to be happy), VOTE FOR THEM HERE.

Wii Box

It's all just talk ...

Today I got an email that made me nervous. It was a polite request for a meeting, but something about it raised a lot of questions and even alarms in my mind. Because I assumed I knew what the meeting would be about, I got angry. Then I got beligerent. I ranted for a while. I worried for a while. I huffed, and I puffed, and if there'd been anything wobbly nearby I'd have blown it down! As I sat in my chair, I caught sight of my cell phone from the corner of my eye. I love my cell phone cause my friends live in there. In a rush, I began to think about a variety of conversations I've had in the last two weeks with my friends. I thought about all of the things they are having to trust God for, and all of the times I have counseled them that trusting Him is the best and only way to weather life's storms. You can probably guess the next thought through my head. "Will you trust Me, Kristen?" Ah, man! I was busted. I had to run through a series of "But God's ..." before I finally surrendered. It's amazing what happens when you give to the Lord what's already His. I spent a little time telling Him how much I love the things I think might be threatened. I told him how scared I am of what the future might hold. I told him how nervous change and transition make me, especially when they come from so many angles all at once! I didn't hear any audible voice or have any real visions, but it wasn't hard for me to imagine my insanely patient, gracious heavenly Father nodding calmly as I listed each concern and saying simply, "I know."
He knows. He knew before the email came. It's all just talk until it's my turn to practice it, and I desperately want to live it well. So, I've given Him the email. I've given Him the meeting. I've given Him my future. (All things He already owned, of course!) Tonight, after a full day at work and three more hours at VBS, I finally had time to call a friend and give vent to all my concerns. You know what I found? I didn't have any. I got her on the phone, and I couldn't think of a worry one to tell her about. :-)
"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God, and the peace of God which passes all understanding will guard your heart and your mind in Christ Jesus." ~ Philippians 4:6-7

Boiling Frogs

This post must begin with a confession. I love pop culture. I am a sucker for countdowns of any kind. When I had cable, I was almost always tuned in to E! Entertainment News or whatever the current celeb-reality show was on VH1. If you give me a choice between Southern Living or People magazine while waiting for a my nail technician to get the pedicure water just the right temperature, I'm always picking People. Sometimes, my conscience gets the best of me, and I'll pick a news magazine over US or OK!, but not always. I have a cousin who prays for celebrities. She genuinely grieves when a celebrity marriage fails because she's honestly invested energy into praying for the couple. I'm not that good.

These are just the facts. You need to know this about me.

Not having cable has helped curb that appetite a lot. I don't have cable because I can't afford it, not because I'm trying to be holy or anything. I'm just saying ...

Anyway, about boiling frogs. It is said that if you place a frog in boiling water, he will hop right back out. But, if you place a frog in tepid water and slowly increase the temperature, he will adapt until he simply boils to death.

My love affair with pop culture has been much like boiling a frog I'm afraid, and it took leaving "civilization" for ten days to realize it. I was getting ready for work the other morning at my house, and the radio was on the top 40 station. I thoroughly enjoy their morning dj's, and I rarely pay attention to the lyrics of the songs until they're already stuck in my head. On this particular morning, there was a catchy song I didn't recognize playing when I turned off the hairdryer. For whatever reason, I actually listened to the lyrics. I got about two lines in before I ran for the buttons to change stations! It was so appalling to me. I was shocked, horrified, and disappointed that this station that makes me laugh so much in the mornings would make that song part of their format. I was indignant!

That indignation lasted about two seconds before conviction set in and the tender voice of the Holy Spirit showed me that my conscience had been slowly boiling to death for a long time now. The truth is that the song I turned off is appalling, but so are most of the others ones I don't turn off. The truth is that I should have been shocked and horrified that I let that trash into my room that morning, but the reality is that I'd been pumping a whole lot of other trash through those speakers for way too long.

For much of last week, there was a sentence that kept running through my mind, and I wanted to blog about it. "Sin is never the right way." It was the Holy Spirit's way of reminding me that sin is never justifiable, and it's never something that God can or will bless. In His grace, he doesn't drop me dead, but he could, and he'd be right to do so. This week, the thing that keeps running through my head, something that I'm going to have a much harder time really heeding, is "Sin is not funny." I know many of you are thinking, "Well, duh, Kristen." And maybe you have a much healthier conscience and sense of humor than I do. If that's the case, I am so glad for you. The truth is, I don't. I laugh at all the wrong things. I am not easily offended. I am quick to forget that a Holy Spirit dwells in me and is grieved by anything that is dishonoring to the Lord or separating God from the world He sent His Son to save. The truth is I rarely change the channel be it on the radio or the television. And, the truth is, I should. A lot more often than I do.

There is an old joke about Baptists and beer. It says don't take one Baptist fishing with you cause he'll drink all your beer. Take two. They'll never touch the stuff.

I think that's a lot like the way I approach pop culture. If you were sitting in my car, in my home, in my room with me and something like that came on the airwaves, I'd pretend to be horrified, and I'd quickly switch it something more edifying. But, when you're not there to watch me pretend to be holy, most of the time I don't bother. I just let it play and pretend like I'm not boiling.

God, give me stronger convictions. Teach me to love what you love and to hate what you hate. Make me aware of and sensitive to things that grieve your Holy Spirit. Forgive me for allowing myself to be so comfortable in such slowly boiling water. Give me courage to jump out before the temperature can be turned up another notch.

My Daddy, My Daddy, My Sweet Sweet Daddy!

Someday (hopefully sooner than later) I plan to write a book called "Daddy's Girl" and include pictures like these, not just from my own collection, but also from my friends, along with stories about girls and their daddies. The idea first came to me about two years ago when sweet friends were expecting their first child. Upon finding out that they were expecting a little girl, he seemed distraught. "What am I going to do with a girl?" I laughed. Hard. (I know that's tough to imagine, but ...) I laughed because according to my grandmother, it's exactly what my dad said the day I was born. The doctor had been so sure they were expecting "Jonathan Fain Eugene" and out came "Kristen Rea." Nana says Daddy, the football coach, walked into the waiting room with a stunned look on his face and said very slowly, "It's a girl. What do you do with a girl?" :-) I sat with my friends that day and began telling stories of things that made my relationship with my daddy special and talking about all of the wonderful opportunities he would have as a daddy to create special memories with his little girl.

I haven't written the book, but I did come across these pictures the other day. David Horton is the finest man I know. The man that the world sees and knows and loves is the same man at home. He's full of integrity, gives wise and godly counsel ("Do what you know to be right."), has an incredibly tender heart of compassion (that is often hidden by the way he laughs when people get hurt), is gifted with an ability to put others at ease in almost any situation, and for 32 years has done the best thing any father can do for a child -- he loves my mom!

Happy Father's Day, Daddy. I love you.

When It Seems Easier Not to Believe

I had a conversation last week with a friend who calls himself a skeptic/atheist. He wants to question God about why things have happened in his life, but he's not entirely certain there is a God to be questioned.

This was a difficult conversation for me because everything in me wanted to defend God. How dare he not believe in the Almighty? How dare he not trust God's divine providence? How dare he question God's goodness? The funny thing is, whether blatantly or inadvertantly, I am fairly certain I pose a lot of the same questions on a frequent basis in my own heart and mind.

Believing God isn't always easy.

As I thought about all that this friend has experienced, and I reflected back on painful seasons in my own life, I realized that sometimes it really does seem easier not to believe.

I wrote a few weeks ago about Habakkuk. I'm preparing to teach Habakkuk 2 tomorrow night, and I'm increasingly intrigued by the prophet's relationship with God. The prophet asked honest questions, rooted in his knowledge of and confidence in God's character. God answered with a vision. Only, it wasn't the vision of the end, it was a vision of the middle of things. It wasn't the picture of God and His people triumphing. It was a picture of evil men overtaking God's people, followed by a picture of the same evil men being destroyed by their own pride. It was ugly and dark and terrifying. And, still, Habakkuk responds with praise. And, I am challenged. Will I do the same?

Sometimes, particularly in the darkness where daily life feels like an open wound being opened and salted repeatedly until we become blinded and numb by grief and pain, when evil appears to triumph over good, and the Rescuer is nowhere in sight, it seems easier not to believe. Isn't it easier to believe that there's Nobody or Nothing out there than to have to cling desperately to the belief that an all-knowing, all-powerful, sovereign God not only allowed our circumstances but has not chosen to change them?

I remember clearly the day I cried out to Him in anguish, telling Him how I wished He wasn't there, so I wouldn't feel so angry and betrayed by what He hadn't done. Scripture likens that conversation to the clay calling out to the potter, and it's truly laughable now, but it was no laughable matter at the time.

Here's some of what I learned from that place.

A) God does ordain darkness. There are times when He allows His children to walk through dark places for a variety of reasons. Isaiah 50:10 says, "Let Him who walks in darkness and has no light trust in the name of the Lord and rely on His God."

B) God never leaves us in the darkness. His silence does not equal His absence.

C) God and I have different definitions of good. Psalm 73:28, "But as for me, the nearness of God is my good." Psalm 34:18, "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 119:71, "It is good for me that I was afflicted, that I might learn your statutes."

D) God's heart is always for my good. God has never allowed anything into my life that He could not make beautiful when surrendered to His skillful, loving hand. Ephesians 2:10, "For we are God's workmanship created in Christ Jesus for good works which God prepared in advance for us to do."

E) He who gave His son for me, will never withhold any good thing from me. Romans 8:31-32, "What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who is against us? He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him over for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things?"

I've been thinking a lot lately about the power of personal testimony. A very wise friend spoke to me as I was coming out of that dark season saying, "Kristen, don't you think it's important when you look people in the eye and speak to them of God's faithfulness that there be something deep inside you that is able to communicate that with the conviction of experiential knowledge?" She was so right. I sit across my desk every day from broken women, and I can tell them with utter confidence that my God is mighty to save. I can look directly into the eyes of a friend steeped in dark pain and confidently tell him that God is near, and He is good.

Yes, there are times I admit it seems easier not to believe. But, the despair of that state of mind is intolerable. I choose the more difficult road of belief because hope sustains me. "Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail." Lamentations 3:22

Quote

God cannot give us happiness and peace apart from Himself because it is not there. There is no such thing. ~ C.S. Lewis

Change?

I returned to DFW from 10 days in Peru on Sunday afternoon. Our plane landed about 11:30 a.m. By the time we dropped off film, ate lunch, picked up film, and got home it was 2:00 p.m. I enjoyed a leisurely soak in the tub, then got busy uploading pictures and journaling. Friends brought dinner over around 5:30, and we visited, looked at pics and souvenirs until 9:00. I went to bed at 9:45, woke just before 6:00 a.m. on Monday morning, and I was at my desk by 8:00. I worked, I ran errands, I had dinner with friends, I went to bed. I told everyone I was "fine" and I joked about how quickly I was diving back into life here. This morning, I woke much more slowly, and I took a long look at myself in the mirror as I prepared for work. I went through the motions of fixing my hair and putting on makeup (simple routines), but nothing felt the same. It seemed strange to put on make up, to spend time curling my hair, to search for earring to match my blouse. I thought to myself, "Did that trip really change me this much?" It nagged at me. Then, I headed into the kitchen and grabbed my usual Pop-Tart breakfast, and I thought, "Nah, it didn't change me that much," with a smirk. However, as I got in my car and drove to the office, I couldn't decide if I was more concerned that the trip had changed me or worried that maybe it hadn't. I know there are things about me that needed to be changed, and I want them to be different. I don't want to be the same as I was before I experienced a week in the jungle. I shouldn't be the same.

The two greatest things about my trip that I can identify so far are very simple things. 1) Not once during the entire time I was gone did I find myself doubting God's goodness, questioning His faithfulness, or wondering if His plan for my life really was a good one. I didn't worry about anything or question whether or not He really would show up in the places we visited each day. His presence was as real to me as the keys I'm typing on now, and as natural as the breaths that are sustaining me even now. 2) The gospel became simple again. As I translated a sermon one afternoon, and as I visited with a new believer on another occassion, I realized just how good the Good News is. 4 1/2 years of seminary education and a lifetime of Baptist politics had complicated things in my head. But, in the jungle, where people are literally dying for Hope, the simplicity of God's love story was stunning.

The IMB estimates that there are some 340,000 people in the Amazon River Basin who have yet to hear the gospel, who simply do not have access to the gospel because of their location. Yet, for some unknown reason, God has seen fit to make himself known in seven tiny Yagua villages along that mighty river's shores. And, the most confounding thing to me, He's seen fit to allow us to be a part of that glorious revelation.

The jungle was not easy to get to and my favorite place to stay. 10 hours in three different planes, another 10 hours in a motor boat, mosquitoes, biting flies, chiggars, spiders, unsanitary water, suffocating heat and humidity, cold showers (when showers were available at all), mud everywhere, and plenty of unidentifiable foods. Did I mention the hammocks? Or the roosters? The lack of electricity? Oh! let's not forget the monkeys! And yet, after all of that, something in me still thrills at the thought of it all. Something God-sized is happening in that jungle, and for five days, I got to be part of it.

Yes, I think it's fairly certain that it's changed me. I hope it's a permanent change.

Home again, home again!

I'm back from Peru. My notes from that trip are at www.reapperu.wordpress.com, but you can see pics here. I hope to have some entries up soon as I begin processing the things God taught me personally. This morning however, we have a new CCWJC class to kick off, and my head is spinning from the speed of the shift back into life here!

Peru Team Blog

www.reapperu.wordpress.com

Sometimes You Gotta Take a Step Back

I got sick last week. Wednesday night to be exact. I went to bed feeling queasy and woke up a number of times throughout the evening. I made it to work on Thursday morning, but I was very weak, and I went home right after lunch. I stayed home on Friday, dragged myself to Plano on Saturday, let my mama and daddy take care of me all weekend, and didn't really feel completely well until this morning. In that time, I received a number of phone calls, text messages, and emails that were not urgent and did not demand a response. Normally, I would have answered/responded anyway, just because that's who I am and how I do things. But, there was just no excess energy to do more than was absolutely necessary. Because of that, it was almost as though I got to enjoy my friendships from a distance. Instead of worrying about coming up with quick and witty responses, I got to just grin and appreciate the comedy of those who love me. Instead of casting about for something to offer people, I was able to just be -- and to realize that sometimes, that's enough. Instead of being so close, so right in the middle of my friends and the happenings of their daily lives, I got to take a step back. And, you know what I realized? I am absolutely crazy about them! I mean, 100% certifiably nuts about the zany, ecclectic group of people God lets me do life with. In fact, I was so captivated by this thought that I went back through my old emails and found one Ginger wrote nearly a year ago outlining her love for a number of her dear friends and was seriously tempted to try my own hand at such a list. However, I just don't know where to start or how to stop once I get going, so I will refrain for now. Today, it will simply have to be enough for me to tell you how blessed I feel, how my heart and mind overflow with thanksgiving for God's creativity. He knew I needed you, knows I need you, and sometimes, it's good to take a step back in order to see His wisdom in that more plainly.

If He Can Use Me, You Better Watch Out!

I leave for Peru next week. I will be traveling with five others into the Amazonian jungle for the purpose of strengthening and encouraging the young believers there, teaching them about baptism and the Lord's Supper. I am so excited, but I've also been very nervous.

Yes, I have a degree in Spanish. Yes, I survived three months in Mexico a few years ago. Yes, I use my Spanish pretty often in my work here. But still. Me? Really? Surely, there's someone else, someone better. Surely.

I tried to explain all of this to God. I tried to tell Him that He has picked the wrong girl. I tried to help Him see and understand all the benefits of picking a better missionary. But, He just said, "Go."

So, I'm writing to warn you. If He can use me, you better watch out. I'm pretty sure He can use ANYone!

At least I'm in good company with all these doubts and fears. Check out the prophet Jeremiah's calling:

Jeremiah 1:4-10

4 The word of the LORD came to me, saying,
5 "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,
before you were born I set you apart;
I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."

6 "Ah, Sovereign LORD," I said, "I do not know how to speak; I am only a child."

7 But the LORD said to me, "Do not say, 'I am only a child.' You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. 8 Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you," declares the LORD.

9 Then the LORD reached out his hand and touched my mouth and said to me, "Now, I have put my words in your mouth. 10 See, today I appoint you over nations and kingdoms to uproot and tear down, to destroy and overthrow, to build and to plant."

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus

I'm having the GIRLiest of days! My brain is exhausted from constantly having to battle the lies in my head about myself, about others and their perceptions of me, even about my future. My eyes are constantly tearing up over one thing or another. My emotions seem to magnify all of life in every way. And, my pretty new skirt got rained on this morning. It's not even 10:00 a.m., and this day is off to a very rough start. After I'd poured all of my woes out before the Lord this morning, there was only one song lyric stuck in my head.

"Jesus, Jesus, Jesus,
Sweetest name I know!
Fills my every longing,
Keeps me singing as I go!"

Do you know that it's virtually impossible to stay in a funk while singing that song? Try it. Trust me. Impossible.

"The Lord is my strength and my shield;
My heart trusts in Him, and I am helped;
Therefore my heart exults,
and with my song I shall thank Him." (Psalm 28:7)

A Fresh Perspective from a New Translation

"Was it in anger, LORD, that you struck the rivers and parted the sea?
Were you displeased with them?
No, you were sending your chariots of salvation!"

Habakkuk 3:3-15 records the prophet's vision of God coming to rescue His people from the evil Babylonians. It's a terrifying picture of the LORD's wrath against an evil people, including phrases about pestilence and plagues, earthquakes, shattered mountains, leveled hills, raging waters, and trampled nations. Yet, right smack dab in the middle of this terrifying vision, I read verse 8 as though for the first time today.

Earlier in the book, God tells Habakkuk to watch for His answer to the evil in the world, but to understand that even if God told him what was coming, he wouldn't believe it. So, then the prophet gets a vision, sees it happening, and it's terrible. It's God, the Holy One, the Enthroned One marching across the earth and destruction seems to preceed as well as follow His every step. Then, somewhere in the middle of it, the prophet remembers the purpose of this terrifying tirade. "You were sending your chariots of salvation." In verse 13 he writes, "You went out to rescue your chosen people, to save your anointed ones."

Words are failing me today. I am not coming close to adequately conveying what I want you to get. You see, lately, whether in my own life or the lives of people very near and dear to me, there seems to be a lot of destruction. Loss. Hurt. Devastation. Pain. Grief. Brokenness. And, many many times, I have thrown my hands in the air in utter defeat and surrender, confessing that I do not get it. All I can see is the awful.

This morning, I prayed that God would help me keep my gaze fixed on Him, that I would not lose sight of His radiant countenance in the midst of all that swirls around me. I confessed that I have failed miserably at this over and over again, and that only if He helps me do I stand a chance of getting it right. I'm no prophetess, but as I read Habakkuk's vision today, it was as if the Lord spoke sweetly to my heart from Isaiah 55.

“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord.
"And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.
For just as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so my ways are higher than your ways
and my thoughts higher than your thoughts."

Reading Habakkuk 3:8 and 13 in the midst of the rest of the passage today felt like unlocking the mystery of Habakkuk's confidence in the rest of the chapter. Habakkuk understood God's purpose. He believe God's ultimate plan was to rescue His people. He knew that no matter what happened, "barren fig trees, failing crops, thinning herds, etc.," God's purpose for His people would not be, could not be thwarted, and it might just be that Divine purpose was being accomplished by what appeared to be desolation.

When You Tell Me I Love You

I heard it again today. "You know you love me because..." I'm sure I've said it - more than a few times. But, today, I heard it. I really heard it. I think it struck me this time because of who said it. Truth be told, he probably isn't entirely sure I do love him, and since I'm a little stingy with the "L" word, I am certain I've never told him. Not only did he say it, he made up his own reason for me to love him and informed me, not only that I do love him, but why I love him.

I think it's always the why that's the most interesting to me. It's as though someone is telling me what I should find worthwhile about them. The thing is, they rarely nail it. Rarely does someone say to me, "You know you love me because ..." and finish the statement with anything resembling the true source of my commitmentfondness/affection/willingness to sacrifice for them. And, as my initial amusement fades, I feel a little sad. At the risk of unnecessarily turning a very comical moment into a very weighty one, I am tempted to push "pause" on the conversation. I want to gently pull the person near me, turn their face until I'm certain he or she is really listening, then tell them what they're worth to me.

Only, I don't do it. A) I hate ruining a funny moment. B) I don't have words for those things. Are you kidding me?

There was a running joke/argument in my life a while back that had to do with whether or not love has to cost you something to be proven. I argued that a truly worthwhile love must cost you something. And, a fairly new acquaintance in my life at the time made it his ambition to be certain loving him cost me something. This provided no small amount of entertainment for others around us since that person determined that the fastest way to prove my love was to annoy or embarrass me at every opportunity. This went on for a number of weeks, finally culminating in an exasperated exclamation -- "How are you ever going to love me if you can't get mad at me?!" He was still teasing, but how many times I've thought about that exclamation.

The truth is, he was right. I don't get mad at people I don't love. I don't have enough invested in them to get angry. The truth is, I don't cry over the words of people I don't love. I don't have enough invested in them to care what they think. The truth is, I don't confront people I don't love. I don't have enough invested in them to see their wrongs much less desire to see them corrected. So, for those of you out there wondering if I love you, it would seem that the questions to ask yourself might be: Has she ever been angry with me? Have I ever made her cry? Has she ever sat me down for coffee and difficult conversation?

There's the if ... but what about the why?

For me, love is about two words: commitment and investment. Initially, as I enter into any sort of relationship with you, my love is a commitment. I decided to "do life" with you in some form or fashion, and I'm committed to doing it well. I love you, but it's not really rooted in anything except our shared circumstances. The girls who come to [YOOJ] might understand this best. From the first or second time they visit, they'll start receiving emails and texts from me (usually to the group, occassionally personal) and they're almost always signed "Love." The newest girls, I love based on the committment I've made to act in a loving way toward anyone who becomes part of that group. The girls who've been there longer, I love because of the investment my initial commitment has cost me. We've been together for over a year and a half, doing life together week in and week out. Laughing, crying, laboring in prayer, studying scripture, serving each other and the Body. I am deeply invested in their lives. Occassionally, it is one of these women who says to me, "You know you love me because ..." and I can honestly say that no matter how she finishes that sentence, it will sound trite in comparison to the depth of love achored deep within me for her.

So, go ahead, feel free to tell me that I love you and why. Just know, you probably have no idea how right and how wrong you are. ;-)

I Still Don't Get It

He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation. For by Him all things were created, both in the heavens and on earh, visitible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions, or rulers, or authorities - all things have been created through Him and for Him. He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together. Colossians 1:15-16

Majesty escapes me. I don't get it. I still come to him, rambling, about things I think I might want, but not measuring my words very carefully. I pray as though He is only half-listening the way I often only half-worship.

This morning as I brought my petitions before the Lord, I was reminded of this passage from Colossians. Reminded that when I come before the Father in the Name of Jesus, I have gained access to One who moves heaven and earth ... literally. I was reminded that while I may be easily distracted, weak-willed, and feable-minded, He has promised His full attention. He has promised that when I ask anything in His Name according to His will, He hears me.

I rearranged my prayer list this morning. First, I gave it a title, "Things I'm Trusting You to Provide." Then, I tried very hard to focus on each request, acknowleding that it was something only He could do and committing to trust Him for it rather than worrying about it in the days ahead.

I practiced praying as though I really believed He was listening. A novel concept, huh?