32 and 55

August 7 is a special day in my family. It represents a wedding anniversary for my parents ... and my grandparents. I don't usually get too involved in celebrating either of them, generally a phone call will suffice, occassionally I get a card in the mail on time. My parents and I are not particulalry sentimental folks, so most of the time my phone call includes thanking them for putting up with each other so I could have a stable homelife or something that completely understates the significance of what their constant and faithful love for one another has provided for me.
Today, as I turned the page on my calendar, I felt like taking a little more time to stop and reflect on 32 and 55. 32 years is how long my parents have been married. 55 years is how long my grandparents have been married. That's a lot of years.
My friends and I joke that my parents in particular, are freakishly in love. It's not that they're overly affectionate or awkward to be around. They're actually very pleasant people and a lot of fun to be around. The freakish part comes in when you realize that not only have they been married to each other for 32 years, but they've been working for the same company (often carpooling to work with each other) for at least 18 of those years! And, when they get involved in stuff at church, it's always as a couple. They travel together, too, by themselves, for fun! And, you're just gonna have to take my word for it as someone who's been on the inside -- they're not even putting on a show. They genuinely enjoy being together, are kind and respectful toward one another, and daily live out one of the best pictures of marriage I can think of outside of scripture. And, stranger than any of that is that it's not forced. It's just the way they do life.
I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I mean, how is it that this seems to come so naturally for my folks, but people all over the world have found it so difficult? What am I not seeing? The truth is, I'm sure there's plenty I'm not seeing, but I'll tell you what I do see. I've often credited my dad with teaching me to "do what you know to be right." I don't know that I've ever heard my mom say those words unless she was quoting my dad, but I've seen her live them almost daily. This is the conclusion I've come to. 32 years ago my parents made a committment before God, one another, and everyone who loved them that they were going to love one another well for the rest of their lives. And, to the very best of their ability and with a lot of looking to the Lord for guidance, I believe they've taken that commitment seriously. I'm sure they could tell us stories of times they've fought for that happiness, fought for peace with one another. I'm sure they could tell us of difficult lessons they've learned along the way and how they've wrestled with consciously choosing to consider each other above themselves. But, somehow, they decided it was worth it. At some point, whether it was on that day 32 years ago, or maybe some other point since then, they decided that the reward was far greater than the struggle.
I started to try and list for you some of the rewards of that choice, but I don't think I can. It's not my marriage. I can tell you what their marriage means to me, but that's such a small piece of the overall rewards. I can tell you that just a few years ago, I sat in a room full of young couples who'd been touched by their lives and listened to story after story after story of families that were edified and encouraged because of the wisdom and example of my parents. I've never been more proud than I was that night.
Mama and Daddy, on your 32nd wedding anniversary, without a lick of sarcasm or humorous understatement, I want to publicly say the biggest thank you I can muster. Thank you for choosing to love. Thank you for setting an unbelievable example. Thank you for being "freakishly in love." Thank you for always putting each other first and never letting me sit in the middle. ;-)

A Quote from Spurgeon

I finished reading Get Out of That Pit by Beth Moore this morning. She closes her final chapter with these words from Charles Spurgeon, and they've spoken to my soul today.

He bids me "Rise up," and well He may, for I have long enough been lying among the pots of worldliness. He is risen, I am risen in Him, why then should I cleave unto the dust? From lower loves, desires, pursuits, and aspirations. I would rise towards Him ... But Lord, how can a stone rise, how can a lump of clay come away from the horrible pit? O raise me, draw me. They grace can do it. Send forth Thy Holy Spirit to kindle sacred flames of love in my heart, and I will conitnue to rise until I leave life and time behind me, and indeed come away.

The Lord Has Done Great Things For Us!

100. I am thankful for a beautiful home where I feel safe, share space with a dear friend, and have the pleasure of demonstrating hospitality often.
99. I am thankful for a job that is the answer to prayers I didn't even know how to put into words.
98. I am thankful for a God who allows me to experience a dynamic relationship with Him, frequently revealing Himself to me in new ways as I grow in knowledge and understanding of His Word.
97. I am thankful for a family that knows and follows hard after God. I love that we love to be together.
96. I am thankful that things rarely stay as they are, that in Christ, no situation is hopeless.
95. I am thankful for a church where I have had the privilege of worshipping consistently for six years now, for a faith family that has nurtured my gifts and supported my calling.
94. I am thankful for the ability to love deeply, even when it hurts. Sometimes caring about others is painful, but it beats the numbness I've been all to familiar with in the past.
93. I am thankful that I live in an age of air conditioning. ;-)
92. I am thankful for the freedom to work out my salvation with fear and trembling.
91. I am thankful that God gives me people to hold my hand along the journey.
90. I am thankful that I know what it is to weep with those who weep and rejoice with those who rejoice.
89. I am thankful for the age of internet communication and the ability to keep in touch with so many friends spread out all over the world.
88. I am thankful that mercy is new every morning.
87. I am thankful for Papa's example of grace.
86. I am thankful that love keeps no record of wrongs.
85. I am thankful that my Redeemer is faithful and true.
84. I am thankful for the gift of laughter.
83. I am thankful for friends who care about enough to know my favorite things.
82. I am thankful for cousins who've become my best friends.
81. I am thankful for my health and how rarely I have to think about it.
80. I am thankful for God's provision in my life, how He continually proves Himself faithful to supply all my needs.
79. I am thankful that I know God is who He says He is and can do what He says He can do.
78. I am thankful that my best friend would answer the phone right now if I called her.
77. I am thankful that my parents have been such an amazing testimony of God's goodness in my life.
76. I am thankful for the women who have poured themselves into my life over the years, adding their wisdom, their love for the Lord, their fervent prayers to my journey.
75. I am thankful that God does not waste a thing.
74. I am thankful that Mimi made me learn to type when I was young.
73. I am thankful that Grandmother lived till I was grown.
72. I am thankful that when I call to Him, God answers.
71. I am thankful that God faithfully leads us beside still waters.
70. I am thankful that God is ridiculously kind to us and extravagantly generous.
69. I am thankful for the godly men who've been a part of my life and treated me with dignity I didn't always deserve.
68. I am thankful that Austin's only 3 hours away, and I get to visit there soon.
67. I am thankful that God always makes a way where there seems to be no way.
66. I am thankful I prayed boldly when I was younger.
65. I am thankful for the people who taught me to pray boldly.
64. I am thankful that I don't have to wait till November to give thanks.
63. I am thankful for others who blog, so I can learn from their experiences.
62. I am thankful for others who don't blog, who are content to listen or read while the rest of us verbally process.
61. I am thankful for friends who have the gift of loving loyally.
60. I am thakful for those who always believe the best.
59. I am thankful that repentance is always available and always my best option.
58. I am thankful Nana taught me to love vegetables and fresh fruit.
57. I am thankful my Mom is such a classy woman of integrity who never gave up on teaching me things that she believed were best for me.
56. I am thankful for every opportunity I've had to see the world from other vantage points.
55. I am thankful I always get to come home to Texas.
54. I am thankful for the education I've been provided, and the life lessons I learned along the way.
53. I am thankful that salvation is by grace through faith, not of myself.
52. I am thankful that when I look someone who is hurting from a broken heart in the eye and tell them that it does get better, I can say it with confidence, from experience.
51. I am thankful for friends who let me make their homes my own personal refuge, and welcome me into their families from time to time.
50. I am thankful that God invented sleep to recharge my batteries.
49. I am thankful that airplanes make long distance visits possible.
48. I am thankful that there's always room in my life for new friends, even when I don't realize I need them.
47. I am thankful that sometimes old friends become new again.
46. I am thankful that there are seasons.
45. I am thankful for the times I sit in awed silence at how wonderfully well God does things.
44. I am thankful that I've had the opportunity to "do life" with 8 amazing women for the last two years.
43. I am thankful for a boss who lives out his strong convictions on a daily basis and makes a difference in the lives of more people than we will ever know on earth.
42. I am thankful for how the Lord puts people in our lives who have a word of grace just when we need to hear it.
41. I am thankful that sometimes God sends people who take care of me, especially when I've worn myself thin trying to take care of others.
40. I am thankful that in every season of life, God's given me enough why's to keep me living for the next season.
39. I am thankful that I could feed of His faithfulness for the rest of my life just based on the things He's done up to now.
38. I am thankful that my family was spared any permanent damage from the recent hurricane.
37. I am thankful for how God gifts each of His children uniquely then puts us all together to learn from one another.
36. I am thankful no two snowflakes are the same.
35. I am thankful that those who look to Him are radiant and their faces are never covered in shame.
34. I am thankful that He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it.
33. I am thankful that joy comes in the morning.
32. I am thankful that all of God's promises are Yes and Amen in Christ.
31. I am thankful that greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world.
30. I am thankful that perfect love casts out all fear.
29. I am thankful that when we confess our sin He is faithful and just to forgive us our sin and to purify us from all unrighteousness.
28. I am thankful that when I call on Him, He will answer me and show me great and mighty things which I have not known.
27. I am thankful that when I choose not to worry about anything but pray about everything, He guards my heart and mind in Christ Jesus.
26. I am thankful that there is victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.
25. I am thankful that all who call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
24. I am thankful that it is He who fights for me; I need only be still.
23. I am thankful that the Lord is my rock and my refuge, a very present help in times of trouble.
22. I am thankful that God is my glory and the lifter of my head.
21. I am thankful that God loved the world so much that He gave His one and only Son that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish but have ever lasting life.
20. I am thankful that His Word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path.
19. I am thankful that Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life.
18. I am thankful that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.
17. I am thankful that by His stripes, I am healed.
16. I am thankful that the Lord longs to be gracious to me, He rises to show me compassion.
15. I am thankful that when all is barren, He is worthy to be praised.
14. I am thankful that I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
13. I am thankful that joy comes in the morning.
12. I am thankful that he who sows in tears shall reap with joy.
11. I am thankful that God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
10. I am thankful that I was afflicted that I might learn His statutes.
9. I am thankful that I have whatever I ask according to His name.
8. I am thankful that when two or more are gathered in His name, He is there with us.
7. I am thankful that blessed is the man whose God is the Lord.
6. I am thankful that there is no want for the man who fears the Lord.
5. I am thankful to taste and see that God is good.
4. I am thankful that we are his flock, the sheep of his pasture.
3. I am thankful that He owns the cattle on a thousand hills.
2. I am thankful that He is rich in mercy.
1. I am thankful that He is doing a new thing.

Musician's Challenge

There's a song with lyrics that I love, but I can't find a version of it that I want to hear more than about once a week. (And, I've told you how much I love the "repeat" button!) So, I need you to go to iTunes, find the song "Let It Be Said of Us" and record it in a way that people will actually want to sing it. That is all.

Let it be said of us
That the Lord was our passion,
That with gladness we bore
Ev'ry cross we were given;

That we fought the good fight,
That we finished the course.
Knowing within us
the pow'r of the risen Lord.

Let the Cross be our glory
And the Lord be our song.
By mercy made holy
By the Spirit made strong.

Let the Cross be our glory
And the Lord be our song.
'Till the likeness of Jesus
Be thru us made known.

Let it be said of us:
We were marked by forgiveness.
We were known by our love,
And delighted in meekness.

We were ruled by His peace,
Heeding unity's call;
Joined as one body
that Christ would be seen by all.

Oh yeah, the original was written by Steve Fry.

Say

In honor of what is planned to be "The Best Week Ever" (Prison Break, Breakfast for Dinner, Rangers Baseball with [YOOJ] and friends, Pool Time, Cousin Company, John Mayer, and Colbie Caillat!!!) I am posting lyrics to my current favorite John Mayer song ...

SAY

Take all of your wasted honor.
Every little past frustration.
Take all of your so called problems,
Better put 'em in quotations.

Say what you need to say (x8)

Walkin' like a one man army,
Fightin' with the shadows in your head.
Livin' up the same old moment
Knowin' you'd be better off instead

If you could only...Say what you need to say (x8)

Have no fear for givin' in.
Have no fear for giving over.
You better know that in the end
It's better to say too much, than never to say what you need to say again.

Even if your hands are shaking,
And your faith is broken.
Even as the eyes are closin',
Do it with a heart wide open.

Say what you need to say (x7)

Say what you need to, Say what you need to...

Say what you need to say.

Quote

It's when we doubt that God is good that His commands become a burden. ~ Gregg Harris

Uncle Butch Quotes of the Day

I had lunch with Uncle Butch today. Yes, the same Uncle Butch we all thought might not live past May. He's alive and kicking, and as entertaining as ever. I will warn you up front that the quotes posted below do not reflect the views of the blogger, I'm only repeating what I heard over lunch today. If you're easily offended, I recommend you skip this post. Seriously.

#10. "I'm just like my sister." (If you know my mom, you know why this is funny.)

#9. B: When I go to a church and hear the preacher lyin' from the pulpit, I call him on it.
Me: When's the last time you went to church?
B: It's been a while.

#8. Me: I thought you weren't supposed to have any more red meat this week.
B: Yeah, but these are fajitas, they're already cut up.

#7. "I figure God left me here cause there's still about 5 billion people in the world I haven't pissed off yet."

#6. "I can't stand those damn homosexuals. I mean, I know my name's Butch, but ..."

#5. "If I put a bullet in my head every time I lost a job, I'd be a damn collander!"

#4. B: What's the word for me? You know, my peculiarities?
Me: Quirks?
B (not sounding satisfied): yeah ...
Me: Idiosyncrasies!
B: Yes! That's a great one! I like that one. That's a lot more syllables than the what people usually call me.
Me: Oh yeah? What's that?
B: Jack ass.

#3. "The doctors say I'm terminal. I told them, who isn't?"

#2. Me: Butch, when's the last time you cared what someone else thought?
B: Hmm, it's been a while. Maybe when I was 2?

#1. Me: Well, everyone knows what you're against, but what are you for?
B: I'm for making people think!

Vote for EFC

For those of you who don't know yet, my cousin is a rock star. I'm not bragging. He just is. He's amazing and talented and plays in a band. And he is quickly becoming more popular with my friends than I am. I'm okay with that. I think his music's more than good -- it's great. I want him to succeed. I think the world needs more music like THIS. That's why I'm telling you about him. He's got a SOLO PROJECT. He's also part of a band, ELEVEN FINGERED CHARLIE. Check them out. And, if you like their stuff (or if you just love me and want me to be happy), VOTE FOR THEM HERE.

Wii Box

It's all just talk ...

Today I got an email that made me nervous. It was a polite request for a meeting, but something about it raised a lot of questions and even alarms in my mind. Because I assumed I knew what the meeting would be about, I got angry. Then I got beligerent. I ranted for a while. I worried for a while. I huffed, and I puffed, and if there'd been anything wobbly nearby I'd have blown it down! As I sat in my chair, I caught sight of my cell phone from the corner of my eye. I love my cell phone cause my friends live in there. In a rush, I began to think about a variety of conversations I've had in the last two weeks with my friends. I thought about all of the things they are having to trust God for, and all of the times I have counseled them that trusting Him is the best and only way to weather life's storms. You can probably guess the next thought through my head. "Will you trust Me, Kristen?" Ah, man! I was busted. I had to run through a series of "But God's ..." before I finally surrendered. It's amazing what happens when you give to the Lord what's already His. I spent a little time telling Him how much I love the things I think might be threatened. I told him how scared I am of what the future might hold. I told him how nervous change and transition make me, especially when they come from so many angles all at once! I didn't hear any audible voice or have any real visions, but it wasn't hard for me to imagine my insanely patient, gracious heavenly Father nodding calmly as I listed each concern and saying simply, "I know."
He knows. He knew before the email came. It's all just talk until it's my turn to practice it, and I desperately want to live it well. So, I've given Him the email. I've given Him the meeting. I've given Him my future. (All things He already owned, of course!) Tonight, after a full day at work and three more hours at VBS, I finally had time to call a friend and give vent to all my concerns. You know what I found? I didn't have any. I got her on the phone, and I couldn't think of a worry one to tell her about. :-)
"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God, and the peace of God which passes all understanding will guard your heart and your mind in Christ Jesus." ~ Philippians 4:6-7

Boiling Frogs

This post must begin with a confession. I love pop culture. I am a sucker for countdowns of any kind. When I had cable, I was almost always tuned in to E! Entertainment News or whatever the current celeb-reality show was on VH1. If you give me a choice between Southern Living or People magazine while waiting for a my nail technician to get the pedicure water just the right temperature, I'm always picking People. Sometimes, my conscience gets the best of me, and I'll pick a news magazine over US or OK!, but not always. I have a cousin who prays for celebrities. She genuinely grieves when a celebrity marriage fails because she's honestly invested energy into praying for the couple. I'm not that good.

These are just the facts. You need to know this about me.

Not having cable has helped curb that appetite a lot. I don't have cable because I can't afford it, not because I'm trying to be holy or anything. I'm just saying ...

Anyway, about boiling frogs. It is said that if you place a frog in boiling water, he will hop right back out. But, if you place a frog in tepid water and slowly increase the temperature, he will adapt until he simply boils to death.

My love affair with pop culture has been much like boiling a frog I'm afraid, and it took leaving "civilization" for ten days to realize it. I was getting ready for work the other morning at my house, and the radio was on the top 40 station. I thoroughly enjoy their morning dj's, and I rarely pay attention to the lyrics of the songs until they're already stuck in my head. On this particular morning, there was a catchy song I didn't recognize playing when I turned off the hairdryer. For whatever reason, I actually listened to the lyrics. I got about two lines in before I ran for the buttons to change stations! It was so appalling to me. I was shocked, horrified, and disappointed that this station that makes me laugh so much in the mornings would make that song part of their format. I was indignant!

That indignation lasted about two seconds before conviction set in and the tender voice of the Holy Spirit showed me that my conscience had been slowly boiling to death for a long time now. The truth is that the song I turned off is appalling, but so are most of the others ones I don't turn off. The truth is that I should have been shocked and horrified that I let that trash into my room that morning, but the reality is that I'd been pumping a whole lot of other trash through those speakers for way too long.

For much of last week, there was a sentence that kept running through my mind, and I wanted to blog about it. "Sin is never the right way." It was the Holy Spirit's way of reminding me that sin is never justifiable, and it's never something that God can or will bless. In His grace, he doesn't drop me dead, but he could, and he'd be right to do so. This week, the thing that keeps running through my head, something that I'm going to have a much harder time really heeding, is "Sin is not funny." I know many of you are thinking, "Well, duh, Kristen." And maybe you have a much healthier conscience and sense of humor than I do. If that's the case, I am so glad for you. The truth is, I don't. I laugh at all the wrong things. I am not easily offended. I am quick to forget that a Holy Spirit dwells in me and is grieved by anything that is dishonoring to the Lord or separating God from the world He sent His Son to save. The truth is I rarely change the channel be it on the radio or the television. And, the truth is, I should. A lot more often than I do.

There is an old joke about Baptists and beer. It says don't take one Baptist fishing with you cause he'll drink all your beer. Take two. They'll never touch the stuff.

I think that's a lot like the way I approach pop culture. If you were sitting in my car, in my home, in my room with me and something like that came on the airwaves, I'd pretend to be horrified, and I'd quickly switch it something more edifying. But, when you're not there to watch me pretend to be holy, most of the time I don't bother. I just let it play and pretend like I'm not boiling.

God, give me stronger convictions. Teach me to love what you love and to hate what you hate. Make me aware of and sensitive to things that grieve your Holy Spirit. Forgive me for allowing myself to be so comfortable in such slowly boiling water. Give me courage to jump out before the temperature can be turned up another notch.

My Daddy, My Daddy, My Sweet Sweet Daddy!

Someday (hopefully sooner than later) I plan to write a book called "Daddy's Girl" and include pictures like these, not just from my own collection, but also from my friends, along with stories about girls and their daddies. The idea first came to me about two years ago when sweet friends were expecting their first child. Upon finding out that they were expecting a little girl, he seemed distraught. "What am I going to do with a girl?" I laughed. Hard. (I know that's tough to imagine, but ...) I laughed because according to my grandmother, it's exactly what my dad said the day I was born. The doctor had been so sure they were expecting "Jonathan Fain Eugene" and out came "Kristen Rea." Nana says Daddy, the football coach, walked into the waiting room with a stunned look on his face and said very slowly, "It's a girl. What do you do with a girl?" :-) I sat with my friends that day and began telling stories of things that made my relationship with my daddy special and talking about all of the wonderful opportunities he would have as a daddy to create special memories with his little girl.

I haven't written the book, but I did come across these pictures the other day. David Horton is the finest man I know. The man that the world sees and knows and loves is the same man at home. He's full of integrity, gives wise and godly counsel ("Do what you know to be right."), has an incredibly tender heart of compassion (that is often hidden by the way he laughs when people get hurt), is gifted with an ability to put others at ease in almost any situation, and for 32 years has done the best thing any father can do for a child -- he loves my mom!

Happy Father's Day, Daddy. I love you.

When It Seems Easier Not to Believe

I had a conversation last week with a friend who calls himself a skeptic/atheist. He wants to question God about why things have happened in his life, but he's not entirely certain there is a God to be questioned.

This was a difficult conversation for me because everything in me wanted to defend God. How dare he not believe in the Almighty? How dare he not trust God's divine providence? How dare he question God's goodness? The funny thing is, whether blatantly or inadvertantly, I am fairly certain I pose a lot of the same questions on a frequent basis in my own heart and mind.

Believing God isn't always easy.

As I thought about all that this friend has experienced, and I reflected back on painful seasons in my own life, I realized that sometimes it really does seem easier not to believe.

I wrote a few weeks ago about Habakkuk. I'm preparing to teach Habakkuk 2 tomorrow night, and I'm increasingly intrigued by the prophet's relationship with God. The prophet asked honest questions, rooted in his knowledge of and confidence in God's character. God answered with a vision. Only, it wasn't the vision of the end, it was a vision of the middle of things. It wasn't the picture of God and His people triumphing. It was a picture of evil men overtaking God's people, followed by a picture of the same evil men being destroyed by their own pride. It was ugly and dark and terrifying. And, still, Habakkuk responds with praise. And, I am challenged. Will I do the same?

Sometimes, particularly in the darkness where daily life feels like an open wound being opened and salted repeatedly until we become blinded and numb by grief and pain, when evil appears to triumph over good, and the Rescuer is nowhere in sight, it seems easier not to believe. Isn't it easier to believe that there's Nobody or Nothing out there than to have to cling desperately to the belief that an all-knowing, all-powerful, sovereign God not only allowed our circumstances but has not chosen to change them?

I remember clearly the day I cried out to Him in anguish, telling Him how I wished He wasn't there, so I wouldn't feel so angry and betrayed by what He hadn't done. Scripture likens that conversation to the clay calling out to the potter, and it's truly laughable now, but it was no laughable matter at the time.

Here's some of what I learned from that place.

A) God does ordain darkness. There are times when He allows His children to walk through dark places for a variety of reasons. Isaiah 50:10 says, "Let Him who walks in darkness and has no light trust in the name of the Lord and rely on His God."

B) God never leaves us in the darkness. His silence does not equal His absence.

C) God and I have different definitions of good. Psalm 73:28, "But as for me, the nearness of God is my good." Psalm 34:18, "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 119:71, "It is good for me that I was afflicted, that I might learn your statutes."

D) God's heart is always for my good. God has never allowed anything into my life that He could not make beautiful when surrendered to His skillful, loving hand. Ephesians 2:10, "For we are God's workmanship created in Christ Jesus for good works which God prepared in advance for us to do."

E) He who gave His son for me, will never withhold any good thing from me. Romans 8:31-32, "What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who is against us? He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him over for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things?"

I've been thinking a lot lately about the power of personal testimony. A very wise friend spoke to me as I was coming out of that dark season saying, "Kristen, don't you think it's important when you look people in the eye and speak to them of God's faithfulness that there be something deep inside you that is able to communicate that with the conviction of experiential knowledge?" She was so right. I sit across my desk every day from broken women, and I can tell them with utter confidence that my God is mighty to save. I can look directly into the eyes of a friend steeped in dark pain and confidently tell him that God is near, and He is good.

Yes, there are times I admit it seems easier not to believe. But, the despair of that state of mind is intolerable. I choose the more difficult road of belief because hope sustains me. "Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail." Lamentations 3:22

Quote

God cannot give us happiness and peace apart from Himself because it is not there. There is no such thing. ~ C.S. Lewis

Change?

I returned to DFW from 10 days in Peru on Sunday afternoon. Our plane landed about 11:30 a.m. By the time we dropped off film, ate lunch, picked up film, and got home it was 2:00 p.m. I enjoyed a leisurely soak in the tub, then got busy uploading pictures and journaling. Friends brought dinner over around 5:30, and we visited, looked at pics and souvenirs until 9:00. I went to bed at 9:45, woke just before 6:00 a.m. on Monday morning, and I was at my desk by 8:00. I worked, I ran errands, I had dinner with friends, I went to bed. I told everyone I was "fine" and I joked about how quickly I was diving back into life here. This morning, I woke much more slowly, and I took a long look at myself in the mirror as I prepared for work. I went through the motions of fixing my hair and putting on makeup (simple routines), but nothing felt the same. It seemed strange to put on make up, to spend time curling my hair, to search for earring to match my blouse. I thought to myself, "Did that trip really change me this much?" It nagged at me. Then, I headed into the kitchen and grabbed my usual Pop-Tart breakfast, and I thought, "Nah, it didn't change me that much," with a smirk. However, as I got in my car and drove to the office, I couldn't decide if I was more concerned that the trip had changed me or worried that maybe it hadn't. I know there are things about me that needed to be changed, and I want them to be different. I don't want to be the same as I was before I experienced a week in the jungle. I shouldn't be the same.

The two greatest things about my trip that I can identify so far are very simple things. 1) Not once during the entire time I was gone did I find myself doubting God's goodness, questioning His faithfulness, or wondering if His plan for my life really was a good one. I didn't worry about anything or question whether or not He really would show up in the places we visited each day. His presence was as real to me as the keys I'm typing on now, and as natural as the breaths that are sustaining me even now. 2) The gospel became simple again. As I translated a sermon one afternoon, and as I visited with a new believer on another occassion, I realized just how good the Good News is. 4 1/2 years of seminary education and a lifetime of Baptist politics had complicated things in my head. But, in the jungle, where people are literally dying for Hope, the simplicity of God's love story was stunning.

The IMB estimates that there are some 340,000 people in the Amazon River Basin who have yet to hear the gospel, who simply do not have access to the gospel because of their location. Yet, for some unknown reason, God has seen fit to make himself known in seven tiny Yagua villages along that mighty river's shores. And, the most confounding thing to me, He's seen fit to allow us to be a part of that glorious revelation.

The jungle was not easy to get to and my favorite place to stay. 10 hours in three different planes, another 10 hours in a motor boat, mosquitoes, biting flies, chiggars, spiders, unsanitary water, suffocating heat and humidity, cold showers (when showers were available at all), mud everywhere, and plenty of unidentifiable foods. Did I mention the hammocks? Or the roosters? The lack of electricity? Oh! let's not forget the monkeys! And yet, after all of that, something in me still thrills at the thought of it all. Something God-sized is happening in that jungle, and for five days, I got to be part of it.

Yes, I think it's fairly certain that it's changed me. I hope it's a permanent change.

Home again, home again!

I'm back from Peru. My notes from that trip are at www.reapperu.wordpress.com, but you can see pics here. I hope to have some entries up soon as I begin processing the things God taught me personally. This morning however, we have a new CCWJC class to kick off, and my head is spinning from the speed of the shift back into life here!

Peru Team Blog

www.reapperu.wordpress.com

Sometimes You Gotta Take a Step Back

I got sick last week. Wednesday night to be exact. I went to bed feeling queasy and woke up a number of times throughout the evening. I made it to work on Thursday morning, but I was very weak, and I went home right after lunch. I stayed home on Friday, dragged myself to Plano on Saturday, let my mama and daddy take care of me all weekend, and didn't really feel completely well until this morning. In that time, I received a number of phone calls, text messages, and emails that were not urgent and did not demand a response. Normally, I would have answered/responded anyway, just because that's who I am and how I do things. But, there was just no excess energy to do more than was absolutely necessary. Because of that, it was almost as though I got to enjoy my friendships from a distance. Instead of worrying about coming up with quick and witty responses, I got to just grin and appreciate the comedy of those who love me. Instead of casting about for something to offer people, I was able to just be -- and to realize that sometimes, that's enough. Instead of being so close, so right in the middle of my friends and the happenings of their daily lives, I got to take a step back. And, you know what I realized? I am absolutely crazy about them! I mean, 100% certifiably nuts about the zany, ecclectic group of people God lets me do life with. In fact, I was so captivated by this thought that I went back through my old emails and found one Ginger wrote nearly a year ago outlining her love for a number of her dear friends and was seriously tempted to try my own hand at such a list. However, I just don't know where to start or how to stop once I get going, so I will refrain for now. Today, it will simply have to be enough for me to tell you how blessed I feel, how my heart and mind overflow with thanksgiving for God's creativity. He knew I needed you, knows I need you, and sometimes, it's good to take a step back in order to see His wisdom in that more plainly.

If He Can Use Me, You Better Watch Out!

I leave for Peru next week. I will be traveling with five others into the Amazonian jungle for the purpose of strengthening and encouraging the young believers there, teaching them about baptism and the Lord's Supper. I am so excited, but I've also been very nervous.

Yes, I have a degree in Spanish. Yes, I survived three months in Mexico a few years ago. Yes, I use my Spanish pretty often in my work here. But still. Me? Really? Surely, there's someone else, someone better. Surely.

I tried to explain all of this to God. I tried to tell Him that He has picked the wrong girl. I tried to help Him see and understand all the benefits of picking a better missionary. But, He just said, "Go."

So, I'm writing to warn you. If He can use me, you better watch out. I'm pretty sure He can use ANYone!

At least I'm in good company with all these doubts and fears. Check out the prophet Jeremiah's calling:

Jeremiah 1:4-10

4 The word of the LORD came to me, saying,
5 "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,
before you were born I set you apart;
I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."

6 "Ah, Sovereign LORD," I said, "I do not know how to speak; I am only a child."

7 But the LORD said to me, "Do not say, 'I am only a child.' You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. 8 Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you," declares the LORD.

9 Then the LORD reached out his hand and touched my mouth and said to me, "Now, I have put my words in your mouth. 10 See, today I appoint you over nations and kingdoms to uproot and tear down, to destroy and overthrow, to build and to plant."

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus

I'm having the GIRLiest of days! My brain is exhausted from constantly having to battle the lies in my head about myself, about others and their perceptions of me, even about my future. My eyes are constantly tearing up over one thing or another. My emotions seem to magnify all of life in every way. And, my pretty new skirt got rained on this morning. It's not even 10:00 a.m., and this day is off to a very rough start. After I'd poured all of my woes out before the Lord this morning, there was only one song lyric stuck in my head.

"Jesus, Jesus, Jesus,
Sweetest name I know!
Fills my every longing,
Keeps me singing as I go!"

Do you know that it's virtually impossible to stay in a funk while singing that song? Try it. Trust me. Impossible.

"The Lord is my strength and my shield;
My heart trusts in Him, and I am helped;
Therefore my heart exults,
and with my song I shall thank Him." (Psalm 28:7)

A Fresh Perspective from a New Translation

"Was it in anger, LORD, that you struck the rivers and parted the sea?
Were you displeased with them?
No, you were sending your chariots of salvation!"

Habakkuk 3:3-15 records the prophet's vision of God coming to rescue His people from the evil Babylonians. It's a terrifying picture of the LORD's wrath against an evil people, including phrases about pestilence and plagues, earthquakes, shattered mountains, leveled hills, raging waters, and trampled nations. Yet, right smack dab in the middle of this terrifying vision, I read verse 8 as though for the first time today.

Earlier in the book, God tells Habakkuk to watch for His answer to the evil in the world, but to understand that even if God told him what was coming, he wouldn't believe it. So, then the prophet gets a vision, sees it happening, and it's terrible. It's God, the Holy One, the Enthroned One marching across the earth and destruction seems to preceed as well as follow His every step. Then, somewhere in the middle of it, the prophet remembers the purpose of this terrifying tirade. "You were sending your chariots of salvation." In verse 13 he writes, "You went out to rescue your chosen people, to save your anointed ones."

Words are failing me today. I am not coming close to adequately conveying what I want you to get. You see, lately, whether in my own life or the lives of people very near and dear to me, there seems to be a lot of destruction. Loss. Hurt. Devastation. Pain. Grief. Brokenness. And, many many times, I have thrown my hands in the air in utter defeat and surrender, confessing that I do not get it. All I can see is the awful.

This morning, I prayed that God would help me keep my gaze fixed on Him, that I would not lose sight of His radiant countenance in the midst of all that swirls around me. I confessed that I have failed miserably at this over and over again, and that only if He helps me do I stand a chance of getting it right. I'm no prophetess, but as I read Habakkuk's vision today, it was as if the Lord spoke sweetly to my heart from Isaiah 55.

“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord.
"And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.
For just as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so my ways are higher than your ways
and my thoughts higher than your thoughts."

Reading Habakkuk 3:8 and 13 in the midst of the rest of the passage today felt like unlocking the mystery of Habakkuk's confidence in the rest of the chapter. Habakkuk understood God's purpose. He believe God's ultimate plan was to rescue His people. He knew that no matter what happened, "barren fig trees, failing crops, thinning herds, etc.," God's purpose for His people would not be, could not be thwarted, and it might just be that Divine purpose was being accomplished by what appeared to be desolation.

When You Tell Me I Love You

I heard it again today. "You know you love me because..." I'm sure I've said it - more than a few times. But, today, I heard it. I really heard it. I think it struck me this time because of who said it. Truth be told, he probably isn't entirely sure I do love him, and since I'm a little stingy with the "L" word, I am certain I've never told him. Not only did he say it, he made up his own reason for me to love him and informed me, not only that I do love him, but why I love him.

I think it's always the why that's the most interesting to me. It's as though someone is telling me what I should find worthwhile about them. The thing is, they rarely nail it. Rarely does someone say to me, "You know you love me because ..." and finish the statement with anything resembling the true source of my commitmentfondness/affection/willingness to sacrifice for them. And, as my initial amusement fades, I feel a little sad. At the risk of unnecessarily turning a very comical moment into a very weighty one, I am tempted to push "pause" on the conversation. I want to gently pull the person near me, turn their face until I'm certain he or she is really listening, then tell them what they're worth to me.

Only, I don't do it. A) I hate ruining a funny moment. B) I don't have words for those things. Are you kidding me?

There was a running joke/argument in my life a while back that had to do with whether or not love has to cost you something to be proven. I argued that a truly worthwhile love must cost you something. And, a fairly new acquaintance in my life at the time made it his ambition to be certain loving him cost me something. This provided no small amount of entertainment for others around us since that person determined that the fastest way to prove my love was to annoy or embarrass me at every opportunity. This went on for a number of weeks, finally culminating in an exasperated exclamation -- "How are you ever going to love me if you can't get mad at me?!" He was still teasing, but how many times I've thought about that exclamation.

The truth is, he was right. I don't get mad at people I don't love. I don't have enough invested in them to get angry. The truth is, I don't cry over the words of people I don't love. I don't have enough invested in them to care what they think. The truth is, I don't confront people I don't love. I don't have enough invested in them to see their wrongs much less desire to see them corrected. So, for those of you out there wondering if I love you, it would seem that the questions to ask yourself might be: Has she ever been angry with me? Have I ever made her cry? Has she ever sat me down for coffee and difficult conversation?

There's the if ... but what about the why?

For me, love is about two words: commitment and investment. Initially, as I enter into any sort of relationship with you, my love is a commitment. I decided to "do life" with you in some form or fashion, and I'm committed to doing it well. I love you, but it's not really rooted in anything except our shared circumstances. The girls who come to [YOOJ] might understand this best. From the first or second time they visit, they'll start receiving emails and texts from me (usually to the group, occassionally personal) and they're almost always signed "Love." The newest girls, I love based on the committment I've made to act in a loving way toward anyone who becomes part of that group. The girls who've been there longer, I love because of the investment my initial commitment has cost me. We've been together for over a year and a half, doing life together week in and week out. Laughing, crying, laboring in prayer, studying scripture, serving each other and the Body. I am deeply invested in their lives. Occassionally, it is one of these women who says to me, "You know you love me because ..." and I can honestly say that no matter how she finishes that sentence, it will sound trite in comparison to the depth of love achored deep within me for her.

So, go ahead, feel free to tell me that I love you and why. Just know, you probably have no idea how right and how wrong you are. ;-)

I Still Don't Get It

He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation. For by Him all things were created, both in the heavens and on earh, visitible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions, or rulers, or authorities - all things have been created through Him and for Him. He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together. Colossians 1:15-16

Majesty escapes me. I don't get it. I still come to him, rambling, about things I think I might want, but not measuring my words very carefully. I pray as though He is only half-listening the way I often only half-worship.

This morning as I brought my petitions before the Lord, I was reminded of this passage from Colossians. Reminded that when I come before the Father in the Name of Jesus, I have gained access to One who moves heaven and earth ... literally. I was reminded that while I may be easily distracted, weak-willed, and feable-minded, He has promised His full attention. He has promised that when I ask anything in His Name according to His will, He hears me.

I rearranged my prayer list this morning. First, I gave it a title, "Things I'm Trusting You to Provide." Then, I tried very hard to focus on each request, acknowleding that it was something only He could do and committing to trust Him for it rather than worrying about it in the days ahead.

I practiced praying as though I really believed He was listening. A novel concept, huh?

Where's The Pause Button?

There is a matter in my heart which has brought me to my knees ... more than once. Today, as I knelt again before the Lord, there were no words to offer Him. Surely, He knows even better than I do the very cry of my heart in this matter. Sincerely, it is for my good and His glory. This afternoon, sitting at my desk, trying to be diligent in my God-appointed labors, I had a funny thought.

I would rather be on my knees.

It seems to me that in this matter, I would rather sit before the Lord, literally. I would rather be sitting silently, conscious of His presence, waiting for Him to move me than to have to be up, working, carrying on, wondering when He will speak and what He will say.

It's frustrating, this life we live. It's so stinkin' daily afterall. There's no "pause" button. I love the "pause" button.

I remember reading a quote by Oswald Chambers once that talked about the difficulty of the Christian life being more in the "walking and not fainting" than in the soaring with the eagles. I'm prone to agree.

It's hard for me when there aren't words. My favorite movie quote of all time afterall comes from Anna and The King. "When a woman of many words says nothing, the silence can be deafening." I almost always have words!

In this matter, I'm out of words before the Lord. I just come, open-handed, empty-handed, saying nothing, offering up a very weary soul. I feel guilty about it sometimes, thinking maybe if I could just find the right words, then the Lord would move. Ha! How dim my understanding of His majesty! Then, today, I read this quote:

"I will offer Him my prayers, my sighs. I will pour out my heart to Him. Even in their distractedness, inconsistency and deficiency, I can be confident that my prayers rise to Him like incense." ~ Elisabeth Eliot

There's no pause button for this life, but there is a God who is not rushed, never hurried, and seriously unconcerned with my time table. He hears even the words I cannot speak.

Crazy! ... Or Jesus?

2008 is already shaping up to be the wackiest year on record for me!

I began this year by asking the Lord to reveal Himself to me and to my friends in a special way as Redeemer and Provider. And, I asked Him to send a fresh passion for holiness among us.

When He reigns … it pours!

In January, I began to sense a strong call to formalize my personal teaching/speaking ministry. I’m still discovering what that looks like, but hopefully soon www.mariposaministries.com will display a purple butterfly logo and information about “Celebrating the Transforming Work of Christ in the Lives of Women” as well as teaching samples, and the verse God continually reminds me of, Isaiah 43:18-19, which says, “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. Behold! I am doing a new thing. Now it springs up, will you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness, a stream in the desert.”

In February, I got on an exercise and work out kick that has led me into the realms of kickboxing, Pilates, and 5K races. Look out, world; I may become a “ninja” yet!

And, then, came March. I have been praying since last fall for a house that is “safe, affordable, and big enough to host [YOOJ].” Just a few weeks ago, during my time with the Lord, I had the strongest impression that I should look into purchasing a home rather than renting. So, I am. I keep telling myself I’ll just walk through the process until the Lord shuts the door, but so far, the doors keep opening.

Finally, Wedgwood takes trips to the Peruvian jungle 3-4 times a year, and Jake and Dodie have been trying to talk me into joining one of these trips since they first started going four years ago. It appears the time has come. Today I received confirmation that from May 23 – June 1, I will be serving as the interpreter for half of the newest REAP Peru mission team. Our work will primarily be discipleship in some of the villages previous teams have already reached with the Gospel.

Did I mention I have a full time job/ministry, too? Things at Cornerstone Christian Women’s Job Corps continue as well. We have just begun our second Life Skills and Job Readiness training class of the year, and the four women God has given us are doing splendidly!

So, here’s the deal. I need your prayers.

*Pray for Mariposa Ministries, that God would continue to give me the pieces of that puzzle in order. Specifically, I need to design/select a logo, and learn how to host the website. And, always, pray for God to provide opportunities for me to grow in the areas of teaching/speaking/writing.

*Pray with me about the purchase of a home. I’m so excited that God might bless me with such a thing, but tempted to be overwhelmed by all of the details and the responsibility of homeownership. Pray for the right home at the right price in the right place!

*Pray for this trip to Peru, for the finances, for physical health and stamina, for spiritual preparation, and for God to seriously bestow a gift of tongues on me, that I would be able to clearly interpret all that needs to be communicated. (If you feel led to give financially to this trip, checks can be made payable to Wedgwood Baptist Church with my name and REAP/Peru in the memo line.)

*And, please pray for CCWJC and all that goes on there in the lives of women who are coming to know the Lord in fresh and exciting ways each week. We are abundantly blessed!

Love,
Kristen

Grandmother Moore

A friend is saying goodbye to his grandmother this week, and in looking for words of comfort for him, I began searching for the notes I made when my own sweet Great-Grandmother passed away a few years ago. I was thinking that I'd posted them on here at one time, but I realize now that I wasn't even in the habit of blogging before she died. I found the tribute that I wrote for her, and I want to share it with you. She was truly a wonderful woman, a huge influence on the woman I strive to be now. I keep my favorite picture of the two of us on the credenza in my office as a reminder of all that she prayed for me. Here's what I had to say on that day in December 2004 ...

For my whole life, a big part of my identity has been the very special blessing of being the youngest of four living generations of Hutcherson/Moore/Barrett/Horton women. My great-grandmother, Ina Rea Moore, was one of the strongest women I know.

She was fiercely loyal to her family, and more importantly to her Lord. She’s been a prayer warrior, someone who has never been afraid to tell me that she loves me or is proud of me. She was married for 55 years before Granddaddy passed away.

She moved to Corpus Christi when she was 80 years old to be closer to my grandparents and the rest of our family. That’s a big adjustment, but she met the challenge head on, joining the “joy choir” here and making friends so quickly that we had to use the church hall to host her 95th birthday party.

Grandmother loved to travel, and she’s always been great at knowing how to laugh. One of my favorite ways to spend time with Grandmother was when she was with her baby sister, Aunt Bea. They could giggle like school girls, and it’s the most wonderful sound in the world!

Grandmother and I talked on the phone regularly. I don’t remember a time that I called that she didn’t pick up the phone and know exactly who was calling. I never had to tell her. She was just that good. She was strong and stubborn and wonderful. My Grandmother liked to dress up. She got up every morning and found a clean, pressed skirt and a blouse with buttons. She insisted on making her own bed each morning – even after her stroke last summer! Oh! And, she made honeyballs every Christmas for my mom and my uncles, dozens of them wrapped up and placed under the tree – because that’s what they wanted!

Grandmother loved us all – faithfully. She supported our mission trips, remembered our birthdays, and shopped for us each Christmas. In face, about a week after she went into the hospital, I spoke with her over the phone. She joked that she was glad the hospital had QVC so she could still do her Christmas shopping!

A great-grandmother sounds like a distant relative, doesn’t it? Not this one. She is a piece of our hearts, and permanent part of who we are. I miss her terribly. I cried when I heard she was gone, but nothing prepared me for walking into her room and seeing her things just as she left them and knowing she wouldn’t be coming back to them – or to us. I sat in her chair to think the night we got here, to pray, and figure out what she would want me to say to you today. I knew two things for sure.

One, this is a time to honor and celebrate her life. She wouldn’t have wanted us to be too sad or cry too long. And, two, this is a time to glorify the Lord Jesus Christ who she served so faithfully with all of her life.

Grandmother told my dad a few years ago when he asked her about heaven that heaven was more real to her than earth sometimes because so many of her family and dear friends were already there I thought that was an interesting statement at the time, but I don’t think I truly understood it until this week, until Grandmother went there, to be with our Lord, to reunite with her family, and suddenly, my own longing to be there grew and my concept of the reality of a life beyond this world became more concrete.

When he heard about Grandmother’s passing, a close friend reminded me of I Thessalonians 4:13-18, which says:

But we do not want you to be uninformed, brethren, about those who are asleep, so that you will not grieve as do the rest who have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will bring with Him those who have fallen asleep in Jesus. For this we say to you by the word of the Lord, that we who are alive and remain until the coming of the Lord, will not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive and remain will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we shall always be with the Lord Therefore comfort one another with these words.

I took my Bible and my journal with me into Grandmother’s room the night we got here. As I read over these words of hope sitting in Grandmother’s chair that night, I began to look around me. There was her walker, her medicine bottles, her magnifying glass sitting beside her Bible. That’s when it hit me.

Grandmother doesn’t need any of those things anymore. She is more alive this morning than she has ever been, and she is in the presence of the living Word of God. If there is anything that I think Grandmother would want me to tell you this morning, that’s it. That all of the things that she lived for, that the legacy of faith that she passed on to each of us is real, it’s truth, and it’s more glorious than we can imagine!

I Corinthians 13:12 says, “For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known.”

Today isn’t the end of our tears, I know that. I will miss her and we will all feel the loss of her presence here on earth, but I know that those tears are not really for her but for me. I cannot be sorry for her, for where she is now, for all that she no longer needs here.

Unfailing Love

I was visiting with my roommate the other day, having one of those long, lazy conversations that moves from subject to subject without much of a plan. I love those! Anyway, as we were chatting, I was playing with a bottle on our counter top that contains rolled up strips of paper with verses from the Psalms in it. We call it "Psalms in a Bottle." From time to time, I'd read the one I was holding out loud to her, and we'd talk about it for a minute. Then I came across one that talked about God's unfailing love, and I had a personal, spiritual epiphany. God's love does not fail.
You have no idea how badly I'd like to just stop this post there and leave you to chew on it for yourselves, but I'll unpack it the way it worked out in my head Sunday afternoon. I think I've mentioned before that I'm a "fixer" and I tend to be surrounded by "fixers" and often in our attempts to "fix" one another, we get into bigger messes in our relationships with one another than any of us ever dreamed of, muche less intended. The problem is rarely that we don't love each other enough, it's often that we love each other so much we just hardly know what to do with ourselves! :-$
As I thought about God's unfailing love, that's when it hit me. Sometimes, the messes in our relationships are because human love fails. It just does. We don't always do things correctly, even when we love, but God's love does not fail. Nothing in my life is the result of a failure in God's love for me. It is good and faithful and consistent, mighty to save. Unfailing. There's never been a time when God just loved me so much he couldn't help meddling and ended up making a mess of my life. He's never taken his eyes off of me for just a second so that in the absence of his care, I was in danger. He's never accidentally allowed anything to come into my life out of a failure to keep me. His love does not fail.
Today, I read Exodus 15:13. Check it out ...

"In your unfailing love you will lead
the people you have redeemed.
In your strength you will guide them
to your holy dwelling."

My 2 Cents

So, everyone's been writing about Valentine's Day today. Some are happy to celebrate their romatic love. Some are reminding themselves and others of God's greatest love. Some are bemoaning the reminder of their singleness. I thought I'd go ahead and throw my two cents in for the day. I don't honestly care one way or the other about Valentine's Day. I mean, I don't dread it, but neither do I look forward to it. I get a kick out of sending silly messages to my friends, and it never hurts to have a little extra chocolate around, but that's about the extent of it for me. Here's my secret.

I like being single.

There, I said it. I mean, some days, I get lonely, come home and want to talk about my day, cook for someone, wish for a shoulder to cry on, and I do hope for the opportunity to raise children one day -- sure. What single adult woman doesn't? But, on the whole, I enjoy my life and my freedom. Mostly, I think I can say that confidently because of what I wrote a few days ago ... God is good ALL the time. God's not just good to those of you who married your sweetheart right after college, got a job, bought a home, and started a family. He's good to those of us who struggled through grad school, lived in dumpy little apartments, and still drive beat up cars. He didn't put my life on hold to help you get started with yours. He's been writing my story right along with yours ... it might be a different genre, but it's still His work. So, for those of you who've cautiously wished me a half-hearted "Happy Valentine's Day" -- thank you. Thank you for thinking of me and for wanting me to know that I am loved. But, please don't pity me. I'm living a great adventure, and I am not disappointed. (see Romans 10:11)

Thank You, Snopes

I received an email today that attributed the following poem to Maya Angelou. After checking it out at www.snopes.com, I discovered the true origin of this poem was from another author entirely, but the beauty of the message still hits home.

When I say, "I am a Christian," I'm not shouting, "I've been saved!"
I'm whispering, "I get lost! That's why I chose this way"

When I say, "I am a Christian," I don't speak with human pride
I'm confessing that I stumble-needing God to be my guide

When I say, "I am a Christian," I'm not trying to be strong
I'm professing that I'm weak and pray for strength to carry on

When I say, "I am a Christian," I'm not bragging of success
I'm admitting that I've failed and cannot ever pay the debt

When I say, "I am a Christian," I don't think I know it all
I submit to my confusion asking humbly to be taught

When I say, "I am a Christian," I'm not claiming to be perfect
My flaws are far too visible but God believes I'm worth it

When I say, "I am a Christian," I still feel the sting of pain
I have my share of heartache which is why I seek His name

When I say, "I am a Christian," I do not wish to judge
I have no authority--I only know I'm loved


Copyright 1988 Carol Wimmer

ALL the time

Recently a friend reminded me of a very simple truth with a new inflection. It was in the middle of a crazy week, and I was struggling with circumstances around me. She listened patiently, then stated simply, "Kristen, God is good ALL the time."
I've thought about that a lot ever since she said it. I've even repeated it to others. And, last night, as I lay down to sleep, I thought about it again.
You see, for a variety of reasons, I expected yesterday to be one of those really fabulous days from the Lord, filled with abundant jump-up-and-down-for-joy blessings. I just did. But, as the day closed, and I lay in bed before 10:00, with an all over ache that made me nervous about my own health, and I reflected on the day itself, I couldn't come up with anything particularly wonderful to say about the day. It wasn't a bad one by any means, but neither did it seem particularly remarkable. The words played through my head again. "God is good ALL the time." Even when I can't see it? Even when I can't feel it? Then, I thought about something I have told our Bible study many, many times. "Faith is believing that God is good despite all evidence to the contrary." Faith is believing that God is good when circumstances look bad. Faith is believing that God is good when His hand over a matter isn't apparent. Faith is believing that God is good when there's nothing extraordinary about a day that I expected to be fabulous. Faith is believing that even though I didn't see evidence of greatness yesterday, God was working for my good.

Crazy or Jesus?

I have decided that I need to start offering regular installments of this theme, stories about things that God does that have to be absolutely crazy ... or Jesus! When I was in high school, I used to pray that my life wouldn't make sense unless a sovereign God is in control. How God has enjoyed showing me what fun the answers to that prayer can be, I'm sure!
Yesterday, I got a call from my cousin, Sassy. She and her boys (6 months and 2 1/2 years old) were driving down a busy highway in their city when she had to hit her brakes to avoid colliding with a large Suburban. When she did that, the brakes locked, and she lost control of her vehicle, sliding from one side of the four lane highway to the other, spinning into a 180 degree turn, and landing on the other side of the highway facing oncoming traffic. She said that she'd braced herself to slam into that final guardrail and closed her eyes, only to come to a stop inches from the rail and see that all other vehicles and managed to avoid hitting her and gave her space to turn her vehicle around and get back on the road, her boys sleeping through the entire incident! I marveled when she said that the "landing" was like being tossed against a giant mattress, soft, and not even jarring, just inches from the guardrail. She was understandably shaken, even tearful, but then she told me the most interesting part. "Kristi, when I tucked the boys in last night, we said our prayers like we always do, only this time, I added a special request that each time we get into the car God would post His angels around us to keep us safe." She said, I don't always pray that, but I did last night, having no idea how much we would need that protection from the Lord today.
A mom of two in an SUV slides across four lanes of traffic -- twice -- and comes to a stop facing oncoming traffic without a single scratch on her vehicle, anyone else's car, or her body, and both of her young sons sleep peacefully through the entire incident. Crazy ... or Jesus???

Three Weeks Later

Okay, so I didn't forget that I promised an updated report about Papa's anniversary in Rio Hondo, I just have been overwhelmed at the thought of figuring out what to say. I think I'll just provide you with a list of the highlights as I see them:

1. Friday night, surprising Nana by having her brother and sister and their families show up a day early and join us for dinner at Peter Piper Pizza!
2. Saturday afternoon at the reception, seeing the Fellowship Hall bustling with people and reunions taking place all over the place before the 2 o'clock start time was even close.
3. Saturday night, family dinner and share time, hearing Nana's youngest brother talk about how the parents that raised him were so different from the household Nana described growing up in because by the time he came along, Papa had led Grandmother and Grandpa Gautier to the Lord.
4. Sunday morning -- wow. The packed out auditorium. Jerry Hartzog rewriting a verse of "Thank You for Giving to the Lord" to reflect Papa's role in his own testimony of salvation. Norris Nance being helped onto the stage between Papa and Uncle Vance, knowing that he was there against his doctor's advice but determined to bless and be blessed by participating. Travis' version of "Haven of Rest". Papa's singing "The Lighthouse" on his knees, overcome with gratitude. Nana dropping her dove during the symbolic dove release outside!
5. Sunday night, family chill time, the hokey Horton family sing-a-long with hand motions, watching Danny break dance, and hearing Nathan tell everyone about his disappointment in the Charger's loss.

There really aren't words to tell you what that weekend was like for us as a family, but I cannot thank you enough for your prayers and support in preparation for it. And, for those of you who've had to hear all of these stories in detail, in person --you're my heroes this month!

Report

Several of you have kindly asked for a full report of my weekend with the family and church in Rio Hondo as we celebrated Nana and Papa's 40th Anniversary as pastor there. I am still working on coming up with the words for that, but I thought I'd start by publishing the tribute I delivered during the worship service Sunday morning. It'll tell you a little bit more about who Nana and Papa are to me at least. Later, I'll work on coming up with words for the weekend celebration itself!

"Three" Minutes about Papa ...

I had a really great speech prepared for this morning that contained three points and a psalm. I mean, it was a perfect sermon. Papa would have been proud. But, it didn’t contain anything you didn’t already know about my Papa and Nana, and it wasn’t anything any of you couldn’t have shared, given the chance. I’d written about how I know that Papa prays, and what I believe that faithful prayer life has done for this family and for this church. I’m convinced that Papa’s consistent prayer life is the secret to all that we’re celebrating this weekend. Papa doesn’t just pray, he gets on his knees and calls our names before the Lord, often shedding tears on our behalf. Papa’s prayers are the most precious gifts I’ve ever received. I wrote about how Nana reads her Bible each morning at the kitchen table, and how I want to be a faithful student of the Word of God like both of them are. But, none of that conveyed what I’m really celebrating this weekend in my heart. None of it really told you who Nana and Papa are to me, to our family.

Then, I got a call from Jaclyn a few nights ago. She didn’t want to get up here and talk, but there were some things she wanted to be sure I said. - Now, I have a Spanish degree from Hardin-Simmons University, but Jaclyn, she went to College Station and majored in Speech Communication. Evidently, what a speech communication degree from Texas A & M University will get you is a seat on the front row this morning! Right, Jaclyn?

No, seriously. Jaclyn called me a few nights ago after I sent her my notes for this morning and asked me if I could add just a few thoughts from all of us grandkids collectively. I honestly think it was just what this talk needed, the personal touch that really does make it something only we can share. Because there’s something else about Nana and Papa that marks their character and changes lives forever. Nana and Papa love me. Well, they love Steven and Daisy and Jaclyn and Danny and Travis and Jill, and Gina, too, of course. My point is, they have loved us as a family in a way that none of us will ever be the same. In fact, we probably will love others differently, better, because of it. I actually have a quote about this from one of my friends. In writing to me about this weekend, she said, “One piece of evidence of you Papa’s legacy that speaks volumes to me is how close your family is. You and your cousins always talk and hang out and love spending time together. You all actually like each other...the good and the bad. You talk to each other throughout the year, and when you are together, you enjoy each other.” It’s true. I confess. We do.

Jaclyn went through the family scrapbook and letters we wrote to Nana and Papa for this weekend, and made a list of things that none of us will ever forget. It was so fun to see how many of us shared similar thoughts! The first thing that comes to mind when we talk about Nana is food. Nana loves to feed us, but she’s very careful to feed us the right kinds of food. How many other kids look forward to eating such delicacies as “crockpot chicken” “ak-mak crackers with ‘Papa’s cheese’” – that’s mozzarella, if you didn’t know -- or “avocado-bean sprout sandwiches” when they go to their grandmother’s house??? My personal favorite was the time she wanted us to eat oatmeal muffins, so she baked Reeses’s peanut butter cups into the center of each muffin. How long do you think it took us to figure out we could pull the muffin tops off, discard them, and get straight to the candy? ;-) Of course, we also dipped our crockpot chicken in ranch dressing, and Travis always found a way to get more than his share of pudding pops out of her, too. But, she did try, though!

Christmas is always a good time at Nana and Papa’s. As you know, kitty cats are a very important part of being at Nana and Papa’s. And, even though she pretends like she doesn’t love those cuddly little fur balls Papa’s always feeding on the back porch, Nana has a bright red Christmas apron with a kitty cat on it. She puts it on whenever she knows we’re coming over, and greets us at the front door proclaiming, “Merry Kissmas!” and stops us for a hug and a kiss before we can enter the living room. We love it! Nana’s house is also where you go when you don’t feel well and need to just lay on the couch and be taken care of. Nobody can fix a tray of comfort food like Nana can. Makes me think maybe she loves us or something.

Then there’s Papa. I know he said just 3 minutes, but since I’m the only grandkid getting to actually speak today, I figure I can take at least 5 (one for each of us), and if I go over, I’ll blame it on the spouses and the great-grandkids. In fact, at the rate this family’s multiplying, we could be here a while! ;-)

Papa, when we started thinking about things we wanted to share about you, we had a whole other set of memories. I’ve already mentioned your love for kittens, and your love for airplanes and flying is no secret. I think Steven, Travis, or one of our dads would have to talk about you love for all things remote control. But today, it’s the yearly trips to Wal-Mart we have to talk about. Every year before school started, Papa would load us up in his car and drive us into Harlingen to shop. Jaclyn and I tried coming up with a list of the things we brought home with us from those trips. We named everything from video games, watches, baby dolls, and camouflage pants to parakeets and hamsters! Ha! You should have seen our shock when those two “female” hamsters started multiplying! It was Steven and Travis who always pushed the limit. Jaclyn, Gina, and I, of course, have always been angels. ;-) Sometimes, I still have dreams about the five of us being kids and making our way through the mall in Harlingen, shopping with Papa. I’m not sure any of those gifts survived our childhoods, but I am certain the memories of those times with him and knowing that he loves us enough to brave such an outing – more than once! – will stick with us forever.

I wish I had time to tell you about gathering around the fireplace to read the Christmas story each year before we opened presents, quoting the familiar passages of Luke 2 together and being reminded what we really celebrate each December. I’d tell you about loading up in the old Suburban to go looking at Christmas lights, about airplane rides where we got to handle the controls for a time, and about our family ski trip to Red River. I’d like to tell you about playing “house” and “King of the Hill” in the storm shelter in their backyard and birthday parties by the pool. And, I wish I had words to tell you about what it means to each and every one of us that we never get off the phone without Papa telling us how much he loves us, how proud he is of us, and that he prays for us every day, that God will keep us safe, provide for all of our needs, and that we will live to please the Lord.

Since I do have the microphone this morning, I am going to take time to tell you one story that is just about me and Papa. It happened when I was a little girl, but the lesson lives on. As you know, my daddy was a football coach here in Rio Hondo. And, many Friday nights, Nana and Papa would drive Mama and me to the games. One Friday night, we were about halfway to Rio Hondo when I realized that I’d forgotten the bobcat paw tattoos that the cheerleaders had given Daddy for my face. I was distraught! Mama and I were in the backseat, and she was trying desperately to keep me quiet about it. But, Papa knew something was wrong. He asked me what was the matter, and I wailed, “I forgot my cat paws!” I don’t think it took him but a minute to decide to turn the car around, go back to the house, and let me get those silly cat paws. To this day, whenever Papa signs anything for me, he includes the tag line, “don’t forget your cat paws!” I asked him a few years ago why he turned around for something so trivial. His answer has stuck with me, and has probably influenced more decisions than I realize. He said, “Baby, I knew you’d get over it if I didn’t turn around, and soon enough, you’d forget about those cat paws. But, I also knew that if I did turn around, you’d remember it for a long, long time.”  There are a million different ways I know my Papa loves me, and the first one I’d point to is the cat paws. I’m so thankful he was wise enough to think beyond the 20 minutes it put us behind that night in order to see the opportunity to leave a lasting impression of his love on me for me and seize it.

This is a farming community. You understand the Law of the Harvest, right? Galatians 6:7-9 says, “Do not be deceived. God is not mocked. Whatever a man sows, this he will also reap. He who sows to please the flesh, from the flesh reaps destruction, but he who sows to please the Spirit reaps eternal life. Let us not grow weary in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not give up.” I came to Papa just a few weeks ago with some questions about ministry and some of the difficult people and situations I was seeing. I was weary, I confess, and I think I wanted him to tell me it was okay to wash my hands of it all and walk away. Papa didn’t answer my questions directly. Instead, he told me a series of stories from his own life and ministry. In each story, the conclusion, the result, the fruit of his decisions to love, to serve, to sow in obedience to the Lord was not made evident until many years after the initial seeds were sown. Sometimes as many as 35 years! I can be a slow learner at times, but I eventually got it when he looked me squarely in the eye and said, “Never give up. You don’t know how or when God is going to reward obedience, but you’ll never be sorry you obeyed.”

Deuteronomy 7:9 says, “Know therefore that the LORD your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commands.” I’m only the second generation removed from this great legacy, but in closing, I have to share a quote with you from one of the letters another of my friends wrote for this occasion. This comes from Erin, a young woman who teaches Bible study in my home each week. She writes, “The influence of Papa’s ministry isn’t going to stop with Kristen, or any of the Horton Clan, because more often than I’d like to admit, I have found myself starting a story with, ‘My friend Kristen’s Papa …” My only hope is that in sharing those stories, I too, would radiate the same passionate, ever-faithful, love of the Lord.”

I’m not much younger today than Papa was when he first came to Rio Hondo. (Steven’s even closer to that age! ;-) I think about that a lot, wondering what, if any, decisions I’m making today as I follow the Lord that will be remembered even five years from now, much less forty. I asked Papa about that not too long ago. How does one come to a town at 32 years of age and stay there, serving faithfully for 40 (and many more to come?)? He smiled, shook his head, and spoke deliberately when he said, “One day at a time, baby, you do it one day at a time.”

Embracing Accusations

For most of the last year, God's been reminding me that the Good News isn't all that good until the bad news really is all that bad. It's difficult to celebrate the Gospel and His provision of Jesus as my Savior until I understand how desperate my need of a Savior is. It's been a tough journey at times. Seeing your own darkness is never easy or pleasant, but recognizing that God knew all of that when He chose to save me has been unbelievably freeing! I think I've told most of you (and some of you have told me!) about the song by Shane & Shane called, "Embracing Accusations" which paints an incredible picture of just that. Today, I heard the following statements from a sermon by Matt Chandler.

"When all the accusations of your heart start stirring up, it all is true, but it shouldn't crush you that you are those things. You have not surprised God with how lazy and lacking you are. God did not die on the cross, but now in 2006 have all this regret, thinking 'If I'd have seen these fools, I'd have never done that.' That's not how it plays out. All sins for all time were covered for those who are being sanctified. Which means, I am a scoundrel, but you know what? Being accused of that sure makes me want to run into Him because Oh the LOVE, of Sweet God, who has loved us enough to lavish upon us grace enough for Today! For right now, for right where you are. It's such a freeing thing!"

"The kindness of God and his grace is what leads the saints to repentance. ... It leads us to press into Him all the more, and not run from Him. That's why accusations actually, eventually become your best friends. It's in those moments when you become aware of how messed up you really are that the fullness of Christ is made aware to you ... You'll never know the fullness of Jesus as long as you think you can bring an offering He likes. You don't bring stuff to his altar, you come lay down on it. You don't bring activity, you bring you, with all that you have, becoming a living sacrifice. He doesn't want your bull; He wants you."


Shane & Shane - Embracing Accusations

Father of lies, coming to steal kill and destroy
All my hopes of being good enough
I hear him saying, “cursed are the ones who can’t abide”

He’s right, halleluia, he’s right
The devil is preaching the song of the redeemed
That I am cursed and gone astray
I cannot gain salvation
Embracing accusation

The devil’s singing over me an age old song
That I am cursed and gone astray
Singing the first verse so conveniently over me
He’s forgotten the refrain.
Jesus Saves!

Comfort from Isaiah 51

1"Listen to me, you who pursue righteousness,
you who seek the LORD:
look to the rock from which you were hewn,
and to the quarry from which you were dug.
2 Look to Abraham your father
and to Sarah who bore you;
for he was but one when I called him,
that I might bless him and multiply him.
3 For the LORD comforts Zion;
he comforts all her waste places
and makes her wilderness like Eden,
her desert like the garden of the LORD;
joy and gladness will be found in her,
thanksgiving and the voice of song.
4 "Give attention to me, my people,
and give ear to me, my nation;
for a law will go out from me,
and I will set my justice for a light to the peoples.
5 My righteousness draws near,
my salvation has gone out,
and my arms will judge the peoples;
the coastlands hope for me,
and for my arm they wait.
6 Lift up your eyes to the heavens,
and look at the earth beneath;
for the heavens vanish like smoke,
the earth will wear out like a garment,
and they who dwell in it will die in like manner;
but my salvation will be forever,
and my righteousness will never be dismayed.

7 "Listen to me, you who know righteousness,
the people in whose heart is my law;
fear not the reproach of man,
nor be dismayed at their revilings.
8 For the moth will eat them up like a garment,
and the worm will eat them like wool;
but my righteousness will be forever,
and my salvation to all generations."

9 Awake, awake, put on strength,
O arm of the LORD;
awake, as in days of old,
the generations of long ago.
Was it not you who cut Rahab in pieces,
who pierced the dragon?
10 Was it not you who dried up the sea,
the waters of the great deep,
who made the depths of the sea a way
for the redeemed to pass over?
11 And the ransomed of the LORD shall return
and come to Zion with singing;
everlasting joy shall be upon their heads;
they shall obtain gladness and joy,
and sorrow and sighing shall flee away.

12"I, I am he who comforts you;
who are you that you are afraid of man who dies,
of the son of man who is made like grass,
13and have forgotten the LORD, your Maker,
who stretched out the heavens
and laid the foundations of the earth,
and you fear continually all the day
because of the wrath of the oppressor,
when he sets himself to destroy?
And where is the wrath of the oppressor?
14 He who is bowed down shall speedily be released;
he shall not die and go down to the pit,
neither shall his bread be lacking.
15I am the LORD your God,
who stirs up the sea so that its waves roar—
the LORD of hosts is his name.
16 And I have put my words in your mouth
and covered you in the shadow of my hand,
establishing[c] the heavens
and laying the foundations of the earth,
and saying to Zion, 'You are my people.'"

My Redeemer Lives

So, it's the end of the first week of January 2008. Normally, I'm better about getting things written at the very start of the year, but this New Year's came and went without much time to write. I do have a theme for the year though, and I'm excited about how it will unfold. Repeatedly, I have sensed the Lord prompting me to ask Him to show me who He is as Redeemer. What does it mean to be redeemed? How is it that He takes our "stuff" and brings Himself glory from it? I'm so excited about how He's going to answer this prayer. The words "redeemed" and "redeemer" seem to JUMP off the pages of scripture and shout from the lyrics of songs lately, calling out to my heart with great joy. Job, probably the oldest record in scripture, says, "I know that my Redeemer lives and that in the end He will stand upon the earth." Glory! This has been one of those weeks when I have needed to be reminded that my hope and confidence are NOT in this life, NOT in this world. There is a reality much greater than what I can see. God is good ALL the time, in EVERY circumstance. And, today, I am rejoicing because whatever happens here, I KNOW that my Redeemer lives and that He will stand upon the earth. He is the ultimate reality, and He is better than anything I am tempted to hope in here. This week, I have felt as though my faith in the God of Wonders has been put to the test. I have asked myself many times whether or not I really believe that nothing is too difficult for the God of all flesh? Do I really believe that the things that are impossible for man are possible with God? This morning, I heard the song "Never Underestimate My Jesus" by Relient K, and I just had to laugh. Those of you who know me very well know that one of my greatest pet peeves is to be underestimated. How much more disheartening must it be to the God who can do ANYTHING when we begin to doubt his power in our lives or the lives of those we love???

Am I at the point of no improvement?
What are the depths I still dwell in?
I try to excel but I feel no movement
Can I be free of this unreleasable sin?

Never underestimate my Jesus
You're tellin me that there's no hope
I'm tellin you your wrong
Never underestimate my Jesus
When the world around you crumbles
He will be strong; he will be strong

I throw up my hands
Oh the impossibilities!
Frustrated and tired
Where do I go from here?
Now I'm searchin' for
The confidence I lost so willingly
Overcoming these obstacles
Is overcoming my fears

I think I can't
I think I can't
but I think you can
I think you can!
gather my insufficiencies and
place them in your hands
place them in your hands
place them in your hands.

You will be strong (3x)